Confusing thoughts about my upcoming appointment

Calm and peaceful

"It's amazing how we can allow certain storylines to play on a loot in the mind, even when they have no basis in reality" Andy Puddicombe

I feel calm and at ease. My appointment is in 7 days and it's not a big deal. My life goes on. The uncontrollable shaking during the day stopped and my confused thoughts also. I don't have much fear. Just being slightly excited like I would be before any other important appointment. I am wondering how long it will stay like this before the mental storm comes again.

Re: Calm and peaceful

Enarete said:

"It's amazing how we can allow certain storylines to play on a loot in the mind, even when they have no basis in reality" Andy Puddicombe

I feel calm and at ease. My appointment is in 7 days and it's not a big deal. My life goes on. The uncontrollable shaking during the day stopped and my confused thoughts also. I don't have much fear. Just being slightly excited like I would be before any other important appointment. I am wondering how long it will stay like this before the mental storm comes again.

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Nice quote.

I'm feeling like that at the moment too. I've got two weeks till my appointment and I go through quick stages of wanting to go and being sort of excited, to then being terrified and shaking and not wanting to go. I hope your appointment goes well

Thank you, Frostgirl.

The changes are crazy, I was going through this all the time and I assume that everybody is. The journaling here is really helpful. In the last two weeks I always felt better after writing. It's good to sort and order the thoughts that fly in your head. By putting it into written form I got much clearer about what I feel, what I am afraid of and what my images are. The second effect is the 'playing out' of horror thoughts and fears after having written them down so they pass much quicker. And not to forget the support of all the lovely people here!

So please, keep on writing, you will fell so much better and believe me, there are people who read and follow it and think of you.

Looking forward to read you posts and knowing how you are doing.

6 days to my appointment.. or 7? I don't know. Depends on how I count. However. Freaking out. This is gonna be a desaster.

I am afraid of freezing and/or having an panick attack. Not because of the sensations - I know, I will survive and be ok in some time- but because it would completely destroy the appointment. The dentist is great and has a lot of experience, that's a fact. But if I end up staring into space shaking, not being able to talk or to move and that even before I meeting him... Even if they are all kind and compassionate - they can do nothing with me if I am not able to communicate?

Tuesday next week. Gonna probably go crazy till then. Today really is heavy.

It's the same old story like everybody here is experiencing. Emotions changing rapidly, feeling like a multiple personality, negative voices in my head, insecurity, desperately wanting to cancel it all because it was a bad idea. Feeling ashamed. But sometimes also feeling ok. Thinking that the dentist hates me and will reject me. Everybody has it like this. And I even already know what will happen on Tuesday: it will be a success story and will make me feel strong and happy. This is nothing new. But knowing it doesn't make me feel any better.

It's not about the fear. It's about the heaviness of the emotions and about that nothing helps. The worst emotions are the ones that you can do nothing about. Like suffering a break-up. Loving somebody who doesn't love you. Losing somebody. Or having anxiety. You can do whatever you want but you have just to hold on and endure that all. We are not used to endure anything. We want to fix it, change it, resist it, keeping ourselves busy not to think of it all because the holding on is so unbearable. I can meditate, pray, sing, dance, write a journal, listen to music, trying self-hypnosis, watching movies, talking to friends, work, work out and nothing of that will make me feel better for longer that a moment. I actually want to fall asleep an wake up on Tuesday. That would help.

And I am perfectly clear about the fact that this state is nothing unusual and that everybody who suffers from dental fear or phobia has it like this. I would even go further. Everybody who goes through something very important with some (even just imagined) potential to fail feels like this.

The crazy thing is how unique this all is for me because I am experiencing it for the first time.

And there are so many people out there who already have been through this and it's like an old story.

And there is the dentist who works with that for ages and it's just an everyday routine.

And there are people out there who have other problems and would never understand why I feel so bad.

Going crazy. Want to cancel but since I know everybody wants that and it's not a solution and not an option I will hold on. I sometimes read the things I posted at the beginning of this journal. 16 days? I don't believe that. I have started at day 16 and survived till now? Wow..

Have send an email to the dentist again by the way. Silly crazy mail. I don't care about how I sound anymore. I am really waiting for him to cancel my appointment. I am challenging it... it's like come on, I know you must hate me and find me silly so just come on, tell me you don't want to see me. Tell me to find an another dentist who can work with difficult patients. Which is all silly as well. Of course he won't reject me. He don't even think of me much. I am just a patient like the thousends other people. No big deal.

Oh and did I mention that I am covinced of my dentist having two faces? The one is the kind caring one that can be seen in every word in every mail and every review. But he of course has one grumpy cruel personality saved just for people like me and will put it out as soon as I come into the practice. I will suffer. Will be a horror story. Probably I won't survive.

Ok. Enough for now. I feel a bit better and I will use this journal just every time I need a relief because writing it all out somehow helps.

Thank you for being so real!! This is beautifully expressed. !!

Its Sunday 5:47 pm. I am travelling tomorrow morning. My appointment is on Tuesday at 12. 2 days. I wonder how did I manage to come so far.

The reply to my email came about two hours later. He didn't cancel the appointment but answered my questions and even all the questions I had in my head but was afraid to ask. The mail was so reassuring! I spent the rest of the day in deep peace of mind and even excitement about the visit. I was imagining exploring the surgery and watching how far I could go. I was looking forward the explanations and was eager to have a look at some instruments. I felt like being about to go to a new playground and having some nice people there who would take care of me. He wrote that I would be in control of the whole visit. We would chat before we would do anything at all. And it would be even ok if I wouldn't feel up to an examination on that day (this one was bothering me for weeks but I was afraid to ask). And it would be ok if I did. The only thing guaranteed is a good chat.

The peace of mind stayed till the next morning but that's all right. I can be a bit nervous.

The interesting thing is that I now finally am willing to look for some relaxing techniques to calm myself down as much as I can. I think I can manage not to freak out completely but till now the stuff has been locked. It was like I WANTED to freak out and feel nervous because I was convinced that if I relaxed I would get caught off guard and something terrible would happen because a dental place objectively is such a dangerous place. I was like I wanted to keep this alarmed panic state because it makes me cautious and skeptical and careful and protects me. This, by the way, was also a reason why I refused to try hypnosis or therapy to beat my fear- I don't want to feel relaxed in a dental practice with a dentist I don't know. He could be a bad guy.
Now for the first time I feel like I don't need to protect myself anymore.

So from today on I am focusing on staying as relaxed as possible. I try to notice the moments of fear right as they come and adapt some strategies immediately:

1. Controlled breathing: I have found out that I need to take about 8 rounds of controlled breathing to calm myself down a little bit. This alone is not enough to stay calm but it's a good to start.

2. Music: I have a playlist that relaxes me. I have found out that too calm doesn't work well, I need something a little bit more energetic to produce some endorphins. After 2 songs I feel positive again. After 3 ones I feel totally excited and happy.

3. Taking a long hot shower helps because it brings me into a peaceful dream world. This one is kind of inflexible - I cannot stay in the shower for the whole morning on Tuesday. Nor can I jump into the shower three times per hour. But it's a good addition to the rest.

4. Carbs. I usually don't eat sweets and I don't eat much carbs besides the ones in vegetables and some rice, but I have found out that in my fearful moments carbs really help. This was also a tip in the last email - I should eat well on the day of the visit to remain high blood glucose level.. I am quite special when it comes to food and refuse advices on this one but he is right and I am now going to change my habits for the next days.

Tomorrow and on Tuesday I will also work out. Together with the music this could help a lot.

I am not afraid they would reject me anymore. My last small fear is that I would miss the appointment because of having noted the wrong time. This logically is impossible because I have repeated it 4 times during the call and the receptionist also repeated it about 4 times so the chance of making a mistake is not big. Maybe I will mail them (not the dentist, just the reception!) for a small confirmation tomorrow.

So here we go.. after ten weeks of struggling and panic, three cancelled appointments in three different practices and 7 weeks of mailing with the real practice of my choice, I really have an appointment and I really will go there! Feels somehow good.

Needles to say that the only reason for it feeling good is the great support I got from the dentist. Without the reassuring emails, his patience and all the support I could never come so far.

I hope tomorrow goes well for you!

Good luck tomorrow! You can do it

Please keep us updated

You are going to do amazing! You inspire us all!

Thank you so much for your support! It was so nice to read the messages before my appointment and it gave me so much courage!

I did it. I was there. And I can't believe it.

Just came back from the journey and it still feels like a dream.

The beginning was a bit challenging - I felt like fainting as soon as I arrived but there were so many people around (staff and patients) and they all seemed normal and calm and I didn't want to make a fool of myself so I tried to be as controlled as possible. So I said I had an appointment and the lady on the reception looked into the computer and in that moment my dentist came in to pick something up (!!!!) - dressed in clinical clothes and with a mask (!!!) and I thought I would die!!!! It was short and fast and he didn't notice me at all and even if he did, he wouldn't recognize me because he never saw me but I knew him from the picture. I got so panicky that I made few steps back from the reception and turned around to the door and then came back again. The nice lady in the reception came out and showed me where the waiting room is, she practically got me seated and told me to wait there for a moment for her to get the new patient forms.

The forms were ok but the last page - they ask about the anxiety and about why I was there that day and also some concrete questions about my dental health. I was too scared to fill that - I didn't want them to know what my problems were because then the dentist would want to have a look there and I didn't want anybody to have a look at that point. So I stared at the form and wanted to cry and got frozen and looked at the window and wanted to chicken out and I was just thinking 'this was the worst idea of my life' and 'what am I doing here' over and over again. And I felt so lonely there in the middle of a full waiting room staring at the form feeling desperate. And I jerked every time I heard steps coming closer to the door of the waiting room because I was scared they would call my name or even worse that the dentist would pick me up. I just wanted them to forget me and let me be and let me die.

After few minutes I stood up and went to the reception and told them I couldn't fill in the third form because I needed some time to do that and if I could do it later. The lady said no problem. Then I asked if I could pay (because as soon as I payed I could chicken out officially, but I didn't say that). The lady said something which I didn't understand because I was kind of zoned out but I understood that they find my request strange so I said it's no problem, I would just do it after the appointment.

I got back to the waiting room and was still terrified and still almost died every time I heard steps but it never was my name. Finally I have found some harmony in not moving at all and hypnotizing one particular green leaf behind the window hoping they would just forget that I was there.
After some time I recognized the voice of my dentist at the reception and someone was talking to him and I again almost died. After few moments my name got called, the nurse introduced herself and we went.

To be continued.. have to go now but will come back and write the rest.

Sorry for so much detail, but this is a part of the processing. It's easier for me to remember details in writing and this way I maybe manage it to take the 'unbelievable' and 'unreal' out of the whole experience and start to believe that it really happened. I will need the detailed description for my next appointment.. to remember what happened

The treatment room was just few steps away from the waiting room. Realizing this was also a moment when I almost died because I actually hoped it to be a longer way so I could 'prepare' myself mentally for meeting the dentist. But I thought that maybe he is not in there yet and comes later but at that point I was in and saw that he was also in.

The dentist greet me and I behaved like an idiot. I guess I didn't even manage to say 'nice to meet you' and then he said something and I heard him saying it but didn't understand what he said and the nurse also was saying something and I was so blocked. So I said 'sorry, can you say it again please' and he said it again and I still wasn't able to understand so I sad 'sorry, I just don't understand right now - I am kind of kognitively blocked, I neeed a moment' (kognitively blocked? What's that??) So he let me take a place in a normal chair right in a front of the dental chair, he was sitting opposite on the side. He had the forms in his hand so I explained that I wasn't able to fill in the third one with the problems because I don't feel like telling him what my problems are right now because he would want to have a look and that would be strange. He said that it's ok and we can do that later.

He asked me a lot of questions about why I came to the practice and about my fear, about the origins of it and my past experiences. I told him about the visit two months ago and about how I have found his practice. And he was listening so carefully that it almost was irritating - I felt I was having his 100% attention but all in an open and neutral manner, he was really listening to every word I was saying and taking it seriously. And he was taking notes. At some point he wanted to know what my fears concrete were and we were talking about that.

Somewhere in the middle of the conversation I said that now I can fill in the questionaire. I said I can do it by my own and he said no, no, let's do that together. So he read the questions and I gave him answers. And he was very understanding and neutral again and helped me as soon as I couldn't find the right words. And at one point I struggled and didn't know if the answer was yes or no and he noticed that and said 'that's ok, I will see that'. After the questionaire I felt much more confident and there was some more trust so I said there were some other fears I had and we had a further chat.

After that he suggested to have a look if I felt up to - he said it would be only looking, no probe, no poking, no probe and he wouldn't touch my gums (was on my fear list). So I agreed and he carried out an examination and was talking to me all the time. Actually the triggers that I normally have weren't present because he distracted me through talking all the time so I didn't realised. The only thing that made me really panic was the chair getting tipped back but I wasn't able to use the sign so I tried to go through somehow. After we were done I felt so bad that I tore off the napkin-thing and the glases, jumped out of the chair back into the normal chair, grabbed my water and drank half a bottle at once. He asked me calmly if I changed the chair because I couldn't stand to sit in the dental chair anymore or if I only was more comfortable in the other one. I said I couldn't stand it anymore. He let me a minute to calm down and asked if it was something that had build up gradually or something that happened at once. I said at once and he said 'It was the moment I tipped you back, right?'

After that we were talking again, about how we could tackle my fear and what treatment do I need. We also talked about some of the items that were high in my fear list and a bit about the one tooth that is bothering me.
I again felt very understood and was happy that he would treat me.

The point that really touched me was that he would write the dentist I visited two months ago and ask for the x-rays that were made! Despite the dentist being abroad! As we came out of the treatment room he introduced me to the dentist who speaks my language and she took the details about the old practice and prepared the letter!
Well I know that this is probably nothing special, but for me it was like - like a sign of 'now you are our patient and we don't mind the extra effort to get your x-rays, because you are worth it' .. something like this. Anyway I felt so accepted and was deeply touched.
The second deep moment was after I already got home and have seen that they have sent me an email confirmation of my next appointments. This again, was like I belong to the practice now and they will take care of me as a patient. I have never had a practice in my life that really would be 'mine' and I have never seen one dentist more than tree times. And this feeling of having a practice I belong to, some that is nice and takes care of me and having one dentist I really trust and feel good with and who would treat me for a long time.. this was what I always wished for and what I felt as I saw the email and as the dentist told me they would get the x-rays...

So this was my first visit. The next one is in three weeks and it's not just happiness and looking forward to it, actually it feels quite stressful sometimes and last night I was pretty afraid and woke up every hour thinking about the things we would do during the next visit and if I freak out again because of the chair.. but I am very confident that I will feel better after every visit

I hate myself right now.

I am scared to go there again. I don't want to go into the chair again and I will freak out during the tipping back. It didn't feel like tipping back, it felt like the floor would get opened and I would start to fall into a black deep hole. That's exactly how it felt like and I feel like I cannot stand this again. I could cry when I think of this again.

And it was all my fault because I didn't tell him I was scared of being tipped back, I would be too ashamed of. And I thought it wouldn't be that bad and he maybe wouldn't even tip me back. How silly was that?!

This was supposed to be a success story and I remember feeling good at the end of the visit but now I feel like a wreck. I feel sad, desperate and mad about myself.

I can't do this to the dentist. He is so nice and caring and I am spoiling it all because I don't talk. I am sure he wouldn't be happy if he knew how lost I felt but it's just because of me not cooperating. I can't go there again. I killed his time-all the emails, the extra time he spent with me.

I feel like this makes no sense and nobody can help me. I should stop trying. Either I start talking or I stop bothering people who only can help me if I talk. And I can't talk.

Why didn't I give the stop sign? And why was I lying there so calmly when in reality scared to death? if I managed to show my discomfort he maybe could have helped me. I feel terrible.

Embarassed and ashamed and don't know what to do.

No, no, no, no. This can't be a solution. Just can't.

I can talk to the dentist again. I have to. I can hand him a letter with notes and tell him everything. I can admit that I have a problem with the chair. This must be possible. I can work on myself. I can take it slowly. This must be possible, I just have to find a way.

This is normal, I am still scared, right? Not everybody gets it right the first time. And if he refuses to work with me I can find someone other. This must be possible. Must be. I can't give up. Just have to keep the momentum. The next appointment is already set and I already have the flight I will book the hotel quickly so I cannot quit. And I can prepare the letter. This must be possible. I can still cancel if the second visit doesn't go well either. But I shouldn't give up so quickly. What if this is just a trick of my mind again?

Keep pushing forward. You are facing your biggest fears because you refuse to let them control you anymore. You are courageous, and you are strong. You are absolutely going the extra mile in order to improve your health, and it WILL be worth it. It is normal to have days where you feel desperate and want to cancel, I know I do. Just don't let those days get the best of you. Right now, every step you are taking is a step in the direction of your goals. You have found a wonderful dentist who truly wants to help you. Consider him one of your partners in this journey.

photolove said:

Keep pushing forward. You are facing your biggest fears because you refuse to let them control you anymore. You are courageous, and you are strong. You are absolutely going the extra mile in order to improve your health, and it WILL be worth it. It is normal to have days where you feel desperate and want to cancel, I know I do. Just don't let those days get the best of you. Right now, every step you are taking is a step in the direction of your goals. You have found a wonderful dentist who truly wants to help you. Consider him one of your partners in this journey.

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Photolove, thank you so much! I will keep reading your post again and again every time I got overwhelmed. One of my partners in this journey.. wow. This sounds so reassuring. And knowing that I am not alone too..

"Apply for that job. Date that person. Buy that plane ticket. Move to that city.

Do all the things that scare you, because they're worth it."

And also: Go to that dentist.

Back at the beginning

So my first visit is over and I am back where I was - mood changes whole the time. Troubles staying concentrated, high heart rate out of nothing. Welcome back. And I thought it would be all gone because I have a good dentist and now no reason to be afraid anymore.

Two weeks to my next appointment. I have found out that I cannot remember much from the last one and it feels like I haven't been there at all or at least not mentally (fortunately I wrote about the visit here in the Journal so I still can remind myself of what happened). I had a notebook with me to take notes because I knew I wouldn't be able to remember anything.

So today I opened my notebook to look at my notes and realized that this is all I wrote down:

"- beyond a certain level of complexity"

That's all. This was probably a fragment of an answer to one of my questions and it must have been a second of me being present enough to write something down and it seems that after two seconds all of this presence was gone and I didn't manage to make any further notes. So I was there for almost an hour and this stupid small nothing is everything I have noted and it's not helpful at all.

The second strange thing is that I cannot remember the dentists face clearly despite staring at him for prolonged periods of time. I remember thinking he looked just a bit differently than on the pictures. I remember his shoes very clearly and the color of his clothes. But I just have lost his face. This is so strange. I basically sat with someone for almost an hour and don't remember his face. So I am going to meet a strange person the next time. I was probably mostly looking down and was avoiding eye contact, that's why I cannot remember much. I can remember the face of the nurse. This is confusing. I wish I could meet him right now for a second just to make sure to recognize him.

I am wondering if the dentist or the dentists who work with nervous patients know that a nervous patient could just walk out without being able to remember much of what was said.

The good thing is that the dentist himself probably doesn't remember anything either because he has many patients. On the other hand he was present enough to take notes.

At one point he was talking about two fillings. I was sure it was about two fillings I already have but now I am wondering if he maybe was talking about two fillings that need to be done.. Going to ask next time.

Could it be that after the look everything seemed fine, not much treatment needed but on the x-rays next time he would find I needed like several root canal treatments and an extraction?

For the next visit the measuring of pockets is planned. Also some scaling and a polishing. I don't know how scaling is done and I am afraid of it. Would love to google or read about it, but I will stand the urge. I won't google because I have a dentist. And I won't ask anybody about it. Not even here in the forum. No asking, no reading, no googling, no youtubing, no imput. I have a dentist I trust so from now on he is MY ONLY SOURCE FOR ALL QUESTIONS ABOUT TEETH. For the rest of my life. Never gonna google again because I don't need to.

Self-discipline is going to be my motto for the next two weeks...

How do I feel: Going mad. Cried because I don't want to go back. Just don't want to. I am not the type for a dentist and this thing will never work. I will for sure start to scream once I see the dentist again and start to cry as soon as I see the chair. I feel so desperate. Deeply sad and disappointed. I don't feel afraid or scared. No. That's not fear. I feel deepest aversion.. rather die than going back. Would leave my life and my friends, get a new identity rather than going back. 31st October and I am traveling alone.

This is much worse than any of my fears before the first visit. Gonna get crazy, that's for sure.

You aren't traveling alone. We're all there with you!