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I feel pathetic.

  • Thread starter SolitudeIsBliss
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SolitudeIsBliss

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 14, 2017
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112
Location
Australia
I'm so unhappy with myself and my lack of action on getting my dental problems sorted out.

I've spent the last few months doing research on various clinics and procedures. I've also been saving like mad for the year, living as cheaply as possible, to afford the thousands of dollars worth of work I'm going to need to get done. I know I can't continue with things the way they are, because I'm so ashamed of the state of my mouth and it is impacting my wellbeing, my personal life and my professional life. I don't think I'll ever be confident or happy or successful the way things are currently. I'm in for a bad life if I can't get this fixed.

Despite this, I still haven't made that first step and booked in an appointment. I can't do it. I can't get past the fear and the shame.

I don't know what to do.
 
Hey there,

sorry to hear how you feel at the moment..

Please do not be too hard to yourself. From reading what you have done it seems to me that you are moving forward very diligently and with dedication. You did research on clinics and procedures and you have spend a long time saving. You seem to be determined and clear about the impact your dental fear has on your life.

So you have already have done the first step.:)

Beating your dental fear is a process. There are stages and some are more difficult than others. It's not a linear process and you will feel good and have hope sometimes and sometimes you will feel desperate. Making that appointment really is one of the hardest steps and needs a lot of willpower.

What about dividing it into small steps? If you cannot call a practice, how about emailing them? If you feel like actually booking an appointment would be a step too huge to cope with it, what about just to ask them some questions? You could ask them how they treat nervous patients or what you can expect at the first appointment. If any form of contact seems to be too much, what about to call them at a time where nobody would pick up the phone (at night or late evening) and just listen to their answering machine (this was what I did a lot of times before I was confident enough to contact them per email)?

The point of 'Now I really want to book a visit' will come sooner or later, believe me. Do not rush yourself into anything, you are already on your way and you are doing great. Having saved money and having done research already are huge steps. There are still enough people out there who haven't even made it to a homepage of a dental practice yet. So well done and keep concentrating on what you already have managed and be patient with yourself. One step at a time.

Look forward to hear about how you are doing, keep us updated.
 
Thanks for your reply and your kind words, Enarete.

A few months back I emailed two dentists. One responded in a friendly but short and underwhelming way. The other freaked me out because they called me as soon as they received the email. Email is all I can do right now.

I've selected the dentist that I want to see (initially at least). Their website talks a lot about being non-judgmental, caring, understanding, gentle, will listen to concerns and fears etc - which I like. They have good reviews too, with a lot of the reviewers mentioning they were nervous and how good the dentists were in helping them. I'm not so much scared of the treatments or the pain, it's more a fear of being scolded or lectured. Not to make excuses, but I've had depression, anxiety and low self esteem all my adult life. My teeth have been the last of my concerns until recently, which I realise how much impact they've had on me.

I want to email them but I don't really know what to say, or in how much detail I should go in. I hate to say, I don't even know what title to put on my email.

I wrote this out earlier as a potential email. I don't know if I should put in more detail? Anything to take out or add?

Hi,

I was wondering if you could help me?

I have a number of dental issues that require work. Unfortunately, I have issues with anxiety which has resulted in me putting this off. I’ve been unhappy about my situation for a long time and over the last several months I’ve been looking at different dentists and working out possible options. Primarily, I’ve been seeking out a dentist who is non-judgmental, kind and understanding – which is how I’ve come across your practice.

I am now at a point where I want to do something about it. However, I have some fears and concerns that need to be discussed and understood. I was wondering if it was possible to book an appointment just to discuss these issues and get a feel for the dentist? I’m not sure at the moment I can go beyond that as I am quite nervous about the whole thing and just talking to a dentist would be a huge step for me.

Thanks
 
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Hey, look at that. This looks like a pretty good draft! :)

I can totally understand how you feel. I get the disappointment of having emailed two practices more or less without success but that also is a part of the journey. Depression, anxiety and low self esteem are important factors and for sure correlated to your dental fear. That is not an excuse but an important link a dentist who works with nervous patients will see and know how to work with.

Your email sounds great. It's not too long and not too short, you are honest and very clear about your worries and fears, about your dental situation and, what is very important and helpful, you are absolutely clear about your boundaries and what you can do at the moment and what not. You mention that you have been looking at different dentists for several months which is also an information about the level of your dental fear. And you mention that kindness and non-judgemental approach are the things you are looking for.

This is something the practice should know how to work with. Well done!

By the way: my first email to a dentist took two weeks by the way and I had about 15 drafts of it in my computer and another 10 in my cell phone. I would basically spent whole days with trying to write an email. After all the drafts and two weeks I finally had something I felt ok with and was able to send it. This sounds crazy but is not. Writing emails is a huge step on the way and you have right to be anxious about that too.

Wish you get a lovely kind reply from them to have a first success you can build on.
 
I love the email you have prepared to send to the dentist office! If they do not give you response that you feel comfortable with, keep sending that email on until you find a good fit. I do think based on what you said about their practice that they will be glad to meet with you and help with any concerns you may have. At the very least a phone conversation between you and the dentist could be helpful.

I was in a bad way anxiety wise over my extensive mouth issues. I’m in the process of fixing them, but road is not short or easy. I am not so much out to try to “beat my fear”, but to face it and not let it have have power over me. That’s what courage is, being afraid but pushing through anyway. Every appointment I have, my body and mind silently scream I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE, but I keep that every appointment remembering how far worse it is to live with the anxiety of doing nothing.

You’re stronger and braver than you know. Congratulations in taking the first step!
 
Hey, that is a great email. Any good, decent person would be glad to receive and reply to such an email. If they don't reply, or reply and are mean, then forget them.

I kindly and gently encourage you to keep emailing dental practices until you get enough "data points" to make an informed decision.

Like the others said, I think you are doing wonderfully.
 
Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Sorry, I'd have responded sooner but I've had some unrelated personal dramas that derailed things.

I sent an email to the dental practice earlier this afternoon. Pretty much used the draft I posted here. Hopefully they'll get back to me tomorrow. I'm really hoping in their email that they provide some kind of acknowledgment of the points I made in my message to them or tell me a bit about their dentists or something. I hope it's not a brief "Please phone to make an appointment" message.

I'm considering sending some emails to other practices. Unfortunately, I've noticed that most practices seem to be more keen on talking to you on the phone and less interested in conversing via email. I'm happy to have a conversation on the phone at some point, just not initially. That's another step in itself.

I'll keep you posted.
 
Is there anyone who could go with you as a support person?
 
Hugs to you. I'm super embarrassed about my dental issues as well. Last week I took the plunge and called the office (only because I noticed a couple of my teeth are loose and I'm getting tired of trying to remember not to use them) I have an appointment next week and I'm scared. I looked up videos about extractions and that was a really bad idea. My plan is to go in for the consultation & hope for the best. I don't really know how I'm calming myself really. In 5 days I'll be freaking out I'm sure. I find that this site helps though.
 
Is there anyone who could go with you as a support person?

Unfortunately not. I don't have any family in the city I live in and I'm far too embarrassed to ask my friends. :(
 
So the dentist I emailed yesterday tried to ring me today but unfortunately I couldn't take the call because I was at work. They left a voicemail but I'm too freaked out to listen to it. I think I will try to listen to it tomorrow morning and call them back if I can get the courage.

I feel a bit embarrassed today that someone read that email.
 
I totally get that you don't feel up to talking to a practice on the phone yet and I would say the most people who suffer from dental fear or phobia feel so. Please do not feel embarrased about this. I don't know any user who would happily give a ring to a dental practice. That's impossile.

So if a practice only write 'please call us to make an appointment', it's fairly likely that they do not really know much about nervous patients and a good sign to look for further practices.
Your e-mail is greatly written and you even say that even talking to a dentist would be a huge step.. so of course you don't feel like having a phone call yet.

On the other side - maybe they wanted to be extremely kind so they called you.. maybe if you let the voicemail message just stay there.. sooner or later you will feel fit enough to listen to it. This is also a process.

This is not easy, this is absolutely scary, even emailing is scary enough for the beginnig so do not feel bad. You are a model-nervous patient in this sense:)

Be picky and chose a practice that you feel well from the beginning on and the first contact attempts is a very good indicator for this.

Hopefully the voicemail is lovely and very very kind and gives you further courage to move forward. And if not, than you have a good experience and can move forward too.

By the way.. did you notice the progress? Exactly a week ago you didn't even know how to send a mail and today: here you go, you are considering to listen to a voicemail. Don't forget to celebrate it as a first small win.:jump:

Look forward to hear how you are doing.
 
Hey Enarete! You're right. I have made some progress. Very slow, small progress. lol

So I got a little bit more courage and just checked to see if they responded via email as well as call me. They didn't. I'm kinda disappointed by that. An email would have been a little step closer to building up to a phone call. Perhaps it's a bit redundant to email as well as call?

It's occurred to me that most dentists are actively looking for patients (lots of special offers, free consults for new patients etc). Perhaps they view a phone call as a higher chance of potential patients committing to seeing them or something? Almost every enquiry form I've seen requires a phone number. Maybe it's standard practice to not discuss dental issues over the email.

I don't know. It doesn't seem like I'm going to get reply I need by email.
 
There is nothing redundant when dealing with a person who has a strong dental phobia - means probably traumatized several times by a dentist in the past, probably dealing with a lot of other mental issues, very likely having insecurities and low self-esteem, feeling of shame and a bunch of other overwhelming feelings and a lot of issues about trust. A good practice will respect your boundaries and your emotional state at this.

Your part of the job is to make no compromises in things you feel you need. If an email is the only thing you can accept, than it is exactly what you should go for. Every practice who calls you can get disqualified.
This can be hard because since finding the right practice seems to be so difficult, you may start considering compromising your needs but that's not the way. When you take care of yourself, you will find a dentist who will also take a good care of you.

Slow but steady wins the race. And it seems to me that that's exactly what you are doing :)
 
If the voicemail is nice and shows care and concern for the issues I raised in my email, I guess I'll give them another shot.

I have tomorrow off work, so I'll try and listen to the voicemail. Hopefully phone if I like what I hear, perhaps with the assistance of my prescribed valium lol.

In the meantime, I'll try and find some more dentists that may be suitable.
 
Unfortunately, I haven't managed to get any further with the dentist.

I have ongoing issues at work that's taking all of my attention. :(
 
What a brilliant email! I wouldn't have thought of that. My MO in the past was to look up names and addresses and pick out a few that "looked good" and then wander about outside their offices for hours before coming home again. Now I live in a foreign country where there is the government dental hospital. It's no frills, no comfort, but it's free. It took me more than 10 years here to see a dentist, but all the time believing that I must have loads and loads of cavities and awful things that needed doing. Eventually I went to the hospital and lurked about for ages, until finally seeing a dentist on the strict understanding that he would "only look". Even getting in the chair was terrifying and I was shaking and gripping the armrests as he looked, but he ended up saying there was nothing wrong! That was a couple of years ago. My point is, try to see a dentist on that basis - that they only examine you and let you know the score. It may not be anywhere near as bad as you think it is going to be. And even if there is stuff to be done, you will know exactly what that is and can begin to come to terms with it instead of just worrying. Could you also perhaps have everything done under general anaesthetic? I wish you all the luck in the world and well done for getting this far!
 
What a brilliant email! I wouldn't have thought of that. My MO in the past was to look up names and addresses and pick out a few that "looked good" and then wander about outside their offices for hours before coming home again. Now I live in a foreign country where there is the government dental hospital. It's no frills, no comfort, but it's free. It took me more than 10 years here to see a dentist, but all the time believing that I must have loads and loads of cavities and awful things that needed doing. Eventually I went to the hospital and lurked about for ages, until finally seeing a dentist on the strict understanding that he would "only look". Even getting in the chair was terrifying and I was shaking and gripping the armrests as he looked, but he ended up saying there was nothing wrong! That was a couple of years ago. My point is, try to see a dentist on that basis - that they only examine you and let you know the score. It may not be anywhere near as bad as you think it is going to be. And even if there is stuff to be done, you will know exactly what that is and can begin to come to terms with it instead of just worrying. Could you also perhaps have everything done under general anaesthetic? I wish you all the luck in the world and well done for getting this far!

I have actually thought about going to some of the offices and just hanging around outside. It sounds weird, but even being in the vicinity of a dentist makes me feel anxious lol.
 
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A little off-topic but I've had some issues at work related to my mental health these last few weeks and decided to take a tonne of leave that I had saved up.

I guess now is the perfect time to try and get things moving. I'm going to need my wisdom teeth extracted at the very least, so I'd like to try and get that done while I'm on leave at the very least.

I'm going to try and listen to the voicemail from the dentist I emailed tomorrow. Depending on how that goes, I want to return their call in the next few days.
 
I think you are extremely brave and am amazed at your steps so far. You are not pathetic at all. Someone who has been helping me with getting to a dentist said something that helped me... He said to try to remember that I am one of many who is scared and embarrassed of going to the dentist...this is probably not the first email like this they have read. And they hopefully have a lot sympathy and understanding about moving forward!!! Wishing you luck...
 
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