Journey to recovery - all you can imagine

I have to start with saying that this website can take some credits for starting me on a path I am at now. Healing. I have only started to browse through the forum part a few days ago and I thought I would share my journey here. I hope it helps someone in the future

THE PROBLEM

So lets start at the beginning. I have always had a hard time coping with dental visits. And I had a few from a very early age. There wasn't really anything wrong back then, I believe they were just simple check ups at the beginning, what I really didn't like back then was the lack of communication. I don't think at the beginning those child dentists were rude or painful, I just simply didn't fell secure and had no idea what was going on.

Later on during elementary school my dad brought me with every baby teeth to the dentist. They would not fall out, we would go once they were loose to get them pulled. And I really really really hated that process. Hated the place, hated the doctor. So I think my general discomfort with dentists started back then.

After that era came the braces era. I never had an social problem with wearing braces. But I started to develop a real scare going to the dentist. Lack of communication was again a problem. Dentist who were patronising was another problem. And them not listening to me was irritating. One of my deepest fears from that time was that when they took samples from my teeth, that my teeth would get stuck in the mould form(? - not sure if this is the right term) and be pulled out. This whole era lasted for years. We moved a lot also, so I ended up with 3-4 different doctors taking care of my braces. The whole procedure ended with one doctor who was kind to notify me that I had kept my braces on too long and they should have been removed about 6 month prior to my visit. By that time having the occasional nightmares of my teeth falling out became regular.

Having my braces removed was an important point. I think it was a bit more then 10 years ago. That was the first time the dentist mentioned that I have decays and a cavity. To be honest I was really pissed back then. For having the braces on too long, for having enough of dental appointments, for the braces not having any super visual effect anyway and for the braces basically destroying my teeth. When they took them down I had decays and plaque all over. I didn't like my dentist back then. She was extremely patronising. I also had an issue with my parents being angry and patronising whenever I had some health issue. So I would rather not tell them then going through the whole blaming me for being stupid conversations. So I haven't seen a dentist after that for many years. With the decays remaining.

Then the whole wisdom teeth era came. Basically my mouth structure is too small for all the teeth. Plus they were shuffled around with the braces making even less space. Funnily when they started coming out they pushed back on the line I think that was shoved backwards with the braces. So it began. Almost 10 years of me feeling my teeth relocating in my mouth.
Back then we knew a lady who was supplying high end dental equipment so we asked her help and she recommended the best dental surgeon in the country. Private practice and everything. So we went. And he was terrible!!!!! He did give me a correct diagnosis of having cavities, having all my 4 wisdom teeth growing underneath the healthy teeth etc And he pulled one of them out. If I remember correctly I had a root canal maybe then and maybe one filling. First the guy shocked me. He was rude, arrogant, patronising and old! Looking back now I also think he did a very bad job. It was a horrible and embarrassing experience. I wasnt even treated as a human being. So thats when I had enough.

Obviously the cavities didn't. I have witnessed in the past few year a spectrum of dental problems. But I was so horrified to ask for help - no one ever really paid attention to what I wanted anyway. Plus after 18 my parents couldn't really drag me to the dentist anyway. Then some years ago my mom had to go through some serious teeth replacement process. I realised back then that there is also a genetical thing going on in my family and bad teeth. But the whole process seemed so emotionally complicated and soooo expensive that I decided once again not to mention my own problems. And it turned out that our fancy private doctor eventually didn't do such a good job anyway. So I kind of gave up hope.
Meanwhile ironically I thought bad teeth are way more painful and complicated. I never really had any stronger pain that 2 Advils couldn't solve, no swelling etc. I just really couldn't take care of my teeth. Even if I tried they were decaying way faster. So after a while I totally gave up. I did also loose so 4 of my teeth, the top just fell off. I didn't even feel a thing. It even stopped being scary after the second time. I learned to adjust eating and chewing habits etc. But every time I though if going to the dentist I would get panic attacks. I would get sleepless night. Sometimes from the idea of going to the dentist, sometimes from the prospect of how far this situation could go.

Emotionally it was hard as well. I work in an industry based on beauty, I work with people every day, I have to speak to people. So I started to smile less, tried to be aware of how I talk so they don't notice my teeth. I never used lipstick in my life as I knew it would draw attention. I became less and less confident.
I also learned to live with a variety of pain. My teeth never hurt like crazy. But they did hurt in many different ways. I have also constant headaches. Which I am used to now, but sometimes it can effect life, work, concentration.

I have also gotten into a good university, moved to the UK, started to work. And had no idea how to take out time and disappear for a few weeks to deal with my teeth. And on what cost?

START TO RECOVERY

I have realised that the decays on my front teeth are getting worse. That most of my back teeth are gone and I got a huge scare what will happen further. So I started researching on solutions. I came across a few websites including this one that described all my feelings as dental phobia. I have learnt that I am not alone with this fear and how it is more then the "oh you are just scared to go to the doctor, no one likes to go to the dentist, get over yourself" comments.

I have also discovered GA. I think I was actually watching Bad Bosses where I realised that in movies dentists put their patience to sleep. A whole new world opened for me, and hope started to surface. I knew by then that I could handle pain. I am used to pain by now. But being aware, being awake and my mind being active during dental visit. That freaked me out. The problem was that in my home country I have never heard of GA during dental appointment not have anyone I know heard of it. Its quiet rare. In the UK it was out of the question to go to a dentist and especially to go to a private dentist.

So the research began. Faith managed to get me some time off between jobs so I could come home my parents also told me that they can provide financial help if I want to go to the dentist. So I looked around and found a private practice with GA. They also came recommended from a friend who has similar problems. So it took me 2 months to gather my strengths and pick up the phone and make an appointment. Now or never.

FIRST DENTAL APPOINTMENT


I went with huge amount of scare, fear and emberassment. I felt like I knew very well what was in my mouth. It was a secret, it was my burden, it was private. And there I was walking in to this fancy practice, with those nice people and their beautiful teeth. All the bad experiences and judgments came up.
They made a 360 scan. I haven't even looked till today. I don't need a reminder of how bad it is. I went into the room literally apologising for what they are about to witness. I was shaking from fear. They told me to sit down, be calm it will be ok. There were two very lovely assistants trying to calm me down. By the time the doctor came in they told him how scared I was. So he examined me. I started the shaking again and the crying. Especially when he started the diagnosis, counting together how much extractions he is planning. All I could whisper was ... I would really like to get this done under anesthesia. So he replied, sure we can do that. But it is not done in the practice, they will bring me to a private hospital and do a full on surgery as he is never taking the risk to do anesthesia under the wrong circumstances.

I totally blanked out. I barely remember anything he said, but he made a plan, we made an appointment for the surgery. But honestly I was super excited when I came away. Although it took me 2 days to recover from the experience. The assistants the doctor, everyone was super nice and kind. My research said that this clinic was highly recommended for people with dental phobia. But I wish all doctors were like these guys. Before really poking around in my mouth they gave me time to explain my fears, they comforted me, listened to me. Didnt judge at all. I felt comfortable and most importantly I started to trust them. Also doctor is super handsome. So ....

Right now it looks like I will need 8 extractions under GA. I will need maybe the same amount fillings/some of it root canals. And after the extractions have healed I would need teeth replacement.

FIRST 3 DENTAL APPOINTMENTS
I am very happy to say by now I have been there 3 times already.

First time they just removed the plaque. After that I had a week of horrible pain. Something that was stronger then ever before. Might have been emotional that some of my decaying teeth just got relieved that now I am on the way to recovery and I don't have to pretend anymore. So I asked them to get some fillings.

Went back the second time, which turned into a hilarious experience. My lead doctor wasn't there as he doesnt do simple fillings only complicated stuff. So as it turns out the fillings doctor is a lady literally my age - I am 28. The assistant is also around that age. So I was amused at first but then really relaxed by the fact that they were so young. My filling doctor is super energetic and maximalist so I felt in really good hands. She filled in 2 teeth, she started to work on some of my front teeth that have decays but no cavities. So she saved now 2 out of the 4 in question. And it really amused me how excited she was for filling front teeth - stating she loved to do them especially mixing out the colours. Looking at them now, she made an amazing job and I am super proud of my 2 new, now healed babies.

So all in all so far everything is going well. I know how much overcoming my fear these doctors helped me.
But the hardest is still yet to come. I am scheduled for next week 2 more smaller fillings, and trying to save a no4 who is in a very bad shape

Having a really bad panic day today about dental stuff. One week to go to the surgery. But I am mostly scared what comes after.

I know I am going tomorrow to the dentist and I will talk stuff through with him. But it doesn't stop me from being really scared from all the options. Even if I know that it will get only better.

On all 4 sides they will extract most of my molars and all wisdom teeth.I am already missing some of my pre-molars as they broke off. So i know and I have this terrible image of basically how much less teeth I will have. Half of the remaining ones already have fillings. Or are in the front. Which gets me very worried how I will get these replaced. If I get bridge... I would technically need to damage a few of the already very few healthy ones left. I don't even know if the ones that have filling could be used for something like that.
But then I am so afraid of implants. What if they don't work out? All that healing time etc just makes my life so much more complicated, I am loosing money with not being able to get back to work, the longer it takes..... the worse it gets.. Also just the sheet idea of drilling into my bones??????

I know in my head that my doc will know what the right choice is or I do trust him on it. I am just extremely scared and worried about either options.

Such a good day after yesterdays freak out

I was very worried for my little tooth, the one that was questionable. It had a huge hole in the middle and I knew that it could break off any day now, and it could go into the another tooth lost category. So we started with getting a root canal, full clean thing on that tooth to get a better look how much can be saved. First root canal ever and it was surprisingly OK. I got two injections and felt nothing at all. Especially pain wise. It was very weird that I "felt" almost every movement of the root canal cleaning. It is something that used to freak me out much more. But I guess I have already experienced a few scary events in my mouth so now I could tell myself it is OK because the doc is doing it. It is planned, this is how it should go. Also I enjoy it a lot how much my doc is doing her best and really consciously caring.
Ah and they did this weird thing where they had to cut back on my gum. I got a laugh attack when I first heard it because it sounds badshit crazy. I think they burn some of the gum down with electricity or something. Sounds horrific but I have not sensed or felt a thing.

Then they finished my 2 semi front teeth so now I have a full stain free and natural white smile which is such a good feeling

Ah I need to give extra credit to all my docs. Because every time I go they make me feel extremely comfortable and I can sense how much they have empathy for their patients. Which is sooo important and helps to deal with all my fears. Finally I don't feel like a prop in a chair. On the contrary they make me feel that they know I am a person attached to those teeth. My lead doctor already mentioned today that compared to my initial breakdown and my crying when I went in I am doing so well

So going back next week again to keep working on the root canal and build back a teeth. Right now there is only 30% left plus the roots. And then next Wednesday there is the surgery...... Still a bit worried.

Also my dad came by to talk to the doc. Which was irritating but necessary as he is the one who pays but also his behaviour is partially the reason why I am where I am. He immediately was like "I wonder if we should rethink the IV sedation, it is just extractions. It will be yes bit uncomfortable but that ok" No dad, 8-9 extractions are not just uncomfortable. Not for me not in my mind not in my body.

Anyhow now I am at home and observing for the next few days how the root canal is behaving itself.

Soo, one more treatment down Still working on the very ill little tooth in the front. Today they made the root canal filling. Now I will have a little break in this treatment as the extraction surgery is coming up tomorrow, and I wont be able to have any other treatments for 1-2 weeks afterwards. To give time for my gums and mouth to heal.

Hah today was mote neutral then any other appointments before. The usual assistant wasn't there either I really missed her I had some time to think and contemplate. The treatment had to start with a painkiller free check up on the root if there is any nerve left and one of the canals was hard to access last time. So the beginning of the treatment had some pain. And that kept me thinking on pain in general. I think by now I have a high tolerance level for pain in my mouth. Basically for the past 10 years I have always had something. Either my teeth moving around under the braces, or either my teeth slowly dying in my mouth. So I was reflecting on the level and variety of stuff I can separate as pain. So the beginning of the treatment hurt but again it hurt for a few seconds and she kept apologising and I wanted to explain to her that I can tolerate this pain because i have felt this pain many times but then for hours every day for weeks and months on. So for anyone with severe teeth issues who are afraid of experiencing pain during a dentist visit remember that fillings and root canals will never get as bad as the stuff you are living with every day.

I was also thinking about awareness and self awareness. I am very very conscious on what is going on in my body, and I like to examine how I react to things. So I always had this problem with dental visit as knowing and not knowing both freaked me out. Knowing too much can be gross and freak you out during the procedure. No I dont want to know what thin sharp weird object you are putting where. But equally I would panic from all the not knowing hold on what is actually happening where is your hand which tooth whats going on - type of thought. For now I am trying to keep a balance and listening to what they talk about both entertains and worries me. But what I have learnt is so important to know about yourself so you can communicate back to the doctor what you feel and what you like or dislike. With each visit I keep learning stuff about myself during the procedure, where I have bad reactions to objects in my mouth what I am OK or not OK with. And I think it is really important to voice your concerns.

So tomorrow is The Surgery. I am bit nervous about the aftermath. How it will be waking up, what I will feel the hours after, the day after, the week after. How I will be able to adjust back to normal life. How long this thing will keep dragging on. If I have to go back to work what will be ready what not.

Hey Scarlett, thanks for sharing - I'm in a very similar situation (I just had my last visit today, on my way to healing and dealing with my fears)

I'm following your progress and you seem to be doing great for yourself, congrats!

Good luck with the surgery, everything will be fine! *sending positive energy*

THE SURGERY

It is still so hard believe I am over the worst and I got rid off al the bad things on my mouth. Freedom and recovery.

So the surgery was actually fun. We had to go to another city so my whole family came with me and we stayed overnight. I was scheduled for 5pm, surgery lasted 2 hours, plus 2 hours recovery time. As it became so late we decided on staying the night.
I got a thee whee bit nervous beforehand. A bit panicky about 10 minutes before, just realising how much stuff they will do but then I thought to myself I will be asleep so there is nothing to worry about. I also was a bit worried because anaesthesia is a complicated thing and lots can go wrong. So I was guided into the surgery room which looked so nice and fancy like a Grey's Anatomy set. Then the anaesthesia doc prepare the IV on my hand. He said something along the lines that he is giving me some medicine now that will make my head feel funny. I started to reply 'Oh I look quiet forward to that. My head never gets funny. Alcohol and drugs don't have any effect on me' Then I though how awkward that sounds and tried to explain to him how I never did drugs I might not know what the effect is. Not quiet sure if I ever manage to even say this stuff. Next thing I know I am dreaming - don't remember what - and the second next thing I know is that I am in a new room waking up.
So I carefully examined my mouth and all the bad teeth were done Which made me really happy because it meant they could get anything without complications. I also felt the stitches. Made me even happier as I read stories here when docs don't do stitches and I was worried about that. So then people, nurses, the doc, my parents started to come in and go. I was bit delirious so I just wanted to talk to all of them. They told me to sleep and rest. But funnily I was in a very deep sleep prior so I felt very awake and just wanted to talk to people.

So then finally they told me a few stuff. Apparently when I woke up I started to talk in English (English is not my first language) so the doctors were very amused by that. Then turns out there was a cyst above one of my teeth very close to my sinuses. So now I am not allowed to sneeze or blow my nose till I get tot he check up on Monday. Which to be honest is way worse now then anything else related to the surgery. It is allergy season and I am slightly allergic to stuff plus dust as well. So now I am spending most of my time locked away in my room trying not to sneeze...

Other then that all is fine. Doc said my face will be swollen but it hasn't happened yet. Only a slight little bump by one of my wisdom teeth extractions. Nothing is really hurting and this is day 2 already. My gums are a bit uncomfortable and I cant really open my mouth too wide. My throat was hurting for a day because I didnt really swallow on my first night and it got irritated.

I am taking antibiotics. For a few days. First time in my life. I really hate antibiotics, so this is bad news for me but I will survive. In the end I had 9 extractions so my body needs some heavy duty meds against possible infections. Duh. I am also armed with loads of supplements, vitamins, and homeopathic medicines - the later has stopped the bleeding in my gums.

Eating is also fun. I know a lot of people get upset that they have to eat soft stuff and soup. I love smoothies and juices so it is a good discipline now to get them back in my daily routine.

Deleted member 21445 said:

Hey Scarlett, thanks for sharing - I'm in a very similar situation (I just had my last visit today, on my way to healing and dealing with my fears)

I'm following your progress and you seem to be doing great for yourself, congrats!

Good luck with the surgery, everything will be fine! *sending positive energy*

Roberht

Click to expand...

Hi Rob ,

Thank you for the positive vibes! I think they arrived. I have been also lurking around in your topic, so it is very nice to hear from you

Went back for a check up today

Ah I love my doctors. Their clinic is like heaven srsly. It is nothing special but everybody is so nice. I turned up to the appointment with my dad and basically all the staff that was there came out and asked me how the surgery went and they seemed genuinely worried and then happy for me. Their whole attitude helps sooo much with the fear and anxiety. They really love what they do, they genuinely care for their patients.

Anyhow doc checked me. All is good, he took out most of the stitches and examined my sinus. Thankfully it seems there is no whole between my sinus and my mouth so I should be bale to blow my nose again. Yikes.

So I am going back tomorrow and next week to keep working on the remaining smaller cavities and figure out how they will do the crown to my root canal tooth.

I was updated that I would wait about 2 month to keep my mouth plenty of time to heal. Then we do a CT scan to see how my bones are doing and then we will decide most probably on implants and maybe a bridge. We shall see.

And to anyone who is reading this and is scared to take the first step. Today in like forever I didn't feel my mouth. I know it is a strange thing to write. But with all the bad teeth and the wisdom teeth there was always a constant feeling of something in my mouth. Like my jaw, my bones, everything felt heavy. Even at times when it didn't hurt. And today nothing. Absolutely unaware that my mouth even exists. It is such a good feeling!!!!

Another two fillings done today. These are just minor superficial cavities so we do 2 or 3 in one sitting. Today we did two tooth. I wanted to reflect here on something. I got two injections for one of the teeth but none for the other one. At first I thought because she will do one first then the next. But then the doc decided to do them simultaneously. Which is also fine. So she warned me that there is no injection so if I feel anything I should let her know, but theoretically i shouldn't. So eventually she did one of the tooth fillings without injection and I didn't feel a single thing. Also I really love her work I tried to find later with my tongue where the hole was but I couldn't.
And this was such a fun visit too. The doc and the assistant kept talking about some random and funny things. We even had to stop once as all 3 of us had to laugh. It brightened my mood so much and took my mind off what they were doing. I usually close my eyes and try to shut out my surrounding. I honestly don't care what stuff they use or do. They have the medical degree not me. But listening to them talk kind of takes my mind off things.
Going back in a week so we can finally continue working on that crown.

Just came home from a very tiring and looong appointment.

First there was a new receptionist who was soo unimpressed with the world. Also the practice became more busy. I guess people are back from summer etc and I usually go in the morning, now it was late afternoon/evening spot.

Then there was a new room, although I have been in there before. From what I see there is my lead Doc who owns the place, there is also another senior doc (senior, they both are around 35ish) and then there is my Miss Doc who is a 2nd year resident so she is very junior, hence us being sent to the other room. Anyhow I don't mind the new room, it has a nice pink colour There was also a new assistant. The assistant I started with has left, which makes me really sad as I really liked her and bonded with her and she has seen everything from the start. She knew exactly where to place the saliva ejector, and she already had everything my doc asked for at hand. Sometimes I get my lead Doc's assistant who was there at my first break down so she is always uber nice to me, plus she is very experienced. But this poor new girl is very new. I guess this is her first few days, so she was shy and wanted to really please my doc and obviously had no idea what was going on with me. But hey its her first time.

So I started my appointment with some questions about my recovery. I have discovered that there is a gap still after one of my wisdom tooth sites and its quiet big and I can see the bone or whatever I see and this to be honest totally freaked me out the past few days. It is not a dry socket I don't feel anything and I am 2 weeks post surgery and if some food bits get in there no matter how much I rinse it doesn't come out. So that plus the sheer fact of being able to see my boneee really freaked me out. But I was comforted that it is just healing slower. There was a similar gap with the wisdom tooth above but it closed in the past 2 days. So lets wait and see. Also they took out the remaining stitches and said my gums are healing fine.
Then we wanted to go ahead with the fillings. We eyed out two teeth where I could also sense with my tongue something was not ok and the plan was to do those two in 2 hours.

So I got all the injections - love her technique I didn't feel a single thing and she is not using any numbing thing on my gums before the injections and we started with the upper left no2 (the one next to the wisdom tooth). It was first of all a complicated spot, the furthest spot in my mouth and I have already reached my limits of opening up and she kept asking for more so I really did try my best. But my mouth is small and my jaw is borderline to popping out. So I was really stressed about that. Also so many instruments and my tongue in my mouth. And the new assistant kept insisting on holding the suction thing around my mouth which wasa bit irritating. I know the spots where they can just "hang it" so it doesn't bother my tongue and I dont get a gag reflex. It was tiring. And then she was drilling for like an hour. And I could feel she is not happy. She then told the assistant 'It normally doesn't take me this long'. So I knew there was something up. Then she told me that the teeth was extremely decaying and so soft that she could still drill and drill and already so much of my tooth is gone she is very surprised. The Xray didn't indicate this, it didn't look anything like it so she will only deal with this tooth now and she has to come up with something. So she will talk to the other doc. Then she went to the other room and I had some rest.

She came back and soon after the other doc followed. She explained to him that there is a line near the gum that looks rotten too and she is just worried how far along she can actually go. Then the other doc leaned over he was funny as he was first 'Hey, may I take a look?' I was kind of surprised ' Yeah sure' I mumbled. He was asked in for a consult of course he can but it was nice that he asked. So he told her how to drill more down. And they agreed to do an inlay/onlay thing with it later. So she kept drilling. She was also worried and waiting for the lead Doc to come in. By this time I think we already hit 1.5 hours. And the parts she was drilling got really really sensitive and once it hurt a bit. So she stopped. I had a really hard time keeping my mouth open and could absolutely not control my tongue. It just went everywhere I didn't want it to go. So I started to slightly open up wider and my eyelids opened a bit as well (I usually keep them closed). At some point my doc stopped and asked if I was okey or uncomfortable as my eyes look funny. I was like, nah I am fine I am just trying to really open my mouth

Then the other doc came back and gave a second opinion that he think she has gotten all of the bad parts. So she continued with this clamp stuff they put around the tooth when they start with the filling material. And it didn't fit. Then she tried again and it didn't fit. She said there is barely any edge of the tooth left that she can clamp it to. So the other doc came back in. He tried as well. It didn't fit. It started to get really really uncomfortable on my gums as they for pressing and pulling. Then he goes 'I guess this is very uncomfortable?' Me 'Uhmhmum' He 'Well at least you can blame me for it and not her' Hahah I love a bit of humour I didn't even notice how uncomfortable it was. At this point my main Doc magically arrived. I had a very ironic view, being laid all the way back I just saw him partially and upside down. So he came in, he was told that 2 other docs didn't have any luck with the clamp. He started to joke around how I have 3 docs with me in the room and none of them can put on a clamp - which in Hungarian are called stickers - and how a child could easily put stickers on anything. He sat down, took on the gloves and told my Miss doc 'In this case you should always try this angle' and shush the clamp was steady on my tooth within a sec.And I was just like... okey this doc will be doing my implants I am all set and not worried anymore.
Then they filled him in what was going on with my misbehaving tooth. And he stayed on sort of assisting my Miss Doc for the rest of the procedure. Then they sealed my tooth but not all the way because I have no opposing teeth that I could chew on anyway. So apparently now this will take a whole month. We are waiting 2-3 weeks to see if I feel any pain or sensitivity. If I feel cold then we are good. And they will do a vitality test anyway. But if it gets painful then it is infected and they would need a root canal. So they didn't put any temp crown or anything on the tooth, so they wouldn't need to get more complicated in case of the rootcanal. I really appreciate this approach. Then they will make an impression (ok this freaks me out a LOT) and then a weeks later my inlay/onlay will come from the lab. And I can has a nice new tooth.

The last few minutes were so nice, my doc was just hanging around making sure I was okey and healing well after the surgery and just genuinely being super nice - me being the complicated case I think in the whole practice right now. But I really liked all the honest caring.

Going back for more work on Tuesday. Duh I am a bit disappointed they can only fit me in once a week. I really wanted to go twice a week. Just get as much over with as possible. But at least we pass the time till my CT check up.

Another Tuesday, another appointment down. I was a bit worried that one of my tooth will turn out as complicated as the other one last time. But thankfully nothing happened

2 hours, 2 more teeth filled. The more experienced assistant was back as well. She is so sweet, she would stroke my cheeks or my hair once in a while and ask me how I was doing. Not that I was stressed or worried, just out of kindness. She also said that my gums are healing very nicely and became nice and pink, compared to the dark red as they were when I went in the first time.

There was a lady in the other room getting an implant. Apparently her previous one that was prepared for her somewhere else failed and now she came to see my doc to fix it. Implants still worry me, but I have to trust my doc on this. I also met her after my appointment and she was alive and walking and not in pain so that is comforting.

I keep noticing a few things. If we work on the upper teeth then the saliva suction can just hang on the side of my mouth. When we work on the lower side - we just started working there -then they have to put it around/below my tongue which I really really don't like. But to be honest thats the most uncomfortable part, so I can happily survive it. Also if we work in the front parts of my mouth, the chair is more upwards, if we work further in the back, then the chair is almost all the way down. I don't mind either because my eyes are closed so both ways I just feel that I am sleeping. But the chair position really makes sense this way, for better access.

Got two of my lower pre-molars filled. One was a bit more complicated because it didn't have any molars next to it. I even said to my doctor that at least this way she has better access. Turn out the absent of the molar just made it more complicated. The other pre-molar was quicker. And eventually turn out extremely beautiful. I had to check it in the mirror right there because my doc got very excited about it, and it looks really really nice. To be honest it looks like a tooth that was never filled.


So I am due back next week for 2 more lower molar fillings. One of them has a white but damn ugly filling in it. Never really liked the filling or the rude doc who did it. Now there is obviously sign of decay on the tooth and around the edges of the filling. So that needs to be changed. But it will be as nice as the premolar, it will make me very happy happy. But we have to be careful because it might need an inlay as well. We shall see.

I am quiet happy today. We are on speed with these fillings. Soon there will be nothing left to fill. Then I can get my crown, my onlay. And onwards to implants. It is just such a good feeling to know how far I have come. I shall have everything ready and brand new, healthy teeth for the next year. After 10 years of misery and fear.

Another appointment down. I had to wait for over a week, it was a long wait... When I sat in the chair I almost couldn't remember how to open my mouth haha.

The slightly unpleasant receptionist was there again. She is totally fine, but just something bugs me. Everyone else there knows how often I come, whats up with my case, with her it feels like she barely remembers me. I also had to wait almost an hour because they were running behind. I really didn't mind. There was something with the woman before me and I knew it easily could be me - hence we usually book 2 hour long sessions. The view from the office is beautiful so I kept busy with that.Then I decided to go ahead and try to book my appointments for the next 2 weeks. So I went to the receptionist and asked her to see when I could come next week. 'Oh love I don't think there is anything available next week' I got so angry... every week they tell em I can only book for the next week and then it gets filled up?! So I told her how my doc specifically said I should get as much done as possible and come often. So she found one for Thursday.

Then I go in. My lady doc, bless her I think she was already a bit tired. But she became more talkative and fun. So we joked around a bit. I asked her to check a spot on one of my tooth because I kept panicking that I felt something out of the ordinary, she checked and thankfully I was just overthinking. Then she said she will give me the injection and it is a hard area so she will try her best and will give me two, to be sure. She gave me the injections. I told her how much I appreciate it that I can barely or even not feel her injections at all. She was giggling and told me how much she dislikes getting injections herself. Then we somehow ended up discussing how both of us hate to vomit. Yeah weird conversations while I was trying to get numb. She asked if it was working but I wasn't quiet sure . Sometimes I just don't feel how numb I got because I am numb. If this makes sense. So yesterdays menu was replacing a filling. So she started to drill. And after a few minutes she reached an are where is started to hurt. I told her and she gave me another injection. After about 10 minutes.... till 2 hours later I could barely feel my face Loads of injections....
The replacement was rather uneventful. Basically it went the same way as a normal filling. She driled out the old filling, then made the new filling. Then the filling material got stuck with the clamp But the more experienced assistant popped in and gave her a fancy tool that she could cut it off with.
And that was it.... We tried again a bite check. But as my teeth don't oppose each other we couldn't really do it. Plus I was so numb I didn't even feel where anything was on the right side of my mouth haha. So while I was waiting a bit I touched my new filling with my finger and OMG am I in love. I even went back to tell her how cool it is. One day I will show before and after pictures here when I have them. But my old filling was this really really strong white, sort of flat. Ugly. I mean it was functional, it lasted for some time, never really bothered me in chewing or anything else. But what she did is something else. Its like I got my pre-filling tooth back. It has layers in it, it looks like a real tooth, the colour is a perfect match, its like the tooth never had a filling ever.

Anyhow afterwards it turned out that the receptionist did find another time for me to go in next week. SO I got really excited I can go 2 times in a week. Tuesday and Thursday. This morning she called me and said she made a mistake and the Thursday appointment was already given to someone else. I don't like her.... But she won't be there on Tuesday.

Also.... ah I keep noticing this thing. Been noticing it for the past 2 months now. My jaw gets really weird because I can't really close my mouth. I cant rest my upper set of teeth on my lower set of teeth because they are missing on either side. And because I have most of the teeth on my lower right side my jaw kind of shifts itself a bit to the front and bit to the right to make up for my here and there missing teeth. It is not like I am grinding them, but I am forcefully pressing them. It was way worse before the surgery. It usually also happens at night while I am unconscious and I would wake up and fear that I am hurting my teeth, or that I am biting down on some of the permanent fillings. Most of the time it is just fear waking me up. But I really dislike this worry. I know it will be over in a few months, but it is irritating.

It seems I have come to the end of all the fillings. Finished the last one today. Thankfully it went pretty uneventful. Had my fav team, my miss doc and my fav assistant and the nice receptionist lady. And we were in the really nice room, that has a wonderful view onto the river and the city.
Turns out my doc is like 4 years younger then me. I know a lot of people have younger dentist, but I am 28 and she is 24. In this age range a younger dentist is not that common.

So next time I go we will check up on the two remaining teeth, the one for the inlay/onlay and the other one for the crown.

Oh god....

So I got a job for about a month which is good news but now my time totally is unpredictable I often don't know how my day will turn out till the previous day and it is almost impossible to get dental appointments this way.

And then there was yesterday.

It all started overnight. I heard this weird sound, like a crash, not to loud but sort of felt like coming inside of my mouth. I didn't wake up to it, but I realised that I have heard it. Right after I had this extremely weird dream. I was in a dental office. Fairly new clinic, fairly good doctor. I had to go there for an emergency visit. The colour of the wall was strange, the building was fairly abandoned but posh. And there were no windows. The doc examined me and said a new diagnosis to one of my teeth. And i was just like.... 'Nah... thank you but I rather not go ahead with the procedure I wan't to go and see my regular doctor. Only he can treat me' So I took off.

Then in the morning I felt something strange with one of my work in progress tooth. It is the one that had a root canal, and had about 20% of the tooth left above the gum line. And also had a temporary filling, soemthign that closes off the root and keeps support for that remaining 20% which was basically the inner wall of the tooth. So what I kept feeling with my tongue was a crack line by the gum in that remaining wall bit. Meaning that it has literally broken down. Most probably because I was grinding or biting down on it in my sleep.


I was really really devastated yesterday. Still depressed today. Slowly first that little bit fell off, and then soon after the temp filling as well. Now I am worried to death. I am worried because of the tooth-root is exposed without the filling. Also worried what will happen to the tooth now? The plan was to use that little 20% left and build up a new tooth, crown etc next to it. But now that even the remaining part of the tooth is gone, what can be done? If nothing will i loose the tooth? If yes that would mean an extraction that fucking freaks me out.... and I cant afford another anesthetic extraction, meaning I would have to do it while awake...
Also it would mean one more implant.


On top of that I still have to figure out how to get to my doctor this week.

Yay my boss was OK with me leaving an hour early so I made it to the doctor.

Also my doc was very chilled about the tooth part break off, she examined me, just to be sure asked for a consult and said we can simply just go ahead of building up the tooth. She said it would have been slightly easier with the remaining bit but absolutely not a problem to go ahead.

So there was some drilling at first and then a technically complex procedure of making a fake tooth part that is partly in my remaining root and partly sticking out - which will support the crown.
I felt some slight pain weirdly. Not from the tooth but sort of coming from somewhere in my head. I assume this to be side effect of opening my mouth and the drilling. It went away really quickly.

So I am super happy that nothing bad happened ultimately to the tooth and we could continue. I also felt a bit sad because I haven't been in like 2 weeks or so and it feels like it has been years and I just missed the regularity and the speed we could work with.

I can hopefully make it to next weeks appointment especially that I need some consult with my lead doctor on the further plans, the new crown and the implants.

Another appointment down. Technically it was an easy appointment but emotionally it was quiet hard.
We have adjusted the base for the crown, measured it and took impressions.

The base adjustment was totally fine I couldn't feel a thing near the tooth I wouldn't even have notice that there was anything going on in my mouth were it not for the suction thingie They have a bigger suction thing not the hook they put in your mouth and the bottom of it kept touching my tongue and every time it happened I got a horrible gag reflex. So I tried to pull back my tongue which causes even more gag reflex. It was really uncomfortable and got into a little fight over it with the assistant. Not cool.

Then they had these dental gingival retraction cord they had to put into my gums so they can measure more precisely where the outline of my tooth would be for the crown. They took pro pictures of it it looked really cool, haha. It hurt kind of. Not to bad plus funny thing with pain is that I know logically this could hurt and the pain is not because anything is wrong it is simply because there is something in my gums so it really didn't bother me. Pain where I don't know what the cause is or that point to danger or pain is way scarier. Here I knew it will go away in 15 minutes so who cares.

Then came the impressions. We did 3. One on the bottom, one on the top and one for the bite. The bottom one was really really really scary. I even started crying. Because they had to push it down and I got really panicked about my jaw popping out.
For the top one they gave me that thingie you have to smell and it takes away the gagging and that really helped. After a few big breath ins I was totally calm and fine.

Good news is that when I go in 2 weeks my totally new, ceramic crown will be ready My first actual teeth replacement so to say.
So I have popped the question of tooth colour. I know it is an aesthetic issue but I kind of look at it as a reward to go through so much. Also I started this as a whole rebirth so I can get nice new teeth where I am happy and comfortable to smile and put on lipstick etc. Right now my teeth look healthy. They are clean but have an off-white yellowish hue. No matter how much I wash it or anything. And especially lipstick makes it look even more yellow. I don't want to spend a whole lifetime going without lipstick or being afraid to really smile on pictures. Anyhow my lady doc was a bit annoyed probably because she already did 2 aesthetic fillings that are now on a set colour. But I told her I would rather deal now with 2-4 colour changes or veneers then in 5-10 year with 14 new veneers. As I am getting 1 crown and 1-2 implants in the smile region. And I don't want a crazy fake white colour change, just something a bit more lighter. So they measured the crown colour now to be a bit whiter and we will do the whitening later to match it. I am really not bothered to go around with a slightly whiter crown for a few months... i have been walking around with a missing tooth on that spot for a few months.

I am so happy today After about 3 months of starting my journey here I am with my first new tooth.

So I went to the dentist today and got my brand new crown, like a true princess haha.

So about the process. As soon as I went in my doc had my impression there with my little crown on its to be place. It looked so cute. Love at first sight. She showed it to me, then explained the process in details. She said I won't get any injections but novocaine on my gums to make them a bit less sensitive - note that this tooth already had a root canal so it shouldn't feel anything anyway. Then she took a semi glue thing that was not strong at all, and just put the crown to its place and we checked if the bite was ok. After that they prepped the glue material and simply pushed on the crown to the rest of the tooth. Held it there for a while, took out the light to make the glue stick, also adjusted the edges with floss, to make sure there is enough gap, and the glue doesn't stick where it should not. It was a bit uncomfortable mostly on my gums. But it happen all so fast, a few blinks and tadaaa the tooth was on. Then I hed a loooooong conversation with me dentist about how to continue because with my new job my time is majorly limited and I wont be able to go to the dentist at all between January and May. So we need to get the implants in before that to give them enough time to heal (3 months) before we put on the crowns on the implants.

After that we still had some time so we quickly prepped the tooth in the back for the onlay. My dock also had pretty much the same onlay around for another patient coming in today and showed it to me saying how she likes to show patients how their onlays will look like if she has something similar around. It looks as beautiful as my little crown so I cant wait to have that one next week.

I also had a small chat with the hygienist she said my lead doc is basiclly crazy excited when he can do implants and the whole process is quiet quick - I think I will go in get the impalnts and then head to work. So I was worried how much time it takes. But just hearing how much my doc loves doing implants is comforting
She also said how much she can see in my mouth that the butchers who did my braces really fucked up both my bite and the whole braces process. I told her that I am unfortunately highly aware - to be honest with a grown up head i am pretty pissed how much i was just dragged to those appointments as a puppet and never had the chance to understand and be involved etc.

And on a final note my new crown has a lighter shade. Not too visible and it is not a suuuper white white. It is only about a shade lighter. When all the rest of my teeth will be the same shade with a bit more white tint all over, the overall picture will look more natural white-ish then the current natural yellowish.I am really looking forward to having nice teeth I can feel comfortable with

Oh god, I missed out to write about an appointment Oooopppss.....

It was a funny appointment though haha. I went in for impression which I really hate....eh. But by now I am automatically given that smelly stuff which is supposed to be super disgusting smell but I really love it!! Even my doc asked if I honestly like it that much because I kept sniffing on it even after we have done the impressions. It was also cute because my doc said that she really hates that smell as they used to use that for root canals and extractions. And she really didn't like her wisdom teeth getting extracted and she still ahs 2 more to go. And she is not thrilled about it. It was kind of cool to hear that doctors are humans as well.

At some point we were discussing with my lady doc about the colour of my teeth and the structure of my smile - because for me only the first 5 of my teeth on either side are visible, but 5 is already under shadow. So we got into this almost technical conversation when my lead doc walked in and he was just bit confused So I asked him if I could get a cheap diploma, to say I have completed a crash curse in dentistry just simply because I am spending about 8-9 months experiencing all kinds of dental procedures.


And then I had some time to chat with my lead doc and he said he can totally do the implants in december, so by Christmas I will have the screws in. And that fits me perfect time wise. ))) wohoo

So second appointment and another tooth

I can't believe I have come this far. But I am so happy. Except for the implant everything is done.
All my teeth and my gums are healthy.
I have 2 new teeth.
I can't chew like crazy but I can eat again.
I have all the fillings done.
I am in NO pain. Like nothing. I can't remember the last time I felt nothing in my mouth, like the last time I haven't felt my mouth. And now its gone. Pain free. Painkiller free.

So wen't into this quick appointment. My new onlay was already there. Image it more like half a tooth. It is bigger then an onlay but smaller then a crown. But the procedure was much the same as with a crown. But first my doc got super excited. I was shown the tooth I could examine it etc just like last time. And I have to say it is a piece of artwork. Absolutely realistic. They also put a little brownish discolouration into the rough area where there would naturally be some discolouration. So we did first a try out. And it fit perfectly. And my doc got super excited how beautiful it is and how perfectly it fits. She didn't have to adjust a thing. So while they glued it on she was commenting on the lab who makes them. She said she really likes their work and she only had experienced problems with them twice. As once they forgot to do the discolouration bit and the teeth looked too plastic from it. And she was really unhappy. It was a tooth in the back to not visible but she called them up and complained to never do that again because she can notice. And they also didn't make the patient pay for it. But normally she would rather send it back then give something not nice to the patients.
So then my tooth got ready, I could take a look and honestly it is beautiful. The texture feels more realistic then the porcelain crown and I can't feel a thing. It feels and acts like an absolute natural tooth. Like I was born with it. Only me and my doc knows the secret haha.

Then we did an impression for the CT scan. It went quiet well as it was just the top one and no bite impression needed. I think I am getting used to this by now.

So next up is my CT scan for the implants and then a one on one discussion with my lead doc about the implants. If it goes well, I would get them in December, then I need healing for 3 month, and then we can finish the implants.