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PTSD and Dental Work

S

star thrower

Member
Joined
Apr 6, 2010
Messages
36
I will start with yesterday to begin my journal and eventually work backwards to where it all began. I will have to leave certain details out because this is a dental phobia forum and I do not want to scare anyone or add to their issues dealing with phobia and dental work. I can barely bring myself to read many of the posts here. For some reason I felt an instant bonding with RP and found that we had a lot in common.

So yesterday was a day of dental hell for me. Last week during my routine cleaning and x-ray appointment my dentist found that the crown on my root canal from hell was not correctly lined up with the margin. He said it was something he did not know until the x-ray. So he scheduled me for an appointment to remove it and make a new one.

I thought the crown would just pop off. My mistake. My dentist had to drill it down and it took over an hour. This is my worst phobia. Drilling. I had no idea what so ever that this was going to be the process. I have a medical condition that cannot tolerate noise or vibration. When drilling starts my brain goes haywire. I lost my inner ear due to nerve damage. One does not understand how delicate the ear can be and how damage can affect the entire body.

So there I lay in the chair with my bose headset on, breathing in slowly letting the air fill my stomach and then slowly exhaling bringing my stomach back in. I filled my mind with visualizing being somewhere else. Anywhere else. I did not want to go back to the dark place I once found myself in because of a root canal that went wrong.

It took seven long years to get my life back to some type of normal. I could not let myself go back. I suffer from PTSD and the one biggest trigger is drilling, especially on my root canal from hell molar.

So my dentist continues drilling away. He is very aware of my issue and it was just as hard on him. He is not charging me for this because it was the fault of the lab for making a crown that did not fit properly. Tears began flowing down my cheeks. I tried really hard not to cry. But the memories of where I once was began flooding my mind.

I tried to remember the positive places and people that filled my life after it was ruined by dental work. For a long time I worked hard to establish a foundation that provided medical care a friend of mine could not afford. Flashback to when he shot himself as we were talking. Flashback to the memory of what happened, flashback to the root canal from hell that brought me to a support group where we met. It is like an old black and white silent type movie that plays over and over in one’s mind. Like a record caught in a skip motion.

If only begins. If only that damn endo specialist wasn’t having a bad day. If only I had known to check the person out instead of going blindly. My fault. My fault. Years and years of getting over the pain and living with pain mentally and physically.

I overcame that time. I was able to bring awareness all the way to Washington D.C. I succeeded in making a little sense of something so senseless.

Laying there in that dentist chair yesterday brought back emotions that I thought I had forgotten. I forgot the pain that used to empower me. I forgot that I missed it. I forgot that I had stopped crying. I forgot the pain of being a survivor of suicide. I forgot I had PTSD. I had become rather frozen inside. Maybe I needed to thaw out. There must be a reason I just am not ready to understand yet. There must be a destination I need to find. It just is not clear to me yet.

These are the thoughts in my mind when my dentist finished about two hours later and we hugged. He is a gentle soul and understands what I have been through. I trust him and I know it was really hard for him to see me cry and brave through this procedure. I wait two weeks for my permanent crown.

How the hell am I going to get through the second phase of the implant procedure that brought me here? I will be put out for the drilling of the post. Then wait another four months. It is a long time to have this fear inside of my mind and body.

I really need to work on the inner strength I used to have. Flashbacks need to be turned into flash forwards. I do not know if this is possible.

Drilling and PTSD do not make a friendly combination.

Star Thrower







 
Star, my heart is in my throat.....................I need time to try and digest what you are telling us:XXLhug:. Big hug your way......
 
Hi Star

Thank you for sharing your story. PTSD can be a real quality of life robbing situation. It takes courage to face the source of the fear. Bravery is being terrified but not giving up.

The fear and anxiety desires to rule your life and convince you that you are trapped by the fear and will remain so. This leads to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

You have proved you are much more than the sum of your fears. Despite the memories and fears you completed the appointment and came through with grace and dignity. Just like the airplane pilot's adage "Any landing you can walk away from was a good landing."

As to the future appointment. You will find the strength within yourself. All anxiety fades in the face of positive action, avoidance is what gives it strength. You have a dentist that understands and is willing to work with. That is a huge part of the battle.

If the "why" for doing something is strong enough, you can come up with the how. You have the power to help many others and yourself. Focus on the positive and reward yourself for what you have accomplished.

Blessings to you :)
 
Stress Doc,

I am going to read and reread your reply several times. Thank you for the kind words and the time you give to help.

I am always rather scared to talk about that part of my life. I do have a supportive husband and that helps so very much. He was with me at the dental appointment and carried me out to our car. And held me til I stopped crying. It is hard to admit PTSD yet alone explain the why.

You are so right that anxiety and fear fades with positive action. Non- action actually feeds the beast.

RP thanks to you also. You are a special person. I will be okay this just hit me fast and hard and unexpected.

((hugs))
star thrower
 
Hi StarThrower

I know you weren't intending to write it like this, but that was so eloquent and it honestly made me well up (in the office, natch). It's horrible to hear of others' traumas and dark pasts but at the same time I'm glad you've shared. :XXLhug:

xx
 
I want to say I am sorry if my words caused anyone discomfort. When I wrote my first journal post I was still in the terrified mode. I just wrote and wrote what was going on in my thoughts and now that I have sort of exposed my soul I am feeling, not embarrassed, but something I cannot find the word for.

A few days have passed now and I am getting a better perspective about what happened and why it triggered my PTSD. I honestly did not know it was still there so strong. It must have been hiding underneath my now deceased crown that covered the root canal from hell. Sort of like Pandora’s box it was opened up and what came out were all the feelings and memories I carefully hid away, one by one, over time. Just like when I placed all my friend’s things in a box and taped it up really tight and had my husband put it away in the attic. Just gone. No pictures or memories lingering in my office. I do not think I will be opening up that box anytime soon.

I asked my dentist if we could have the molar from hell extracted and do an implant when my upper implant is completed. I thought it would take all those feelings away. Just extract it. Sounds so simple. Not there. Never happened. Erase the evidence.

He did not agree with my suggestion.

So now I am brushing my teeth staring into my mouth and I floss and see that stupid temporary crown. I hate that temporary crown. But I am facing it off now. I will win. It got me in round one this time around. But I am stronger. I will get my new crown in two weeks and nothing will be trapped underneath it.

I will always have this scar though. It is apart of life. We get hurt. We heal and move on. And once in a while I will fall on my rear end and get up and wipe the dust off and keep moving forward.

My root canal molar from hell will always be the root canal molar from hell. But it is also the reason I am who I am today. The wonderful people I have met from around the world would not be in my life. The journey I have been on would never have happened. A Garth Brooks song goes something like this “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance.”

I do not miss the once privileged life I used to live shielded from pain. I miss the innocence.

If no one minds, I may continue adding my thoughts.

 
Star, never apologize, writing down your thoughts at the peak of emotion is cathartic and very healing. When I hit a dark place I go back and read and realize the progress I've made. Stress Doc and I were just talking the other day about how my focus has changed from wanting to do the right thing and save my teeth, whatever that entails, versus the me 6 months ago who was constantly googling "how painful is" this or that procedure on my treatment plan. Then, that was all I could focus on. The fear of pain, the drill, opening my mouth for a dentist.

As difficult as that was for you, you got through it, you didn't make him stop, and you realize there is still work to be done before you are whole emotionally. Understanding the fear/phobia is the first step toward overcoming it. Suppressing it may be more comfortable but doesn't heal. It lies in wait, until you are most vulnerable and then strikes. You need to be ready, to prepare your own arsenal. I had no plan of counter-attack, no weapons, I felt defenseless. I used a coach, he equiped me and stands shoulder to shoulder with me until my mouth is healthy. You have tools and techniques, if you need a more powerful defense, seek outside help.

Keep writing, I agree with Alleyp, your writing is eloquent, you have a story to share that others can learn from and draw strength.

OK, so now I'm crying.......

Hugs, my friend.

rp
 
Thanks RP. The dooms day feeling has passed. And like you said rereading what I wrote during the frantic stage really opened my eyes. I still have some healing to do regarding what happened. I contacted my sponsor from my survivors of suicide support group to help me. It is a world I hope no one ever has to find out exists. And something I find complicated to talk about. Suppressing a dreadful memory became a tool of self-survival. After a few years passed with a lot of counseling and therapy, I would give a few speeches here and there and work with other survivors like those who helped me when I entered their world. And then for reasons I can maybe explain with my next panic mode attack, I decided it was time to move on. I thought I was moving forward. It was time to become a part of the “normal” world again.

Having that crown drilled off made me realize I have to revisit some painful areas of the past. I have to deal with the blame, shame and guilt that I thought vanished from my soul. It was a long standoff that day I lost my friend. Seven hours of pleading. Strange thing is that he was a gentle soul. We cried and he said thank you for being my friend. But I was left behind with the terrible memory and knowing I could not stop it. I would find out, but not quite fully accept, after a few years that nothing could have changed what happened. There is no guilt or blame. But deep inside there is always a doubt. And that is okay. This is what I need to work on some more and the relationship to my dental work is making me face it.

I spoke to my girlfriend who has had all kinds, every kind in fact, of dental work done. She had four implants done. To her it is not a big deal at all. I marvel at that. When I called her about her surgeon and my cracked to the root tooth that was hanging on to my gums for dear life she called her oral surgeon and he got me in within an hour for the first stage bone graft and extraction. Right now I could live without the tooth very easily. But my dentist and the oral surgeon state that it is imperative that I have an implant to stop further tooth loss. I am seriously considering not doing it. I have till August to make that decision.

So I tell her about the removal of my crown from the root canal from hell molar. She told me her dentist used a sticky thingy that she bit down on and was supposed to take her crown off her molar. When that did not work her dentist sent her to an endo next door to have the crown cut off not drilled.

I did not know I had a choice. Why did I have to endure the drilling? It is over and done but I am more than curious if I did have other options? Did I blindly trust my dentist? He did a good job. It took a long time as he had to drill in increments of 20 seconds on and off because of my hearing disability. And he did not charge me because the work on the crown was not done correctly.


Star thrower






 
I got my new crown today for the root canal from hell molar. I am not sure how I feel about it yet. My dentist put a rush on the order to the lab so I would not have to wait two weeks. I cannot chew much on the other side because of the gap from the implant site.

It makes me feel vunerable because there are so many feelings attached to this situation.

I am being drawn back into a place I sort of got out of for a while. During all the drilling on the crown drama and my PTSD reaction I got a call from someone who needed help in Denmark. I was able to secure a specialist appointment for her using my networking people. I had stopped working on this for about a year now.

I haven't looked at my new crown yet.

star thrower
 
I looked at my new crown. Didn't have a choice as I had to brush and floss. I felt....nothing. This is the molar that had the root canal that pretty much ended my perfect little life as I knew it. For a year I was house bound. I lost so much weight and my hair started falling out and people thought I had cancer. I had to quit law school. I had to begin to learn how to survive.

It is how I than met my friend and lost him violently. And again my life spiraled downward. How does a person live with that memory? But, somehow I did.

And now looking at that newly crowned root canal molar from hell I feel nothing.

Sometimes internal pain can be so great it short circuts the ability to feel. I used to believe in so many things. After his suicide I felt like I had guardian angels leading me to places. I lost them along the way somehow. I quit believing. I lost my strength.

And now I have to face all these demon fears again awaiting the next stage for my implant. Where will this next journey lead me? Will I be able to feel the emotions again?

My dentist told me his hand had gone numb while he was drilling off the crown. I trust him even though I doubt a few opinions at times. We have been through a lot together. He did not abandon me.

Thoughts for today....The story below is how I found my user name and the basis for the foundation my husband and I developed. That is a whole other story. But it reminds me of someone here who is being helped by a devoted person. There are good people in this big world.

Based on the story by Loren Eisley...
I awoke early, as I often did, just before sunrise to walk by the ocean's edge and greet the new day. As I moved through the misty dawn, I focused on a faint, far away motion. I saw a youth, bending and reaching and flailing arms, dancing on the beach, no doubt in celebration of the perfect day soon to begin.
As I approached, I sadly realized that the youth was not dancing to the bay, but rather bending to sift through the debris left by the night's tide, stopping now and then to pick up a starfish and then standing, to heave it back into the sea. I asked the youth the purpose of the effort. "The tide has washed the starfish onto the beach and they cannot return to the sea by themselves," the youth replied. "When the sun rises, they will die, unless I throw them back to the sea."
As the youth explained, I surveyed the vast expanse of beach, strectching in both directions beyond my sight. Starfish littered the shore in numbers beyond calculation. The hopelessness of the youth's plan became clear to me and I countered, "But there are more starfish on this beach than you can ever save before the sun is up. Surely you cannot expect to make a difference."
The youth paused briefly to consider my words, bent to pick up a starfish and threw it as far as possible. Turning to me he simply said, "I made a difference to that one."
I left the boy and went home, deep in thought of what the boy had said. I returned to the beach and spent the rest of the day helping the boy throw starfish in to the sea.



star thrower
 
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Wow star thrower - that is truly an inspiring passage! Sometimes the little things we do, can make a big difference to someone else.

Thank you so much for sharing that, I think it will open up some peoples eyes on how we view things!
 
Part of me is thinking "crap August 16 used to seem so far off". Now it is almost here. Second stage: drilling of the implant into my jawbone. I am worrying about this procedure thinking I do not need upper #13. But after seeing several specialists who basically stated my face would fall off without it, I think I have to do this. I have to face my fear. I have to trust that my jawbone will not be fractured. I have to trust that I will not lose my other inner ear like I did in 2002.

I am deep in thought as today I was contacted by a woman I had helped at the brink of suicide. Her husband contacted me via a network I am involved in. She had disappeared leaving behind a suicide note stating she could not live with this condition we share. The police found her car parked near railroad tracks the next day. She was still inside. We found her the proper medical attention. And she wrote me today thanking me and telling me her life is now so wonderful.

I am happy. Yet sad because I could not save my friend in 2002. And he exited the world in the most horrible way leaving me behind. It all seems like another life yet still inside of me.

This stupid implant is making my life difficult. I was doing okay in the frozen mode in the normal world. I have to face these two obsticles at the same time. Maybe the guardian angel I have been ignoring for a while is pushing me. Nudging me. Poking me. Trying to get my attention. I think he is trying to show me I did not fail with the woman. I will not fail the implant surgery.
I am not a failure. It was not my fault.

I hope he is right. I am still trying to ignore the guardian angel. Sort of caught between where I should be and where I was. I guess I just do not know where I am going.

Crap. August 16. Then three months wait. Then the dreaded impressions which will gag me. How will the tooth feel? I have one normal hearing ear.
I cannot go back to where I was back in 2002.

Star Thrower
 
Star, I'm not sure what to say to comfort you, because I haven't been there, except for the PTSD part. You have the tools, you'll get through this. What happened to you was rare but I beleive there are no accidents, so out of your suffering lives are saved.

Now you are my prototype, my implants are in a few months, you need to have a great experience..............................
 
After reading what your dental journey has been I will gladly be your prototype for implants. Including the pre-freaking out stage.

So yesterday, the fourth dental specialist confirmed that my lucky #13 empty space needs to have the implant. He didn't understand my phobia.

I am not sleeping. Waking up at 4 am. Going for my sunrise 5 mile run. Trying to keep busy. Decided to rip up my front flower plant area and add some healty soil. That was a big job. Now I will reconstruct it and spend hours looking for flowers and plants.

I feel a sense of detachment. Sort of like I am under a glass looking out and not really connecting with the outside world. It is anxiety and stress.

Like you RP the process stirs up old fears and feelings.

Sigh....

I learned that when you tell someone you are getting implants to say the word dental first. This is California.
 
Hey Star,

Not just California, I told my son I was getting implants, he said why for heaven's sake, you'll tip over......:ROFLMAO:

You are turning that anxiety into positive energy and being productive-
I wish I could run, I think I'm too old to start. You go girl......

I turned the compost pile which my daughter said for some reason smelled like decaying bodies all of a sudden. It was horrid, turns out my hub fessed up- he threw a dead rabbit in there- can you say Fatal Attraction.

I gave up on the sleeping part, I'm doing Xanax, if I don't sleep evrything else is impossible to cope with.

:XXLhug:

rp
 
Crap. Again. Tomorrow is the day for my implant surgery. I searched wide and far to find someone to say you don't need the gap filled. But no one would say that.

I hate the anticipation. Stomach in knots. Not sleeping well. The anxiety makes my brain issue worse. When this happens I cannot hear well even from my good ear. Everything sounds like it is under water. And the constant brain noise, the sounds of finger nails on metal, as a result of the nerve damage from the root canal from hell, increases.

So I resort to my meditation and relaxation techinques. I am afraid to go into my hypnosis mode. I need to talk to someone about that. I got so good at hypnosis it scared me. So I stopped.

The surgeon's office called on Friday to remind me of my appointment. They said it would be better if I was not put under for this procedure. I said if everyone wants to come out of this alive it will be much better if I am put under. I do not think I could do this awake and aware. I could not take the drilling into my bone. So they said okay. This wasn't an issue when I had the bone graft and said at that time I would be put under for the implant.

I just want tomorrow to be over with.

I am scared but I don't tell anyone that. I am lucky I have my husband to take care of me. Except that I never taught him how to cook or do laundry. And he hasn't done that now for about 28 years now. That is okay.

So I will be RP's prototype and get though this and report back.

Star
 
I just made my favorite jello recipe that I only make for Thanksgiving. I didn't have time to prepare with the extraction and bone grafts. Comfort food that does not require chewing.

Now I am going to vaccum my hardwood and tile floors.
 
Hugs Star!!!!

What kind of procedure are they doing? Flapless? It is supposed to be easier than an extraction, I'm rooting for you!


:grouphug:

rp
 
Ouch. Pain meds are needed.

Hard for me to type my experience right now. RP, you should get through this A-Okay. He did the punch procedure. Everything went pretty good, I was told.

A problem. He did not want to put me under. This happened at the last nano-second. I endured through it and will write about it when I am not on pain meds. I was not happy about that. I think they ambushed me because the surgeon much prefers the patient to be awake during this part of the implant surgery.

It was traumatic being awake and aware but not painful. I forgot to tell him I was PTSD. It felt like a lot of pressure during the surgery. I would prefer to be put under. He said it was important that I could follow instructions to make sure everything was lined up okay.

They said I could have a regular day unlike when one is under. Not the case for me but I am doing okay. The after the fact panic attack kind of took me down.

The drilling wasn't loud just more of an intense pressure feeling without pain. Hard to explain and maybe easier when I am more clear minded.

After reading what you have endured RP I think this will be much easier for you. He said the only reason for the flap is if he needed to examine the bone.
The bone graft by far was much harder for me. But he was so excited that it was perfect and enough bone not to damage the sinus. He mentioned a number which I cannot remember but I was well above the good point for bone mass.

Now there is this small cap thing covering the implant. I feel like that sounds like the BP oil cap or something. Just before I go to my dentist I go to him and he will do the post and then straight over to the dentist for the tooth.

I went to one of the best oral surgeons in my area and it was worth it. So far the cost is up to 5k. That sucks. No dental insurance.

I will write out the experience in a few days or so.

Star
 
Hugs Star,

Sorry you are hurting.

So you did that with just LA? no IV Sedation?? I woulda walked- good for you for getting through.

I'm getting a general for mine, but I'm having an extraction, bone graft and 4 implants....no way I could do it awake. They are also deep cleaning my teeth and doing the periodontal eval at the same visit....

Heal fast. Keep on top of the pain with the meds.....
I'll be thinking about you.


rp
 
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