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How is One Supposed to Separate Your Experiences from Someone Else's?

C

CollegeBound

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 18, 2014
Messages
482
Location
Indiana, USA
Hello!

As many of us know, our imagination can do more harm than good when concerned with our phobia. If we are scared, we tend to imagine the worse-case scenario. Having someone else talk about their awful appointments just adds fuel to the fire.

I experienced this a few weeks ago while on a date with my boyfriend. He had mentioned the morning of our date that he had to go get a few fillings. He texted me while he waited 1.5 hours to be called into the exam room. (Waiting is one of the things I hate about appointments. Adds too much anxiety.) Later that evening, while out to eat, he began talking about his appointment in grave detail. Everything from the cost, to the wait, and all the way until he walked out the door. I was doing okay with his talking for a while, distracted by trying to look at the menu to see what I wanted, until he started talking about getting numb. He then describes how the shot hurt, and how he wasn't quite numb yet when the process started. He said he spent 3 hours in "the chair" and continued to describe the needles and the pain in vivid detail. (Note: Pain and needles are two of my biggest triggers. I still get physically nauseous if I think about it too much.) It got to the point where I said "I'm sorry, but I am trying to figure out what I want. This is a gross conversation for the dinner table. Can we talk about this later this evening?" Gratefully, he stopped and started on a new conversation, and the rest of the date went perfectly.

Although I have had fillings before, and my experience was pretty good minus the anxiety, I still have nightmares about dental related stuff, and I am planning on making an appointment at the beginning of October when my new insurance starts. I still have my boyfriend's story haunting my head, reminding me of what could happen. He has Asperger's, so he is more sensitive to pain than I am, but he is also no wimp. If he says something hurts, I believe him. I just don't want this to keep me from going like most horror tales I have heard in the past have. I have told him in the past that this sort of thing scares me, but I don't know if he remembers me telling him or not, and having to explain it again would be embarrassing.

Any advice on how to separate his experience from me?
 
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Hey CollegeBound,

Sorry to hear you're having difficulty with this! I'm not sure if I know the best way to separate other people's dental experiences from your own, but I know *exactly* what you mean! My family seem to have developed the habit of telling me about their dental appointments a lot!

Something in your post struck me. My sister has Aspergers too (she's fairly far over the spectrum actually, heading into the autistic end of aspergers if you see what I mean). She knows I'm afraid of the dentist and have been going through a difficult time, and her answer to that is to talk to me about dentists all the time! In her own way, she's showing that she cares and is trying to show sympathy/support, this is just her way of doing it…but yes, it can be really unhelpful!

She does it with spiders too - I have a massive spider phobia, and when the two of us were at home together in August (peak spider season) we were going to bed and she said "Come and get me if there's a giant spider in the room, I'll kill it for you! Hopefully there won't be any giant spiders in your room…well…but, with all that rain we had a couple of days ago you never know…" AAAARGH! I know you're trying to be supportive, but *please* just. stop. talking!! :ROFLMAO:

I've also found people somehow more likely to vent to me about dental appointments since I'm "out" as dental phobic - I think everybody finds dentistry quite challenging, even if they are not phobic - but at the same time lots of people think you're not supposed to really so they find it quite a relief to vent to somebody they know will understand. Does that make any sense?



Dealing with it? Gah. I don't know, sorry! Venting on here is a good start though ;D
 
Sorry ahead of time for spelling or grammar errors. I am writing from my iPod at work.

I think that my boyfriend was just talking to vent. He constantly says that he feels safe when he talks to me, and he knows he can talk to me about anything, so he just wanted to tell me about it. I truly think he forgot that I mentioned my issue with this stuff before. I know that if he knew how I feel when the subject of teeth and appointments come up, that he would avoid it. But I love that he feels confident enough to talk to me and let me in that I don't want to ruin that, even if it means a 30 minute conversation about teeth or appointments.

I have found that people with Asperger's don't empathize the same way neurotypicals do. Aside from my boyfriend, I also have a female friend with Asperger's as well, and to listen to their views and their reasonings about the world is truly fascinating.

Does your sister know you dislike talking about dentists and spiders? Have you asked her why she thinks talking about them will help? I don't mean in an angry way, but to see the psychology behind her approach (one of the annoying questions a Psychology major would ask. Lol) Do dentists bother her or not?

Thanks for your help!
 
I think that my boyfriend was just talking to vent. He constantly says that he feels safe when he talks to me, and he knows he can talk to me about anything, so he just wanted to tell me about it. I truly think he forgot that I mentioned my issue with this stuff before. I know that if he knew how I feel when the subject of teeth and appointments come up, that he would avoid it. But I love that he feels confident enough to talk to me and let me in that I don't want to ruin that, even if it means a 30 minute conversation about teeth or appointments.

It's great that he feels confident enough to talk to you about it! You're a safe person to vent to :) But yeah, you may might need to find a compromise of some sort between you so that you can provide mutual support without tripping over each other's issues.


I have found that people with Asperger's don't empathize the same way neurotypicals do. Aside from my boyfriend, I also have a female friend with Asperger's as well, and to listen to their views and their reasonings about the world is truly fascinating.

People on the autistic spectrum certainly view the world from a different angle. I'm not entirely convinced it's a lack of empathy as such although I've often heard it said (depends how you define empathy I suppose). With my sister, she definitely understands, is sympathetic and wants to help…but just isn't quite sure how to go about it. Which is ironic, since the same thing goes both ways sometimes...


Does your sister know you dislike talking about dentists and spiders? Have you asked her why she thinks talking about them will help? I don't mean in an angry way, but to see the psychology behind her approach (one of the annoying questions a Psychology major would ask. Lol) Do dentists bother her or not?

She knows, but only because I clearly explain to her not to talk about it so much and why - she wouldn't come up with that on her own. (I'll say something like "it's better if I don't think about spiders at bedtime because then I won't worry about one jumping out at me!") Happily it doesn't upset her at all, she'll say "oh…yes!" and talk about something else instead. Inevitably at some point later she'll forget and we'll go round the same loop again. It doesn't fit her mental model of how the world works.

Couldn't tell you what her thinking process is there, sorry. I suspect she would have some difficulty understanding the question.

I think she's a bit bothered by the dentist, but at the sort of level everybody is rather than in a phobic way. Her dentist seems really good (she lives in another city, with my parents, so we don't have the same dentist), she's talked about him encouraging her to use a stop signal if she needs a break, and she refers to him by his first name. He does her cleanings himself as she's comfortable with him, rather than sending her off to the hygienist.

…and since this guy came on the scene my Dad has bought an electric toothbrush and I found my Mum flossing the other day (previously unheard of in my parents' household!), so he must be good ;D




It's tempting to think that all people on the autistic spectrum will respond to things the same way, and to assign everything they do/say/think to being on the spectrum, but you'll find a range of personalities just as much as you would with any other group of people. Trying not to fall into that trap myself here!
 
I really like learning about Asperger's and their thinking patterns. There are a lot of interesting articles out there! I do a lot of research and ask them both frequent questions so that I can understand better. I especially research romantic relationship tips between a neurotypical and and person with Asperger's. I have learned a lot of different ways to help my boyfriend, and it brought to light some issues I never realized could be a problem. One of those is learning how to talk about how they really feel instead of being vague. It is something that we can work on together.

I don't think he is a phobic at all. I think that he feels like it is just a part of life, and that is something that we all have to do. I think most of his fears are the social anxiety that is typical with Asperger's. I usually have to take the lead if we are in public, such as reminding him to keep his voice down and pushing our way through crowds effectively ( which is really funny, seeing as that I am only 4'7" and he is about 6'1" Lol). We make it work!

He helps me on my self esteem and learning to give people a chance before I deem them as dishonest or just a typical jerk.

We balance each other :)
 
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