Stress and family situation related to dental phobia (very long, sorry)

Not posted here for a while but I have a situation which is causing me a bit of stress at the moment. Not due to any actual dental work as all is fine in that department at the moment but more to do with my own perceived shame and embarrassment over being so phobic and how other people have contributed to this. This explanation might be a bit lengthy and some may find it difficult to relate to but I would be grateful for any comments or advice.

So, I have detailed previously on this forum how a major contributing factor to my phobia was my mother and her attitude throughout my childhood. Basically she didn’t enjoy going to the dentist herself (who does? lol) and would get nervous, which would make my father shout at her for being pathetic but would also make me extremely nervous. We would have appointments together and I used to have to watch her undergoing what looked like horrific torture in the chair and would be overtaken my sheer terror when my own time came, which she dealt with by yelling at me in the same way dad did to her. She would also ridicule me in public a lot for being pathetic and a wimp and use dental experiences as examples which would make other people laugh so not only did I become very phobic but I learned that phobia was something of which I was to be ashamed and could not let anyone know. I am now almost cured of the phobia itself with the help of a great dentist, I can go for appointments and treatments with only a slight amount of anxiety, knowing that I am in good and sympathetic hands but the thought of people finding out how scared I once was and have the potential to be again (let’s face it, I don’t know what is around the corner and still worry that some really major treatment will need done that will send me back to that state) is still a huge issue for me and I can’t own up to dental fear. I still have to take holidays from work for example when I have an appointment – just in case (although it hasn’t for ages), I am overtaken by an attack of nerves in the hours leading up it.

So that’s part of the problem. The other is my father in law. He seems to have been bred from the same stock as my own parents as regards complete disdain and ridicule for any emotion and particularly fear and patheticness. He has terrible teeth and seems to spend a good few hours every week at the dentist. I don’t go to the same dentist as my OH and his family because he seems like an unsympathetic, old-school butcher from the accounts I’ve heard. This in itself is a problem for FiL who is constantly telling me that in order to be part of the family, I need to go to the same dentist as the rest of them. OH is completely supportive above my issues but even he has said to me on many occasions that I should never ever let his dad know that I get nervous or I will never hear the end of it. Yes, FiL is obsessed with dentistry. Gruesome details about every minute of his latest treatment are imparted with relish to anyone that will listen, along with his boasting about how much pain he can take without flinching and how the dentist praises him for being able to do so(!). As an example, a few months ago, OH broke his finger whilst helping his dad with diy. This was understandably painful and made his eyes water a bit. FiL got angry with him for being “a sissy” and then proceeded to tell us all, all evening, about every dental treatment he has ever had that he managed to get through with far more grace than his son had shown for his injury. When I first met OH, I was in my dental wilderness years, and fully blame this kind of chat over dinner (yes, over dinner and I just can’t emphasise the frequency and regularity of this favourite topic of conversation) and re-enforcement of dentistry as painful for prolonging my avoidance as long as it did. And it is always dentistry that he uses to illustrate his tolerance for pain!

Anyway, the situation as it is now is that my mother has been invited to Parents in law for dinner next month. The date set is a day that FiL has a 3 hours dentist appointment (don’t know what he is getting done as have always found excuses to leave the room when he brings it up but I do know that that is the start of 4 appointments within one week so sounds particularly invasive and terrifying). I, in the same situation, wouldn’t want to see anybody after that, let alone eat a formal meal but OH and I both agree that one of his agendas will be to show off what happened that day and how he coped. Perhaps I am catastrophising here but our worry (my terror) is that this will set my mum off on ridiculing me yet again for not being able to cope with this kind of thing, which will – in a kind of vicious circle – lead FiL to berating me for being like this.

Even as I write this I am asking myself, so what? What’s the worst that will happen if they know I am a recovering dental phobic? I don’t really have an answer to this but the very thought of it fills me with terror. For one thing I will lose all respect from FiL – perhaps respect from him is not worth much in the first place but that’s not so easy to say/do when it is a family situation. Another thing is that I have never told my parents that I have a dentist. Again, I can’t really explain this but as an example, a couple of years ago, my mum called and OH told her, without thinking that I wasn’t in as had a dentist appointment. She called back later into the day to crow at me that I couldn’t have done as I am weak and pathetic and don’t go to dentists. It was easier to pigeonhole myself in her category than argue so I just said, yes, he made a mistake; I was actually at the opticians, which satisfied her. And she will bring up my weakness at the mere hint of the word dentistry. It happens any time I am with her and a toothpaste advert come on. Also, she would want to know what dentist I go to and why I won’t go back to the family one (scary woman that also developed my phobia). She is always hassling me about me not having much money and if she were to find out the sacrifices I make so that I can go to an amazing but very expensive private dentist, she will be furious.

I know this is a strange, very personal and probably quite unique situation but the thought of this impending dinner makes me feel sick. We tried to come up with reasons to cancel but can’t find anything plausible that won’t be found out and as mother and MiL speak regularly can’t just tell one that the other can’t make it. It is ridiculous; I am a fully-grown, married woman in my 30s who is still scared of what my parents will think of me. In the past few years I have done a lot of emotional growing in regard to this kind of thing and feel I have come really far in becoming my own person for the first time in my life but am not completely there and just don’t want to be set back at this point.

I understand this is only vaguely dentistry-related so wasn’t sure where to post. Mods, please feel free to move if necessary.

I think you probably already know the answer to this; your problem here is not so much your dental phobia as the urgent need to tell both sets of parents to go @&*! themselves if they can't behave like civilised human beings. You might be pleasantly surprised at how effective this approach can be.

There is an old saying along the lines that, when you get married, you should move at least 150 miles away from your nearest relative. That's not always practical (to say the least) but it sure stops them from trying to manage the minutiae of your life

biffo1963 said:

I think you probably already know the answer to this; your problem here is not so much your dental phobia as the urgent need to tell both sets of parents to go @&*! themselves if they can't behave like civilised human beings. You might be pleasantly surprised at how effective this approach can be.

There is an old saying along the lines that, when you get married, you should move at least 150 miles away from your nearest relative. That's not always practical (to say the least) but it sure stops them from trying to manage the minutiae of your life

Click to expand...

If only I could. Unfortunately familiy ties and loyalty - not to mention my desire to be a "bigger" person than them - will always get in the way. As for living far away - I do and that's kind of the problem. When I see my mum it generally means one of us staying with the other for about a week at a time so for those periods, there is nowhere to hide! As for PiLs, they live just a few streets away so no escape there either!

Sounds like your Father in Law is weaker then you are when it comes to dentists, and his only way to cope is to boast about how 'fearless" he is.

I'd wager money that on the inside, he is terrified. I'd also take satisfaction from that because YOU are the stronger person because you can admit you have fears. A person who bullies others and can never admit there fears is the weak one.

As for your Mother....I think I understood it as she thought you were at the dentist the other day, and actually called to tell you that yuo are too weak to go to the dentist? I would simply laugh and say "Yup. I was at the dentist. He did a ton of invasive horrible work and it was fine. Yup. And So? " Sounds like she has a LOT of rage towards herself for her own fears.

Since you have to deal with these people, I'd put on an out face of amusement, while knowing on the inside that these two are the weak ones. I assure you of that.

The emotional pain in your situation sounds intense. I admire you, as I would quitely faint during one of those dinnes. All my friends and my husband were pretty much the same as your relatives and inlaws. That was just as hard on me as the Dentist of Darkness. When everyone is telling us that we are weak and inadequate, it's ferociously difficult to struggle on toward what we need. I found a lot of help expressing it on this forum - especially because people were not like that here. I too make sacrifices to be able to see my current dentist. What's it worth not to be still in the nightmare? Anything!
I actually saw a shaman who taught me a technique to use when surrounded by people whose presence was like an attack on my spirit. If interested, I could share.
Loving the peace in my life now
Barbara

I can sympathize. I have a brother who is obsessed with dentistry and discusses it at EVERY family gathering - whether it be teeth whitening, braces, cavities, dental costs, insurance, etc. He always comments on people's teeth - to the point of being rude I think. To me, telling someone they have a nice smile is a compliment, but saying you have great teeth, let me see them is just weird and invasive. I don't know how I've gotten this far with him not prying my mouth open. Just thinking about going home for Christmas almost 2 months from now totally stresses me out.

You have no control over other people. You can't change them. You can't make anyone like or approve of you - not even your own family members. In fact, ESPECIALLY not family. The only person you have any control over is YOU.

So, you'll never change your parents or inlaws, but you CAN change how you react to them, which will in turn make you feel so much better.

You have to accept that with some people, there is NOTHING you can do that is every good enough for them or that will get you an, "atta girl!" - it just won't happen because they're just miserable people. So trying to please such people is like repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall and asking yourself why you keep bleeding.

When you're sure of who you are and are comfortable in your own skin, it won't matter what others say or think about you because you don't define yourself or your self-worth by other people's opinions, which can change from day to day anyway based on THEIR moods and issues.

So, try a different approach... go to the dinner and BOAST about your dental phobia! Then relish the priceless looks on their faces.