• Dental Phobia Support

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Can someone please help me? (US)

G

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Former Member
This thread first appeared on the support board, but because so many people found it helpful, it was moved to success stories


My state of total despair has improved to perhaps 99% despair after finding this support forum. After reading the comments of others, I see there are many that share my fears and anxiety, yet does little to assist me directly.

I’ve been married for twenty years. During that time I’ve not visited the dentist, despite the fact that my wife works for one. While she is a kind and caring person, she’s quick to criticize people who don’t share her beliefs. Each night she comes home and shares stories about patients; how they act and how childish they often are. My “fright” probably originates from several bad experiences I had while a child. My mother took us to an old timer whose office resembled Dr Frankenstein’s lab. He insisted my Mom wait out side during any procedure. Young and nervous, I was often restrained and often forcibly sedated with nitrous oxide. On two occasions I awoke sobbing, vividly recalling my trousers being open. Years later I realized what probably happened. Fearing what might happen the next visit, I was petrified to tell my Mom. Now, despite a sincere desire to share these incidents with my wife, I’m simply unable. Till this day, I awake with nightmares that relive the incident over and over. The pain of the injections, the smell of the burning porcelain against the dentist’s drill and that antiseptic smell invoke anxiety and tightness in my chest that brings me to a cold sweat.

In the past few years I’ve made appointments with other dentists. As the day approached my nights were sleepless and in each case I cancelled the appointment. While I truly want to obtain the dental care I so desperately need, emotionally and physically I’m unable. I’m also horrified by the thought that my wife’s co-workers will probably be discussing my state of neglect.

The thought of any injections immediately invoke panic and any thoughts of any form of sedation result in the recurring flashbacks that haunt me.

Up until now most of the much needed work was restricted to the rear teeth, Fillings that have long since fallen out made way to fractures and are now gum line memories of what once was. I realize that these must somehow be extracted and the thought of oral surgery is unthinkable. Now more recently, the damage is visible in my front teeth. Like many here, it’s embarrassing and has taken away much of my self esteem. Oh, and one more important fact. For some strange reason, most pain medication doesn’t work very well so the thought of enduring pain in the aftermath of any procedure faces me with very few choices. I consider myself an extreme case, definitely desperate for help, and getting more depressed by the day. Won’t someone offer some suggestion that’s not been given?
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

NumbWithFear,

I admire your courage for sharing your story here. That takes some guts. It really angers me when I read stories like yours - hope the bastard is dead or in jail :mad:.

The nightmares and flashbacks you're experiencing are very common after traumatic events of the nature you've described. The good news is that they can be successfully dealt with. Talking about it repeatedly definitely does help. If you can't talk to your wife about it at this stage, or if you're afraid of what her reaction might be, it might be an idea to enlist the services of a qualified psychologist who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorders and phobias (esp. if they have a "tame" dentist they work with, so that when you get to that stage, they'll have someone to transfer you to!). Psychologists who specialize in that field should be well-equipped to teach you coping strategies that will work for you, and make sure that the process isn't overwhelming and that you remain in control. That would be one suggestion I'd highly recommend. There would be a number of added benefits taking that approach, e. g. you wouldn't have your wife's co-workers to worry about.


The thought of any injections immediately invoke panic and any thoughts of any form of sedation result in the recurring flashbacks that haunt me.


Sedation is meant to make things easier, not harder. A lot of people who've experienced traumatic events (dental or otherwise) which involved loss of control prefer not to be sedated for dental treatment (myself included). Sedation is really meant to be an anxiety-reducing measure - if the whole idea of sedation induces anxiety instead of lowering your level of fear, it's oftentimes not indicated. Instead, measures can be put into place which ensure that you're in control throughout your treatment.


Up until now most of the much needed work was restricted to the rear teeth, Fillings that have long since fallen out made way to fractures and are now gum line memories of what once was. I realize that these must somehow be extracted and the thought of oral surgery is unthinkable.


Teeth that are badly decayed and broken off at the gumline can often be the easiest to remove...

For some strange reason, most pain medication doesn’t work very well so the thought of enduring pain in the aftermath of any procedure faces me with very few choices.


I'm not a doctor, but you could try asking this one in the "Dentistry Questions" section. Which pain medications exactly don't work well for you? There are a variety of drugs which can be used and there should be one available that works for you.

One last thing - if you do feel your wife would be understanding and empathetic if you told her, then try and go ahead and do it. A problem shared really is a problem halved, and most of the time, there's no one better to tell than a loved one.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Numb,
I am so sorry for your situation. I am in the same situation. I (un)fortunately do not know what happened in that dental chair, but I am pretty sure it was more than teeth cleaning. It sounds very much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have it as well, and it is nothing like a dental phobia. Whenever I smell a dental office, it makes me want to vomit, and often I do. Anyway, my advice is to find a qualified psychologist who can help you with your situation. I am not recovered from my PTSD, but it is treatable. My current plan is to find a dentist who will use general anesthesia to finish what needs to be done. I have paradoxal reactions to Versed, which is the rx most docs use for conscious sedation. Bad trip, really, really bad. I don't know about your location, (I'm in USA), but I would guess that some of this would be different in other countries. I also know that my insurance co will pay for sedation if a person has "medical need". Being officially diagnosed with a condition will greatly improve your chances of having your work covered by insurance. I know we all seem to have a lot of problems around here, worrying about how to pay for it all shouldn't be the worst of it! Please try to do what you can for yourself. It can be very difficult to make that first step, but ultimately it is beneficial.
good luck,
Shannon
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

"It sounds very much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have it as well, and it is nothing like a dental phobia."

The two can also go hand-in-hand. This can be very different from PTSD as a separate diagnosis. While it doesn't take away from the horror, it may make things a lot easier when it's situation-specific.


Many people with a dental phobia do not want to be "out of it". Indeed, I've heard of quite a few people who felt pressured into sedation and agreed in order to "please" a dentist. This, in my opinion, is wrong and should not happen. Local anaesthesia, when administered properly, works perfectly fine (there can be very rare exceptions). It is a matter of personal preference whether someone "doesn't want to know", or whether they feel happier with good pain control and being in full control at all times. I prefer the latter, others prefer the former. A lot of this will depend on what caused the fears in the first place. I also recognize that for people whose primary fear is of "being aware" what's going on, sedation may be the perfect way forward. Others again experience mixed feelings and will go with whatever they feel is right for them after weighing up all the options.

There's no magic formula that works for everyone.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Your words of encouragement, however slight you might think they might be, were really appreciated. Yesterday, with perfect strangers I shared facts in this forum that no one, not even my wife was aware of. Perhaps the anonymity of the keyboard made this possible, or perhaps it was the desperation of my inner self crying out for help. However, it happened I am greatful.

This afternoon, at lunch, about 25% of the lower portion of my front tooth broke off. My dental neglect was now a public issue. I broke out in a cold sweat that was immediately noticed by my co-workers. I managed to hide it, but everyone knew something was wrong. I’m sure anyone else would have shrugged of the incident, and had it taken care of the next day. I wish I could be “anyone else.”<br>
My work day was over at 4:00 p.m. On the way home, partially numb, I knew I could now no longer hide “my secret” from my wife of 20 years. It would have been easier to tell her I was “gay” or that I slept with another woman. Some of you may be laughing, but please try to respect the depth of my situation.

On the way home I stopped off at the local bottle shop and purchased a “six pack” of Bass Ale. Yes, even in the U.S. we fancy it! After about 4 bottles I got up enough nerve to call the wife, at work at the dentist’s office. With audible emotion in my voice I explained what happened this afternoon, and that I’ve realized that I must have my dental conditions corrected. I tried to explain that in my childhood I had a “very traumatic” experience. Jokingly she said, “what, were you molested?” Little does she realize that it may be the most accurate assumption she’s made since meeting me. How I will deal with this aspect of my predicament is an unknown. Fighting off tears, I explained that I needed some time alone (to have a few more Bass Ale’s) and that I’d appreciate her understanding shoulder to cry on. The uncertainty of how she will take what I’m planning to tell her has my stomach churning. Yet, it has to be done.

Yesterday, I mentioned that she works for a dentist. Her boss is a petite blonde that I’ve come to know as a sensitive and understanding person. Several times when my wife’s office staff attended social gatherings she’s asked me when I’m coming in to see her. Trying to turn the tables I jokingly said “you’re so persistent thank God you’re not a proctologist!

I trust her, yet I’ve seen many manifestations of the “gabby blonde” and that’s what really sends shivers up my spine. None the less, my wife now knows that I have a problem. With the help of God I’ll somehow find the courage to pay a visit to her office and start the road to God only knows what. Any suggestions and words of encouragement would be most appreciated. Of course, I’ll keep the group posted on my progress.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

First of all, let me tell you your courage makes me speachless with admiration. Do you realize how brave you are? It takes tons of guts to do what you have done in the past two days.
I'm sure that a woman denstist will help a lot. And the presence of your wife. Keep in mind that we are always in control. We can make the dentist stop and we can leave any moment we chose to.
As far as your fear of the "after procedures" pain, I can only give you my experience. Nowadays the techniques are so refined that you hardly feel anything. I had extractions, root canals, you name it and I never felt anything more than a slight discomfort. As far as the extracions go, I had two badly chipped upper molars (one of them very close to the gumline) and both extractions have been incredibly easy and fast. Approximately ten minutes for the first one, freezing included, and fifteen for the second one.
You will be in comand of the situation. You will have a gentle, caring denstis who will do nothing you haven't decided accordingly and your wife will be there, making sure nothing bad happens to you.
It will take a lot of guts, I know. But not certainly more than you already showed taking those steps.
You will be alright.
Keep us posted
Hugs
H
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

I admire your courage for telling us your story and that you are going to tell your wife! (Haven't yet managed to tell my husband what happened to me as a child.) That takes a lot of guts.

You wrote: "The pain of the injections, the smell of the burning porcelain against the dentist’s drill and that antiseptic smell invoke anxiety and tightness in my chest that brings me to a cold sweat."

Dentistry has come a long way in the last twenty years. When you get to the dentist, everything will look, feel, and smell very differently to the way things were twenty years ago.

Injections: Dentists now use a gel that they rub onto your gums, and you won't feel the needle going in. Provided the dentist injects slowly, you won't feel that either. I look at my dentist, but if I closed my eyes, I wouldn't even know I was getting an injection.

Smell of the drilling: Drills nowadays come with a water cooling system. As the dentist drills water comes out, which cools the drilling site, which also means there is no burning smell. (The water gets sucked away with a suction tool, which also sucks away the debris.)

Antisepctic smell: I think it's called "oil of cloves". Can't speak for all dental offices, but at my dentist's there is no "antiseptic smell". In fact, there are no noticable smells there at all. And I've read that many dentist don't use THAT stuff anymore. So, with any luck, there will be no smells there to remind you of the past.

As "Let's" has already said, you don't have to be sedated; that's an optional extra. You also don't have to lie down. Without going into any details, I explained to my dentist why I couldn't cope with lying down, and he treats me sitting up. (Actually, I had a friend explain it on my behalf before I went for the first visit.)

As for the pain after the treatment: In the last six years, I've had extractions (two molars, one wisdom tooth), several fillings, an old bridge removed, three implants and one root canal treatment - and there has never been any pain afterwards (nor was there any pain during the treatment).

You may not feel able to tell your dentist WHY you are frightened, but it will help to tell her WHAT you fear. She will want to help you, but she is no mind reader. My dentist is immensely kind, and I also found that just knowing he knows was helpful for me (hope that makes sense, lol). "Telling" takes a lot of guts, and I've used several approaches: a friend (who is also a patient there) speaking on my behalf before I went and then coming with me; on later occasions I've twice written a very brief letter; and - feeling more comfortable - finally managed to discuss things with my dentist face-to-face. He has always been absolutely fine!

All the best with telling your wife. And do come back and tell us how you get on.

G.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Many thanks for your feedback, it is appreciated. I cannot think of much to add to what Heitara and "G." have already said.

I trust her, yet I’ve seen many manifestations of the “gabby blonde” and that’s what really sends shivers up my spine.


Not ALL blondes are gabby, I'm the rare exception ;). Joking aside, there is such as thing as doctor-patient confidentiality :).

I hope you can find the strength to tell your wife. Let's put it this way, if it was the other way round and your wife told you that she had been molested by a dentist as a child, what would your reaction be?
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Numb,
Congratulations for taking that step. I know how difficult that can be. I hope you relaize how much courage you have shown. I do have a suggestion, because I totally understand your trust issues. Is there any way the dentist could have your wife be her assistant during your visits? It may be much easier on you, knowing your wife, and trusting her, may make a difference for you. It was just an idea, but I thought it was a good one. ;) As far as the "gabby" thing goes, if it is only the doc & your wife in with you, and you explain to your wife the nature of your concern, I am sure she would understand. That is not to say however, that she & the dentist would not discuss you or your condition--be aware, this shouldn't be construed as "gossiping", they are simply trying to discuss your case, and give you the best dental care possible! Oh, one more thing. I have a big problem w/"dental smells", and the last doc I went to (w/my kids) used aromatherapy in the office. It was the only dental office I have ever been in that didn't smell like a dental office. Maybe you could ask your wife (or a trusted friend) to make a request for aromatherapy, or even air fresheners around the office on the day of your visit. They may not even be aware that it smells. When you are in an environment, after a while smells you noticed at first, no longer register.
Congrats again,
Shannon
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Can't speak for all dental offices, but at my dentist's there is no "antiseptic smell".

Same here, though for some reason there can be an antiseptic smell in the waiting room (but not in the actual treatment rooms). Don't ask me why ;D! I've never been able to figure it out. Smell is really a huge thing when it comes to fear responses (not surprisingly, because the sense of smell is heavily interconnected with all parts of the limbic system, which also contains the structures involved in fear). So I would second "G."s and Shannon's comments.

You also don't have to lie down. Without going into any details, I explained to my dentist why I couldn't cope with lying down, and he treats me sitting up.


I'd just like to make a suggestion here: one reason why dentists nowadays treat people lying down is because the system is designed to provide the best solution ergonomically possible (for your dentist, that is - prevents backaches etc.). Personally, I much prefer lying down, but everyone's different in that respect. I'd like to ask people not to run out en masse asking their dentists to treat them sitting up, unless this is really necessary for the individual in order to be able to have treatment. But - for anyone who feels that lying down is a huge problem, don't hesitate to let your dentist know. Not all dentists will be able to treat you sitting up, though.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Numb,
Is there any way the dentist could have your wife be her assistant during your visits? It may be much easier on you, knowing your wife, and trusting her, may make a difference for you.,
Shannon

As odd as this might sound, I’d prefer my wife not to be part of it or even being there. As I’ve explained, she has no idea of the extent of work I’ll probably need. Since I’ve had very little pain over the years, nothing has been obvious.

So, last night I somehow had a very emotional conversation with my wife. She commented that she knew something was bothering me but could not figure out what it might be. I was able to explain my fears, but try as I might I was not able to explain the probable cause. That hopefully will be tonight.

Thus far I’ve pretty much predicted her responses, and sadly it’s not as supportive as I need. She explained that “everyone’s had a bad experience and I need to put it behind me.” She also said that thousands of people have such fears so you aren’t alone.”

Trying to justify my feelings I told her that “those thousands of people aren’t me.” She suggested trying some type of anxiety medication which I’m not opposed to. However, I’d like to try it before committing to an appointment. That may be a possibility and I’d see if it can decrease the intense anxiety I experience. This will be a day by day process, one that I’m really hoping will start very soon.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

I can definitely relate, I didn't want to have someone with me, either (I don't like making a total fool of myself - well, most of the time, sometimes I don't mind;)). I can also relate to maybe not being understood.

I have a feeling that letting her know what actually happened in your case might make a huge difference to the way she views things, but I can't tell for certain. The only way to find out is by actually telling her. You can't change people, some are more touchy-feely than others, doesn't mean they don't care about you. Also, some people feel that by "commiserating" they might make things worse, and prefer to put on a brave face. People's reactions don't always reflect the way they really feel.

You've taken huge steps and shown great courage over last the couple of days, never forget that.

Let us know how you get on tonight - my thoughts are with you :)!
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Numb,
Actually, I don't think it's strange to not want her there. I'm not saying she wouldn't take care of you, but some people simply don't understand the depths of our fears. I am sure that given the circumstances, you may even want to look for a dentist who specializes in phobic/PTSD patients. That's what I am looking into. I also can relate to your situation with your wife. Hubby has "good" teeth, has never even had a cavity, and is inherently not an empathetic person. Not everyone is. He is great and would do anything I needed, or asked, but often my reasoning escapes him. I would feel out your options, you do have them, even by asking your wife's boss for a suggestion of someone she knows who works w/ phobic/PTSD patients.
Keep us posted, Numb, we're all rooting for you. ;D
Shannon
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

I was to the dentist earlier this week for the first time in a long time, and I'm happy to report I don't remember any aneceptic-like smell so what that other person said about dentist place not smelling seems to be true.

Just going for an exam and not having any work done, so it is garunteed no sedation involved might help get over your phobia. It helps knowing the dentist is only going to look not do anything. Then you will have an exact idea what needs to be done. (Which helped me a lot. I always feared the worst which I think most people do.)

It's extremely difficult to tell someone. I understand. I had a terrible time telling my dad about my dentist phobia. I feel you're anxiety about talking about it.

That is all the advice I have to offer.

Best of wishes to you.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Many thanks for the e-mail many have sent. The concern is truly appreciated. Unfortunately, I really don’t have any news to report, any positive news that is. After speaking with several people I convinced myself to try and at least go and talk with the doctor. Half way there the panic took over. I was forced to pull over and broke out in a cold sweat. It was obvious it wasn’t going to happen this morning. I return home, called with an apology and explained what happened. She genuinely understood and offered a suggestion.

She called the local pharmacy and order valium. She suggested I at least try a dosage of 10 mg at home and see if it calmed the anxiety. Without the request to come in, it seemed like a step in the right direction. Picked up the meds went home and relaxed. But knowing my body, I suspected it would do little to quench the anxiety. Within 90 minutes I was as hyper as can be; my heart racing like a hoarse going for the finish line. It was as I tried to explain to the doctor that pain meds have little to now effect and often only manage to make my hyper. This now adds to the fear that after a procedure, what can I take to relieve any discomfort? Are there any of you that might suggest a more effective anti-anxiety medication that is quick acting and won’t leave me woozy for hours after?

Perhaps another type, a larger dosage but without any professional knowledge at hand I decided to wait till Monday. I’m a bit down now after trying what I though might help me.

I’m sure more will follow and next time perhaps more positive.
Thanks to all
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Thanks for letting us know how you're getting on :)!
Could you maybe meet her over a coffee or something to talk things through (in a not-too-public place)? I don't know how well you know her and if that's possible.
Good luck!
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Within 90 minutes I was as hyper as can be; my heart racing like a hoarse going for the finish line. It was as I tried to explain to the doctor that pain meds have little to now effect and often only manage to make my hyper. This now adds to the fear that after a procedure, what can I take to relieve any discomfort? Are there any of you that might suggest a more effective anti-anxiety medication that is quick acting and won’t leave me woozy for hours after?


Just had some additional thoughts about medication:

There are two types of pain medication, anti-inflammatories and narcotics. In each category you get lots of different brands. Before you talk to the dentist again, it may be useful if you can think back what medications you have taken in the past that didn't help. Knowing this could help the dentist to come up with an alternative.

G.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

In such a short time I’ve come to feel obligated keeping all of my supporters updated! After achieving no affect from the medication she prescribed, I now found it more difficult to discuss my concerns I considered some alternatives.

Last night I sat down and composed a three-page letter. I started off by listing the words that describe my issues; Fear, Concern, Reluctance, embarrassment and so on. Specific concerns related to each word followed.

The letter was delivered to the doctor this morning. Hopefully she’ll be able to suggest an alternative anti-anxiety medication and when I finally visit I’ll not have to go through the details that evoke the inner anxiety.

I’ve also pretty much concluded that my fears may not be the actual procedures. I believe that it’s the procedures themselves that trigger the panic and make me relive the past experiences and flashbacks.
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

I think the letter was a fantastic idea. Considering that your wife works there, would it be possible for you to just go there for a look around, rather than an actual appointment? Might help with getting used to the place.
The other thing is, you could employ a psychologist who specializes in things like PTSD for teaching you coping techniques, if you're prone to things like flashbacks. Might be worth looking into, if you reckon that would help :).

Many thanks for keeping us updated :) !
 
Re: Can someone please help me?

Time for an update!
After seeing no results from Valium I forwarded the info I received from the support group I attended to the doctor. It explained that for those people who are resistant to pain meds, other drugs such as Xanax seem to work better. She agreed to get me some and I tried it. The directions said to take three tablets the day before, and one 2 hrs before the treatment. Taking three ( .5 mg) at one time seemed risky so I cut it to two. Within about 90 minutes the only physical sensation I had was a warm and slight tingling in my toes. No drowsiness – nada, so my preliminary conclusion was that again it would not help. However, I have been sleeping without waking up from the anxiety.

That night the doctor called me. By this time she’d read my three page letter detailing my experiences. Now, having a much better idea what I’ve gone through she assured me that I should not fell guilty. We chatted and when I told her that I took two .5 mg tablets she was quite alarmed. The normal dose was one .25mg tab. That mistake confirmed that I appear to be quite tolerant and will probably require heavier dosages.

She suggested I take 1 tab every six hours today and tomorrow 1 tab two hours before I see her. YES, I’ve committed to seeing her. She suggested we just talk in the waiting room, but I’ve told her that my intentions are to walk in, try my best to begin the process. I’ve explained that I have confidence in her.

I also requested that that unless she felt it was absolutely necessary, keep her tools out of sight and approach from the side. I’ve convinced myself that hopefully what I don’t see may not alarm me. I also decided that 2 hrs before I’m taking two tablets instead of one as she suggested. I seem to be more resistant and if the Xanax is helping, I want as much assistance as I can get. In some strange way, I’m looking forward to this – that’s right now, and tomorrow I’m might be changing my underwear. Only time will tell.

My goal is to slowly experience each procedure that caused me pain and discomfort. If new techniques prove less traumatic, I’m thinking it will gradually lessen each anxiety issue. Wish me luck and I’ll report back assuming I make it through the initial visit.
 
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