Extremely ashamed and embarrassed.

[LadyDi4476]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I have to say reading these stories of fear and embarrassment do make me feel less alone. I've been spending the past year feeling like I'm completely alone in this nightmare and nobody understands what I'm going through.

I'm 33 years old and I badly need to see the dentist. My last visit was about 4 years ago. My teeth were in bad shape then but now they're in even worse. I had a not so sensitive female dentist who made me feel terrible. She lectured me and told me it was going to get worse and just made me feel really bad. So after I got a cleaning, I never went back. Now I have plaque build up again on my 3 lower bottom teeth and what looks like severe periodontal disease. My gums are very red and inflamed on the front bottom row. They are loose and not sticking to the teeth anymore. I'm terrible ashamed at the neglect and how they look. I also fear they will either eventually fall out or need to get pulled.

I also have a molar on my left side (that needed a root canal) that eventually just fell out last year. I now have a hole in my mouth where the tooth used to be. I feel like my mouth is one of the worst looking ever and I'm very scared to make that first move and get help. I don't want to be lectured, ridiculed, or made to feel like a dirty filthy person. For me, it's just massive fear. I go near a dentist and I feel nauseous and sick. I want to have a consolation with a dentist and tell them how I feel before I sit down in the chair.

that's my story....

 

[ami]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I think nearly all of us on here can say that we have seen a dentist in the past that has treated us awful. I can remember seeing a lady dentist about 5/6 years ago, she said some awful things which stuck in my mind and I didn't go back. Please don't be embarassed we are all in the same boat. I'm kicking myself now for not taking better care of my teeth but I have to look forward.
You'll find this forum a great source of comfort believe me

Where are you from? There might be a someone on here that van recommend a dentist.

 

[Poppy36]

Hey...your story sounds very similar to mine. I'm in my 30's also and had the exact same problem. I knew things were in bad shape but my dentist was made me feel so bad I didn't and wouldn't go back. Then developed an infection and was forced to go to the nhs emergency dentist, who made me feel absolutely awful. I really truly thought there was no hope....then I made an appointment with a local independent dentist, who has turned out to be just wonderful. Made me feel happy, relaxed, is completely kind and has never said one bad thing to me....told me the truth, but in such a nice way and then told me how 'we' could fix it. It's taken a few months but this Thursday I am going for my final appointment and will have my new smile....it has been so, so, worth it.

Don't give up hope. You just need to find the right dentist for you, where you can feel comfortable. Just check out some near you, look into their prices etc, and just go along for a consultation....you can do it. If I can anyone can xx

 

[drummerswife]

To our community of support. Like Ami said, there are a lot of people here who were traumatized by other dentists. I am one of them.
If you read any of my earlier posts, you will see that my terror was so intense that I did not go to the dentist for nearly a decade.
For me the word dentist was just another word for pain and terror.
That said, please believe me when I tell you that is doesnt have to be that way. I was blessed to find a trully caring dentist who has treated me the way a good professional should and I am not nearly as frightened now as I used to be. In my mind, this is the key. The right dentist will not scold, lecture, or judge you. The right dentist will understand your feelings and do their best to make you feel comfortable.
I see you live in NY. You might want to check the recommendations list on this website. There may be somone listed there in your area.
My other recommendation is to meet with the dentist to chat before any treatment. A caring dentist will be willing to do this and its a good way to see if you feel comfortable with them.
Blessings to you

 

[LadyDi4476]

Thanks for all the replies. For me it's not even physical pain that I'm dreading, but the emotional trauma this will bring on me. I'll take the pain over having a dentist look at me with disgust or shock. That's even worse to me. I'm scared out of my mind, but at the same time I'm dying to have a dentist check me out because not knowing what I'm doing to myself is just as bad. It's all I think about sometimes.

I will definitely look into some of the recommendations and I agree completely that I want to have a meeting with the dentist prior to being in the dentist chair. I want to express myself first before he takes a look and to see whether this dentist is the right one.

It's comforting to know they exist! I just need to find the right one and one that my insurance can pay for too.

 

[vict4ia]

Hi LadyDi,

Like others have already said, your story is a very familiar one. I avoided the dentist for over 20 years because I was ashamed and afraid of the ridicule. I had myself convinced that mine was the worst mouth ever and that the dentist would tell me that all of my teeth had to come out. I would lie awake at night crying because I knew that I should go to the dentist and I was just too afraid.

I was like you - it wasn't fear of physical pain that kept me from the dentist. I was just terrified of being told that I was hopeless. Then, I found a wonderful, caring dentist and together we tackled my issues to make my phobia a thing of the past. Instead of being cruel and making me feel terrible about myself, my dentist gave me hope and gave me back some of the confidence I'd lost.

There is just no way to describe the relief. You deserve that, too.

You've received some great advice already. I just want to throw one more thing out there. Many of us have found it very useful, once we have identified a potential dentist, to make an initial email contact with the dentist. The email is a good way to introduce yourself and to lay some of your fears on the table in a very non-threatening way. It helps you to unload some of your fear onto someone who can help you to deal with it. The response you receive can also provide you with a first glimpse into how the dentist will deal with you and provide some insight into whether or not this is the dentist for you.

Just be warned that sometimes it can take awhile for a dentist to email back. My original email to my dentist ended up in her junk mail folder and she didn't email me back until after my first visit. (Once the email was sent, I was almost miraculously impatient to just get the first visit over with.)

In any case, we're here to support you and to let you know that you are, by no means, alone in all of this. Right now, you're in a scary place we've almost all been in. It gets much, much better.

 

[olivacs]

Hi there and welcome!
I know how you are feeling. I too am one of those not concenred so much about physical pain but more of the emotional pain. I was so embarrased to go to the dentist after 12 years but had no choice when one tooth became slightly loose and I was terrified. I was afraid to open my mouth at the dentist and that was the most awful day of my life.

I found such a nice dentist which helps so much even though I still do struggle with anxiety over my teeth. I have gum disease which we are getting under control and a long series of other treatment that I have already completed. I still have a ways to go but it will be all worth it in the end.

You can do it!!! Don't be afraid because as you can see everyone on this board has felt or does feel the same way as you, so we are in the majority and not the minority

 

[OzFraidyCat]

Hi Just wanted to add that like so many on here, yours is such a familiar story. I know that feeling of lying in bed at night, thinking about your teeth. I had lost one (it was in the back so although it was upsetting, still didn't compel me to get to the dentist) and one broken (also in back) what forced me into it was a front tooth breaking. What I want to tell you though is that the relief you will feel after seeing a dentist, well you just won't know yourself! My first visit was just a "chat" where I just talked to the dentist once I had my first exam I then came back for another "chat" when he explained my problems in detail -- by then I just wanted to get my treatment over with (like you, not scared of the pain, I was terrified of the lecture and being made to feel ashamed -- and that did NOT happen!!! Dentistry these days is not based on fear or shaming patients into doing the right thing. I waited (and suffered) 10 years before going to the dentist, so really encourage you to make that appointment. My appointment was only 4 weeks ago -- I can't tell you the amount of stress that is gone from my life even though during that time I've had two teeth repaired, one extraction and go back in a couple of weeks for a deep clean. Best of luck ....

 

[dan1979]

Welcome Lady & Cat.

You have come to the right place, The people here have helped me and they will help you to.

I would of chickened completely out if I didn't join this forum first and expressed my feelings.

You are in good hands here for support and I wish you all the best.
It will get better, because I was a few truck loads of nerves about going to the dentist. Also I felt shame too but I felt much better after joining this forum.

I've had the same type of dentists years ago and it really made me feel shocking and ashamed I guess thats where it started for me too to avoid them like the plaque. .

But with bad experiences with dentists there are good ones too.
Please keep expressing your concerns here because it will help a lot and with a good kind dentist that has compassion for their patients (yes there are out there) should help you to put you at ease. I even call my periodontist an actual friend because him and his nurse has been so good to me and you will find one out there that will treat you the same.

There is awsome people on this forum if it was not for them I would of cancelled my appointments and that was it.

But since I started to get my gums and teeth fixed i've never felt better. I feel like a new man (apart from extra temporary teeth sensitivity).

Good luck and all the best.

Dan

 

[petrified2death]

Hi LadyDi,

Your story is so much like mine. I'm also 33 and have periodontal disease. I really recommend that you read my story:

New & Petrified

Hi everyone, I don't even know where to begin. I'm a 33 year old female who lives in California. I have not been to a dentist in 15 years. The last time I went, I was 18 (a senior in high school) and my dad had taken me. Around this time, I had already been told I had periodontal disease...

www.dentalfearcentral.org

I started off very scared and it ends with having my last cleaning. I go back for my revaluation this Friday. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I also didn't mind going through the pain as long as I can have a nice dentist. And I found one. The key is to find a dentist that you feel comfortable with and you will. When you make the appt., tell them about your concerns. That's why I did (or should I say my husband...lol). I couldn't even get on the phone to make an appt., that's how scared I was...lol If you want to see very bad teeth, I suggest that you go to Google Image "severe periondontal disease". You will see some teeth there that are pretty bad. Seeing those pictures actually helped me realize that I wasn't that bad (like how I thought) and made me more "brave" to make my appt. And I also did not want my teeth to get that way. It personally helped me.

I know you will find a great dentist. You also have come to right place. A lot of these stories and members really helped me through my fear. And the encouragment here is great also! Definitely keep us updated!

 

[drummerswife]

Hi Lady Di,
Just wanted to chime in and say I completely agree with Petrified2death. finding the right dentist is essential. And I recommend you read her story. And by "right" means right for you.

Stress Doc spoke very kindly about me here and while I do not for a moment discount the tremendous courage it has taken me to face the terror that haunted me for years, the simple truth is that I would not have made the kind of progress I have if I had not had the good fortune of being referred to a dentist who speciaizes in working with dental phobia. She made me feel safe with her for the very first time in my life. This sense of safety, combined with initial doses of oral sedatives, helped to build a foundation of trust which made possible much of the work that has been accomplished.
As I wrote in my posts, my last peridontal cleaning was done without any sedation meds at all. I had LA but thats it. I never would have imagined I could do that and this just underscores the value of the dentist/patient relationship.
Blessings to you

 

[jenjen]

Hii there
Just to agree with everyone else. You will get there. It feels like a huge great barrier that you will never break through and that you are a failure but once you make a start, you will feel wonderful and like you can achieve anything. I am 40 and I have periodontal disease and after a clean the gums are much improved. Yes, the wait for the appointments is hard but the elation when you've done is just wonderful - promise!
Thinking of you. Keep posting and reading on here, everyone helps everyone else here - we are like a big online family!
I know with absolute certainty I would not have gone to the dentist without the support and advice I received here. You know we all understand and feel the same.
Right dentist is crucial. First one I had made me feel horrendous and I kept a brave face till I got out and had hysterics. Second one was calm, kind and just make out like it was no big deal I hadn't been for 24 years. He did not judge me. The right dentist will 'feel' right - for you
Good luck!

 

[LadyDi4476]

Thank you all so much for your replies, it makes me feel better to know others understand how I'm feeling. It has become a constant worry morning, noon, and night. I know I will (hopefully) feel some relief once I make my first visit. But right now I'm still petrified and so worried.

I'm trying to find the right dentist, but I'm also not financially secure so they have to accept my insurance. I do have a variety of doctors to choose from my insurance (Oxford) I just don't know who will be nice and who won't. I suppose I should schedule a "chat" or consultation first before doing anything.

If the receptionist tells me they don't do consultations, I suppose I should just call someone else? I just don't want to end up going to the wrong doctor and paying for it in the end.

I have seen some pics of periodontal disease that are worse. But mine are pretty bad too. My gums are a mess I'm so depressed because of it and I don't want to smile anymore for obvious reasons.

I thank you again for all your responses and will keep you updated.

 

[OzFraidyCat]

Hi Lady Di

Why don't you try asking friends/colleagues who their dentist is? You don't need to tell them your story, just ask about their manner, style and offices. the dentist I saw 10 years ago had an ad in the yellow pages saying we cater for cowards. but in actual fact he just lectured me and tried to scare me that my teeth would fall out if I continued the way I was. the fantastic dentist I just started seeing was recommended by 2 people (neither of whom know about my "issues") his offices are bright, with a window that looks onto a little indoor garden they make an effort to try and make the experience as comfortable as possible.

Also was just going to say, don't try and diagnose your dental problems yourself ... I was the same I was positive that I had gum disease based on pictures I had looked at but I didn't, it was an infection and is being treated. You're probably just adding to your anxiety.

Sounds like you are ready to make the call, best of luck finding the dentist

 

[drummerswife]

Just wanted to chime in and say I agree with OzFraidyCat. I am a big one for assuming the worst and my husband always says to me "Dont assune facts not in evidence" Our imagination can really take us for a ride. The truth is you will not really know what your dental needs are until you find a caring dentist to evaluate the situation.
I know that insurance can be a pain and yet I absolutely believe that any truly caring dentist should have no problem agreeing to chat with you. And it makes a huge difference, believe me.

 

[LadyDi4476]

Well I had gum disease the last time I went to the dentist (which was 4 years ago) so I'm pretty sure that's why I have, only it's more advanced now. I have that elongated tooth look. However the teeth are not lose yet, so there may still be hope I can hold on to them.

Ok I asked my boss if he could recommend a dentist and he gave me a number to call. He said he's a really nice guy in a great area. He even sings as he's cleaning teeth. So I made the first step in inquiring!

He's a general dentist, not specializing in periodontics so he'll probably send me somewhere else but as long as I see someone and begin the process that's what counts.

Now I just have to make the call.

 

[jenjen]

I have slightly 'long' teeth and mine aren't loose at all. Gums were also very red before the clean and lots of tartar build up and couldn't believe how OK they looked when they'd been cleaned. Gums now mainly healthy colour with just a couple of slightly redder patches. I bet yours aren't nearly as bad as you think, it's like others have been saying you are probably diagnosing yourself on worse case scenario!

Please just make the call or get someone else to do it if you can't (I couldn't). It will change your life for the better - I absolutely promise and you will be beating that fear instead of it controlling you.

Thinking of you - you can do it.

 

[drummerswife]

Well said Jen Jen. You are so right. And I might add that taking someone you trust with you to that first appointment can help for moral support because you wont be alone.

 

[LadyDi4476]

Well some areas of my gums are still pink, while others are red. The worst are near the front bottom teeth. The gums are very red, very swollen, and sort of spread out and loose. They flap when I touch them like skin. No longer stuck to the tooth. It's horrible. On the inside there is lots of tartar on them and it's pushing the gum line down and it's swollen there too. I can feel it when I rub my tongue across it. I want so badly for a scaling or cleaning to be done to get that stuff out.

I'm going to make some phone calls on Monday to various dentists specializing in Periodontics for a consultation. I need to see a specialist. I don't want to go from one dentist to another and drag this out.

Unfortunately I don't think I can get anyone to go with me since everyone works. I'll just have to push myself through the front door on my own.

thanks again for the good thoughts...I'll update on monday.

 

[jenjen]

You won't be alone because we will all be thinking about you.

Try not to worry too much - your teeth sound no worse than mine were. My bottom 4 front teeth were covered in tartar. Literally, so bad (front and back) that they were welded together. Gums were bright red and sore, there was black round the gum line which I think was dried blood. I could also see where the tartar had eaten away at some of the gum. Sorry to be gross, but just wanted to know that yours sound no worse than mine - might be a bit better! I didn't go for 24 years so you can just imagine how it looked.

I found a dentist who happened to be a periodontist as well. Good luck on Monday. You seem to be in exactly the same position that I was and I'm older than you!

Let me know how you get on Monday.