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Confusing thoughts about my upcoming appointment

As5786.. that's so lovely, thank you very much:)


Got calmer again.. like always.. and like always I will get scared again soon, I know that.

This second visit is actually a first visit. The only difference will be that now I will maybe feel free enough to really cry and freak out. I was so controlled last time. I was pushing everything inside me and tried to look calm because I always do that. I wasn't even shaking - I was internally but nobody would notice. The only sign of panic was my apathy and acting disoriented. No crying, no talking, no shaking, no nervous movements. Surpressing all and trying not to move at all.

My priority for the next visit is freedom. I will go there but not going in til I reel ready. If the reception will be crowded like the last time or there will be a dentist with a mask, I will just turn away and go out for a moment and come back as soon as I feel calmer. If I feel claustrophobic or unable to stay in the waiting room, I will just go somewhere else or again out for a moment. I will express myself and say whats on my mind. Maybe it will help.

And I want to talk. I need to talk. I cannot come in and get into the chair and get done what we said I would get done. I maybe will need the whole appointment to be able to sit in the chair. I will take the time. No rushing. And I will say when I need a break and will ground myself regularly so I don't get overwhelmed.

I prepared an email with the triggers and the things that hepled and the things I was too afraid / ashamed to say last time. I will send it to the dentist next week. And I will say that I need time and some chat again. And that I would like not to get overwhelmed. And that I need to remember the appointment.

The treatment room last time was very simple. I am terrified that they put me into a room with a lot of tools and stuff the next time. I am afraid I would get a panick attack right when entering the room.

Almost two weeks.. I hate waiting..
 
Yes, yes, yes! Talk to them. I was not shy about being scared and nervous. I figured if they were going to judge me (they didn't) and think I was crazy, well, let's go all in. I knew what I needed. And if it upset them...so what? I could leave and not come back.

You're doing this *for you*. Go at a pace that makes *you* comfortable. If it takes you an hour to get in the chair, it takes an hour. This is your health, you get to decide how you handle it.
 
Have to confess something.. I have prepared that email with the triggers and what was helpful last time and what I was too ashamed to say. Want to send it few days before my appointment comes and also would like to voice my wish for the next visit: Going as slow as I need not to get overwhelmed. And not to zone out. And to be able to remember everything, especially if we do something in the chair. And going slowly with the chair. So the dentist would know and be prepared and everything would be clear before I get to the practice.

The problem is - I have already sent an email one week ago. To thank for the visit and explain that I can't give a stop sign and that it's almost impossible to notice any discomfort on me when I am in the chair because I freeze and look totally calm. I have sent that one two days after the appointment because I was so angry at myself for not being able to stop the examination and wanted to tell the dentist that I was really willing to get better at that.

Now he is in holidays till Monday and will maybe reply next week.. but then sending him an another email just few days later? I think I am overdoing it, he is so busy and probably gets so many mails every day and then the mountain of emails waiting for him after his holiday and probably he won't be done with them at the end of the week yet and then directly another mail from me.. Would happily pay extra for the consultation but am too afraid to offer that because it could get awkward.

So the second option would be giving him the letter as soon as I arrive at the appointment so he reads during out appointment but then maybe he had already planned something else and won't be that flexible.

Or I could send it and write that I am not expecting a reply, that it's just an information or something like that.

This social part of things is killing me. It's enough to have the anxiety and thinking I would die in the chair but then also overanalyzing the interaction with the dentis all the time and what I can say and what not and how much emailing is ok and how much is too much... if I won't die in the chair I will for sure die from the overanalyzing.
 
By the way just waiting for someone here kicking me out of this forum because of overdoing it with journaling..
 
Please , never stop your journaling. your processing and thoughts and journey is helping us all alot! :) and is so real and I and I think sooo many can identify with your journey and feelings in sooo many ways!!
 
That's what the journals are for... we wouldn't kick anyone out for that :)
 
Weekends are the hardest because I have too much free time there.

Should be studying. Have planned it and looked for it the whole week and now I just cannot focus on it because the only thing I am able to think of is.. what a surprise.. my upcoming appointment. No. I am not thinking of the appointment actually. I am thinking of the treatment room, the chair and the dentist.

Couldn't sleep last night. Woke up every hour with the treatment room in my mind and the thoughts about how it will look like. The last one was nice and simple, no dental stuff, just the chair and some stuff behind it but I couldn't see it properly and it didn't look scary. As far as I can remember there wasn't even a sink, just plenty of space left and right from the chair. I can perfectly imagine going there again and not being afraid. Like a room I already am familiar with, a dentist I am familiar with, a nurse I am familiar with. I could imagine having the examination one more time and wouldn't be nervous anymore because I know exactly how it would look like and feel like.

The problem is that the examination is done and now scaling, polishing and measuring of pockets is planned. Measuring of pockets is on my fear list. But since it is familiar I could cope with it. It would be also a thing most similar to the examination - no sounds, nothing handpiece-similar, just the dentist with a tool. But scaling? And polishing? How am I supposed to survive that? It feels like so much, I am getting overwhelmed even thinking of it. I am not afraid of pain or concrete horror scenarios and I know scaling would make me happy after done because my teeth would be cleaner. I am afraid of the fear. Of the feeling of getting overwhelmed. Of freezing. Panick attacks. Not being able to remember. My anxiety getting worse after that.

So my fear is to see a treatment room with a lot of stuff there and anything that makes noises. Maybe I could write it in that mail too and negotiate a little bit?

He wanted to scale, measure pockets and polish a tooth. I was afraid of the measuring so he suggested we could do one tooth and if that's all right for me we could do some more teeth (which was so generous and kind of him and he suggested it with a smile which has put me at ease immediately). So maybe I could suggest to measure all teeth but no scaling and no polishing? We could scale and polish next time, I have so many questions anyway that I could spend the whole appointment asking..

Measuring and chatting, no scale and no polish would be totally my pace. I would be much calmer if I knew this would be all we do at the next appointment. Everything more seems to be too fast.
 
Going crazy, going crazy, going crazy...

My appointment is on Tuesday in one week. In one week at this time I will already be in the town. I am terrified.

I used my free time yesterday to review my mail about triggers and unsaid things and my wishes for the next visit. I got so confident and optimistic with the mail and felt so good about it that I considered sending it right away, without waiting for an answer to my first mail. I wanted to close the whole issue, send the second mail, tell the dentist that he doesn't have to reply, I just wanted him to know. It felt so relieving. In my head it was already done and the dentist already knew.

I asked my boyfriend if it was a good idea. Originally I wanted to send it on Friday or Monday before the visit. He told me to sleep a night about it and to send it today if it still feels good.

The result is: today nothing feels good!

The new email doesn't, the old mail that I have already sent but have no answer yet doesn't, the thought of my next visit doesn't and the thought of the dentist sending me an answer to the old one doesn't. The whole idea of visiting any dentist anywhere in the world doesn't. Measuring of pockets doesn't. Staying in the old small nice treatment room doesn't, going into an another one doesn't. I feel like a freak.

Had a visit at my coach today. Working on releasing of the belief 'I am a burden to others'. Spent half an hour on that and guess it's still not released yet because if it were I wouldn't be scared of sending a silly email. I by the way controlled the amount of words in the email and several times measured the time needed to read it to make sure it wouldn't take more than few minutes to read it. I am not at 2 minutes if her reads fast, 4 minutes if he reads really slowly. I guess I really am crazy.

I am again at the point of wanting to shut up and keep my fears and triggers for myself again because the dentist for sure doesn't care. He probably can't remember me anymore because he has seen tons of other patients in the meantime and had holidays. An even if he remembered my face he for sure doesn't remember anything from the visit anymore.

And this mindset was exactly the source of my troubles during the first visit and will kill me during the second visit if I don't find the courage to voice my concerns. He is no profiler and no mindreader and he probably forgets things and I am great at forcing myself into stuff while acting like everything was perfectly fine just to find myself traumatized few hours later. This combination will bring me pain.

This is so hard and I am at my limit and every time it seems to be all right it gets worse again.

There are people who just speak their mind all the day. When they have a question, they ask. When they want to say something, they do. When they want to ask for something, they do. So what is my preoblem?
 
Have sent the email !!!

744 words. 2 minutes if read very quickly. 4 if read very slowly.

I feel about to die of an adrenalin shock.
 
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Not even 2 hours later and I got an answer.

Not just a quick short answer, no. He really replied to every single point, aknowledged the triggers, suggested what we could or could not do about it and he obviously remembers me.

I am amazed and I now could not be anxious even if I wanted to! I am even looking forward to the treatment room now, he wrote it would be the same one. So it's like visiting a familiar place with familiar faces and then deciding what we were going to do today.

I am not a satisfied customer anymore, I am a raving fan.

And honestly, this person is so inspiring because we live in a world where a lot of people don't care much about what they do and don't do their jobs wholeheartedly or feel very important and then there is this dentist trying really hard to reassure me and put me at ease and answering as quickly as possible. The work as a dentist must be so comlpex even with calm happy people who can cope with visits well but then trying to change the routine and find individual ways to make it easier for an anxious patient.. and then even writing mails like this and responding that quickly... wow.

My new focus in life: be to be as commited to my job as he is and to try to make such a difference in lives of the people I deal with. And if I even could manage to put people at ease instantly and handle all with kindness and respect, then the journey is done.
 
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SO beautifully said as always!!! This is so inspiring!!
 
That's so good to hear you got a good response from him
 
Having tousands of questions in my head I would like to ask at my next appointment. For half of them I am too afraid of the answer, the second half I find too silly to ask. And I won't google any of them because I have a dentist so will never google again. Guess I will just look at what feels ok to ask at that day. This ist now on my list:

1. Jaw-clicking (no idea how to call it, there is for sure a medical term for it). How often would be too often?
2. Would there be a reason for a tooth to hurt immensely for a second when hitting something hard during chewing - in case it happens only once and the tooth looks the same like before?
3. This part of an exam where the dentist checks some muscles and parts of the face - is it to be done on every check-up or is it just a new-patient-thing?
4. If a front tooth would feel a bit sharp at the bottom.. could it somehow get smooth again?
5. The filling on my front tooth that doesn't look white - would it be necessary to drill it to fix it - or more precisely would it be necessary to get numbed for that - or more precisely - would it be necessary to get a shot into the roof of mouth for it?
6. Would activated charcoal be bad for my teeth?
7. If I had gum problems, how would it have to get solved?

I would also love to know what treatment I need to get done. I suppose he told me last time but I cannot remember or didn't understand. Now I want to know but am afraid of the answer and afraid it could overwhelm me. Could he write it down on a piece of paper and I would read it as soon as I feel ready?

I am classifying myself as mental ill at the moment. That in my head gives me the permission to act upon my emotions and stop trying to supress it in order to feel 'normal'. I couldn't feel normal anyway at the moment.

Yesterday I got an reminder from the practice. I was in such a good mood at that moment that it felt like a email from the best friend. I wrote them back to tell them how much I was looking forward to the visit.
 
Since I get so anxious before appointments and can never remember my questions or their answers...ughhh....I try to write any questions or concerns down in a notebook a week or so before the appointment when my anxiety is at least controllable. I just number them straight down the page. When I get to the appointment I have my notebook and a pen and I ask each question, in order, and I write down the answers. I barely even process the answers, more like a news reporter just writing the responses. Then when I am home I can analyze (and over analyze) each part and try to understand what is going on.
 
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I am traveling on Monday morning and have my appointment on Tuesday late afternoon. The most part of the day I have felt very calm with small episodes of excitement and or maybe a bit nervous. I look forward to the visit and feel very optimistic. The email answer from the dentist really did it.

Strangely I still keep waking up in panic at night not realising being in bed but seeing myself in an treatment room. I then jump out of my bed and run out of the door as fast as possible. Few seconds laret after reaching the door I then realise that I am at home, sit down for few minutes to calm my racing heart and then go back to bed. I got used to it so it's ok, I am only surprised that it still it's still occuring.

I am looking forward to the familiar treatment room. It's a very nice one and has no scary dental stuff in it. We will first talk outside the chair. If I find some peace during the initial talk I will ask the dentist to allow me to sit in the chair for few seconds voluntarily. If that goes well I will ask him to tip me back for a moment. Maybe if I will decide it by myself in the middle of a normal chat I won't react as panicky as when happening shortly before a trearment. I could then just get up and go to the normal chair again, we would continue the chat and I would go into the chair again later, for the treatment.

The thought of this being my practice for the future makes me so happy that I almost cannot believe it. I have never been to the same dentist more than 3 times and I never had the 'this is my dentist'-feeling. The thought of this dentist knowing me for some time, knowing my problems, having my xrays and my file sounds so exciting to me! And I look forward to the reception lady who got me seated last time. She is so lovely and so reassuring and I must tell her this time. I am also curious if I will have the same nurse and have to ask about her name - I was too blocked to notice last time and now feel bad about it because she also was very nice.

I am 30 and have been living in six different cities in three different countries, being in care of my father, then the childrens home, then my much older sister and then my aunt as a child. I am not a child anymore and have been living in the same city for the last 10 years but the thought of any kind of stability still feels overwhelmingly touching to me and the thought of my dentist having ordered my x-rays feels like such a commitment that I could cry. And the dentist didn't refuse to treat me despite my anxiety and he is so patient, emphasizing to go at my pace and he answers my emails despite them being long and chaotic and they are all so kind and so nice. This practice is such a nice place..
 
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My gums are playing crazy in one area of my mouth. I am used to a small inflamation every now ad then and it always goes away after few days but this feels differently and totally scares me. And my appointment is in 4 days! What if this thing doesn't go away till then?

I don't want to step into the practice with a problem :cry: I don't want any treatment now, I cannot cope with that yet. I cannot even cope with letting the dentist have a look at anything that would bother me - I would probably lie or do anything not to have to get into the chair on that day.

Please, please, please, gums, donn't betray me and come back to normality till Tuesday, I am begging you! :cry:
 
Just came by to say that I hope tomorrow goes well for you, and let us know how you get on
 
Something about 7 hours to my next appointment. I was wonderfully calm and even a bit excited yesterday and now I am a nervous wreck again. I don't even have reasons to be nervous, we won't do any complex treatment, but.. I don't want to go there !!!! :terror:

Just don't want to go. I am wondering how this all should work. I am sure it won't work and I am wasting my time.. and the dentists time. I feel crazy.

Last week I wrote to the reception how I was looking forward to the appointment. And I also send a short 'thank you' as reply to the dentists mail and wrote that now I couldn't be worried even if I wanted to.. both is not true at the moment.

Gonna get some breakfast now and try to stay grounded and present for the rest of the day somehow.. maybe I manage it to calm myself down somehow..
 
Rollercoaster..

I feel better now. Spent almost an hour with meditating, letting the fear come up. Now it's gone and I can go about my day. If it comes again, I will meditate again. No matter if it takes hours or not. Feel really strong right now and look forward meeting the dentist and the team.

What an adventure! I am finding myself very very far out of my comfort zone and I am pretty enjoying it at the moment..
 
I want to scream and shout and jump around from happiness! I feel so blessed to have this dentist. He said today he was no magician but I am totally sure he is wrong. He just knows himself for too long so that he doesn't see how he really is.

As I went to the practice I was being a nervous wreck again. Not that much like the first time but a lot. The reception was very nice again and I didn't have to wait for long.

In the treatment room I wasn't acting like an idiot this time but actually manage to answer the 'how are you'-question and made some small talk about the travel here and the journey.

He than said thank you for the email, it was very helpful and now he could understand some things even better. He said that me not feeling able to talk directly clearly was a protection and it was ok and he would be curious if I find the talking easier with the time.
He asked me about some particular points again and offered me things we could try. He didn't have any notes in front of him so he really was remembering that all. We were talking about the stop signal a lot and he encouraged me to use it few times even when not needing a break, just to teach my brain that I was in control. He said that this is what we do - try to teach me that I was in control whole the time.

He offered me two solutions for the chair - he could tip it first and then I would go in or he could tip it in parts. I suggested we try it exactly like the last time and see how it would go.

As we were talked out he invited me to let him look and touch my teeth with a probe few times and then we could see how it would be for me and how far we could go. I asked him to give me a minute in the chair without tipping it back and he said of course. So I sat down and we were chatting a bit and I noticed my anxiety going worse and worse because he was next to me and it felt so close and made me freak out. At one point I stood up, took place in the normal chair and said that I was not in a mood to get tipped back at all. He said ok, that's no problem and asked why and I said I didn't know beacause 'I am freaking out when a person sits next to me' would sound very silly.

After a moment I went back and asked him to tip me back. He did it a bit differently than the last time - the thing went up first and then it went back and he tipped it in stages so I felt stable whole the time. After that I asked some questions to win a bit time before the exam would start so I would get used to it. I think they noticed it because they weren't rushing with the answers, we were talking like that for mabye 3-5 minutes. Then the nurse asked me if I would be ok with the bib (how nice that they ask! Im my country nobody asks, they just put it on you during you sitting in the chair waiting for the dentist and don't ask nothing) and with the glases.

My next trigger is the lamp and he was so careful with it, said he would put it not too close to me and was talking whole the time and after it was adjusted he again kept talking before we went on so I got used to it.

With all next triggers he told me before and let me time to get used to it and he asked me if I was ok all the time. With measuring he did one tooth and asked if it was ok, then he did some more and asked again and.. he was asking all the time.

Now I can remember every second of the visit and I remember the exam very very clearly and I didn't close my eyes not even once but was watching all and wasn't stressed at all.

After few minutes I asked to get up and he made the chair up again and asked me to stay there for a second and breathe before I switch into the normal chair again. I did so and he said that this was a good pace and better than the last time (last time I literally jumped out of the chair as the exam was over because it felt like I would die if I stayed any longer). We were talking about the last time and made a comparison to today and were talking about what we would do next time.

I am sooo happy. And it's not being proud of myself for beating the fear, it's feeling so blessed to have this dentist! I have done nothing - he is just incredible and you cannot have anxiety when he works with you. I feel like in a fairy tale. I was happy and relaxed after the visit and I cannot wait to come back in two weeks. And there is more - I actually try to imagine all the cool stuff we can do with my teeth! There is nothing I couldn't go through with him. The haviest stuff on my fear list I would do with this dentist.
 
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