• Dental Phobia Support

    Welcome! This is an online support group for anyone who is has a severe fear of the dentist or dental treatment. Please note that this is NOT a general dental problems or health anxiety forum! You can find a list of them here.

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So scared :(

S

Scared Bunny

Junior member
Joined
Mar 6, 2009
Messages
3
I’m so glad I have found this forum.
Thank you in advance to everyone who created it and everyone who posts !

I think this may be a long post so please get a cuppa and get comfy if you don’t mind reading on.

I have been scared out of my wits about going to the dentist for as long as I can remember.
I did used to go as a child, my mum would take me to our dentist, who was for all tense and purposes a lunatic Scottish guy who was amazingly quick and put up with me throwing up in the waiting room before every appointment. I wouldn’t say he was someone who understood patients with fear or anything like that, he just had a way of putting me at ease and getting on with whatever he was doing while talking to me about everything and nothing at the same time. I do believe however that I wouldn’t of gone had it not been for my mum taking me, as as a child I did as I was told, like most of use used to I guess, if I had to go, then I went, I wasn’t about to argue about it, so I cried, threw up and shivered for the next hour or so until it was over. Luckily my mum would never tell me I was going until she picked me up from school and took me a slightly different way home…It wasn’t until we turned left instead of right at a certain set of traffic lights that I knew what was happening next ! so I only had about 10/15mins of panic before I actually got in the chair.

Since I left home, well before that actually, since I got to an age where my mum wasn’t able to organise things for me anymore I have only been to the dentist once, I’m now 33.
I went once as I had broken a tooth, molar right at the back on my left side and I was in a lot of pain with what I felt was not a lot of choice at time other to get it sorted. Luckily my old dentist was still around, I was 23 at the time and took my mum with me, right into the treatment room, she stood at the bottom of the chair and lent against my feet so I knew she was there. He knew I would never make it back to have any kind of cap etc done to the tooth, so he ground the sharp bit off that was cutting my tongue, drilled it out and filled it. So I have one molar missing one of its points if you know what I mean. I left the dentist perfectly happy that I wouldn’t have to go back for more treatment.

10 years later and I haven’t been since, my old dentist has long since retired and I have had no idea where to go. My fear has gradually got worse and worse to the point where just thinking about the fact I know I really need to go again has my in tears, panicking and loosing sleep.
Today I’m ok, I feel like I have found somewhere where hopefully I can make some progress, I really need to as I have another molar broken on the left side of my mouth – no pain at all, but its causing an issue with the way its broken and food getting trapped to the point where I end up faffing with a tooth pick after every meal to sort it out. I also now have a molar on my right side going bad, I can see a crack forming in the tooth and am rapidly loosing sides of my mouth I can chew on to eat !
I have no pain as such, the right side is a bit sensitive but nothing major….not so much that it has forced me to get it done.
I’m desperate to get over this fear and find someone who can help me.

I have spent so long thinking I’m a complete nut case, with a totally irrational fear, brought on mainly by conversation with people who just don’t understand how it feel and with dentists I have managed to get my self to email and haven’t provided the support I’m looking for, in some cases bringing on a panic attack with their idea of solutions for me.
My fear revolves around a loss of control issue, I can say I’m not a control freak in my everyday life, but I cant cope to any degree with thought of sedation (which seems to be the standard from most dentists when they think you will jump up out of the chair at any moment) or with the chair being put back to a angle where I cant get up. If I could sit up and receive treatment, I would go now.

I haven’t yet found a dentist who seems to understand this and feel like I’m stuck with these panic attacks and sweats forever.
I’m desperate to get over this and really need to find someone who can help me.
I don’t mind if the dentist isn’t local to me (I’m in Sussex) I’m happy to take time off to go to someone I know will help and wont try and sedate me at their first opportunity and will let me bring my mum, husband or teddy bear (which makes me so embarrassed at 33 !) into the treatment room with me if I feel I need them.
I have to say that the actual dental procedures although scary in their own way don’t feel me with the same sense of dread that the chair does. If I can get over that then I am not going to jump up and run away when they put a drill in my mouth etc… I just don’t want to and cant bring myself to lay down, at all.
I am happy to have an injection where needed for local anethestic where the tooth is being treated, but I can not be sedated overall, I’d never go again if a dentist sedated me and I felt I had no control over my body.

Right, I’ll stop waffling now as I’m starting to panic myself again and let you all get back to work.

Hopefully I’ll be able to post in the success story section at some point. I really want to.

Thank you for reading/listening to me.

Scared Bunny
:cry:
 
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Hi there,
So glad you decided to post. Its always a great first step (more like a first leap) and it allows the support you need to find you.
Fears are never irrational. There is always a reason though some may be well hidden in the unconscious mind and so difficult to access. Sometimes it can be helpful to allow the fear feelings to come up and feeling it say out loud what you are feeling and then say "this feeling is just like when...." and see if you can finish the sentence. This may bring to light an incident or circumstance which explains why you feel the way you do.
Fear like this is intelligent. When any of us have an unpleasant experience whether its being out of control or something else, we are not wanting to repeat it and any situation which triggers the memory (hidden in the unconscious many times) sets up the the pattern of panic.
So please do not put yourself down because this arises and realise that you are an intelligent person who naturally wishes to avoid unpleasant experiences.
Many of the experiences happen in childhood and the child, feeling very powerless in the situation, makes the decision to avoid the situation in the future. This is very sensible. Now, however is different. You are capable of speaking up for yourself and telling your story (as you have done) and asking for help (as you have done). So this is exactly how to handle the fears of the past. Again very intelligent behaviour!
So well done again and accept my apologies on behalf of some unthinking, uncaring behaviour by some adult in the past which allowed the pattern to get set up. It is not here in the present but only a memory so it can be allowed to fade.
Remember to tell the dentist your story and tell him/her what you need to help you overcome it!
With very best wishes,
Philip.
 
Good Morning:

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it was very difficult to recall the events for telling.

Your reactions are not unusual. I can understand the control issues. Treatment was forced on you as a child. The treatment you received may have been well intentioned, but, nonetheless was abusive.

Here is an overview of the biology. When you are in a peak emotional state, i.e., abject terror, some amazing things happen. Zeroing in on the one that contributes to the reaction. During the terror cycle you go into a self-protection mode called "fight or flight."

During this cycle levels of epinephrine levels go off the scale. One of the things this chemical does is cause the binding of memory. It basically "fixes" the memory.

The event gets put on the "life-threatening" event list. When you encounter any element of the stimulus the terror cycle runs.

You revert to a child mode with the terror as real as it was when you encountered it. Many people say, "Just get over it, you are an adult." However, it does not work that way. Your brain is using old tools to protect you from what it sees as a real "gonna kill me" event.

You can conquer the fear, but it takes work. It does not happen overnight.
Here is a list of what does not work:

Avoidance. This reinforces the reality of the fear and gives it strength.
Belittlement. You can not shame yourself out of anxiety. The self-esteem and self-confidence needs to be built up, not torn down.
Listening to Clods. People that do not understand this issue tend to ridicule and shake their heads because you are being a "baby." You need support and encouragement not uncaring remarks.

You are taking some of the most difficult steps, acknowledging the problem and seeking help. You have no idea how big of a step this is. Anxiety thrives on hopelessness and helplessness. Taking positive action starts to rob the anxiety of power. It takes incredible courage to face your fears.

You can do this. You are not abnormal. Anxiety is a major problem all over the world. You experienced real trauma. This is one reason I campaign for dentists to learn how to help patients with anxiety.

Fortunately, this forum has dentists like PhillipC, Gordon, Zzz dentists, Drmike and others that are reforming their profession. God bless you for your efforts.

You are going to be OK. You can master this. You do not have to live in the grip of terror. This forum is a safe harbor for people with poor dental experiences.

If I can do anything to help, please let me know.

You are on the road to freedom, well done.

All the best to you and take care. :)
 
Hi Scaredbunny
:welcome:
You've received great advice from Phillip and Stressdoc as to why you may have this fear and how it is a normal biological reaction but the way forward is to find the right dentist for you.

I'm intrigued as you didn't sound that negative in your account of your old dentist and say you were disappointed when he had retired...a case of 'better the devil you know' I suppose. You don't mention pain being an issue at all...you just homed in on lack of control....and fear of having to lie back....is there anything else? You said you'd go tomorrow if you could find someone who could work with the chair in a more upright position ...is it really as simple as that?

Philip and Stressdoc didn't comment on chair position, I seem to recall it has been said before that your preferences can be accommodated to some extent but the modern way is to teach the 'sun lounger approach' rather than 'sit up and beg' ....in the 1960s, you were pretty upright, could see everything, and the dentist stood behind you to work. Now they sit, so the patient needs to be slightly lower. I think it depends what they are doing as well...some things are more easily done standing up than others and it depends what the dentist is used to...an older dentist might find it easier to accommodate....having been used to both approaches. My current dentist trained in 1980s and doesn't tip me that far back - definitely not horizontal.

I really think though that this can be overcome as can all dental fears simply by finding a practitioner you like and trust on a personal level who will take the extra time to accommodate your preferences (as far as is possible)...for instance relaxation exercises and maybe even a spot of hypnosis coupled with a stop signal (i.e. you are in control and can sit up take a break whenever you want) would work for you....your historic experiences sound like it was a case of you submitting to treatment which was quickly over...but you felt sick throughout and no one addressed your fear beyond coaxing a frightened child into the chair.

You may have preferences as to a treatment room with the chair facing a window or a door...whether the door be left open or closed....etc etc You may find in addition to your teddy bear, a blanket helps you feel less vulnerable in a slightly reclined position.

You say you have contacted some dentists by email and their suggestions have not suited you...what were these suggestions? Sedation? People with control issues usually don't find a solution in sedation (although there are different kinds and degrees so don't rule it out) but you just need someone you like and trust who will go at your pace...are you able to use a private dentist because if so, it will be so much easier to find someone able to spend the time you need?

Do you think you'd prefer a male or female dentist? Just as when you were a child, there is no reason you can't take another person along with you, sometimes though it is easier to 'bond' with the 'prospective dentist' if you chat alone, purely on the 'Two's Company, Three's a crowd' principle.
If your fear is extreme, it is a good idea to take a trusted individual along for moral support. You don't want them to be in the same role as your mother though if you feel she was coercive rather than supportive back then in any way?
You are doing this for your own good, your health, treatment can be entirely painfree and taken at your pace with you in control but to achieve this you have to find the right dentist for you and we can help. :grouphug:
 
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Thank you everyone so much for your kind words of support, including those who have PM’d me :XXLhug:

I’ve never really thought of my mum as forcing me to get treatment, although I guess she did, in theory to help me, but it must have had an impact on me.
Its funny that I don’t regard my old in a negative way, like you say, its kind of better the devil you know…..and he never hurt me, to be honest, no dentist has ever put me through pain. I don’t fear the pain, I fear the chair. I always remember sitting in the chair and being ok at first then as it starts to recline I start get nervous, then it reaches a point where it goes way passed my comfort zone, it tilts back to the point where you can no longer get up if you wanted it…the whole time I lay there I’m scared stiff in silence, wishing it was over, which means I’m not bothered what he’s doing to some degree I just want him to sit me up …I’m not going to leap up and run around screaming, I just want to be sat at an angel where I can see more than the ceiling.

I do believe this is something I need to overcome on my own, as in not take someone with me, as you’re right that its easier to talk to someone without a third party there and I want to do it on my own and feel like I achieved something rather than just went along because I had to and was brave because someone else was there with me. I don’t think I will progress from the state I’m in now if I don’t do this alone.



I see people with good teeth and wonder why on earth cant I be like them, why cant I just suck it up and go, why aren’t I normal…..thank you for reiterating that I am not abnormal, which if I was thinking rationally I would realise….the rest of my life is pretty normal…if there is such a thing !

Yes, every dentist I have contacted, eve those that state they help people with fear have all suggested that I bring someone with me and that they sedate me. I’m sorry but the thought of that just brings me out in a cold sweat and the phrase, bringing a lamb to the slaughter enters my head.
I can just imagine laying there not in control of my body but awake enough to know that something is happening to me and I cant do anything about it, I would also end up resenting the person I took with me, albeit my choice to take them, I can see them ending up in my head as the person standing in the corner watching it all happen and not helping me.

I don’t think I have a preference for male or female, I have found that males can be slightly more sympathetic though, not sure why, I feel a bit like I’m being judged by females doctors/dentist etc …. The last dentist I contacted was female and so maybe I’m just a bit tainted by that. I don’t mind in a way though as long as they understand and I can trust them.

I have read somewhere on the forum that some dentists use distraction techniques and don’t mind you playing music etc…that sounds like something I might be ok to try, with my headphone one etc…if that’s possible.

I am totally fine to go private, I don’t really mind where or how much to some degree as long as I can go and not be scared so much I’m ill.

I know I need help and quite a few people (on here) have said that sometimes it’s the hardest step to admit you need help. I don’t have a problem saying I need help, my problem has always been finding someone/where that can help me. I’m so glad I found this site and everyone here, so very glad, thank you.

SB
:hidesbehindsofa:
 
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I will send a pm :XXLhug: about possible dentists.

Is it possible though that the dentists you have tried so far by email....offer various sedation options and so that's what they have suggested thinking that's what you want, when really you just want TLC, CONTROL, the ability to give a signal that you want to get up and take a break whenever you need to and to not be reclined anymore than is absolutely necessary?

Did you mention the chair position in your email? I know Mike Gow (in Glasgow I'm afraid lol) has said before that he suggests patients who don't like being reclined, sit up, wait for him to lower it and then lower themselves back..rather than it 'being done' to them.
Also a practice with a DVD on the ceiling could be a great distraction and much nicer to look at than the ceiling...it is amazing how many plush practices still have extremely boring ceilings lol!
I'm really pleased the Scottish guy didn't ever cause you pain - that's the way it should be!

Now off to do that 'pm'.
 
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Fantastic, thank you ! I look forward to reading it.

Yes i have told all the dentists that I have contacted the severity of my fear with the chair and also my loss of control issue and they have still said that they think sedation would be the best solution.
One dentist said that she didnt think any dentist would offer to help me as that proper treatment can not be given to a patient who wont lay down and any dentist who said they will treat me while sitting up (no matter what the angle) would not give me correct treatment, or would actually lay me down at some point anyway.
I can lay beack to some degree, like as far back as an office chair will go, i guess it depends one your office chair but mine goes back to a degree i would be ok with....i think.

SB
:shame:
 
There's only a degree of truth in that I'd say....since 'sit up and beg' was the actual chair position a few decades ago. I still think with someone you trust..allowing you to feel you can escape...and giving you control and with the security of distraction, a soothing blanket and having frequent breaks...you would be able to 'get over' the fear since it was caused by the childhood coercion albeit that no one actually physically forced you or hurt you.
You had to submit as a child...but now you do it on your own terms (within reason)..if there is sth where you do need to be more reclined..you agree the terms...60 secs max or whatever, then a break....if you trust your practitoner though...I suspect the fear of chair position would lessen. You are looking for a behavioural/TLC approach rather than sedation.

Why don't you post on denistry section and ask about chair position solutions and state you don't want any sedation?
 
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