Venting... Upset about parent's reaction to my fear

Hi everyone. I just faced my fears about 2 weeks ago and finally went to go see a dentist. I was unhappy with my parents' dentist they wanted me to go to and never even let her look in my mouth. She ridiculed me for my phobia and seemed like an overall mean person. So I did a lot of research and found a very nice office with a really caring staff and I'm very happy with them. I ended up needing 9 fillings (Did 5 last Friday and doing 4 this Friday) and they treated me very well. I feel totally comfortable with them and glad I have someone I can trust in regards to dental work.

I told my dentist about my problems I have with TMD and grinding (they told me that the grinding was the reason for the little holes in my teeth!) and want me to get a fancy night guard that will correct both problems. However, when I told my dad I needed it, he got all upset and decided that it was a scam and that I should get a second opinion. I told him getting a second opinion was definetley not an option, and had to tell him about my phobia. When I told my mother about my fears, she was very supportive and understood (somewhat) of what I was going through and she's the one who let me go to a different dentist anyway. But when I told my dad I didn't want to get a second opinion he told me "That's stupid, just go to our family dentist and see what she has to say." Our "family dentist" he's talking about was the mean lady I vowed never to go see because she made me feel horrible about my phobia. I can't even bear the idea of stepping one foot in her office. (I still have a hard time going to my new office that I actually like and trust!) And then he made it worse by insisting that he GOES WITH ME TO THE APPOINTMENT. There is nothing that freaks me out more than going with anyone to a dentist appointment. I wouldn't even have my very best friend who I tell all my secrets to go with me. To me, it's embarrassing and a private matter. I'm very ashamed of my teeth, and I don't want the mean dentist to look at them, and I sure as hell don't want my father there. To me, that's the equivalent of taking him with me to the gynecologist! I won't let even my mother go to my new dentist's office (with OR without me) even though we have a really good relationship. And she respects that I need to have my privacy. (Although she has been nosy and tried to call them about me -- thank God for being 18 and having doctor-patient confidentiality on my side!)

And I get that my dad is the one paying for it and that he wants to make sure it's not a scam to make money (which he firmly believes is the case) but he was very insensitive when I told him that I was scared to go anywhere else. I told him I was only comfortable at the place I currently go to. He told me "You're either going with me to our dentist, or you're not getting the appliance. You're 18 now, grow the f*** up and stop this nonsense!"

I knew my dad wouldn't understand my fear, which is why I haven't told him, but I wasn't expecting such a negative reaction from him. I ended up crying and immediately leaving his office with a bitter and sarcastic "Nice chatting with you, Dad" and went to my room.

He doesn't know how much he's hurt me by not being at all sympathetic towards my fear and not even trying to come up with a better solution (like letting me go alone and then getting a written explanation from the second opinion dentist whether or not I really did need the night guard.)

One of my biggest fears when it comes to anything dentist related, is having people looking at me or my teeth. I don't really know why, but I actually made sure none of my friends went to this dentist before going there myself. The idea of running into anyone I know or talking to anyone or seeing anyone at the dentist makes me want to die. It's personal to me for some unknown reason. Maybe because I know I have a tendency to make a fool of myself by crying and shaking. I've made it clear that whenever I have an appointment, they are to put me in the very back room so no one will see me. I can't even fathom the idea of someone I know GOING with me, and being in the room with me is a whole different story!

Now my parents are yelling at each other. Mom's on my side for letting me do my own thing that I'm comfortable with (going to appointments alone, and finding a different dentist for a second opinion) and Dad's telling her that I should "get over it" and "grow up". Dad's upset because he thinks it's a scam, Mom's upset because Dad refuses to pay for the appliance (and because he is the one with the job, so she can't pay for it herself), and I'm upset because I had to tell Dad about my fear and he reacted so horribly! I hope he never finds out that nitrous isn't covered by insurance, because he would have a huge hissy fit over that one, and that's the only thing that's been able to keep me calm even during cleanings!

Very upset right now... There's no point in trying to reason with my father. His attitude is "My way or the highway" and he has absolutely no sympathy for anything or anyone (I'm actually starting to think he might be a psychopath.)

Hi

I don't know how much a night-guard costs but usually it is not an expensive thing. Maybe your father has a wrong impression on the costs. I would first ask your dentist how much it costs.

Worst case scenario: klenching and grinding cause problems on the long run, in the scale of years. If you do the night guard two years from now it is also OK.

Hi there-

I do understand how frustrating it can be when your own parents don't understand this kind of thing. The first time the dentist tried to pull a few of my baby teeth, I flipped out as soon as I saw the needle, jumped out of the chair, and bolted down the hallway. No amount of coaxing could get me back in there, and my parents ended up having to pay for the appointment (at least part of it) anyway. I remember my dad being mad that I was acting like such a baby.

And then I was 17 and got a painful root canal, I dug my fingernails into my arm so hard that i drew blood, and my arm was all scratched and scabbed up. When my mom noticed and I told her why I did it, all she said was "Don't ever do that again". She didn't offer consolation about the pain or anxiety I had felt, she was more concerned with how my arm looked. I still have white scars on my arm from that, and I'm 30 years old now.

I don't know your specific and personal situation, but I think I can relate to how you feel in this regard.

kittykat,

What a mess, I'm so sorry.

I happen to think that what you've done is very grown-up and mature and brave and difficult and exceptional. There are people here who are much much older than you and are still trying to be as brave and responsible as you've been. As you can tell from reading lots of other posts here, dental phobia is not something you "grow the f*** up" out of. It's something that you learn to take control of, hopefully with the loving support of friends and family members. You should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself for your bravery and for taking your own health into your hands. If you were my daughter I'd be beaming proud of you right now.

It sounds like neither of your parents really understands just how difficult this whole thing has been for you. On your mom's part, it sounds like she's coming around, and even though she may not understand what you're feeling, she seems to support what you're doing. (It could be that her "nosy" call to your new dentist was just to gather some information to try to convince your dad...)

Dad, on the other hand, needs a big lesson in empathy. It sounds like he's one of those no-nonsense, nuts and bolts kind of guys. He probably orders the ribeye even when he'd rather have the fillet, because "I refuse to pay more money for less meat." He probably makes the mechanic give him the old rusty muffler as proof that he's not getting ripped off. So to him, your big, scary, brave, incredibly mature and responsible dental journey just come down to some hair-brained mouth gadget his daughter's quack dentist is trying to sell him. Don't they sell some kind of mouth guard thingy at the Walmart for $1.39?

Well, you're stuck with dad. My guess is he's probably like this about other things as well. Maybe there's all kinds of things he's good at, but my guess is, feelings and emotion's aren't one of them. You're absolutely right that your health is your own business. Your dad is completely unreasonable to demand to actually be present during any kind of medical procedure. If he wants you to act like an adult he's going to have to learn to let you go to the doctor like an adult. And, he's going to have to deal with you making your own decisions about your health. Suppose he's right and this mouth guard is a complete waste of money. So what? You and your dentist have decided that it's the best thing to protect your teeth from further damage. Medical choices are always full of risk and doubt and choosing from among imperfect options. Should you get a second opinion? Probably. Does every adult always seek out a second opinion every time? Nope. For you the emotional cost of finding another dentist and making yourself vulnerable all over again isn't worth the cost of getting a mouth guard that might not be necessary. Having dad leaning over your shoulder sure doesn't help that.

Too bad he controls the wallet.

Unless your mom can persuade him, the sad truth might be that dad won't agree to pay for your mouthguard until you get a second opinion. Perhaps he'll settle for letting YOU find another dentist to give that opinion (although that might cost money for an appointment, which might get old scrooge going all over again-- I bet the "family dentist" would do it for free, which is part of the appeal to dad). If you can handle that, maybe that can be the compromise. But I don't think you should agree to let him control any of it. Getting a second opinion is a prudent thing to do; demanding to be present is a violation of your privacy. I also don't think you should go back to the family dentist. You need to trust the people who work on your mouth, and the family dentist ain't one of them.

If you can't work something out that satisfies your dad's conditions and is acceptable to you, your other option is to start saving up for the mouthguard yourself. From Dr. Daniel it sounds like it's not something you need right this moment. Talk to your dentist and see if they have some kind of payment plan or lender they work with. Maybe you can work out a short-term loan and make payments with whatever source of income you can muster. Heck, then you'd be building financial responsibility too.

However this all works out, I think you deserve to be told again and again and again just how AWESOME and BRAVE and RESPONSIBLE and MATURE you are for taking the steps you've taken. I hope you don't let your dad's crappy reaction stop you from feeling good about what you've done, or sway you from continuing to take care of yourself. Find the people in your life who are truly compassionate and who have your best interests at heart, and ask them for lots of praise and support. You're doing great!

Hi Kitty,

I don't even know what to say about the situation with your dad... Except I'm sorry... But I do want to say I saw mouth guards at the drug store. Maybe you can get one of those for now until dad's not paying the dental bills anymore?

I agree with Dr Daniel that in general a mouthguard can wait a couple of years. As to your dad I would try and talk with him and carefully and quietly with a soft tone explain to him But don't get upset no matter what he says. Many times someone will say words that hurt and get you upset. This time you must ignore any painful things your dad says but instead calmly stay on YOUR topic. If you get upset you lose.
If after that he doesn't change his tone about you and changing dentists then figure out how you can help pay for your own treatment. This will show that you value the care.

Kittykat,

I am sorry to learn that your father is so unreasonable and authoritarian about something related to your health instead of one of the more common parent/adolescent controversies like the suitability of a current date or the most appropriate hour for weekend curfew. I don't know why your father is the way he is, but if I had to guess, I would suspect that both your paternal grandparents were also very controlling: not to excuse your father's behavior, but he simply may not know another way to parent. Although your mother appears to still be learning, it seems like she is becoming your dental ally. Therefore, it's certainly too bad that she can't help with the bills.

If you trust your dentist without a second opinion and want a nightguard sooner rather than later, is finding some kind of work to pay for it a possibility? Even if you can't find a regular part-time job this late in the summer, money from occasional yardwork, car washing, dog walking/pet sitting, and/or babysitting could add up. Even though it would be ironic in a dental context, maybe you and your friends could hold a bake sale near a public park, swimming pool, or recreation center. Do you have anything you could sell on eBay, on consignment, or at a yard sale? Also (as mentioned elsewhere on this website), your dentist might even be willing to work out some sort of barter arrangement.

Regarding over-the-counter nightguards: please don't buy one unless your dentist recommends it. My dentist, "Dr. Yes," has prescribed and designed custom nightguards for several years, and cautions against OTC nightguards on his website. I'd include a link, but since I write about Dr. Yes's dental practice and skill with phobic patients (at least me!) rather extensively on this forum, I want to protect his identity and privacy: in brief, I don't want him to become innundated with dental phobics unless this is something he wants.

Even if your father cannot respect your dental phobia, I hope he eventually learns to respect you. You deserve it!

iDent said:

If you trust your dentist without a second opinion and want a nightguard sooner rather than later, is finding some kind of work to pay for it a possibility?

Click to expand...

I'm leaving for college in 20 days, so no possibility of a part-time job... I'll be studying nursing, so working a job, studying, and doing clinicals just won't work... And all my money I've got saved up will be for textbooks, food, and tuition.

Dr. Daniel said:

Hi

I don't know how much a night-guard costs but usually it is not an expensive thing. Maybe your father has a wrong impression on the costs. I would first ask your dentist how much it costs.

Worst case scenario: klenching and grinding cause problems on the long run, in the scale of years. If you do the night guard two years from now it is also OK.

Click to expand...

It's not covered by insurance and he wanted me to get some sort of thing called NTI-plus and it's $700... I get that it's a lot of money, but it bothers me that he won't pay for it when he makes 7 figures..................

Glad to know it will be ok to wait a bit to figure it out. Thanks

Steve In Cleveland said:

Don't they sell some kind of mouth guard thingy at the Walmart for $1.39?

Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind post! It really made me feel a lot better.

In regards to the OTC mouth guards, I'm very skeptical about that... I don't want to do anything without doctor recommendation and especially don't want to make anything worse. I worry about teeth shifting and ruining my bite with mouth guards that aren't custom made by a professional.






As for grinding and clenching at night, are there solutions other than a mouth guard? I've found that when I'm stressed or anxious about something, I wake up with my jaw sore, so maybe there's a chance the cause is stress. Maybe treating the root of the problem would be a better idea. Could anti-anxiety medication or muscle relaxers stop grinding?

Thanks all again for the support. Really appreciate it. This forum is amazing

I've been told getting braces should help my clenching long term. Offer that as an option to your dad he might change his mind on a $700 nightgaurd if the alternative is probably 10x that for orthodontics! Could you possibly get a cheaper custom made nightgaurd from your dentist even if its only until you graduate and start earning?

It's not the money it's the control. I wish you the best in college I wouldn't worry about the NTI appliance at this time. Work on your relationship with your dad I am sure it can be difficult at times. Most all dads want a good relationship with their daughters but all of us carry some issues with us that get in the way at times.

Hi KittyKat
Your dad sounds like he fell from the same tree as mine! I can most definitely sympathise with your situation; I’m in my thirties and don’t even live in the same country as my parents yet still feel they have some kind of hold over me with regards my dental anxieties and am more scared of them finding out about my fear than I am of any (well, almost any) dental procedure. Growing up I could never tell either my mum or dad that I had a phobia – I knew exactly what they thought of “weak minded people like that”. Of course they knew I stopped going to the family dentist when I was 14 and didn’t seem to mind that I was neglecting my dental health, just as long as the reason wasn’t anything to do with fear. So I kept coming up with excuses, saying I would get round to it or that I just didn’t see the point which were passed without comment. Then, when I got older, became independent, moved out, met my husband and eventually plucked up the courage to find a sympathetic dentist who could help me; I still didn’t tell them because I knew they would see it as better to be dentally unhealthy through choice than see a dentist but get anxious about it. To back this up, two things have happened during their visits back here (they were the ones who moved away) in recent years: Firstly, I plucked up the courage to mention quite nonchalantly (although it took weeks of practicing, building courage and my heart was pounding so much I could barely breathe ) to my mother that I have started going to a dentist (she would always ask whenever a toothpaste advert came on “I take it you’ve still not found time to go to the dentist?” so I wanted to finally be able to have a comeback and say flippantly, “why, yes. Every six months.”). She reacted by demanding to know if I had gone back to the old family dentist (living abroad she doesn’t go there anymore anyway but obviously still feels loyal to the fear-inducing witch) and when I said no, I had found a new practice she got angry and wanted to know why; she actually said “we’ll have to do something about that. Give me the name of your dentist and I’ll call and explain you already have one, then I’ll make an appointment for you back with your own dentist”. Then she persisted in saying that she hoped it wasn’t one of those new “hippy” dentists that treats everyone like children rather than just forcing everyone to get on with things
.
Then , on a separate visit I was in the car with my dad and got stopped at traffic lights right outside my dental practice. Cue sweaty palms, pounding heart and irrational fear that my dentist would come outside and wave to me and I would have to explain it… The practice has a big sign outside saying that they recognise and are committed to helping phobic and anxious patients and that set my dad off on a well versed rant about that being the most pathetic thing he had ever seen and sums up all that is wrong with our nannied society these days. I just shrunk down behind the steering wheel and floored the car to get away as soon as the lights changed .

I also wanted to say that I did exactly the same as you when choosing my dentist – made sure I was unlikely to ever bump into anyone I know there and as I’ve said on other threads, my husband is my rock when it comes to helping my deal with my high levels of anxiety but he understands part of being “there” for me is not being there if you see what I mean. Dental appointments are something I need to do alone. I wonder if you can use your dad’s own argument back against him in this instance.

“You're 18 now, grow the f*** up and stop this nonsense!”

Click to expand...

You are 18 and grown up so it wouldn’t be appropriate to have a parent accompany you to your dental appointment and you are asserting your adult status by taking responsibility for choosing your own healthcare provider.

The money does seem to be the sticking point but the fact that you have your mum or your side is great and perhaps she can make him see reason eventually. Can you strike a deal with him that you will pay back every penny in the future (once you have graduated from College)? Or perhaps – since the fear issue is out there anyway – your dentist (who sounds fab!) could write a factual letter explaining why the device is needed and the benefits to your oral health? When I was struggling to come to terms with needing extractions my dentist offered to put his recommendations in writing and this was a good ice breaker for me to be able to start a conversation with my husband about what I was facing and why it frightened me. Definitely do at least talk to your dentist about the over-the-counter guards and ask him what the risks and effects of not using any device would be. If the dentist knows there is a potential obstacle to obtaining what he recommends (and you could just talk financially without having to complain about your dad) then perhaps he could come up with a cheaper alternative or suggest how long the treatment could be delayed whilst you sort this out?

Do remember however that this is likely to be just one side of your dad’s personality. I know mine has had me in tears at times over his insensitivity to this and other issues but there are also a lot of good things about him and we do have nice memories also so I try to focus on these and not let his (very) unreasonable nature about other things get in the way of our relationship. People are complex and nobody is all good or all bad all of the time even if some of the things they do can be at the extreme end of the scale so please don’t let this issue affect your family relationship.