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Quixote's Journal - TW for PTSD, OCD, abuse

Q

Quixote

Member
Joined
May 22, 2014
Messages
27
Hello! I'm Quixote. I'm twenty-three, come from England, and until April of this year, I hadn't been to see a dentist since I was eighteen.

My childhood dentist was kind and funny, and I never had to wear a brace and had my first weeny white filling at sixteen. But I was still terrified of him. I was scared of his hands near me, I was scared of being flat on my back in a chair, I was scared of him touching my mouth. I found it hard to breathe whenever he was looking at my teeth, and often cried all the way home.

I didn't know why this was until I was thirteen and I recovered the memories of having been sexually assaulted throughout my childhood, until I was about twelve. I kept going to the dentist, but every time I did, I would have to keep my eyes shut because the sight of his face above mine made me have awful flashbacks of being abused.

When I got to university, I really meant to keep seeing a dentist, but I was frightened, I wasn't in pain, I didn't have any problems with my teeth, and I just could never get around to it.

At the age of twenty I broke a tooth during a seizure. I knew I should go to a dentist but I just couldn't make myself do it - in addition to my childhood trauma, I had also been assaulted while at university. My fear of being touched by strangers was too great and I didn't want to go alone, but also didn't want anybody to know how 'pathetic' I was in being so afraid.

In April this year - yep, two YEARS later - the tooth started to really hurt and my face swelled up like a pufferfish. It was agony, I couldn't sleep or eat, and my partner gently persuaded me to go to a dentist and see what could be done. I googled frantically and was sure it was going to be a root canal.

The dentist was pretty horrible and didn't understand my issues at all - she held me down by my chest which caused me to have a panic attack, and got very angry with me for having skipped dental appointments for so long. It was everything I'd been afraid of, and at that point I nearly gave up. But I agreed to try IV sedation at the clinic, even though I was terrified.

I nearly killed myself over my teeth several times while waiting for my first sedation appointment, which sounds ridiculous, but honestly, it made me feel so frightened and depressed. But it was actually okay. I needed more fillings than I thought due to years of bulimia (ten, it looks like from the diagram) but the sedationist was very gentle and told me what he needed to do in terms of touching me before he did it. The dentist also reassured me that everything would be okay and that it wasn't a huge amount of dental work.

My issue now is that I'm scared to eat with my fillings. I'm worried about how much wear they can take and whether they'll crack or fall out.

I have my second appointment tomorrow and I am really scared, but feeling hopeful.
 
Appointment day is TODAY! Feeling a bit apprehensive because the sedation clinic didn't get the information that I needed a root canal from the dentist I saw in April, so I'm worried he'll either have to rush over it, or he'll just extract the tooth, which is not what I want - the tooth is still pretty strong and doesn't really hurt, despite having some serious problems.

On the plus side, after how nice they were at the last session, I now feel a lot less scared, and I'm slowly getting used to my fillings. I think in a few weeks I should be able to eat without fear. I hope so!

Last night my anti-psychotics gave me seizures for three hours (just doubled the dose and the side-effects are almost as crazy as I am) and I'm sure I gnashed my teeth at least during some of them, and minced up my tongue pretty badly, but I've been pretty lucky - a slight dull ache in the jaw but no toothache.

Also, because I felt so weak and tired after the seizures, I completely forgot to brush my teeth - I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when the seizures hit me. I think I actually went to bed with my cleanser all over my face, because the pillow was slightly green when I woke up! :)

I feel quite guilty and worried about missing my two minutes but I brushed my teeth especially carefully this morning in the hope of combating any possible damage. And I suppose if anything bad is happening with my teeth, I'm going to the right place to sort it out.

In terms of the fear I'm experiencing, I woke up today in a cold sweat thinking "THE DENTIST! OH NOOOO!" and then another part of my brain went, "So effing what? It's just the dentist!"

Is that progress? Let's see how my appointment goes!
 
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