Ashamed and need some help

Hi all.


I'm not exactly new to this forum. I posted on here a few years ago. I never actually managed to make an appointment with a dentist. I feel like a failure.


I haven't been to a dentist since I was 6 or 7 years old and I'm now 21. My mental health took a nosedive in the past few years and I'm finally at the point where I want to face my fears and go to a dentist.


I never had a bad experience at the dentist when I was younger, I remember that they were nice and I never had any problems. It's just not going for the past 14/15 years has made me feel embarrassed and I'm terrified that when I do go, they're going to judge me and make me feel bad about my teeth. And I don't want to lose my teeth. I'm also terrified that if I do manage to go to one, that I'll need a lot of work done, and that it will hurt.

But I can't keep ignoring it and I know I need to go to a dentist before I end up losing my teeth. It's on my mind nearly everyday. No one in my family cares about their teeth and I feel like the odd one for not wanting to let my teeth rot away. I've stopped eating certain foods that I enjoy, because they hurt my teeth. My wisdom teeth are coming in, two of them have come through completely, but one of them has come through a bit, and stopped. It often hurts, and makes my jaw hurt, and I know I should get it seen to but I can't. I'm scared.


I've managed to look for dentists in my area, but I can't make an appointment. I can't ask anyone for help, because they'll be disgusted and be ashamed to know me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get the courage to make an appointment. I know I've got to be responsible and go, but I can't make an appointment. I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety at the thought of making an appointment, I don't know what I'd be like if I actually made an appointment and went to one.


Any help would be much appreciated.

I can't ask anyone for help, because they'll be disgusted and be ashamed to know me.

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I highly doubt that. There's nothing disgusting about wanting to address a problem and asking for some help. You haven't done anything wrong. The dentist is a trying experience, and it takes a backseat for a lot of people, especially when their mental health isn't great.

A good dentist will never shame you. It can help if you explain your situation to the dentist beforehand. You can say, you know you haven't been in a while, but you really want to get it taken care of now, but that you're incredibly nervous and scared and you would like it if they went easy on you. A dentist's job is provide you healthcare, not to shame you. They should be focused on providing the best healthcare that meets your needs. You aren't required to impress them - they should want to impress you!

The first appointment will be an examination only. They'll take some x-rays and explain what treatment you need. You shouldn't have to be in pain, and you can ask if they offer any sedation, gas or IV, which might make the treatment easier for you. If you need your wisdom teeth extracted, then you'll simply be joining the legions of people that need the same. Mouths have gotten smaller over time, and nowadays many people don't have room for their wisdoms. But extractions, even wisdom tooth extractions, are actually one of the quicker procedures.

We tend to build up things we're afraid of in our mind so that they seem like insurmountable obstacles. But they're pretty much always much worse in our heads than they are in reality.

It's also fine that you posted here years ago but never managed to make the appointment. It's quite normal. It took me a couple of years to build up the courage too.

Hang in there

Thank you Sevena

I tend to overthink everything, it's one of my downfalls, and I know that I'm building it up in my mind and making it seem worse than it actually is.

I'm worried if I do ask a friend for help, that they'll look down on me. I've confided in a friend (well someone who I thought was a close friend) before, and they used it as an excuse to be nasty to me. They made sly little digs at me because of it. I don't want to make that mistake again.

Thank you for explaining what will happen at the first appointment. It's helped a bit to know what will happen when I do go for the first appointment, eventually.

You are SO not alone there,, I'm the same way over thinking and default to thinking I'm a nuisance, bother and people won't want to help and it takes everything to step out and believe someone isn't like that. same has happened to me.. Its so nice to be in good company here with so many that feel the same..

frostgirl said:

Thank you Sevena

I tend to overthink everything, it's one of my downfalls, and I know that I'm building it up in my mind and making it seem worse than it actually is.

I'm worried if I do ask a friend for help, that they'll look down on me. I've confided in a friend (well someone who I thought was a close friend) before, and they used it as an excuse to be nasty to me. They made sly little digs at me because of it. I don't want to make that mistake again.

Thank you for explaining what will happen at the first appointment. It's helped a bit to know what will happen when I do go for the first appointment, eventually.

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I agree with others you are not alone, i am the same even though i been to dentist for years and had lots of exams, checkups etc. Thankful I have find the dentist I like who I had for 6 years at the same pratice I have attended 33 years, my mum been going here 59 years. don't worry what the dentist thinks the dentist will have seen worst teeth and patients than yourself.

It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

I've just got to work up the courage to make an appointment now. The thought of it is making me anxious

I'm worried if I do ask a friend for help, that they'll look down on me. I've confided in a friend (well someone who I thought was a close friend) before, and they used it as an excuse to be nasty to me. They made sly little digs at me because of it. I don't want to make that mistake again.

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Sounds like an efficient way to sort out real friends from fake ones! A real friend would be supportive no matter what. If a friend came to you with the same problem, can you even imagine being mean about it? You're better off without someone like that in your life.

Sevena said:

Sounds like an efficient way to sort out real friends from fake ones! A real friend would be supportive no matter what. If a friend came to you with the same problem, can you even imagine being mean about it? You're better off without someone like that in your life.

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It's a very efficient way to sort out real friends from fake ones! If she had came to me with the same problem, I would have been understanding and try my best to support her. But I don't need to waste time on people like that.

It's just left me feeling unable to ask anyone for help

Most healthcare professionals are there to help you. It's why most went into the field.
Call offices and tell them your story. In general the person who answers the phone is very influenced by the doctor in the office so if that person is nice and respectful to you then that's the office to try. When you go if the dentist doesn't treat you nice then just leave and go elsewhere. Try not to get mad with them just realize that that dentist isn't right for you. Nothing wrong with coming to that conclusion just like there are people that you just don't want to socialize with.

comfortdentist said:

Most healthcare professionals are there to help you. It's why most went into the field.
Call offices and tell them your story. In general the person who answers the phone is very influenced by the doctor in the office so if that person is nice and respectful to you then that's the office to try. When you go if the dentist doesn't treat you nice then just leave and go elsewhere. Try not to get mad with them just realize that that dentist isn't right for you. Nothing wrong with coming to that conclusion just like there are people that you just don't want to socialize with.

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Thanks comfortdentist, I'll try to ring some places and explain it, but I get terrible phone anxiety as well. But I will definitely try to. I'll try to write a few things down so I can try to keep my anxiety under control when I'm on the phone.

I think the first phone call is totally scary, but it's our first step. I distinctly remember sitting at my desk and making that call at work. I noticed right away the friendly tone of the office receptionist. I also remember her asking how long since my last appointment. Laughed & said well it's been quite awhile and it had been. Way too long. I'm not done with my dental dilemma but I'm getting a slow grasp. I think those first steps are hardest. Really hoping you find a caring dentist. They are out there. Fear is totally real, but we are much stronger than we know. You got this. Hope you are doing well.

Peaceandhope said:

I think the first phone call is totally scary, but it's our first step. I distinctly remember sitting at my desk and making that call at work. I noticed right away the friendly tone of the office receptionist. I also remember her asking how long since my last appointment. Laughed & said well it's been quite awhile and it had been. Way too long. I'm not done with my dental dilemma but I'm getting a slow grasp. I think those first steps are hardest. Really hoping you find a caring dentist. They are out there. Fear is totally real, but we are much stronger than we know. You got this. Hope you are doing well.

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Thanks, I'm doing well today.

I get panicked on the phone and end up talking faster and faster. Going to have another look and contact some dentists next week.

I've found a dentist in the town next to mine, and I'm going to try and ring them next week, to explain everything and possibly book an appointment, but I am terrified.

I just want to get this sorted out and not to have it on my mind everyday. I can't live like the rest of my family and let my teeth rot away. But why do I also feel bad and guilty for wanting to get my teeth sorted out.

I'm having a pretty crappy weekend because I've got a persistent earache and my wisdom teeth are coming through even more. So my jaw hurts and my ear hurts

I feel like a failure at times. I can't even do a simple thing like make a phone call.

I've made a shortlist of the dentists I want to ring and see if they're accepting new patients. One's in the town next to mine on one side, and there's one in the town on the other side of mine. And I've found one in the town where I work at. Since I had the house to myself today, I thought I could just try to ring one of them, and see if they were accepting new patients. But I couldn't. I felt sick at the thought of making a phone call. I even wrote down what I was going to say. Argh.

I want to ring and explain everything and try to make an appointment, but I'm terrified.

Oh well, I can try again on Friday when I have the house to myself again

The anxiety over doing this can be so overwhelming and real. I've done the same thing,, and just froze for days or even weeks... its hard to get past that first call.. to pick it up and then think.. no.. then yes.. then ok.. then no.. I sooo get it.. I hope it can be easier on Friday for you. Have you looked at all the websites and gather as much information .. look at reviews on them? see what other patients say? that always makes me either feel better or decide not to call if reviews are bad..

Could you email the offices instead of calling?

Great idea from FearfulinMA about emailing instead of calling.
Can I ask how you made your shortlist of dentists locally and in nearby towns?
If you need NHS treatment, it is likely that your local NHS Trust Area, has a website where you can search for dentists accepting new NHS patients.

However if you can bear to, I would suggest you look at websites for practices that do both NHS and private care, so that you can read the biography and maybe even see a photo of the person you would like to book the appointment with.
Try searching anxious patient dentist (name of your hometown) and it should bring up sections on websites about dentists having an interest in helping anxious patients.

Given how long you have been struggling with this, it is possible that your medical GP could refer you to the Community Dental Service, whose staff work there precisely because they want to help phobics and the medically compromised etc. so usually a good bet.
Best wishes...at least give it a try...what do you have to lose?...you can walk out if you don't like them...as Comfortdentist says.

Hi brit

I made my shortlist by having a look at some recommendations on Facebook. My local area has a community group on Facebook and someone asked for recommendations for a dentist who's good with nervous patients. And a lot of people recommended all of the ones I found. There was a lot of good reviews and I looked at the websites for the ones mentioned and they all seem good. But I know that I can't just rely on that. I've had a look at the reviews on Google and NHS Choices and they're all positive. I am worried that if I do go to one of them though, that they might turn out to be the complete opposite of what people have said

I'll have another look around using your tip brit.

I have a bit of a problem with going to my GP. The one I've been with since birth, it shares the building and reception area with a dentist. I already get anxious about seeing a doctor and I don't think I can handle being in the same building as a doctor and a dentist. So I tend to avoid seeing my GP unless I desperately need to see a doctor

frostgirl said:

Hi brit

I made my shortlist by having a look at some recommendations on Facebook. My local area has a community group on Facebook and someone asked for recommendations for a dentist who's good with nervous patients. And a lot of people recommended all of the ones I found. There was a lot of good reviews and I looked at the websites for the ones mentioned and they all seem good. But I know that I can't just rely on that.

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Well done - that is also an excellent strategy especially as social media is so popular nowadays. I am sure it would be fine to go along with any of those, especially if they recommend an actual dentist by name (it's the individual that matters if you are nervous) and not just such and such practice where the dentists change all the time.

frostgirl said:

I don't think I can handle being in the same building as a doctor and a dentist. So I tend to avoid seeing my GP unless I desperately need to see a doctor

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Oh okay...so it stresses you out, even though you are not seeing the dentist. Would that dental practice be any good do you think? Or is there a reason you have such a bad reaction to it?

Why don't you set yourself the task of just emailing one of the recommended practices ?

• You may want to e-mail (or even snail mail) potential dentists before ever meeting them for a chat. Some websites openly encourage this, others don’t. You can always try though. Especially if you don’t have a personal recommendation for a dentist, it’s a good idea to check them out a bit before making an appointment with them.
• Don’t ask them if they deal with phobic patients, but how they deal with phobic patients! If you’ve decided to e-mail one or more dentists, explain what your fears are and ask if and how they might be able to help you. See if you like their answers, and what the general “feel” of their reply is.

There are some downloads here to help you identify your fears (which seem to be 'the unknown' and 'embarrassment' based on what you have said so far).
You might find it helpful to use the sample letter for an email but tweak it to suit, the wording is a bit weak at the end I think!