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Confusing thoughts about my upcoming appointment

Enarete

Enarete

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Don't know where to start so I will just write straight forward, in the same confusing manner like my thoughts really are. I feel like a different person every day - almost every minute - and can't think of nothing else than my coming appointment but it seems to me that I am always looking at it as someone different - from the point of fear, the point of courage, the point of curiosity, sometimes even looking forward to it, sometimes scared to death, ashamed, guilty.

In my country I haven't find any practice who I felt I could trust so I have made the crazy decision to contact a dentist I felt would be the 'right' for me despite the practice being abroad. I don't care about the cost, I am sure I will somehow find the way, no matter what it takes. I would do anything to find a dentist I could trust, anywhere on the planet. We had an email contact and now I have an appointment coming in few weeks. He couldn't promise me to complete my treatment but agreed on completing an exam (just looking and maybe x-rays). The emails were so friendly and caring and at the same time very professional.

I wrote him about my past experiences and my dental fears and was so happy he would be willing to see me. I have such a hope with this practice. What I didn't write was that I am also scared of people coming close to me and that I freak out at the thought of somebody touching me. I wrote about my tendency to freeze and told him I was afraid of starting to cry but generally I was trying to stay as non-emotional as possible in my email so he wouldn't think I was crazy.

Now I am scared of

- the dentist and the stuff thinking I must be crazy and stupid to fly to an another country for a treatment
- telling the dentist about my fear of being touched and having people too close to me because he might understand that I experienced abuse and would refuse to treat me
- crying, shaking and behaving like a fool so that even if I manage the first appointment and even if they agreed on treating me I wouldn't be able to set a foot in the practice again
- the dentist noticing my panic because that would make me feel totally exposed
- the dentist not noticing my panic and treating me the wrong way
- the dentist thinking I was too complicated and refusing to treat me or treating me despite thinking I was too complicated - don’t know what would be worse
- a dozen of another fears that change every day


I didn’t know that there was a connection between abuse and dental fear - I have found out at this forum and suddenly all my fears make sense to me. But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want anybody to know whats wrong with me but at the same time I desperately want help. I know that a lot of my bad dentists experiences were my fault - I have never told a dentist I was anxious and I never stopped a treatment despite pain or feeling like drowning. And I always controlled myself so hard and then just freezed and stayed like that during the whole treatment. Then going home, crying for hours, sleeping for days and forgetting about it. I don’t want that all anymore. I wish a dentist would could treat me kindly. A place I can go for friendly checkups without fear. This dream we all have, right?


I am so scared of that all and don’t want to make a mistake. I feel like if I don’t say or do the right things at my first visit it will all go wrong. On the other hand I will go there no matter what. I will go through the door and no matter if I pass out or cry or shake - i will have my appointment and hope that they know how to work with that.
 
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Enarete

Enarete

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3 Weeks to my appointment. Everything is set, the flight and a hotel 5 minutes by walk from the practice. Will be there one day earlier so maybe I can try to near myself to the door of the practice to condition myself a bit... at night when nobody can see me of course.


Right now this feels like a war. The dangerous world.. I can't even trust my own thoughts. Fear is fear, not a prediction of future. Just my mind playing tricks on me and being very good at it. Today is the courageous day. I will win. I don't care about choking, panic attacks or passing out - I will somehow deliver myself to the reception no matter what and I won't leave before the time set for my appointment is over. And if I spend it shaking, crying or fainting in the waitingroom not being able to say a word - be it. If they work with anxious patients for such a long time I can't be the first who would act like this.


A lot of people pay a lot of money to feel like this - someone here in the forum said that and its soooo right! If I was about jumping out of a plane I would probably feel like this. There is a small voice (one of all the voices in my head) that tells me to enjoy the journey because it may be the last time I am so afraid of a dentist. After I had an appointment with somebody I feel I can trust it may be over. The scariest moment for me will be the dentist having any tool in this hand - approaching me while I am sitting in the chair. This thought makes me totally crazy. I hope so much somebody will talk me through that and that they won't make any fast movements during that part - like the dentist suddenly rolling on his chair my direction. As soon as I managed that I will be fine.

Few weeks ago I had an appointment with a dentist in my town who offers a fear therapy for phobic patients - first appointment without any examination just to build trust and talk about fears.
They put me directly into the chair. There were actually no other chair in the small room. The dentist was so arrogant and humiliating. He briefly asked me why I was nervous and my short 'bad experience'-answer was enough and he didn't ask me anything else. He guessed I was afraid of shots and 'offered' me to go without! I wasn't able to leave. I let him do the whole exam, xrays, pictures. I just zoned out and that was it. I wanted to take my life that weekend because I couldnt cope with the humiliation and embarassment. When I think about it it feels like a story I have read somewhere. Like it never happened but I get anxious on the street when I see someone with the hair colour and the stature of that dentist.

I still feel courageous. I will now go about my day and will try to keep the feeling as long as possible. This is a good start of the day. And I will now just post it and won't read it again to correct my grammar.
 
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Enarete

Enarete

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So my courage wanished for now and my worries are back. I think I am writing too much into this journal but it really helps me order my thoughts and makes me feel better.

I have some questions about the appointment and I would like to mail the dentist one more time but I don't want to bother. He already took enough time to answer my previous mails and I don't want to overdo that. There are going to be two dentists at my appointment (one of them speaks my language) and I am not sure if there will also be a nurse.. it feels quite scary to know that I will be in a room with three people and I am afraid that I would meet the two 'unknown' people first and the 'known' dentist last. I wished we could start with me and two other people and after I would catch my breath again, maybe 5 minutes or so the third person could come in. I am also a bit afraid that the room gets too crowded with us all. And I am terryfied of being with two dentists at once.

My second worry is.. that it will be the same like my last visit in my town. That they wouldn't chat with me at all and would want to do the exam directly. Me standing there like a fool with my dossier full of notes and analyse of my fears and all of that and at the end nobody will ask me a question and I get forced right into the chair. I wouldn't be able to leave if that happened. And I can't take anybody with me to look after me because I don't want anybody to see me like that. My boyfriend is flying with me but I won't let him go to the practice with me. What if the dentist forgets that I was nervous? Or will think that I am just a bit nervous and can cope with more than I can?

I feel guilty at the same time because I know that probably nothing of this is true and they are all nice people. This setting with the second dentist was probably meant like a help for me and now I am scared instead of appreciating it.

I feel like my English is so bad that nobody can go along with it but I will post it now anyway. I never was worried about my english but now.. I guess dental fear makes people insecure.
 
Enarete

Enarete

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I have sent the mail. My face is read and I feel like on drugs from all the adrenalin.
 
Enarete

Enarete

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Today is no good. I wake up panicking every day so the first thing in the morning I usually do is to grab my headphones and listen to some good music to calm myself down. After 30 minutes like this I am then able to get up. Today I woke up too late and couldn't do that so I had to spend my morning with all that anxiety.


I don't care about the answer to my mail anymore because I feel like its all lost. Every cell in my body is screaming. I am shaking. Just don't want to go. Don't want to see any dentist. Never. Just don't want. Can't. I want to cancel all and forget about it. But there is the flight and the hotel and my boyfriend and the days off. My past me seem to have known exactly how to make sure I would go. If the appointment was in my town I would have already canceled.


The practice felt so good and trustworthy to me all the time. I really thought that I won't be afraid to go there and was so happy as soon as the appointment was set. I was dreaming about going there for the rest of my life. Now it feels like a bad idea altogether.


I can't stop making up imaginery escaping strategies. The window in the lavatories. A window in any unoccupied treatment room. Crawling under the reception counter. Ok, obviously I have seen too many movies. Probably they would get me before I came out and that would be very embarrassing and definitely not a good first impression. Sounds funny and makes me feel a bit lighter. I wonder if they have made an experience with escaping patients. I think so.


Its three weeks to my appointment. If I am already freaking out like this now, how should I survive the appointment day? And how am I suppose to do my job and my life for the next weeks? I have nothing against the anxiety but could it just let me live my life for the next few weeks and come back before the appointment?
 
Enarete

Enarete

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Got an answer to my mail. I got scared and out of control when I saw it in my mailbox and decided to first calm myself down before I would read it so I can practice and also to find out how much time I need to get normal again after a panic moment. Alter 10 minutes I still was in panic but couln't wait any longer to read the mail.
The mail was so understanding and reassuring! So the dentist and the nurse will be present at all times and the second dentist comes in as soon as we all agree. I feel so relieved! Still very nervous but starting to trust the place.
Dear kind understanding reassuring gentle dentists out there: you are heroes. You save all the traumatized anxious souls out there and help them to find trust and happiness again.. thank you
 
Enarete

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My self-defence trainer says that personal security is all about following your gut feeling no matter what. If something feels wrong you have to listen to that subtle feeling and go out of the situation immediately. You always have to take good care of you in the first place. Not letting others or your own insecurities rushing you into anything. Never.

This is a very important point for me - in any situation and of course when it comes to my dental fear. I have never been able to stop anything. As soon as something goes wrong I just.. just do nothing. Freeze. Act compliant. Go through. Sure, as a child I couln't stop anything. In my childhood the only reaction that saved me from more damage was going through and not making any troubles so it wouldn't get worse. If I would cry my father would get even more violent so the best was not to cry.. to control myself.. just not making any trouble hoping it would be over. The best thing to do as a child but now I am not a child anymore and I am not weak anymore. I can stop whatever I dislike and nobody can force me into anything and this is a fact no matter what I experienced in the past.

I don't have to go to the dentist. Going would be great for my health but nobody can force me. And if I wish to go I can chose a practice I really like. Someone who feels safe. Caring. Friendly. And if despite the initial good impression anywhere during the visit I feel like things are going the wrong way, I can get out any time. Its my life and my decisions and I am the only person who can take care of myself. Nobody can force me into anything.

It feels like my real fear is the fear of somebody else ignoring my needs. But if I myself pay attention to my needs and take care of myself, nothing bad can happen. I always am in control.

The dentist seems to be great. He seems to care. This is the place I want to visit. I want to get treated at. I am still very nervous but I see it simply as a body reaction to my past. I have to stay calm in my mind and allow my body to do whatever it needs to do.

It feels good to trust. To know that they would never emotionally / physicaly hurt you or do anything that could cause you discomfort. To know that they would look well after you and care. The feeling that you can relax because there is no danger. The feeling of being accepted with all your thoughts, fears, the state of your teeth. The feeling of being welcome. The feeling that they know exactly what they do. The feeling of being treated like a human. This is the feeling I am looking for in a dental practice. And I won't let anybody having a look into my mouth before I have it.

I want the visit to be a success. If it feels bad I will leave and it will be a success because managing to leave if you do not like being treated like this is a success. It means you stand for yourself and that's great. If the visit will go well it will also be a success because I would finally have a dentist I feel ok with.

This journey is not supposed to be a journey about teeth and a treatment. I want it to be a journey of personal growth.
 
Enarete

Enarete

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I woke up with my heart racing today morning and my music didn’t help. Its Sunday so the whole town seems to be sleeping and we have cold dark foggy weather today which makes everything worse.
My plan about visiting the nice kind dentist is great but I have forgotten one important thing: he still is a dentist and we are there not just to talk but for him to have a look at my teeth. No matter how kind the guy is he wears gloves, a mask, knows how to work with creepy instruments and will want to put these things into my mouth. I am shaking, feel unable to breathe and can’t stop gagging.
He probably will offer me to have a look outside the chair. This would be tricky - the thought of a dentist having a look just somewhere in the room feels so embarrassing to me that I would insist on sitting in the chair for it to feel a bit more clinical. But I don’t want to go into the chair :( Which is silly because of course sooner or later I will have to anyway.
I am a control freak. I am so afraid and uncomfortable with things I am not familiar with or not prepared for so I always need to have a plan or to know which scenarios are possible. I would love to have a protocol of my visit in advance to exactly know what will happen and when. I can cope with anything - pain, discomfort, being treated unkindly- but I have to prepare for that. I cannot cope with fast changes and surprises and tend to freeze when they happen. This makes it hard because I of course have no idea how the dental team will be acting. They are an unknown in my planning equation and that’s making me scared.
The dentists I had in my past were very intimidating and never talked to me during a procedure. They would greet me at the beginning and shut up or start to talk with the nurse about private topics as soon as the chair started to get reclined and this always was the worse moment. I am terrified of this procedure of the dentist putting on the gloves and the mask, turning on the light, grabbing an instrument and moving to my direction - it’s the moment where I officially stop being a person and have nothing to decide and I start dissociating as soon as this happens. Being at someones mercy and having no possibility to leave. The question is - what could a dentist do to put me at ease? What would they say? How would that feel like? Is it even possible? Ok, I know it is must be possible because I know people who claim that their dentist talks them through, but can I really believe it?
My last dental visit was during the winter olympics few years back. The dentist was having a conversation with the nurse about curling and it was like I wasn’t there at all. I felt like drowning because there was a bit of liquid coming down into my throat because the suction instrument the nurse was holding was in the wrong place. The nurse didn’t notice because she was watching the game on tv and I didn’t know what to do but wasn't able to stop the treatment. Fortunately after few minutes she moved the instrument to the right place but the feeling of being completely ignored during a treatment stayed with me.


I know that my courageous thoughts will come back soon. I hope it will be today. Now I try to go about my day and find some distraction.
 
Enarete

Enarete

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The sun shines now, my hope is back and I am trying to reframe my fears as best I can.


I am realizing that I am nothing special. My fears feel so unique and so severe to me that it is easy to assume that the dentist never worked with somebody like me. This assumption must be totally wrong.


A dentist works with patients the whole day. With men, women, children, elderly, people with special conditions, with problems, with histories, preferences, different character traits. The most of them are somehow nervous or scared of the dentist or of the particular treatment.


I have no idea how long a average dental visit takes and how but lets say its 1 hour. I count that a dentist treats at least 7-9 patients a day. In 5 days its 35 - 45 different people! A year has 52 weeks. If I subtract 6 weeks for absence its 46 weeks. 46 Weeks and 35 - 45 people a week would mean that the dentist has 1.610 - 2.070 visits per year. Now this won’t all be new people. Lets say that every patient visits the dentist 3-4 times a week. This would mean 402 - 690 people every year. And I think dentistry can be a very intensive profession and probably I am totally underestimating the real amount of time but this are just my personal imaginary numbers.


I have read that in my country 70% of people have any kind of dental nervousness or fear and 12% suffer from phobia. 5% are avoiding dental care completely.


Means 281- 483 patient a year with any kind of nervousness and 48 - 82 people with severe phobia.


Well come on, there must have been at least few people with the same triggers and behavior patterns like mine! So many people! Now my hopefully kind caring sympathetic dentist has a 15-20 year experience. The counting gets difficult now because I can’t just multiply the 402 - 690 people with 15 - 20 years since a lot of this people are the same over the years but if I did that I would come to 6.030 - 13.800 visits. Thats a lot! Sooooo many people! And so many of them are scared, freezed, afraid to go into the chair, crying, shaking.


As the lovely receptionist said to me during the call for making an appointment: don’t worry too much.
 
Enarete

Enarete

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16 days to my appointment. My legs feel like jelly and I have difficulties to breathe. Gagging. No courage today, scared to death instead. I am freaking out. Not even imaginary worst case scenarios, just plain panic. How am I supposed to survive for two weeks like this? And what other options do I have? None. Have to go no matter what.
 
Enarete

Enarete

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Better to feel crazy than scared. So here is the reframed description of my situation:

Found a dentist whos picture looked nice to me so decided to travel few hundred miles to meet him. Now I am afraid that he would want to look at my teeth. End of the story.

Feeling out of my mind but at least not paralyzed anymore.
 
Enarete

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No fear right now.. just hope

Two weeks to my appointment. Right now I am not frightened. Just neutral curious and a little bit excited, but no discomfort. It even feels a bit strange.

I already know this feeling. Its a neutral feeling that comes after a period of intense worries and feels like I had no problem at all. As the time to my appointment gets shorter the panic will start again. It always has been like this. During the calm phase I sometimes even worry that I might have made it all up. Being no fearful patient at all. I worry to step into the practice calmly and full of confidence and what the team, expecting a phobic patient, would then think of me.

I am curious about the dental team. How will they be? And the dentist? This is the crazy part - have seen his picture and a video and have read his mails. How will it be to meet him in person? And will I get overwhelmed for a moment trying to unite all the impressions? Will the lovely receptionist that I talked to on the phone be there? And the nurse? Will she be nice? Talking to me? In my past experiences a nurse was like a ghost. Just the person helping with the instruments. She would say hi but nothing more. No talking, no care, just assisting the dentist. It's hard for me to imagine a nurse who would talk to me or ask me questions. Totally strange. It is also strange to imagine a dentist who would ask me questions. Or listening.. I don't know why but all my previous dentists weren't listening. I would start to explain what was wrong with my tooth and they would get unpatient and wanting to recline the chair and have a look imediately. I felt like bothering and made my explanations as brief as possible.

Last years I have dreamed about teeth and dental visits a lot. Suprisingly the most of the dreams have been about having a nice understanding dentist. These ones have always been the most devastating for me - waking up knowing that it would never come true and that the only visit I can get in reality is the intimidating concentrated rushing cold denstist who doesn't have time for being human. I have hope now...
 
A

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I just wanted to let you know that I'm following along what you're writing in your journal and support you 100% in your journey to healing. You're very courageous indeed. Keep the faith.
 
Enarete

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Anxious76: Thank you so much

Your words are so encouraging!
 
Enarete

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13 days to my appointment and feeling desperate.

I think I should be able to explain my fears and make a hierarchy from the lightest fear to the biggest so that the dentist can, if they agree to complete my treatment, find a strategy to move forward without me getting overwhelmed or getting a panic attack.

Right now I feel overwhelmed with the whole situation. I can't say which fears are the lightest and which fears the worst. Right now I can imagine getting an injection, but am freaking out about a 'normal' examination and it all doesn't make sense. I can imagine getting a cleaning but am terrified of the dentist wearing a blue shirt.

I feel like there is no way how they could work with me and it all will just be embarrassing and a horrible experience. I feel like having to prove myself for them to accept me as a patient. Applying for getting treated. I am afraid they will reject me.

I like the story once posted by comfortdentist about an appointment with a teenage girl who was crying and wouldn't look or talk to him at the beginning of an appointment. I am not a teenage girl anymore but I like the idea that a dentist would be able to find a way even to someone who gets completely blocked.

As I was sitting in the waiting room during my last appointment the dentist came in to greet an another patient who also was sitting there. I got frozen like never before in my life. I would stare into space in front of me, hearing my heart beating fast being unable to move and having dificulty to breathe. I would percieve the dentist and acknowledge that it would be appropriate to look at him and say hello since we are in the same room and at the same time desperate because it just wasn't possible. I would feel like the time has stopped. Hoping that the dentist wouldn't notice me (impossible in a small waiting room which has 5 chairs altogether). I would wish to stay there like this for hours til the practice closes and the light goes off. I would wish for everybody just to let me be and forget about me.
This was my last appointment and I never experienced such a reaction before. Now the last appointment went terribly wrong. Now I wonder: what reaction will I have at my next appoinment? What if the panic will go further? And what would further feel like? Could I even die?

And wouldn't it be better to just let go of trying?
 
Enarete

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I have never told somebody about my fear before because I felt too embarassed about it. And I would feel too exposed if someone knew. I have kept writing a diary for 16 years and there is not even one sentence about this. Few weeks ago I wanted to write about my fear for the first time and I needed half an hour to get the courage to put it on the paper and even then I used general formulations so that it would sound harmless. Being ashamed of telling my diary... how crazy is that?!

Of course during my past treatments I have never told a dentist. How exposed would I feel? Sitting in the chair 'under' two people I don't know. This people know my medical history and allergies, they know my teeth, they can do basically whatever they want to me and then I even should tell them how I feel? The only thing I have full control about are my thoughts and my reactions and now I should give them even that? I can't. This is impossible. I have to keep the last piece of control for me. A last piece of secret.

In the last weeks I managed to speak openly about it - at least because the people I spend my time with wanted to know whats wrong with me since the symptoms don't let me live a normal life at the moment. Talking about it with some friends is ok, because I can chose what to say and how to say it and I can change the topic anytime.

But what about my first visit to the new dentist? So they already know I am nervous. They'll initially give me a questionnaire about my medical conditions and allergies and personal data and I am supposed to be honest - at a point where I haven't met the dentist yet and can't say if I really trust them or not . Then they put me into a closed room with the dentist and the nurse and we will probably talk a bit further about my medical and dental history and I am supposed to be honest. And then I should talk about my fears? Openly and honestly? I should tell them my triggers? My worst nightmares and my past experiences? Basically giving someone an instruction about what exactly needs to be done to put me out of order and induce a panic attack? This is scary. And I have no choice because if I don't do that they won't be able to help me. This really is scary.

Am I crazy? Or is this 'normal' when having dental fear? And am I going to spend 11 day with thoughts like this?
 
Enarete

Enarete

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And what a surprise.. few hours later and I already feel better. What a rollercoaster. Its always the same: fear - courage - fear - courage - panic - anger - desperation - neutrality - courage and that all over and over again.

I am sitting in the library, right next to the window. Listening to soft music looking out and watching the rain and the trees and the cars driving by. I feel so paceful and think about how beautiful life can be and how the anxiety only is a small part of everything. I can accept it and I can go with it at the moments of being overwhelmed but the important thing to remember is that I am not it. It doesn't matter how bad the anxiety feels and how overwhelming my thoughts are - I am much more than just my anxiety. I am not my dental fear, I am a human being. With a life, a job, dreams, goals, feelings, preferences, things and people I love. It's very tempting to start to identify with the anxiety to the point of not being able to see anything else but I have to remind myself that I am much more.
 
krlovesherkids777

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This is soooo beautifully said.!!! Thank you so much for sharing this!! You help me and I'm sure so many who look but don't say!! Thank you.!
 
Aurora10

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And what a surprise.. few hours later and I already feel better. What a rollercoaster. Its always the same: fear - courage - fear - courage - panic - anger - desperation - neutrality - courage and that all over and over again.

I am sitting in the library, right next to the window. Listening to soft music looking out and watching the rain and the trees and the cars driving by. I feel so paceful and think about how beautiful life can be and how the anxiety only is a small part of everything. I can accept it and I can go with it at the moments of being overwhelmed but the important thing to remember is that I am not it. It doesn't matter how bad the anxiety feels and how overwhelming my thoughts are - I am much more than just my anxiety. I am not my dental fear, I am a human being. With a life, a job, dreams, goals, feelings, preferences, things and people I love. It's very tempting to start to identify with the anxiety to the point of not being able to see anything else but I have to remind myself that I am much more.
Youre so right, thank you for these wise words. Today I'm feeling completely helpless because I've just been reading horror stories of people who've had horrendous side effects with it sedstion. I don't know what I'm going to do, I was scheduled for iv on Wednesday but now I'm wanting to cancel. And then what if my dentist takes offence....:cry:
 
Enarete

Enarete

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Aurora,

I am so sorry to hear that. Have sent you a pm.
 
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