Dad Doesn't Understand - or Care

[ariinya]

So, from the last time I saw the dentist (6 months ago) it was reported that I had a cavity. Still have it, because we could never find a time to get it taken care of. Now, tomorrow, we're going BACK for the seasonal checkup, and I'm so afraid my hands are shaking as I write this (lots of correcting going on). Six months ago, my dad TRIED to make me get the cavity taken care of right then and there. If I hadn't found the magic of laughing gas during an emergency trip to ANOTHER dentist (ours was closed) I would have been forced to acquiesce.

My dentist doesn't use the gas, but he knows another nearby who does. That appointment just never got made. I think my dad was REALLY pissed that I wouldn't just allow my regular dentist to see to the cavity then and there. My dad doesn't seem to have any fears at all. When I was little and deathly afraid of lightning and thunder, he would imitate it. Now, he imitates the sound of the drill, which frightens me much more.

The last time I tried to get a cavity taken care of by my normal dentist (who is a wonderful, WONDERFUL guy who really cares about us), my adrenaline kept burning off the shots he gave me. I was past six shots, and I could still feel it. He got mostly through when the last shot stopped working. He said we were close to being done, and could he just continue? I said yes... and boy, have I ever regretted it since. The ONLY thing that hurts more than getting a tooth drilled without anesthetic is a really bad migraine.

I don't know what to do... we're going Monday, and I probably have more cavities. My dad is going to keep insisting that I just get them done, but I'm so scared. I get panic attacks anyway, so this naturally triggers one. My heart races, I hyperventilate, my palms get sweaty, and I start to cry; none of which softens my dad. He tells me to stop acting like an idiot.

I miss my mom... she died two years ago, and she UNDERSTOOD me so well. And that laughing gas (sorry, I don't know the technical name for it) works REALLY well. It relaxes me and allows the shot to work like it should. I'm getting so scared for tomorrow. I know what to expect from my dad - absolutely nothing. How do I make him understand my fears?

 

[lizzieboo]

Hi Ariinya,
I'm so sorry to read that you are so worried about your appointment tomorrow....and so sorry too to hear that you lost you Mom 2 years ago. Do you mind me asking how old you are? It certainly sounds like your Dad doesn't understand your fears.....but I'm sure he DOES care. In my own experience, I have found that unless loved ones share your fear, it is almost impossible for them to understand. But there are plenty of people on this forum who DO understand....and indeed share the fear too. Presumably you are old enough to go into the dentists room by yourself?? Could you write a note to take with you explaining your fears, and let the dentist read it? This could be private between you and your dentist, and I'm sure he would be sympathetic and sensitive to your needs. As for making your Dad understand you........I really don't know what to suggest, other than allowing him to know you have written on this forum, and letting him read other peoples posts......many of which are adults with the same fears as you! I realise that this is very difficult to do. I couldn't allow my husband to read things I have written on here. In fact he knows nothing about this site. He just knows that I have been receiving help and support "online". PLEASE try not to be too scared about tomorrow. The anticipation is usually MUCH worse than the reality. Please let us know how you get on x

 

[Deejay]

Hello and welcome,
I think your dad does care very much if he didn't he wouldn't bother with the dentist and wanting your teeth fixed I just think maybe men sometimes find it hard to show the more sympathetic side of themselves, do you have an auntie or grandma that would help you through your appointment, either by going with you or listening to your fears and maybe even chatting to your dad? Either way you need to let your dentist know how strong your fears are and see if he will refer you to this other dentist or help you get the treatment you need, it also makes it easier for the dentist to treat you if you are calm in the chair, you do not say your age so not sure if you would be able to have anything prescribed by a dr to help with your nerves, can you email the dentists or as said above write down your fears and let the dentist know how you feel, you are the one getting treatment.
sending hugs, keep in touch
D.J

 

[ariinya]

Thanks guys... ^^

I'm 29, but with Asperger's Syndrome. So I'm on disability, and my dad is my caretaker. My last grandma died six weeks before my mom did, so it's basically just me and my dad. I really don't want to bother my aunt or uncle with this...

My dentist knows exactly how frightened I get. All the shots that one time clued him in, and also the crying. I'm a big crybaby, I just can't help it! I also don't mind saying that I'm on a wide array of medications for different things: anxiety, depression, Fibromyalgia, things like that. I'm a mess. ^^; However, the anxiety meds don't really help any longer. The ONLY way I'm comfortable getting cavities filled is with the gas; I've only had it used on me once, but wow, what a difference! One shot, no pain, no anxiety.

I'm not sure if this other dentist MY dentist suggested is a partner or whatever. When I said that I was really scared, and told him how the gas had helped that one time, he said I should go to him. My dad just... well... he kept saying "No, just get it done now." And I was just crying, my heart beating out of my chest, knowing how it would be if we tried it there.

Sorry for writing a novel. ^^; Because I'm so shy (due to the Asperger's), online is the only place I can REALLY say what I think. I know my dad simply doesn't understand, and that makes him upset with things... things like this, or my panic attacks and stuff. I sort of understand. I'm not allowed to drive due to fainting spells, so I can't go alone to doctor or dentist appointments. He has to take me to all of them. I would make things easier for him if I COULD, but on this issue... I can't. :\

Again, thanks for listening guys. I appreciate it more than you can ever know. Most of the time, I spill my troubles to my cats when my dad is at work (they're surprisingly attentive!), but they don't really help. Besides jumping into my lap and purring. That sort of helps. ^_^ So once more... thank you from the bottom of my heart!

 

[Deejay]

Hello again, I talk to my cats too but they just stare then blink slowly back at me xx
i know over here check ups are just check ups and you normally have to book in for treatment maybe this dentist will email the other dentist for you suggesting this cavity be fixed under Happy Air and explaining your problem with getting numb? Can you ring the dentist while your dad is out and have a word and explain, it's easier for the dentist and you if you are calm in the chair

 

[ariinya]

You know, it's GOOD that your cats blink slowly at you! That means they love you. I'm actually serious!!! I read it on a list!

And, er... your idea is good. Very good. But... I can't talk on the phone. Literally, it gives me a panic attack. Just one of those things that Asperger's does to me. -.-; In case you don't know, it's a very mild form of autism that makes it incredibly difficult to communicate with people. I rely on my dad for those things.

Which is why I said in my previous post that I understand why he gets upset with me. See, he's an engineer for the BNSF railroad. He gets to drive the trains!!! I'm totally proud of him about that. I don't want you guys getting the idea that I don't appreciate my dad or love him or something. And then, when he comes home, he has to take care of me. That mostly involves taking me to appointments, so he DOESN'T like having to make another one. He just sees it as more time that he has to take off from work. Then there's the part where HE isn't afraid of getting cavities filled, so he doesn't know what it is like to not simply be scared, but petrified. This is one thing I won't back down on, though.

Thanks for trying to help me, Deejay. I know I'm just turning everything around and merely explaining WHY I can't take your advice, but I appreciate it nonetheless. My appointment is actually TOMORROW, not today, so a one day reprieve, yay! Tell your kitties hello for me. ^_^ I love kitties. I've got four of my own, and I'm trying to get my dad to agree to adopt a fifth. What's one more, after all?!

 

[Tink]

Hi ariinya -

So sorry to hear your story, that sounds rough!

A couple or things spring to mind: the main one is that you are an adult and therefore entitled to make decisions about your own treatment yourself. You sound like you are more than capable of making your own decisions and you know what you want. Your Dad cannot decide for you and cannot force you to go through treatment that you are not happy with - the dentist will know and understand that.

I've had a tooth drilled with failed anaesthetic too, it's horrific, I can completely understand where you are coming from. Your dad may not agree, but it's not up to him, and nobody should be expected to endure that.

For what it's worth, my sister has Aspergers, so while I can't directly relate to that as I don't have it myself, I can understand a lot of where you're coming from. To some extent, I can also understand where your dad is coming from too, he just wants the best for you, but he can't quite get his head around what this is really like for you and it's probably very difficult for him to step aside and let you make your own decisions about healthcare. He does care. I see my parents struggling with similar issues with my sister sometimes.

Edited to add: if you can't talk on the phone, would you feel able to write to your dentist and explain your concerns? or just send him a link to this thread...

 

[kittykat]

Regarding your fear of calling and being shy, emailing the dental office will be a good way to communicate. I'm too shy to call so I email.

 

[Tink]

Hi ariinya, I was just thinking about you! Have you been to the dentist again? How did you get on? Hope things went ok x