S
stoptheobsession
Junior member
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2024
- Messages
- 1
- Location
- Idaho USA
The title and my username kinda say the reason I decided to join this forum and post. I feel fortunate to be where I am in my dental fear/phobia journey at this point in my life. I went to the dentist pretty consistently as a kid when my parents were making me appointments, but once I became an adult I avoided it for several years until I had insurance and could pay for it myself, when I wasn't as afraid of the cost and couldn't use that as an excuse anymore (I live in the USA where prices are ridiculous and prohibitive even for preventive care). I was fortunate that I have never been prone to many serious dental issues in my life, that my avoidance didn't last longer than 4 or 5 years, and that I've been able to get decent insurance and afford treatment. That's not to say I don't still have other dental phobias that aren't related to cost. Now, because I have good insurance, I do go every six months, but if I don't end up being able to go at the time they schedule me 6 months in advance, I usually wait weeks to reschedule...though I always do go.
Here's my problem. I find the actual experience of going to the dentist actually ok. I feel nervous, but am able to stay calm and function normally while actually in the chair and waiting room. I can chitchat with the providers, etc. (though I do sometimes have a hard time asking questions/advocating for myself and just tend to comply and go with the flow). I'm totally ok going through procedures in the standard way/with the standard anasthetics (not that I would say no to some nitrous if it was offered...I just don't have the courage to ask and am afraid it won't be covered by insurance, plus as an adult I feel like I'll be judged for my request). But really, it's the week or even weeks before and after that are the rub. When I know I have a dentist appointment coming up I obsess over it. Cleanings/checkups are actually the worst of all...what are they gonna find wrong??? Are they going to judge me? How much is it gonna cost? Why can't I be perfect?
How does this obsession affect my daily life? Fleeting thoughts that become more frequent as appointments approach. Visualizing every moment of the appointment and all possible scenarios/outcomes instead of sleeping at night. And even though I know I shouldn't because it makes it worse, giving into my urges to enter the dentistry black hole of the internet. Youtube videos of various procedures, especially when they involve anesthetic injections, are a special favorite. In a strange way, I guess I kinda get off on it. And I'm so embarassed about this that I promptly clear my search and watch histories. This goes on mostly before for a week or two, but also after an appointment. If I have to go back soon after my cleaning for restorative work, the obsessing, lack of sleep, internet black hole, etc. continue on just that much longer. And all this definitely translates to flareups of generalized anxiety in my life about everything, making for some really shitty weeks twice a year around dentist time.
I CAN'T continue to live this way, but I don't know how to stop this cycle. Any ideas? Honestly, I think one of the big reasons, other than cost, that I avoided the dentist for the time I did is that I'm able to stop myself from going down this road unless an appointment is coming up. I do find dentist-related ads, etc. somewhat triggering, but I can quickly move on from the mind black hole unless I know I'm going to be sitting in the chair in the next month or so. Strangely, this issue is also one of the things that encourages me to keep my appointments...the sooner it's over, the sooner I can forget about it. For example, I'm writing this today because I had my cleaning today...and they found two cavities. And, miracle of miracles, I was able to speak up for myself and say, "Hey, any chance you have time to fix these now?" And...another miracle...they did have time. So now it's all done, and I didn't have time to obsess over it for another week or two. So yes, I'm still coming off my vicious cycle (that's how I got to this corner of the internet today), and I'm having the complicated shame emotions I always get when I don't get a perfect dental report card. But I count asking for what I want/need and same-day getting-it-over-with as a big win for me.
I am a recovering perfectionist. Like probably most perfectionists, I am anxiety prone. I have gotten a lot better about this over the years when it comes to school, work, housekeeping, etc., and I feel I have developed some good coping strategies. Really the only area of my life where I feel like my perfectionism, anxiety, (maybe even OCD? I've never been diagnosed with any mental health condition or disorder) spirals out of control and paralyzes me from moving on for too long is my health, especially dentistry (though I have higher than normal anxiety about doctors too). I think one of the main things with dentistry is that I somehow internalized at a very young age that:
1. Problems with your teeth are 100% preventable, and if you have them, it's your fault.
2. If I have problems, I should feel guilty, because it's going to cost my parents a lot of money (my parents were self employed and didn't have dental insurance).
I don't think my childhood dentist or my parents intentionally taught me this or made me feel this way, but I'm guessing my natural perfectionism along with things I heard/experienced as a young kid probably solidified into this lovely construct I'm still trying to get over.
I also think one of the reasons I find diving headfirst into internet dental content strangely soothing is that is makes me feel good to see other people needing dental work done, reminding me that I'm not the only screwup in the world. What I think is also weird about this is that this anxiety doesn't translate into a "must brush twice a day and floss daily" routine for me. It's enough for me to believe that with my electric toothbrush 1.5x a day and floss picks a couple times a week, I'm doing better than average. I guess, at least with regards to my teeth, I'm at least partially motivated by percieving myself as better than other people. Sounds awful to say, I promise I try not to be a condescending jerk in real life!
I have similar anxiety about my general health, and that has actually gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm not scared of health stuff I have somehow decided is not my fault, but I am, for example, terrified of becoming overweight, getting heart disease, diabetes, or things that I percieve as being preventable if I just "take care of myself." I have a family history of all this stuff and seeing loved ones suffer with it has scared me to death. But athough I know I don't have a 100% healthy relationship with exercise and food, I don't obsess over it for longer than a few hours.
This has been more of a mind vomit than anything else, so if you're still reading, thanks. I have never talked about this with anyone in this much detail before, because I feel stupid about it. Yes, no one likes going to the dentist, and to the outside world (including my husband, who knows pretty much all my secrets and is generally very supportive of my struggles), it probably seems like my issue isn't anywhere outside the normal, since I manage to show up for my cleanings every six months and get work done when I need it. Plus, I'm close to fine while I'm actually there and immediately afterwards. I always leave thinking, "Hey, that wasn't so bad, forget about it." But I know it's decidedly NOT normal to obsess so much over your dental appointments that it causes weeks of insomnia, decreased work performance, and general anxiety.
Please feel free to stop reading anytime, but I also want to share what I view as some of my "formative" dental experiences for context, and just because writing is cathartic for me even if no one ever reads it.
The first real dental experience I remember is also the most traumatic. I was a pretty young kid, probably 6 or so. I had TONS of cavities in all my baby molars and I don't think I had ever had a cavity before. I don't remember any pain, or much about the procedure at all, so they must have done a decent job with anasthesia. Maybe I got laughing gas, don't remember. But I do remember sleeping the rest of the day away pretty miserable in my bed, my mouth being totally transformed with all these big ugly (my perception) amalgam fillings in most of my molars, and knowing that my parents had to pay a lot of money cause I didn't brush away the "sugar bugs" well enough. I am pretty sure they must have done all of these fillings on all 4 quadrants in one super long appointment, too, which I can't imagine enduring as an adult, let alone a little kid, even if they did have me pretty sedated.
I was super proud of myself for never getting another cavity that I remember until I was late in my teenage years, after I'd gotten braces off. But that one was a big one, and I remember my mom being pretty surprised and disappointed (I think mostly in herself, thinking she should have brought me into the dentist sooner), and knowing how much it cost (it was 4 surfaces, so a lot...). That was also my first experience with a rubber dam and composite fillings, and although I much prefer composite cause I hate being reminded of my failures when I see metal fillings in my mouth, I hate how dry they have to make your mouth for them to succeed. I also really hate the water and crap pooling up in the back of your throat and being afraid you will move and mess them up when you try to swallow. I also remember on this occasion, since the rubber dam felt like pretty serious business and one of my classmates had recently told me she had to have a root canal, being afraid that they'd do that to me too and it would cost my parents 4x as much. Looking back on it now, a lot of these bad memories could have been mitigated if the providers had just taken a couple of minutes to explain to me what they were doing and why.
My next big memory is getting my wisdom teeth out, and strangely that was the best dental experience of my life. I have two theories as to why:
1. Laughing gas and conscious sedation baby! I knew what was happening and actually think I might have even felt a little pain, but I didn't freaking care. It was amazing.
2. I knew it wasn't my fault I had impacted wisdom teeth. I was just born that way. I felt the same way about braces. Was never scared of the orthodontist or felt too bad about the cost cause it wasn't my fault my teeth decided to grow in crooked. Plus, most kids my age I knew had been through this stuff, and talked about it.
I did get a little cavity filled on the same occasion though, so of course I felt guilty about that. At least it was just a little one.
Fairly soon after this I left home and lived blissfully in that college twilight between being a teenager and real adulthood when my parents gratefully never brought up that they had made me a dentist appointment, which I thought was perfect.
When I was 23 I graduated from college, got a good job and got my own real dental insurance with my own real money. Since I knew it was important to my health to go, and now nobody needed to know I was a screwup but me and my dental office, I made an appointment with a nearby dentist that I could walk to and that let you schedule online (the idea of calling freaked me out, which probably has as much to do with Millennial/Gen Z phone anxiety as dentist anxiety), and even asked you in the online form whether you were anxious. When I went, they found one pretty small cavity, which I thought wasn't too bad considering my several years of neglect, but they also told me my gums were in sorry shape and I needed a deep cleaning. So that's, you know...expensive. But I endured it. I didn't really care for the hygenist, who was pretty doom-and-gloom about my gums, but when the doctor filled my cavity he was super, super nice, which made me think he must have at least read that I said I was anxious even though I was trying to be a big girl and not say anything about it. While I'm still not convinced that all those multiple expensive deep cleaning visits were actually necessary (I definitely also have issues with trusting dentists and their diagnoses, which I think also stems back to my childhood dentist, who I always thought had way too fancy-looking of an office to not be doing unnecessary stuff, plus he never explained anything to me), by the time I moved and got the courage to stop going to this dentist, the next one was perfectly happy with the state of my gums. That harsh hygenist had also scared me into at least occasionally flossing
Since then I've seen a couple of different dentists due to some moves, and I've been pretty status quo. Keeping my six month appointments, getting praised for having "excellent home care" (which is a dream come true for a perfectionist like me!), and then 6 months later getting diagnosed with a cavity or two anyway (WTF? Guess I've gotta try to floss better!!!). I've liked my subsequent dentists better than the deep-cleaning office. I trust them, though not completely. Even though I have no particular reason to believe this (other than I know everyone needs and wants to make a buck), I still am afraid dentists propose overly aggressive treatment that makes things worse instead of better...I mean, once you drill a tooth, there's no going back.
I've managed to get up the courage to ask them questions and have them show me things. Like today, when the dentist is yelling out his numbers and letters that I know mean I have cavities, I managed to ask him to show me how he could tell on the x rays (between-the-teeth visible-on-x-rays only cavities again...the only kind I get). It really, really helps me when dentists do that kind of thing without my asking. The one I saw before my last move did that. He actually took pictures of my tooth before, during, and after a filling procedure so I could see what everything looked like. I thought that was pretty sweet. I'm an engineer and just generally a critical thinker, so I really like seeing how stuff works and having people walk me through their thought processes. That includes dentistry, I just don't like having to ask for it, which I know is something I need to get over. Communication is key...but knowing and doing are two different things, and I also don't feel like it should necessarily be my responsibility as the patient to always have to ask a provider why they recommend a certain treatment, or what they are doing.
Explanations during actual procedures help too, although I'm so well versed in the world of Youtube dentistry I pretty much know what's up now hahaha. But still, it helps when a provider shows you that empathy to remember that you are a real person having a bearable, necessary, but nonetheless very unpleasant experience, and that maybe you would like to be spoken and explained to as a person, not just literally looked down on and worked on like a car while the non-prone, non-vulnerable people in the room talk about their kids and their dogs and other things that don't concern you. The dentist and assistant that did my fillings today actually did an above average job at that, I thought, and bonus points for the assistant talking about her recent experience with fillings...again, making me feel like less of a failure.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and thanks for letting me participate in this supportive, understanding community.
Here's my problem. I find the actual experience of going to the dentist actually ok. I feel nervous, but am able to stay calm and function normally while actually in the chair and waiting room. I can chitchat with the providers, etc. (though I do sometimes have a hard time asking questions/advocating for myself and just tend to comply and go with the flow). I'm totally ok going through procedures in the standard way/with the standard anasthetics (not that I would say no to some nitrous if it was offered...I just don't have the courage to ask and am afraid it won't be covered by insurance, plus as an adult I feel like I'll be judged for my request). But really, it's the week or even weeks before and after that are the rub. When I know I have a dentist appointment coming up I obsess over it. Cleanings/checkups are actually the worst of all...what are they gonna find wrong??? Are they going to judge me? How much is it gonna cost? Why can't I be perfect?
How does this obsession affect my daily life? Fleeting thoughts that become more frequent as appointments approach. Visualizing every moment of the appointment and all possible scenarios/outcomes instead of sleeping at night. And even though I know I shouldn't because it makes it worse, giving into my urges to enter the dentistry black hole of the internet. Youtube videos of various procedures, especially when they involve anesthetic injections, are a special favorite. In a strange way, I guess I kinda get off on it. And I'm so embarassed about this that I promptly clear my search and watch histories. This goes on mostly before for a week or two, but also after an appointment. If I have to go back soon after my cleaning for restorative work, the obsessing, lack of sleep, internet black hole, etc. continue on just that much longer. And all this definitely translates to flareups of generalized anxiety in my life about everything, making for some really shitty weeks twice a year around dentist time.
I CAN'T continue to live this way, but I don't know how to stop this cycle. Any ideas? Honestly, I think one of the big reasons, other than cost, that I avoided the dentist for the time I did is that I'm able to stop myself from going down this road unless an appointment is coming up. I do find dentist-related ads, etc. somewhat triggering, but I can quickly move on from the mind black hole unless I know I'm going to be sitting in the chair in the next month or so. Strangely, this issue is also one of the things that encourages me to keep my appointments...the sooner it's over, the sooner I can forget about it. For example, I'm writing this today because I had my cleaning today...and they found two cavities. And, miracle of miracles, I was able to speak up for myself and say, "Hey, any chance you have time to fix these now?" And...another miracle...they did have time. So now it's all done, and I didn't have time to obsess over it for another week or two. So yes, I'm still coming off my vicious cycle (that's how I got to this corner of the internet today), and I'm having the complicated shame emotions I always get when I don't get a perfect dental report card. But I count asking for what I want/need and same-day getting-it-over-with as a big win for me.
I am a recovering perfectionist. Like probably most perfectionists, I am anxiety prone. I have gotten a lot better about this over the years when it comes to school, work, housekeeping, etc., and I feel I have developed some good coping strategies. Really the only area of my life where I feel like my perfectionism, anxiety, (maybe even OCD? I've never been diagnosed with any mental health condition or disorder) spirals out of control and paralyzes me from moving on for too long is my health, especially dentistry (though I have higher than normal anxiety about doctors too). I think one of the main things with dentistry is that I somehow internalized at a very young age that:
1. Problems with your teeth are 100% preventable, and if you have them, it's your fault.
2. If I have problems, I should feel guilty, because it's going to cost my parents a lot of money (my parents were self employed and didn't have dental insurance).
I don't think my childhood dentist or my parents intentionally taught me this or made me feel this way, but I'm guessing my natural perfectionism along with things I heard/experienced as a young kid probably solidified into this lovely construct I'm still trying to get over.
I also think one of the reasons I find diving headfirst into internet dental content strangely soothing is that is makes me feel good to see other people needing dental work done, reminding me that I'm not the only screwup in the world. What I think is also weird about this is that this anxiety doesn't translate into a "must brush twice a day and floss daily" routine for me. It's enough for me to believe that with my electric toothbrush 1.5x a day and floss picks a couple times a week, I'm doing better than average. I guess, at least with regards to my teeth, I'm at least partially motivated by percieving myself as better than other people. Sounds awful to say, I promise I try not to be a condescending jerk in real life!
I have similar anxiety about my general health, and that has actually gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm not scared of health stuff I have somehow decided is not my fault, but I am, for example, terrified of becoming overweight, getting heart disease, diabetes, or things that I percieve as being preventable if I just "take care of myself." I have a family history of all this stuff and seeing loved ones suffer with it has scared me to death. But athough I know I don't have a 100% healthy relationship with exercise and food, I don't obsess over it for longer than a few hours.
This has been more of a mind vomit than anything else, so if you're still reading, thanks. I have never talked about this with anyone in this much detail before, because I feel stupid about it. Yes, no one likes going to the dentist, and to the outside world (including my husband, who knows pretty much all my secrets and is generally very supportive of my struggles), it probably seems like my issue isn't anywhere outside the normal, since I manage to show up for my cleanings every six months and get work done when I need it. Plus, I'm close to fine while I'm actually there and immediately afterwards. I always leave thinking, "Hey, that wasn't so bad, forget about it." But I know it's decidedly NOT normal to obsess so much over your dental appointments that it causes weeks of insomnia, decreased work performance, and general anxiety.
Please feel free to stop reading anytime, but I also want to share what I view as some of my "formative" dental experiences for context, and just because writing is cathartic for me even if no one ever reads it.
The first real dental experience I remember is also the most traumatic. I was a pretty young kid, probably 6 or so. I had TONS of cavities in all my baby molars and I don't think I had ever had a cavity before. I don't remember any pain, or much about the procedure at all, so they must have done a decent job with anasthesia. Maybe I got laughing gas, don't remember. But I do remember sleeping the rest of the day away pretty miserable in my bed, my mouth being totally transformed with all these big ugly (my perception) amalgam fillings in most of my molars, and knowing that my parents had to pay a lot of money cause I didn't brush away the "sugar bugs" well enough. I am pretty sure they must have done all of these fillings on all 4 quadrants in one super long appointment, too, which I can't imagine enduring as an adult, let alone a little kid, even if they did have me pretty sedated.
I was super proud of myself for never getting another cavity that I remember until I was late in my teenage years, after I'd gotten braces off. But that one was a big one, and I remember my mom being pretty surprised and disappointed (I think mostly in herself, thinking she should have brought me into the dentist sooner), and knowing how much it cost (it was 4 surfaces, so a lot...). That was also my first experience with a rubber dam and composite fillings, and although I much prefer composite cause I hate being reminded of my failures when I see metal fillings in my mouth, I hate how dry they have to make your mouth for them to succeed. I also really hate the water and crap pooling up in the back of your throat and being afraid you will move and mess them up when you try to swallow. I also remember on this occasion, since the rubber dam felt like pretty serious business and one of my classmates had recently told me she had to have a root canal, being afraid that they'd do that to me too and it would cost my parents 4x as much. Looking back on it now, a lot of these bad memories could have been mitigated if the providers had just taken a couple of minutes to explain to me what they were doing and why.
My next big memory is getting my wisdom teeth out, and strangely that was the best dental experience of my life. I have two theories as to why:
1. Laughing gas and conscious sedation baby! I knew what was happening and actually think I might have even felt a little pain, but I didn't freaking care. It was amazing.
2. I knew it wasn't my fault I had impacted wisdom teeth. I was just born that way. I felt the same way about braces. Was never scared of the orthodontist or felt too bad about the cost cause it wasn't my fault my teeth decided to grow in crooked. Plus, most kids my age I knew had been through this stuff, and talked about it.
I did get a little cavity filled on the same occasion though, so of course I felt guilty about that. At least it was just a little one.
Fairly soon after this I left home and lived blissfully in that college twilight between being a teenager and real adulthood when my parents gratefully never brought up that they had made me a dentist appointment, which I thought was perfect.
When I was 23 I graduated from college, got a good job and got my own real dental insurance with my own real money. Since I knew it was important to my health to go, and now nobody needed to know I was a screwup but me and my dental office, I made an appointment with a nearby dentist that I could walk to and that let you schedule online (the idea of calling freaked me out, which probably has as much to do with Millennial/Gen Z phone anxiety as dentist anxiety), and even asked you in the online form whether you were anxious. When I went, they found one pretty small cavity, which I thought wasn't too bad considering my several years of neglect, but they also told me my gums were in sorry shape and I needed a deep cleaning. So that's, you know...expensive. But I endured it. I didn't really care for the hygenist, who was pretty doom-and-gloom about my gums, but when the doctor filled my cavity he was super, super nice, which made me think he must have at least read that I said I was anxious even though I was trying to be a big girl and not say anything about it. While I'm still not convinced that all those multiple expensive deep cleaning visits were actually necessary (I definitely also have issues with trusting dentists and their diagnoses, which I think also stems back to my childhood dentist, who I always thought had way too fancy-looking of an office to not be doing unnecessary stuff, plus he never explained anything to me), by the time I moved and got the courage to stop going to this dentist, the next one was perfectly happy with the state of my gums. That harsh hygenist had also scared me into at least occasionally flossing
Since then I've seen a couple of different dentists due to some moves, and I've been pretty status quo. Keeping my six month appointments, getting praised for having "excellent home care" (which is a dream come true for a perfectionist like me!), and then 6 months later getting diagnosed with a cavity or two anyway (WTF? Guess I've gotta try to floss better!!!). I've liked my subsequent dentists better than the deep-cleaning office. I trust them, though not completely. Even though I have no particular reason to believe this (other than I know everyone needs and wants to make a buck), I still am afraid dentists propose overly aggressive treatment that makes things worse instead of better...I mean, once you drill a tooth, there's no going back.
I've managed to get up the courage to ask them questions and have them show me things. Like today, when the dentist is yelling out his numbers and letters that I know mean I have cavities, I managed to ask him to show me how he could tell on the x rays (between-the-teeth visible-on-x-rays only cavities again...the only kind I get). It really, really helps me when dentists do that kind of thing without my asking. The one I saw before my last move did that. He actually took pictures of my tooth before, during, and after a filling procedure so I could see what everything looked like. I thought that was pretty sweet. I'm an engineer and just generally a critical thinker, so I really like seeing how stuff works and having people walk me through their thought processes. That includes dentistry, I just don't like having to ask for it, which I know is something I need to get over. Communication is key...but knowing and doing are two different things, and I also don't feel like it should necessarily be my responsibility as the patient to always have to ask a provider why they recommend a certain treatment, or what they are doing.
Explanations during actual procedures help too, although I'm so well versed in the world of Youtube dentistry I pretty much know what's up now hahaha. But still, it helps when a provider shows you that empathy to remember that you are a real person having a bearable, necessary, but nonetheless very unpleasant experience, and that maybe you would like to be spoken and explained to as a person, not just literally looked down on and worked on like a car while the non-prone, non-vulnerable people in the room talk about their kids and their dogs and other things that don't concern you. The dentist and assistant that did my fillings today actually did an above average job at that, I thought, and bonus points for the assistant talking about her recent experience with fillings...again, making me feel like less of a failure.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and thanks for letting me participate in this supportive, understanding community.
