Getting worse before it gets better - is this normal or is it just me?

[Tink]

Hello -

I'm in the process of trying to deal with a fear of the dentist, but I feel like I'm losing the plot just now - I came on to see whether anybody else on here has found the same thing because I feel like some kind of freak but I'm sure it can't be just me!

A quick history of me & dentists:

Ever since I was a child I've been taught that going to the dentist is unpleasant and painful, but you just have to put up with it. I was taught to shut up and not under any circumstances make a fuss (my parents weren't too good at dentist either, and we had a terrible family dentist). Later on, when I left home, I had more sympathetic dentists who might have had a chance at improving things, but around that time a problem was starting to emerge with the anaesthetics that meant that it was still horrible and painful, so I just kept on trying as best I could and the fear never got any less. Then a couple of years ago I had a very bad experience with an unsympathetic dentist who basically bullied me into having a large filling done without anaesthetic and without proper consent. He cheerfully capitalised on and reinforced my beliefs that I'm a terrible patient and it's all my fault and that I should shut up and not make a fuss.

About a year ago everything changed when I went to a new dentist. For the first time ever, they figured out how to fix the problem with the anaesthetic, ending many years of misery. And that should have been it, problem solved...

But it wasn't. It wasn't just the way they use anaesthetic that was different, everything is different with this new dentist. The dentist (and everybody in the practise) is wonderful - patient, sympathetic, understanding. Everything I thought I knew about dentists has been completely turned upside down, suddenly they've made it OK to be scared, even OK to show it, and they're telling me it's not my fault after all. I learned about how consent works, and how dentist are expected to behave - this led me to make a complaint about my previous dentist, who eventually admitted to not having proper consent and apologised (unconvincingly).

The problem is that now they've made it OK to be afraid, I've finally stopped suppressing all the fear after all these years and I feel completely overwhelmed. It's like I've been just about coping all this time because I had to, and now it's all unravelling. I'm unravelling!

Is this normal? Has anybody else found this?


I went to the dentist the other day, and for most of the appointment I did what I've always done - I withdrew into myself, gave polite but very short answers to his attempts at small talk, and obediently sat back and let him do a check-up. He must have thought I was doing really well until suddenly at the end I managed to admit that I wasn't OK really, and the few months since I was last in have been all over the place. I tried to explain but it all came out completely garbled and I couldn't quite manage to explain myself. Now I'm confused and I'm sure he's confused too and it's all a bit of a mess.

I don't even know how to show it or explain it. I'm not physically capable of crying in the surgery or anything like that (although I'll be in floods of tears as soon as I get out the door), it's just not how I work. So half the time they can't even tell if I'm not coping, unless I manage to tell them.

We're working on desensitisation at the moment, I'm going to go in more often and hopefully it will gradually get easier. It's certainly the only way I can think of to tackle this. Sometimes I think I'd prefer to go back to how things were before, but it's like they've inadvertently opened up a great big can of worms and there's no way I can get all the worms back in the can now. I think the only way might be to deal with them.


Ugh, sorry, that was really long and probably doesn't make any sense! Does anybody recognise any of this?

 

[carole]

Hi Tink to the forum.

I just spent ages typing a response to you and I have hit something on the keyboard and lost it.

Right I will start again.

I know how you feel, it is like if you don't talk about it, it is contained. As soon as you try and vocalise it you become emotional and cannot get your words out, then it all goes to pot.

I and others I know on here have been there. If you write to your dentist and explain things the way you have on here. You can send it through the post, drop it at reception or hand it to him as you are leaving the next time you go.

I wrote to mine and explained how I felt and that I couldn't discuss it in person as it was just too much. I find writing for me is a much easier way to explain. When we try to vocalise things emotions can take over and then we end up like you did not being able to express ourselves as we would like, or even to make much sense.
Your dentist is working in the dark and guessing at the moment, he is trying, and he sounds really good and as if he is trying to work at a pace he feels you can cope with.

If you can express how you feel on paper or even in an email it would help him to help you.

Good luck I wish you all the best

It is okay to be nervous

 

[Tink]

Thank you Carole, and thank you for the welcome!

That's a good idea, writing might be something to consider. I have been thinking about emailing them and asking if I can arrange to have a short chat with him to attempt to explain it better (I think if I plan carefully what I want to say beforehand and he knows I need to talk to him then I could do it), but writing might work too in terms of setting everything out clearly. I'll give it some thought.

I think a lot of my problem just now is that I don't want to be a nuisance and take up too much of his time - I'm not great at asking for help. I'm sure he would be very happy to help if I could just be brave enough though! You're right that he is very good, and he's trying his best to help but he's not psychic.

 

[carole]

I am also guilty of being afraid of being a nuisance I think it is a common feeling with a lot of people on here too. Because we think we are a problem to the dentist and can't just walk in there like 'normal' people, we think they don't like us or that we are too much trouble. But we aren't, there are very few dentists that may think this way but in general they are only too happy to help, like yours.

I find if I write it down I can take as much time as I like and I can add or take away things too. If I try and talk and plan it I still can think after, Oh I didn't say this or this and I wish I had put that better, so writing is a fool proof way for me.

If you feel you would like to talk and this is your choice then that is right for you. We are all different and one size does not fit all.

I think you will feel much better once this is out in the open to your dentist and I am sure he will be very pleased too, because he will know exactly how to deal with you instead of trying different things, some that might work and some that won't. It will save a lot of him scratching his head.

Good luck I hope you can let us know how you get on I would be very interested to hear how you go, and with the treatment too. Baby steps and take it as you can cope.

 

[Tink]

Thanks Carole.

Well, I decided to email him and arrange to have a chat - I think a two-way conversation works best for me. Email is written, and I've made notes about what I want to say.

Now after a sleepless night I'm trying to screw up the courage to hit "send". It seemed like a good idea yesterday...now I just feel a bit lost.


I was thinking overnight about what happened on Monday - the thing is, I don't think I behave the same way as a lot of nervous patients do. What I do when I'm feeling really, really uncertain and threatened is what I did on Monday; I get very withdrawn and very compliant, far too compliant. I'll sit there and open my mouth when they ask me to, even if I'm not happy. Unless somebody knew me quite well, there would be no outward sign at all that anything was wrong, I just seem like I'm doing really well. So I appeared fine to him, but in fact I'd disengaged completely and might as well have been a rag doll sitting there letting him check my teeth.

That's how my previous dentist got away with doing what he did, and I thought that now I know more about how to work with dentists and all about consent and how it's actually up to me then I wouldn't withdraw like that again. But faced with a routine check-up on Monday that was exactly what I did.

In this case it was fine because he didn't do anything that was outside of my comfort zone, but what worries me is that he could have picked up a drill and started drilling and I would only have offered the feeblest of resistance. With this dentist, I'd be fine because he'd stop at the slightest hint that I wasn't happy so feeble resistance would be plenty, but it scares me a bit because I'd told myself I would never again get into the sort of situation I was in before because now I know better and I could be assertive. Monday's experience suggests that in fact when I feel threatened I still do the emotional equivalent of playing dead and he could have done whatever the heck he wanted with very little push back from me. Thank goodness I've found a dentist who won't take advantage of that.

Still, there are positives:

- I did manage to break out of that and tell him in the end, even if it was garbled and I didn't communicate well - it's a start.

- I know how we might be able to get around the problem; I think if I just ask him to always ask how I really am at the beginning of an appointment then that will do the trick, and never to just rely on how I appear. It looks like sometimes when I'm not OK I still lack the confidence to volunteer that information, but if he asks then that kind of gives me permission to break out of it and tell him the truth.



Gah. Hope some of that made sense, it was mostly just a random pile of thoughts.

 

[nikki06]

I've had anxiety issues for a long time, I saw a therapist for a while and in terms of anxiety, that got worse before it got better.. I remember when it came down to doing the exercises she'd set out, or just leaving the initial appointments where all my problems and upsets were all laid out, I would walk out and say to my partner that I couldn't do it, it shouldn't feel worse, maybe it's not helping and I'm going to end up in a worse state than I am now... In the end I left there feeling a million times better than when I started, I was doing things I couldn't do in years and sometimes it took someone else pointing put just how far I'd come.
So I can relate to the feelings of it being worse than better..

In terms of dentists (and when it comes to most people in general!) I find it hard to assert myself. I sit in the chair and I appear fine, I will appear like all is rosy until I snap and burst into tears and then I feel worse! I cried at one of my last appointments because I'd sat there, let her poke around and because I looked like I could handle it she booked me in for a double appointment to do numerous things.. So I broke down.
There's only my partner that can pick up on my moods and emotions. The last filling I had was sprung on me at a checkup - because again, I looked fine but it was my partner that piped up and asked me if I was ok with that.. Do you have someone you can take with you? I'm lucky that my partner understands, isn't afraid to speak up for me and can get across what it is that I want to say.. I feel like I revert to being a little girl in that dentist chair and without him I would be stuck! At home I'm all tearful, upset or simply angry that I will end up with something forced on me, or doing something that I'm not comfortable with, then I get in the chair and all that goes out the window and its like 'no sir, yes sir...' And I comply until I break!

You're not alone x

 

[carole]

Hi Tink

You are not alone this is more common than you think. There is a common fears tab at the top of this page if you read some of the subjects on there I am almost sure it is listed.

I think if you explain to your dentist that this is how you react he will be only too willing to check with you that you are fine.

Recently I have had to have some long appointments and the dentist that is doing them stops all the time and asks if I am alright, and puts his hand on my shoulder he also tells me I am doing really good and that if I am tired or if I have had enough to let him know and he will stop until another day. Because he is so considerate and caring I have got much more done than I thought I could tolerate.

I do sometimes feel silly and like a kid and I am 55, my nerves have been a life long battle but they will not beat me. But he can see a change in how I am and is pleased that he can now work without me shaking like a mad woman in the chair. I cannot keep him which is a shame but I am glad it is him doing my work now.

So you will be fine and your dentist is so good from what you have said I think he will be really pleased if all he has to do is check you are okay and take it at the pace you can cope with.

Press that send button, it will be fine Good luck

 

[brit]

It sounds like you are over halfway there in that you have found a dentist who treats you with kindness and respect.
Is the ongoing issue related to the fact that he doesn't know your dental backstory yet....as it wasn't necessary to share, since it was obvious from the get go that he would be very different?

It is not at all unusual to feel unassertive with dentists (even ones you like and trust, hence why choosing nice ones is so important so they don't take advantage) - following on from that it is not uncommon to disassociate or to feel unable to speak up for yourself if sth happens that you don't like or if you want more anaesthetic or to take a break.

There are several tips in the 'Loss of control' and abuse survivor sections which may help you make sense of this and find a way forward....you need a stop signal I would say but also need the dentist to be willing to keep checking up on you and not just assuming all is well because you are compliant.

https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/fears/loss-of-control/

 

[Tink]

I've had anxiety issues for a long time, I saw a therapist for a while and in terms of anxiety, that got worse before it got better.. I remember when it came down to doing the exercises she'd set out, or just leaving the initial appointments where all my problems and upsets were all laid out, I would walk out and say to my partner that I couldn't do it, it shouldn't feel worse, maybe it's not helping and I'm going to end up in a worse state than I am now... In the end I left there feeling a million times better than when I started, I was doing things I couldn't do in years and sometimes it took someone else pointing put just how far I'd come.
So I can relate to the feelings of it being worse than better..

In terms of dentists (and when it comes to most people in general!) I find it hard to assert myself. I sit in the chair and I appear fine, I will appear like all is rosy until I snap and burst into tears and then I feel worse! I cried at one of my last appointments because I'd sat there, let her poke around and because I looked like I could handle it she booked me in for a double appointment to do numerous things.. So I broke down.
There's only my partner that can pick up on my moods and emotions. The last filling I had was sprung on me at a checkup - because again, I looked fine but it was my partner that piped up and asked me if I was ok with that.. Do you have someone you can take with you? I'm lucky that my partner understands, isn't afraid to speak up for me and can get across what it is that I want to say.. I feel like I revert to being a little girl in that dentist chair and without him I would be stuck! At home I'm all tearful, upset or simply angry that I will end up with something forced on me, or doing something that I'm not comfortable with, then I get in the chair and all that goes out the window and its like 'no sir, yes sir...' And I comply until I break!

You're not alone x

Ohthankgoodnessitsnotjustme! I thought I was losing the plot for a while there, thank you nikki!

Your partner sounds great, so glad you've found a way that works for you there.

I have a lovely partner too, but he's very squeamish so that's a non-starter, it's no good if we have to stop and scrape him off the floor halfway through the appointment

For me personally I think the answer is to make sure that the dentist gets it and work together to get to the stage where he can tell if I'm OK or not, and I feel confident enough to tell him. Happily he's already demonstrated that he won't (knowingly!) push things past where I'm comfortable with, and on one occasion it was actually him who made the decision to stop as things were getting too difficult for me (mid-filling, he packed it with a temporary dressing to come back to it another day). I was still valiantly trying to get through it because at the time I thought that was what you were supposed to do, I would not have dreamed of asking him to stop so he made the call himself.

I think what I need most is confidence.


Oh, and the thing about regressing to childhood, yep, I definitely do that! I get so annoyed with myself for it too. My old dentist used to treat me like a child too. Seriously, he once patted me on the head and called me "toots". I was 34.

 

[Tink]

Hi Tink

You are not alone this is more common than you think. There is a common fears tab at the top of this page if you read some of the subjects on there I am almost sure it is listed.

I think if you explain to your dentist that this is how you react he will be only too willing to check with you that you are fine.

Recently I have had to have some long appointments and the dentist that is doing them stops all the time and asks if I am alright, and puts his hand on my shoulder he also tells me I am doing really good and that if I am tired or if I have had enough to let him know and he will stop until another day. Because he is so considerate and caring I have got much more done than I thought I could tolerate.

I do sometimes feel silly and like a kid and I am 55, my nerves have been a life long battle but they will not beat me. But he can see a change in how I am and is pleased that he can now work without me shaking like a mad woman in the chair. I cannot keep him which is a shame but I am glad it is him doing my work now.

So you will be fine and your dentist is so good from what you have said I think he will be really pleased if all he has to do is check you are okay and take it at the pace you can cope with.

Press that send button, it will be fine Good luck

Well, I sent it. Will see what happens next...I hope he responds well (everything so far suggests that he will, but you know how it is, you start to doubt yourself). I'll let you know how it all worked out once I've spoken to him.

You're right by the way, the section about fear of crying or making a fool of yourself mentions overcomplicance. In fact it says that this is very common. Definitely not just me then.

Sorry to hear you can't keep your good dentist Carole, he sounds great. Hopefully he can at least leave you in a much better position and you'll find another good one to take over.

 

[Tink]

It sounds like you are over halfway there in that you have found a dentist who treats you with kindness and respect.
Is the ongoing issue related to the fact that he doesn't know your dental backstory yet....as it wasn't necessary to share, since it was obvious from the get go that he would be very different?

It is not at all unusual to feel unassertive with dentists (even ones you like and trust, hence why choosing nice ones is so important so they don't take advantage) - following on from that it is not uncommon to disassociate or to feel unable to speak up for yourself if sth happens that you don't like or if you want more anaesthetic or to take a break.

There are several tips in the 'Loss of control' and abuse survivor sections which may help you make sense of this and find a way forward....you need a stop signal I would say but also need the dentist to be willing to keep checking up on you and not just assuming all is well because you are compliant.

Thank you brit.

Well, my new dentist does know my back story, or at least the bit about what my previous dentist did which I think is the really significant bit. I told him about it the last time I was in (the appointment before this one), which was very difficult but I think very helpful and he said he was glad I told him.

Generally I'm quite good at telling him how I am and where I'm at, but then this time I suddenly found myself slipping back into my old way of withdrawing - it's no wonder he was confused. Once I admitted to being a mess, he said he had been surprised at how well I was doing - maybe now he'll start to take that as a sign things might not be all they seem (if it seems to good to be true...it probably is).

I think (hope!) you're right, I think I am halfway there, I was just kind of dismayed at how much of an impact this is having after I've found the good dentist, and how easily I slipped back again. All it took to throw me off course the other day was a big queue of people in the waiting room (he was running a bit behind so of course I worried about holding up all those people after me - of course I was working on the assumption that all those people are more important than me).

Re. stop signals, you're quite right, for me the big deal is not so much having a stop signal as actually being able to use it. It's very difficult to stop seeing the dentist as an authority figure.

I wonder how long it takes to get all the way there?

 

[carole]

Hi Tink

Glad you hit the send

I don't think you will need to worry about the stop signal, my dentist says I can stop him but of course I never do, I think because he understands me that is why he asks me if I am fine all the time. It gives me a get out of this chance. But just knowing I can with no consequences makes me feel much easier, and the fact that he asks means I only have to shake my head if I am not okay. The dentist I am seeing most at the moment is a hospital dentist doing a re treat on a rct'd tooth. I do have a really nice female dentist that is my usual dentist but as i haven't had any treatment by her as such like a filling, I don't know how good she will be with me. I think she will be really good as she is very considerate when I see her.

Your dentist sounds perfect and I think after he gets your email he will know exactly how to treat you, which he seems to know already. I think it was brilliant that he stopped mid filling and packed it for another day, it shows he is on the ball and knows his stuff. He is caring and is putting you emotional well being first in order to treat your teeth. This has the knock on effect of you returning and getting less and less afraid.

I am still nervous and always have been but by finding good considerate dentists it means we can maintain our oral health once we get healthy.

Good luck to you I think you have struck gold with your dentist. Keep him

 

[vicki]

Hi Tink

I had (and still have to some extent) very similar problems, in that I can also come across as over compliant and as though there's nothing wrong when in reality, I'm probably falling apart inside. I had years of bad experiences when I was younger and it was during this time that I learned not to show the dentist that I was scared, otherwise more bad things would happen. Showing any sign of being scared was a bad move and usually made the dentist really angry. I stopped going to the dentist when I was 15 because I couldn't stand it any longer and it was another 8 or 9 years until I ended up having to go to a dentist because I'd started having problems with my teeth. I'd registered at an NHS practice and over the next few years, I saw a different dentist more or less every 18-24 months because they never stayed there long. Most of them were either too hurried or not interested in helping someone who was nervous (or in my case terrified!) and in any case, they didn't really have the time. So I learned to try and hide it as best I could because I was scared of something bad happening if they found out.

When I first met the dentist I go to now, I decided that I had to start overcoming my fear otherwise nothing would change and things would just continue as they were. I used to have sleepless nights and wasn't very communicative during appointments because I was scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and something bad happening as a result. I would even go as far as making sure I was well covered up so I could hide as much of the nervous blotchy red skin rash as I could and I would also sit on my hands to stop them shaking so that nobody found out. Although I was absolutely terrified, to anyone else I probably looked mildly anxious.

For me, part of trying to overcome the fear included telling my dentist a bit about what happened in my past and what I'm scared of now, including the fact that I sometimes get so paralysed with fear that I can't signal that I want to stop, even if a stop signal is offered.

I found that once I'd got it out in the open (and I found it very difficult to talk about), it was almost like things started to make sense to my dentist and although I thought that I was being a nuisance at the time, it means that he now knows what I'm scared of, which means that he's got a better idea of how to help. By having 'the discussion' it was almost like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders; I had no need to hide it anymore, so it was almost like giving myself permission to be scared.

One thing that I did find, was that after I'd talked about my fears and a bit about what had happened before, the fact that I had nothing to hide anymore meant that my reactions to things during appointments changed; where I would've previously come across as extremely compliant and quiet, not moving a muscle, now if I'm scared, it shows. I tremble, shake, hyperventilate and panic sometimes but my dentist is well aware of this and knows how to deal with it now. Although it might seem like I've become worse during appointments, a lot of the anxiety about what would happen if he found out has gone, I don't get as stressed before appointments and if I do get scared during treatment, then I now know that nothing bad will happen. I've also gone from barely being able to speak to being able to hold a reasonable two-way conversation with my dentist.

I think I am halfway there, I was just kind of dismayed at how much of an impact this is having after I've found the good dentist, and how easily I slipped back again.

I don't think you necessarily have slipped back; sometimes you have to take a couple of steps back to move forwards and having a discussion with your dentist is all part of this process.

I suppose it's a bit like having a spot (you know, the really horrible ones that you just *have* to squeeze - even though you know you shouldn't ). You can either leave the spot to grow and get bigger as all the nasty goo inside festers and gets worse, or, you can squeeze it and let all the goo out, which although it's horrible and gets worse for a little while, the spot will then start to heal. In terms of dental phobia, everyone's spot is slightly different, but once you squeeze it, you might find that you start to feel better.

Re. stop signals, you're quite right, for me the big deal is not so much having a stop signal as actually being able to use it. It's very difficult to stop seeing the dentist as an authority figure.

I can't use stop signals either. The best I can do is make a noise if something hurts. If I'm feeling really scared, then sometimes I end up either breathing too fast or sometimes I end up making small really feeble noises that I'm not always aware of until after they come out (which is embarrassing!) and they're all signs that I need a break. My dentist always says at the start of every appointment to let him know if I need a break but he also knows that I can't always let him know. Just being told that you can stop at any time does give you a sense of control over things, but my dentist also stops regularly anyway to check how I am and he also stops if I either breathe too fast or make any noises. Somehow, I always find it easier to tell him that I need a break if he asks me, rather than me having to ask him.

Many people find that having regular breaks (including me) does help to overcome the problem of not being able to use stop signals because you know that the next pause isn't far away, so it doesn't matter if you can't raise your hand or say something.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you get a positive reply to your email soon .

 

[Tink]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you get a positive reply to your email soon .

Right now any kind of reply would be good, I don't think I can cope with this much longer

I really hope I didn't get this one all wrong. So much for the "perfect" dentist.

 

[vicki]

From what you've said so far, it doesn't sound as though you've got it wrong.

When did you send the email? It could be that they're busy and are waiting until later on today before replying or contacting you. Also, did you send the email to a general practice email address or to your dentist's own email address? They probably get lots of emails every day, so it will take a bit of time to get through them all.

If they still haven't replied by Monday lunchtime, maybe you could give them a call just to check that your email has been received, then that way you'll know for sure and if they haven't got it, then you know to send it again. All you need to say is something along the lines of "I sent an email the other day and was just wondering whether you'd received it".

 

[Tink]

From what you've said so far, it doesn't sound as though you've got it wrong.

When did you send the email? It could be that they're busy and are waiting until later on today before replying or contacting you. Also, did you send the email to a general practice email address or to your dentist's own email address? They probably get lots of emails every day, so it will take a bit of time to get through them all.

If they still haven't replied by Monday lunchtime, maybe you could give them a call just to check that your email has been received, then that way you'll know for sure and if they haven't got it, then you know to send it again. All you need to say is something along the lines of "I sent an email the other day and was just wondering whether you'd received it".

I know, I keep telling myself that lots of emails get lost too, email is really unreliable.

I sent it on Wednesday. It was kind of both the practice email address and his own one if you see what I mean - the main email contact listed on the website is his own one, since he's the boss. I've checked, and I definitely sent it to the right email address, and there's nothing in my spam folder. I did email once him before and got a reply within 2 hours.

I'm just working myself up into a state because it took me nearly 2 days to screw up the courage to hit "send" and I've been left sort of hanging. It's hard enough to send an email, I don't know if I could manage to phone and I really haven't a clue how I would begin to explain to the receptionist why I need to talk to him.

There was a phase a while ago when I was trying to get my previous dentist on the phone to organise sedation (he had promised to call me, but he didn't). It took literally weeks and the message I got loud and clear was that the dentist is too busy and important to come to the phone and I mustn't bother him.

So now my new dentist says I should email him if I need to - I need to, I email him...and nothing happens.


I'll probably try resending it and asking them to call me. That'll work if they're getting my emails but I'm not getting their replies and it means I don't have to find the courage to call them.

Meanwhile I just need to try and stop my head from heading off to a Crazy Place. I'm sure there's a perfectly straightforward explanation.

 

[vicki]

So now my new dentist says I should email him if I need to - I need to, I email him...and nothing happens.

I'll probably try resending it and asking them to call me. That'll work if they're getting my emails but I'm not getting their replies and it means I don't have to find the courage to call them.

Meanwhile I just need to try and stop my head from heading off to a Crazy Place. I'm sure there's a perfectly straightforward explanation.

It could be that your dentist is on holiday or off sick for a few days maybe. If someone else at the practice is picking up his emails whilst he's not there, then perhaps they've decided to leave your email for him to answer himself when he gets back.

Or it might be that he's just not that great at keeping up with admin . Some dentists are great at what they do and good with people, but not always that good with the admin side of things. I remember when I went for the initial consultation with the endodontist who I'm seeing at the moment for a few root canals. We were sat talking in his office after he'd had a look at my teeth and he was going through the treatment options with me. He said he would write to me to confirm everything that we'd discussed but that it might be that I'd started treatment before the letter came. I thought he was joking, but then he said "I will be writing to you, but then I tell that to all the patients who come here" and he moved his chair to one side and on the floor were piles and piles of patient notes which were waiting for him to sort out and write letters to!! He's absolutely lovely, but somehow I don't think he enjoys paperwork .

I'm sure there will be some explanation for it. If you re-send the email, you could ask them to either confirm receipt via email or give you a call to confirm that they've got it. Asking people to confirm that they've received an email is quite normal, especially given how often emails can go missing.

 

[carole]

Don't worry Tink, I once wrote my dentist a letter and I didn't hear anything back. But when I went for my next appointment he said he had received my letter and thanked me.

Same with the dentist I see now before I saw her I sent an email explaining how I felt about going, again no reply. I regretted sending it until I got to the appointment and she said she had got my email and was sorry she hadn't replied but that she wasn't very good with the computer and emails.

I do hope you get an answer soon. You could send another email asking if they received your first email.

Do let us know what happens, but please don't stress it won't be for any sinister reason that they haven't got straight back to you. They wouldn't want you to feel how you are about it. It could even be like vicki has mentioned that they have got a lot of mails to answer and want to give each one a proper response.

All the best

 

[Tink]

It's fine, resent the email and then I heard back - going to talk to him on Monday. Feel a bit silly now

Thanks everybody.

Good grief, this week has been a bit of a rollercoaster...my plan for the weekend involves getting drunk and watching Eurovision*. Might as well embrace the crazy!



(* US posters: you probably have no idea what Eurovision is. All I can say is you're missing out!)

 

[Steve In Cleveland]

I'll second vicki and carole's assurances. Some dentists are really good about phoning and answering emails. Most-- even the good ones-- seem not to. But in my experience, it's also pretty likely that the dentist will read your letter and keep it on file. And I've never heard of a dentist being upset, offended, or otherwise weirded-out by honest communication from a patient.

This whole topic of the emotional aspects of getting treatment is very interesting. I saw a therapist for about a year prior to going back to the dentist. We never talked about dentistry or my fears of the dentist (I actually was really afraid that the topic would even come up) but a lot of the work we did made me better prepared to handle the relationship with my dentist. Like you, I found that the process of emotional healing often felt like moving backwards. Issues and topics that I thought I was "dealing with" -- by holding them inside-- ended up coming out in all kinds of weepy, messy, snotty ways once we started talking about them.

So, "getting over" dental phobia sometimes means that you're still learning how to feel and communicate that area between being completely terrified and avoidant, and being completely fine and calm. We tend to try to jump from one to the other: "I'm no longer terrified of the dentist, so now I should be able to stroll in and sit calmly through anything." So when the dentist asks, "How are you doing?" during a procedure, we feel like the right answer is "fine!" If we admit that we're actually having a hard time, we think that we've failed, or are backsliding, or somehow letting ourselves or the dentist down.

I remember some very emotional sessions in therapy when my therapist started asking me, "How do you FEEL?" I was so used to just saying "fine" or "ok", and I wasn't used to being able to say, "I'm angry" or "I'm unhappy". It was the same experience. As soon as it became acceptable to say, "Actually, I'm lonely/sad/scared/etc" then it was like the fountain had been turned on! I'd go home thinking, boy, yesterday I was able to just say "I'm fine" and it was cool-- now someone asks me how I feel and I end up sobbing for half an hour. This is progress??

BUT, learning how to ask for help, communicate my emotional/physical state, etc, made the dental experience a lot easier. Some days I'd go in and say, "I'm really feeling extra nervous today," instead of just sitting rigid and stoic. My dentist is really compassionate and was able to take little comments like that and make things easier-- maybe do less work that scheduled, or give me extra time and breaks that day. She's also really good at catching little twitches when something makes me uncomfortable but I'm too withdrawn to mention it. Early on she noticed my eyes getting a little big when she reclined the chair all the way. She said, "Does that bother you when I lean you back?" I was halfway through saying, "That's okay, I'll deal with it" when she said, "No, that's not okay, you should be comfortable. It's okay to ask me if you don't like something." It took a lot of that kind of them to allow me to open up to her. (My dentist also has a psychology degree-- I think that helps!)

It sounds like your dentist and staff are lovely and compassionate, which is great. Dentists are pretty used to people being anywhere from nervous to terrified-- even "normal" people don't come in exactly calm for big procedures-- so the good ones put real effort into helping keep you at ease. I think you're doing great! Go ahead and let yourself unravel in the dentist's office a little bit. If you bring a teddy bear or some other comfort object to squeeze, or if you end up breaking down crying sometimes, just trust that your dentist has seen plenty of people lose it, and will give you the nurturing you need to get you through. (Actually I think crying in front of the dentist makes them even more compassionate-- when they see you sitting stoically or pretending to be fine, they think you're doing fine...) No one's going to mock you or think you're a freak. And outside the dentist's office, you can pull yourself together and no one has to know about the big weeping bowl of Jello you were in the chair.

DEFINITELY don't worry about the dentist's schedule, or the people waiting, or whether your request for a little break is going to put them behind schedule. Even if you are, that's his problem, not yours! Keep working on speaking up for yourself, and telling the dentist when you're not ok, and things will continue to get better, even when it feels like they're getting worse.