Dealing with shame.

[JAB]

I have another dentist appointment coming up next week. I've been a dental phob my whole life, but now I can get through almost any procedure with a good, supportive dental team. However, I've never been able to get past my shame. I'm always ashamed to even be seen in a dental office, let alone leave anyone work on my teeth. But that shame is magnified beyond description if I need any work done. I feel like I'm such a dental health failure. My fear is that I will face the humiliation of needing more work done. Does anyone else feel this way, and how do you deal with it. Sometimes I feel like it's killing me. The shame is far worse than any procedure at this point.

 

[ReginaPhalange]

I get the impression most here have felt like that to some extent. Shame was probably one of the main things that stopped me from ever going until recently.

I think it helps viewing the dental team as just people doing their job, not there to judge me. I won't ever see them socially, and I'm not trying to impress them, they're there to help, providing a service, just like taking the car to a mechanic. It's what they trained for. There's no need for shame.

From what I've read (here and on the website of the dentist I finally chose), they understand many people are nervous for many reasons, and aren't there to judge.

I'm still very apprehensive about what lies ahead, but shame isn't as high on the list as it was. To be honest, I'm less ashamed now that if anyone mentions the dentist I won't have to say I don't have one.

I'm sure other more experienced members will be in a better position to help you. Meanwhile I hope the appointment goes well!

 

[kclady36]

I have another dentist appointment coming up next week. I've been a dental phob my whole life, but now I can get through almost any procedure with a good, supportive dental team. However, I've never been able to get past my shame. I'm always ashamed to even be seen in a dental office, let alone leave anyone work on my teeth. But that shame is magnified beyond description if I need any work done. I feel like I'm such a dental health failure. My fear is that I will face the humiliation of needing more work done. Does anyone else feel this way, and how do you deal with it. Sometimes I feel like it's killing me. The shame is far worse than any procedure at this point.

What helped me is talking to others and finding out it is not uncommon to have very bad teeth I was talking to the gal that owns this Chinese restaurant and while waiting for food I told her about my dentist for some reason and she told me she has $8,000. Of dental work needed. I felt better lol

 

[krlovesherkids777]

JAB.

I have dealt with Alot of shame for years in the dental arena.. intense shame, feeling less than lower than, quite terrible because of the state of my teeth..and it is quite a vulnerable thing to go get work done and have someone see your teeth/mouth. well. I have also heard that shame once exposed and spoken has far less power.. like when you talk about it, speak it , you give it less power. I know when I brought out my shame to my dentist and he reassured me it helped a ton.. and felt a big relief working with him. However I did have some quite embarrasssing moments at the state of my teeth when working on crowns.. I wrote about it here .I hope it might be any encouragement to you somehow..

https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/forum/threads/working-through-dental-shame.24280/

Alot of us understand and are here with you and for you!

 

[RJayne]

I don't know what state you're in, whether you need work, think you do, or are in a relatively good place health wise and just feel this way regardless, I just wanted to empathise so you know that other people feel the same and maybe less isolated.

I feel embarrassed /shame at needing anything done in any sphere of healthcare, I feel like I've failed in looking after myself which feels like the most basic failure of all, its the reason I struggle to communicate with health professionals.

I think it helps to know that most of the people helping you have trained for years and years to know how, it's far beyond what you can do for yourself. Hygienists can train for four years! That's both of my degrees together and I'd certainly not think less of someone for not knowing what I know in that line of work. A dentist with 7 or 8 years of school (and however long in business) isn't going to think less of you for not knowing what they know or can do, but they will be happy to help and teach. I hope that helps you, I have to remind myself too sometimes

 

[Envirochick12887]

I absolutely know how you feel. I’ve felt nothing but shame and embarrassment. But honestly I’ve finally come to a good place where my teeth will be healthy again (after a ton of dental work) and I’ve had the best team to work with. Having healthy teeth is important, do what’s right for you and do the best you can when it comes to dental work. But honestly, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed, having teeth issues are not something you can always prevent. It’s not your fault. Hope this helps a little!

 

[grumpybear]

I agree with Regina on the point of recognizing that the dental team are just there to do their jobs and not to judge. I personally work in healthcare and do sometimes find myself overthinking the patient-dr relationship because some of the people I've have had to seek treatment from are also my colleagues and I do actually know them outside of the clinical setting. One thing that helps my frame of mind is to remind myself that the drs and dentists have all seen much worse things in their entire career, so nothing should really surprise or unsettle them, it is part and parcel of the job that comes with being a clinician. Obviously, as drs, they don't see patients at their best.

Another thing I've learned too from working with drs for awhile is that majority of them are very single-minded and task-focused especially when in the clinical setting, so judging is not really something they tend to do. This helps me to also then focus on the objective and how to move forward instead of feeling guilt or shame or embarrassment. A dr I used to work with once described his job in a nutshell as "returning people to some form of functional living."

Alot of this don't come easily to me so I do have to constantly talk myself through it until it becomes less of a conscious effort. Hope that helps you a little.

 

[JAB]

I don't know what state you're in, whether you need work, think you do, or are in a relatively good place health wise and just feel this way regardless, I just wanted to empathise so you know that other people feel the same and maybe less isolated.

I feel embarrassed /shame at needing anything done in any sphere of healthcare, I feel like I've failed in looking after myself which feels like the most basic failure of all, its the reason I struggle to communicate with health professionals.

I think it helps to know that most of the people helping you have trained for years and years to know how, it's far beyond what you can do for yourself. Hygienists can train for four years! That's both of my degrees together and I'd certainly not think less of someone for not knowing what I know in that line of work. A dentist with 7 or 8 years of school (and however long in business) isn't going to think less of you for not knowing what they know or can do, but they will be happy to help and teach. I hope that helps you, I have to remind myself too sometimes

You hit the nail on the head. "Needing anything done in any sphere of healthcare, I feel like I've failed..." That's exactly how I feel. Even if I never need anything else done (not gonna happen) I will always feel shame and embarrassment over failing. I have had too many fillings and two crowns that are a stark reminder that I've failed. The problem probably isn't how to professionals see me it's how I see myself. Of course they are more than happy to do the work. It's money in the bank for them. They may want to help, but in the end it's just money to them.

 

[JAB]

JAB.

I have dealt with Alot of shame for years in the dental arena.. intense shame, feeling less than lower than, quite terrible because of the state of my teeth..and it is quite a vulnerable thing to go get work done and have someone see your teeth/mouth. well. I have also heard that shame once exposed and spoken has far less power.. like when you talk about it, speak it , you give it less power. I know when I brought out my shame to my dentist and he reassured me it helped a ton.. and felt a big relief working with him. However I did have some quite embarrasssing moments at the state of my teeth when working on crowns.. I wrote about it here .I hope it might be any encouragement to you somehow..

https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/forum/threads/working-through-dental-shame.24280/

Alot of us understand and are here with you and for you!

Thanks for the link. I feel like a failure and certainly flawed. I know they don't see me that way. I'm a pastor and have heard so much stuff that nothing anyone tells me shocks me or makes me think less of them as a person. Most of the time I admire them for having the courage to get help, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. It's something I've been struggling to work through myself. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

 

[JAB]

My appointment went ok. Didn't need any work done, but I just wish they would forget the blood pressure thing. I may end up looking for another dentist because they always feel the need to take my BP. I always refuse, but it triggers me. I really like the office overall, but that could be the deal breaker.

 

[krlovesherkids777]

Glad your appt went well and you didn't need work! Is there a way the manager of the office could notate your file not to ask you for BP for normal visits?

 

[JAB]

I've thought about it, but didn't. I did tell them that it's a trigger of mine. I will see how they approach it next time.

 

[Enarete]

I've thought about it, but didn't. I did tell them that it's a trigger of mine. I will see how they approach it next time.

Hope they understood that it's serious enough for them to put it into your records very clearly and never ever ask you again.. it would be a bummer if you had to leave this office because of this.

 

[comfortdentist]

I wonder the need to take every time if you are coming in for a series of appointments. If you haven't been in for awhile or if your pressure runs high then it is reasonable and even appropriate to check it. I think many dentists have seen patients with pressure so high that they needed emergency care to lower it. Something to discuss with the dentist

 

[JAB]

I wonder the need to take every time if you are coming in for a series of appointments. If you haven't been in for awhile or if your pressure runs high then it is reasonable and even appropriate to check it. I think many dentists have seen patients with pressure so high that they needed emergency care to lower it. Something to discuss with the dentist

Blood pressure is a place I will never go with a dentist. That's why I have a PCP. My pressure is always high (130/82 range), but I can't allow a dentist to take my pressure so I can get another lecture about being fat and lazy. I just want to deal with my dental health and let my PCP do her job. She isn't able to fix my teeth, and my dentist can't do anything to fix my bp. That's why I have different providers. Nothing positive can result from the dentist taking my bp, but they could destroy the entire appointment by taking it. Just not worth it.

 

[comfortdentist]

Perhaps your pcp can send a clearance for your bp to your dentist stating no need to verify a safe range

 

[JAB]

Perhaps your pcp can send a clearance for your bp to your dentist stating no need to verify a safe range

I respect your opinion, but if I need a doctor's note to have my teeth cleaned then I will have to find a dentist that cares about me and not just some numbers. I really need a provider that realizes my teeth are attached to a person. If they treat the person, it becomes much easier to treat the teeth. Sorry if I sound disrespectful, but this really is a big deal for me.

 

[comfortdentist]

I really need a provider that realizes my teeth are attached to a person. If they treat the person, it becomes much easier to treat the teeth. Sorry if I sound disrespectful, but this really is a big deal for me.

I think you are missing the point. The teeth are connected and not a seperate part. Your bp as much as it is an uncomfortable subject is a real concern to to a dentist or any other health care provider who will be performing a procedure on you.

Last year I was referred a patient for an occlusal guard. He did not not to fill out a medical history form as I was just going to take a couple of impressions and make this plastic device. Of course I avoided the initial conflict by talking about causes of tooth grinding or bruxism at night.
Short answer a significant factor of his bruxism was caused by sleep apnea which was exacerbated by his medication to help him sleep. That medication that he took to help him sleep which no longer served that function according to him is also a suspect in causing mental function decline.

Another patient of mine recently needed emergency treatment for his hypertension that I picked up on. The year before he had a stroke because of the same incident.

 

[Scared all the time]

I really need a provider that realizes my teeth are attached to a person. If they treat the person, it becomes much easier to treat the teeth. Sorry if I sound disrespectful, but this really is a big deal for me.
I think you are missing the point. The teeth are connected and not a seperate part. Your bp as much as it is an uncomfortable subject is a real concern to to a dentist or any other health care provider who will be performing a procedure on you.
Last year I was referred a patient for an occlusal guard. He did not not to fill out a medical history form as I was just going to take a couple of impressions and make this plastic device. Of course I avoided the initial conflict by talking about causes of tooth grinding or bruxism at night.
Short answer a significant factor of his bruxism was caused by sleep apnea which was exacerbated by his medication to help him sleep. That medication that he took to help him sleep which no longer served that function according to him is also a suspect in causing mental function decline.
Another patient of mine recently needed emergency treatment for his hypertension that I picked up on. The year before he had a stroke because of the same incident. There are others but it sounds like the problem for you is far deeper than just taking your bp.

Agreed. My mother in law changed dentist because every time she went he would refer to her as “lady” instead of using her name. She said it was like he had no clue or even cared to know who she was that she was just another “lady” in the chair. It felt cold to her and very impersonal. Like he just didn’t care about a name it was just too much effort to know it. I’m looking as well same office as she was in just the same cold manner. I’m there to save my teeth by any means to discuss any issues and any solution to prevent issues. I feel they have failed me in doing that. I’m a grinder that I never knew about. maybe some solutions to help the grinding may have helped save the tooth. I guess I’m still a little bitter at my stupidity with all this.

 

[krlovesherkids777]

Scared.

yikes. calling her lady.. wow.. super impersonal.. Reminds me of a dentist I had that spoke no words to me , other than you need fillings on 1,2,3,,4 whatever. I felt like such a mannican head, he spoke to his nurse the whole time , never asked me anything or made any small talk, didn't call me lady.but that feeling like you are a number .. wow..lady.