I’m beside myself with terror

I would be so grateful for any advice as I feel that I’m literally going out of my mind. I’m a 64 year old lady with an absolute terror of the dentist. A few things have happened in the past that have made me like this.

i can clearly remember as a child going to the dentist and having the big black rubber mask held on my face so that the gas would send me off to sleep. When I say ‘held on’ I literally mean forcibly pushed on my face. The next time I went my mum literally dragged me there kicking and screaming. I don’t remember how many times this happened.

As soon as I was old enough to make my own decisions I simply stopped going then, as my teeth deteriorated, I stopped brushing them properly because sometimes it was sore and I was worried about dislodging a filling or something.

Many years later, I had terrible toothache and somehow managed to get myself to the dentist (my husband was in the forces and we were abroad so the dentist was based in a British Military Hospital). I had suffered with rheumatic fever as a child and, although I’ve been told that this has now changed, back then they used to give you some sort of injection before dental treatment if you had suffered with that. Anyway, on this occasion, they took me into the room and gave me the injection then told me to wait in the waiting room. I started to feel very strange and people were looking at me. The next thing I remember is coming to in the dentist chair with a lot of concerned faces looking at me. One of them turned out to be an emergency doctor they had called in from somewhere else in the hospital. They were talking about possible heart problems, it was terrifying. To cut a long story short, it turned out that I had had a bad reaction to the injection. I was back to square one and too scared to go back.

Again, a few years later, I somehow managed to pluck up the courage to make an appointment with a dentist. Basically he took one look in my mouth, said it was disgusting and that I didn’t deserve help. I left there and then and have never seen a dentist since. That was 13 years ago and, obviously, my teeth are now even worse. I have pain sometimes, my gums and teeth are in a terrible state, but I just muddle through with painkillers.

i have also suffered with depression and anxiety for many years and the whole dentist thing just makes everything worse. I am at my lowest point now, I’m crying all the time, I don’t know where to turn and I’m absolutely terrified. Nothing seems real any more. I know that I have let things get this bad but I just don’t know where to turn.

I’m sorry this is so long but I wanted to try and include everything. Please help me.

ChrissyR

Chrissy,

You are 100% not alone. Posting on here is a huge step and means you want to take control so here's my advice -
Find the right dentist. It's crucial. The first one I saw was kind but clearly did not have the skills and experience to take on a case as complex as mine. So I tried another and they were horrid patronising and unhelpful and very much of the what a mess you have made for us to clear up attitude.

I then did some serious research as I was a complete mess at this point and emailed a number of dentists explaining all my history, the treatment I likely needed and asking if they could treat me.

One emailed back and said yes. They asked if I was up to a chat on the phone with one of the practice staff- I agreed and booed luke a baby through most of it but they were brilliant. Next step was to come in and meet them, have a look around, say hello but no chair and no looking in my mouth yet.

We eventually worked up to getting in the chair and agreeing a treatment plan but it took a good few visits but they were happy to take it at my pace.

I'm now part way through a gruelling treatment plan - full extractions and dentures- and it's going slow but well.

The right dentist is out there for you!

Chrissy,

I'm so sorry for your experience, and mine was awful too until I finally found a good compassionate Dr at the age of 30 . I was so scared and ashamed.. she was in her first year of practice and was very nice to me, unfortunately I was still married to my abusive ex and he didn't want me having compassionate care and banned me from seeing her again.. Well anyways, went through a few since.. and quite a few crazy and stressful stories. but I did find one about months ago that I appreciate and is caring and gentle in approach but also kind of funny which is very helpful for me to distract from the dental stuff.. Never any shaming here.. and even the hygenist.. is one of the kindest people I've met.. I used to really fear the hygenist as that is where I really got alot of the lectures.. anyways.. I agree... if you don't feel comfortable, if they are rude, mean, or something inside you just doesn't sit like..trust your instinct.. you deserve compassionate care.. Show them how much you are worth. don't let them show you!! Because you are taking the step to take care of yourself despite your fears and reservations and that is amazingly brave!!!

Thank you both so much for replying, it means a lot to me. I’m finding it hard not to let my mind run away with me and keep imagining worst case scenarios way down the line. I had thought about emailing dentists but I’m not sure what to write. I’ve also looked into local recommendations but that makes things even more confusing. One person will recommend a practice and then someone else will say ‘don’t go there’ for whatever reason. I’m just going round in circles getting myself in more of a state.

I truly hope you're able to find the strength to shop around. I have horrible anxiety with the dentist.. after they changed it so that state insurance no longer covered adults for dental work, only extractions, my anxiety went skyrocketing. I used to sleep through root canals, but after multiple extractions (needed fillings.. but the state wouldn't pay for it and I had no money, so my only choice was extraction) just being in the office would make my heart go crazy.

I finally found a dentist that I liked. He didn't make me feel like a nasty person.. he made me feel like a human being with a problem. It took my friend calling around and making the appointment for me.. once it was made, I of course, went.. but just making the calls was hard. So that would be my first suggestion.. ask your spouse or a friend to help screen the offices and find a dentist for you, AND make the appointment.

The next thing would be.. if you've reached a place where they're that bad.. you might need dentures. I reached that place.. I put it off for 3 years.. numerous infections, abcesses, etc. and I finally found someone thanks to a friend. He recently did my full extraction and set my dentures and my new problem is getting used to these new teeth. He was caring, patient and didn't make me feel bad for having yucky dental hygeine. He spoke in a positive manner that put me at ease and made me feel positive as well.

This is the last time I ever have to do a surgical procedure in my mouth (I hope!!) and all i have to do is deal with my dentures, implants and the frustration that goes with being a denture wearer at 42. But it took my friend finding the right dentist for me.. and being there to support me with my choices.

You've got this.. just take deep breathes and remember you're not alone.

Congrats on taking the first step.

Chrissy,

so sorry what you wen't through! I am particularly sorry about what happened with the last dentist.. makes me just speachless.

So basically you had violent experiences at every dental visit as a child and didn't get protected even from your mother. Then you had a traumatic experience with a dentist as you had this emergency. And even after that you plucked up the courage (wow!) to see a dentist again and he spoiled it in such a way and made you feel even worse. I understand how hopless you feel now.

Let me correct you in one very important point: YOU hadn't let things get this bad. Please, cross this thought out of your head right now because this is a lie.

Your dentists in the childhood let things get this bad for you. For having treated you this way and having forced you into treatment.
Your family let things get this bad for you. For not taking care of your needs and helping you in the state of fear and hopelessness.
Your last dentist let things get this bad for you. For not having treated you with respect and not having validated the huge step you were going.. and by the way, his behavior is just disgusting, I'm speachless.

I understand that as you were a child there was a very different standard in dentistry and education (this was the case with many of us) but this is different now. No dentist who takes his job seriously and complies with ethical standards will ever treat you how the last one did. And no dentist will ever force you into anything. And there are just so many kind dentists out there who dedicated their work to nervous patients and will just be happy to help you with your fear and validate the courage you have.
The most dentists for nervous patients will be happy to just chat with you and listen to your worries and past experiences at the first visit and they will understand how difficult it is for you.

You are in the best company here in this community and I hope that reading the posts and seeing the progress so many here have made will give you some hope and help you to process all the bad experiences and move forward in tiny steps.

All the best wishes and let us know how you are doing..

Hi. I want you to know that I understand exactly how you feel. Literally. My mouth was in terrible shape. Half of my teeth missing, bad gums, and what I had left was barely in fair shape. I had been told I needed to have all of my remaining teeth extracted and to get dentures by a dentist I went to after 19 years or so of not going at all. Broke single mom, major fear of dentists, and yes some neglect on my part as well. I moved cross country so I had to find someone here to go to and discuss getting my extractions and dentures. Talk about humiliating! I went online and saw an ad for a compassionate dentist and thought YES I’ll go to go
him.

In short, it was my worse nightmare come true. He looked at my mouth took X-rays, made shocked and horrified ugly faces at me and proceeded to tell me that my mouth was the worst he had ever seen in his 25 years of being a dentist. I wanted to crawl inside myself and die. It took every ounce of courage I had to let him look at me and ask him for help, and that’s what happened to me. He said that I should look around and find someone else willing to work on my mouth because he didn’t know what to tell me. In retrospect I should have told him he’s an unethical swine and to go to Hell, but my self worth was so below basement at that point I thanked him for his time and left. I sat in my car just staring at the building for over an hour, unable to do anything but shake and cry. I was devestated.

I drove home and told my husband and he told
me not to give up and helped me find another dentist, this time an implant specialist because I had determined I want the all on 4 implant procedure instead of dentures. Well long story short that guy wasn’t much better. Told me I needed to see an oral surgeon to pull my teeth then I could see him and talk implants even though he had advertised that he pulls remaining teeth and does implants all in one day. That was in the beginning of summer and I was so sick and anxious and devastated for a good month. I couldn’t even enjoy myself, my entire world revolved around my mouth.

Meanwhile, I lost more teeth. I was in constant pain of some sort, and I couldn’t chew worth a damn anymore. I found the strength to research one more time. This time I said the hell with the regular dentists and went for a Prosthodontist. They specialize in worst case scenarios and total mouth reconstruction. The office also said they help with patients who have dental anxiety. I was still scared to death. I didn’t want to go. I cried and cried every day leading up to my appointment and wanted to cancel 1,000 times. What forced me to give it one more try is that I knew I wasn’t going to get any better and I couldn’t take the fear and anxiety or daily pain of living with missing teeth and unhealthy gums.
My Prosthodontist is thorough, professional and good at what he does and told me I had major bone loss and would need bone grafting before implants could be placed. The other dentists who saw me probably were in over their heads but instead of telling me that they made me feel small. What they did is disgusting and unethical and there is no excuse for it. What they should have done is compassionately referred me to someone who could help me instead of dismissing me like that. I had my extractions and grafting done in September and I’m waiting now for the implants.

I told you my story because I want you to know that even if the worst happens and a dentist scolds you or humiliates you, you can survive it. You can move on, and you can find the best dentist for your needs and you don’t have to settle for a jerk. And you shouldn’t. You are entitled to the best care possible. The first thing my Prosthodontist said before he even looked in my mouth was “ I want you to always feel free to tell me if me or one of my staff has treated you in any way that has made you feel uncomfortable, and we will deal with it right away.” I immediately knew my experience was going to be different. I can’t say I love the guy because I still hate having anything to do with dentists or dental work, but I know I’m in the best hands possible and that’s the kind of confidence you want to have in a dental professional.

I finally plucked up the courage to email a local dentist, I have to get seen somehow as my gum is so painful. I put all the details of my situation in the email and said that obviously I was willing to pay whatever it cost, even if it meant paying for a double first appointment so that the dentist would have time to talk to me.

Within half an hour I received a reply which is obviously the standard reply to all enquiries. It basically says that if I want to register at the practice then I should go down and fill out the paperwork. I can’t do that as it will mean talking in front of other patients in the waiting room. It’s impossible for me to just register and turn up for a regular first consultation without being sure that the dentist is aware of my situation so feel worse now than I did before sending the email.

I just don’t know where to go from here.

Sorry to hear this, Chrissy - you wrote them about your situation and made clear what you need and basically offered to pay whatever they want and got an automatic reply. That's a no go and tells a lot about the practice and their ability to help you with your fear.

Of course you do not feel able to just walk into the practice and register, this inability is what separates people with severe dental anxiety from the ones that can cope with regular visits..

Have you thought of emailing an another practice?

There is a section for dentist recommendation on the forum, maybe you already took a look, maybe not:


Maybe there is some nervous patient friendly practice not too far from you?

I wished you would get a better reply from that practice, I know how hard it is to send an email and how dissapointing it is that they didn't reply like you hoped them to. But maybe it's the way it should be and hopefully you will find a good nervous patient friendly practice as soon as possible. Please do not lose hope and courage, sometimes it just takes few attempts to find the right dentist..

Sending you prayers and good wishes..

Hey Chrissy,

I completely understand where you are coming from as the same thing has been happening to me. I build up the courage to open myself up and have poured my heart out in a few emails. The response? A simple "Call the clinic to book an appointment". It was such a let down and left me feeling horrible.

I wish dentists were a bit more attentive in their responses and demonstrated some acknowledgement of how difficult it is for some of us to even send an email.

Keep trying. Once you find the right dentist it will be all worth it.

First of all - let me say that I understand, I really do. I have a hard time calling on the phone, I'm petrified of the dentist, and it's all just horrifying. I can't do it. Email communication or messages passed through a third party is as good as I can get. Because phobia.

But.

That empathy needs to extend to the dentist, too. Usually those extensive emails are things that hit the receptionist/main office email. Then the dentist has to sit down, read, come up with a reply, write the reply, often have an ongoing discussion either in their off time or taking up time when they could and should be seeing patients. For someone who is not a patient (yet) and for free.

That is a really big ask.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want or ask for it (gosh knows I do!) but I don't think not being able or wanting to do so is 'bad' on the part of the dentist, either. "Call and make an appointment" means 'if you want to come in for a face to face consult, by all means and I am here, but you need to pay for my time" and that's... totally understandable.

Or maybe I understand so well because I often have people asking for my professional time and services for free, without quite realizing they're doing that - and also without realizing that not only are they not paying me, if I gave them that time and attention I would be losing money from my PAYING clients.

Becky - I understand your point regarding the dentist's perspective.

I can only speak for myself and my situation, but a simple "we understand it's hard..we deal with a lot of nervous patients..come in and we'll look after you" or something to that effect would have done wonders, gaining them a customer who would be paying thousands for their services. I'm not even wishing to communicate with the dentist. I agree it would be unreasonable for the dentist or their staff to put in extensive amounts of time communicating with someone they have no guarantee will take it any further. Just a few extra words would do. Maybe that's too much to ask?

I do think that it is unwise for dentists (or anyone working with people and their health) to take a fairly cold, business approach with patients (potential or otherwise). I've been researching a lot of dentists and looking at their facebook pages and their communications with people. Fortunately, rather than treating anyone who wants a bit of initial communication as freeloaders, quite a few of them seem to be willing to take the time to have a chat before booking a consult.

Or not. I guess I have the choice, as a potential customer who will be paying thousands of dollars for treatment, to make the judgement that a dental clinic that can't take an extra ten seconds to give a bit more than "call *phone number*" would probably treat me as just another customer and not as an individual. And therefore, I'll take my money elsewhere.

By accident I came across a local dentist online which mentions very nervous patients on their main page. I emailed them earlier and got a reply asking if I could phone for a chat. Managed it somehow and spoke to a very kind lady and, after discussion, I’m going tomorrow morning just for a chat with the dentist where we can discuss my issues and he can explain the way forward. I’m absolutely terrified but I’m determined to go (although I’ll probably end up blubbing like a baby). Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post in this thread. I will update tomorrow

Wow, Chrissy, what a good news! so happy to hear that you have a place to go! And you have managed to talk to them on the phone, that's great! And they agreed to just have a chat, very nice.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Blubbing like a baby is great, otherwise you would get disqualified as a nervous patient.

All the best and well done, your determination is inspiring.

ChrissyR said:

By accident I came across a local dentist online which mentions very nervous patients on their main page. I emailed them earlier and got a reply asking if I could phone for a chat. Managed it somehow and spoke to a very kind lady and, after discussion, I’m going tomorrow morning just for a chat with the dentist where we can discuss my issues and he can explain the way forward. I’m absolutely terrified but I’m determined to go (although I’ll probably end up blubbing like a baby). Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post in this thread. I will update tomorrow

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That’s excellent you have found a dentist who is willing to look at you as more than just a mouth to fix, as that was very important to me as well. It’s okay to be afraid and it’s even okay to shed a few tears, the important thing is you’re taking this very important step! Well done! ?

I truly hope this dentist is the one you've been waiting for. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!!

Fantastic! Hope it goes well!

I am a nervous wreck, feeling sick and dizzy. Leaving in 45 minutes.

Thinking of you!

I’m almost too scared to actually put this down in writing in case it makes it not true and I wake up and realise I’ve been dreaming.

I was in such a state this morning. Hubby drove me there and traffic was bad so, by the time we got there, I needed to go straight in. After my phone call yesterday they were obviously well aware of what I was like and the receptionist was lovely. She asked me to fill in some paperwork and, while I was doing that, the front door opened and a man walked in. Turned out it was the dentist I was there to see and she told him who I was. He came over to say hello and, shortly after that, called me through.

Because I was only there for a chat I just assumed that it wouldn’t actually be in the normal dentist room. Turned out it was which threw me a bit but he said that I didn’t have to sit in the actual chair if I didn’t want to. I decided that I should try and sit in the dreaded chair if I could. There was a nurse in there as well who also did her best to put me at ease. He spent ages talking to me which really helped and then he asked if I would be ok with him looking in my mouth. I think because he had been chatting so casually with me I found myself saying yes.

Turns out I don’t need as much doing as I was sure I would which has knocked me for six. I have special mouthwash which I have to use for 2 weeks and then I’m going back and he is going to do a thorough clean and then afterwards he said we will talk about the bits of work I need doing.

I literally floated out of there and to be honest I don’t think I’ve come back down yet. I can’t believe I’ve actually done it and my head is still spinning. I’m so grateful for the support I’ve been getting on here so thank you all.