- Jul 1, 2018
Thanks but implants really are impossible. It really isn't that this is my teeth in particular. It would be the same with any part of my body which required any sort of invasive treatment. I can't go through it. Yet, neither can I tolerate anything making me aware of my body. I function just fine in this world only so long as I can ignore my body altogether and pretend doctors and dentists don't exist. As soon as I can't avoid it or them, I go from normal, reasonable person to a gibbering wreck in a full blown crisis.
The real problem here is not the way I look, although the fact I am suddenly and brutally 20 years older is upsetting. It's not that eating is stressful, although it's playing havoc with my digestive system and I'm losing too much weight. It's not that it's effecting my speech, although that is absolutely devastating for me given what I do. It's certainly not whether anyone else thinks I'm attractive or not...I never cared much about that, anyway. It's that the gaps are making me AWARE, AWARE, AWARE! And I just can't turn it off. It's like Chinese water torture 24/7. The plates were supposed to solve the problem. I've been shocked to discover you can feel them in your mouth at all. I never knew that. And they too make me AWARE, AWARE to the point of being physically sick.
I'm so desperate to get away from my own mouth. And there's no where to go.
As for MH, I have been saying to MH for literally decades, that if I don't get some help with this, one day it will kill me because logically we all get older, stuff goes wrong and then they might need to do something life saving and no one will be able to touch me, or because I just won't tolerate what's happening to my body and it will push me over the edge. But, I've been lucky, through all that time. I've been reasonably healthy, so with no other help than CBT, of which I've had shed loads and it's absolutely useless, I just got on with life. But I always knew this day was coming...
Had they just taken the one wisdom tooth they said they were going to take, I would have been ill for a while, but I might not have been too aware after it healed and I would have got better. But they didn't and I am beginning to think there is no solution and no hope.
It's taken this for MH to listen to me at all.
As for any surgical rectification, like implants, I CAN'T get through another procedure or another GA. It was sending me over the edge when they did that for the extractions. I was literally banging my head on the wall and rocking in the corner. I practically had to be dragged in there and I'd lost capacity to consent. They made a best interest decision. I had to be restrained by security when I came round because I was fighting to get away. I can't remember that and I'm absolutely not normally a violent person. Then they had to call the police because I was running off still under the influence of their awful drugs - I can remember some of that.
Besides, the dentist strongly warned against implants. Special care can't treat me any more if I did get them. Not that I could ever consider it anyway.
At the end of the day, I just don't want to be aware any more and I don't want anyone to touch me again. And I know that's asking for the impossible... meanwhile, I have to go for cleaning this week...she's never going to be able to touch me after what happened, but I can't face what happens if she doesn't. I just feel so sandwiched between competing nightmares and I can't see a way out.
I am so sorry. I can understand where you are coming from as far as the awareness of the missing teeth. Losing that many all at once would be hard, especially with your phobia of medical/dental care.
I wish you had better mental health care. As much as I hate the costs of medical/dental insurance and care in the U.S., we have a lot of options as far as mental health care. I hope you can find some kind of way to live with this.