S
star thrower
Member
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2010
- Messages
- 36
I will start with yesterday to begin my journal and eventually work backwards to where it all began. I will have to leave certain details out because this is a dental phobia forum and I do not want to scare anyone or add to their issues dealing with phobia and dental work. I can barely bring myself to read many of the posts here. For some reason I felt an instant bonding with RP and found that we had a lot in common.
So yesterday was a day of dental hell for me. Last week during my routine cleaning and x-ray appointment my dentist found that the crown on my root canal from hell was not correctly lined up with the margin. He said it was something he did not know until the x-ray. So he scheduled me for an appointment to remove it and make a new one.
I thought the crown would just pop off. My mistake. My dentist had to drill it down and it took over an hour. This is my worst phobia. Drilling. I had no idea what so ever that this was going to be the process. I have a medical condition that cannot tolerate noise or vibration. When drilling starts my brain goes haywire. I lost my inner ear due to nerve damage. One does not understand how delicate the ear can be and how damage can affect the entire body.
So there I lay in the chair with my bose headset on, breathing in slowly letting the air fill my stomach and then slowly exhaling bringing my stomach back in. I filled my mind with visualizing being somewhere else. Anywhere else. I did not want to go back to the dark place I once found myself in because of a root canal that went wrong.
It took seven long years to get my life back to some type of normal. I could not let myself go back. I suffer from PTSD and the one biggest trigger is drilling, especially on my root canal from hell molar.
So my dentist continues drilling away. He is very aware of my issue and it was just as hard on him. He is not charging me for this because it was the fault of the lab for making a crown that did not fit properly. Tears began flowing down my cheeks. I tried really hard not to cry. But the memories of where I once was began flooding my mind.
I tried to remember the positive places and people that filled my life after it was ruined by dental work. For a long time I worked hard to establish a foundation that provided medical care a friend of mine could not afford. Flashback to when he shot himself as we were talking. Flashback to the memory of what happened, flashback to the root canal from hell that brought me to a support group where we met. It is like an old black and white silent type movie that plays over and over in one’s mind. Like a record caught in a skip motion.
If only begins. If only that damn endo specialist wasn’t having a bad day. If only I had known to check the person out instead of going blindly. My fault. My fault. Years and years of getting over the pain and living with pain mentally and physically.
I overcame that time. I was able to bring awareness all the way to Washington D.C. I succeeded in making a little sense of something so senseless.
Laying there in that dentist chair yesterday brought back emotions that I thought I had forgotten. I forgot the pain that used to empower me. I forgot that I missed it. I forgot that I had stopped crying. I forgot the pain of being a survivor of suicide. I forgot I had PTSD. I had become rather frozen inside. Maybe I needed to thaw out. There must be a reason I just am not ready to understand yet. There must be a destination I need to find. It just is not clear to me yet.
These are the thoughts in my mind when my dentist finished about two hours later and we hugged. He is a gentle soul and understands what I have been through. I trust him and I know it was really hard for him to see me cry and brave through this procedure. I wait two weeks for my permanent crown.
How the hell am I going to get through the second phase of the implant procedure that brought me here? I will be put out for the drilling of the post. Then wait another four months. It is a long time to have this fear inside of my mind and body.
I really need to work on the inner strength I used to have. Flashbacks need to be turned into flash forwards. I do not know if this is possible.
Drilling and PTSD do not make a friendly combination.
Star Thrower
So yesterday was a day of dental hell for me. Last week during my routine cleaning and x-ray appointment my dentist found that the crown on my root canal from hell was not correctly lined up with the margin. He said it was something he did not know until the x-ray. So he scheduled me for an appointment to remove it and make a new one.
I thought the crown would just pop off. My mistake. My dentist had to drill it down and it took over an hour. This is my worst phobia. Drilling. I had no idea what so ever that this was going to be the process. I have a medical condition that cannot tolerate noise or vibration. When drilling starts my brain goes haywire. I lost my inner ear due to nerve damage. One does not understand how delicate the ear can be and how damage can affect the entire body.
So there I lay in the chair with my bose headset on, breathing in slowly letting the air fill my stomach and then slowly exhaling bringing my stomach back in. I filled my mind with visualizing being somewhere else. Anywhere else. I did not want to go back to the dark place I once found myself in because of a root canal that went wrong.
It took seven long years to get my life back to some type of normal. I could not let myself go back. I suffer from PTSD and the one biggest trigger is drilling, especially on my root canal from hell molar.
So my dentist continues drilling away. He is very aware of my issue and it was just as hard on him. He is not charging me for this because it was the fault of the lab for making a crown that did not fit properly. Tears began flowing down my cheeks. I tried really hard not to cry. But the memories of where I once was began flooding my mind.
I tried to remember the positive places and people that filled my life after it was ruined by dental work. For a long time I worked hard to establish a foundation that provided medical care a friend of mine could not afford. Flashback to when he shot himself as we were talking. Flashback to the memory of what happened, flashback to the root canal from hell that brought me to a support group where we met. It is like an old black and white silent type movie that plays over and over in one’s mind. Like a record caught in a skip motion.
If only begins. If only that damn endo specialist wasn’t having a bad day. If only I had known to check the person out instead of going blindly. My fault. My fault. Years and years of getting over the pain and living with pain mentally and physically.
I overcame that time. I was able to bring awareness all the way to Washington D.C. I succeeded in making a little sense of something so senseless.
Laying there in that dentist chair yesterday brought back emotions that I thought I had forgotten. I forgot the pain that used to empower me. I forgot that I missed it. I forgot that I had stopped crying. I forgot the pain of being a survivor of suicide. I forgot I had PTSD. I had become rather frozen inside. Maybe I needed to thaw out. There must be a reason I just am not ready to understand yet. There must be a destination I need to find. It just is not clear to me yet.
These are the thoughts in my mind when my dentist finished about two hours later and we hugged. He is a gentle soul and understands what I have been through. I trust him and I know it was really hard for him to see me cry and brave through this procedure. I wait two weeks for my permanent crown.
How the hell am I going to get through the second phase of the implant procedure that brought me here? I will be put out for the drilling of the post. Then wait another four months. It is a long time to have this fear inside of my mind and body.
I really need to work on the inner strength I used to have. Flashbacks need to be turned into flash forwards. I do not know if this is possible.
Drilling and PTSD do not make a friendly combination.
Star Thrower