Helping a friend. I value your feedback!

[liberated]

Just wanted to clarify when you say NHS dentist , do you mean one in the UK? I just want to clarify that as I thought you were based elsewhere.

You've got great memory, Brit.   No, I don't mean in the UK. But here in the Czech Republic we have a system that I think is very similar to UK's NHS, so I used this term so that I wouldn't get "lost in translation". And I apparently confused you by using it. Sorry.

If you are curious I can write you more about our health care system, but basicaly there is possibility to get pretty cheap, but just the basic and usually (there are of course exceptions) lower quality care or a bit more expensive but also more comprehensive and usually better quality care. The differences between these two are pretty similar to what I have read in the "NHS vs. private" thread, but the system is a bit different.

 

[brit]

No, I don't mean in the UK. But here in the Czech Republic we have a system that I think is very similar to UK's NHS, so I used this term so that I wouldn't get "lost in translation". And I apparently confused you by using it. Sorry.

If you are curious I can write you more about our health care system, but basicaly there is possibility to get pretty cheap, but just the basic and usually (there are of course exceptions) lower quality care or a bit more expensive but also more comprehensive and usually better quality care. The differences between these two are pretty similar to what I have read in the "NHS vs. private" thread, but the system is a bit different.

That would be interesting - maybe do a thread in one of the more general areas or comment on the similarities under the existing NHS versus private thread in Your two Cents worth.

I'm sure you and Letsconnect are right in this case but the best opposite proverb I could find so far is 'you can't make an omlette without breaking some eggs' where the eggs are 'someone's feelings' - which I suppose just about sums up what has indeed happened here!

 

[vict4ia]

I agree with the others. Brit raises a lot of good points but I think that if you keep chipping away, the only thing that will crumble will be your friendship. The exception, of course, is if your friend eventually asks for your help.

To get back to the rat analogy, how would you feel if every now and then your well-intentioned friend said, "So, about those rats..."?

When you apologize you could consider adding something like, "I want to be the best possible friend to you that I can be. Please let me know how or if I can best support you. If that includes just butting out and minding my own business, I can do that. But, whatever you decide or don't decide, I'm here for you."

Good luck with it and, as others have said, thanks for trying.

 

[bear79]

I think another important factor that everyone seems to have left out is embarassment - your friend is embarassed that a)you noticed and b) that she has to admit everything in front of you.

None of my friends have ever said anything but i know they know because you can see - its obvious. I would be sooooo embarrased if anyone esp my friends said anything to me about it and i would probably react in the same way these girls have.

 

[North]

good

hey all!

ok, so it's Kittie again. i have some good news this time. i didn't completely blow it with Amy though there were some hard weeks at first. i think we're ok now. i know Amy can get through this! we're gonna be ok!

what kind of happened was that, at first, we didn't talk at all like you guys suggested just to let things cool off. then, she actually started talking to me again and we just talked *around the subject* of our friendship in general and how i blew it when i was trying to help her when i approached her about the dentist thing. that was ok, because i wasn't sure i wanted to go full out on the subject either, of the failed intervention.

i really have to thank everyone for helping me understand the concept of this fear better so i could empathize better. you're all right, it would be like asking someone to stick their body into a bucket full of rats if they were deathly afraid of rats: not only would it be totally gross for the average person, but cruel and impossible for someone phobic. i can be such an idiot sometimes, thanks for not getting mad at me for being insensitive.

with amy, i also brought up the fact that i suck because i was too eager and micro-managing and forceful and i had probably embarrassed her with my concern. and i brought up the fact that she's a goalie and i play defense so it's my duty to always protect the net and protect her if any opposition player gets too close to the crease and i basically just said in general that i loved her and that she's my bestest friend ever and i just wanted her to be ok.

and she talked around stuff like how she felt i was treating her like incompetent and like a child and assuming she couldn't take care of herself. then we hugged and cried a lot. i didn't mind the crying. i think my heart needed it.

i found out now, again, in a round-a-bout way that, unlike what i was thinking, Amy was not in denial about her dental health at all and she was thinking about it all the time and worrying about it all the time and stressing about it all the time... so the last thing she needed was me sticking my gueule in there. i didn't realize that she had been secretly obsessing about it.

she never told me when or where she got in contact with the dentist i recommended. i guess it doesn't matter, she's in the lead with this thing. but anyway, she's been emailing this dentist -- i think the conversations were over email and i think it's great that dentists offer this options for their patients.

anyway, Amy was kinda sorta saying that she had already been working on/thinking about some way to solve this dental phobia problem herself but needed a dentist on the other end of things to help complete the process. so they've basically worked out a plan between them.

this i know because i've been designated as support. i'm so happy she asked me to help because i thot she'd never trust me again. i'll do anything for her. (ok, no, i won't overstep my bounds again, that's for sure ... i'm so glad i didn't blow it)

so anyway, amy's gonna get some anti-biotics. and i'm super glad she won't be rinsing with diluted bleach anymore, because she'll be getting some prescribed mouth rinse instead. and oh ya, this dentist is so good that he's even -- this is where i come in -- worked out a plan for her to take some meds before the appointment to help her calm her down and get her to the office, to take the edge off the whole start of this journey. so she'll take this pill the night before and the morning after and i have to help get to the office cuz she'll be all dopey.

and then, apparently, the dentist will sedate her from there so she won't be overwhelmed by feeling fear or anything. i think it's really kind of him that he'd care about her mental health as well as her physical health like that. i don't want her to be scared. i'll do anything to keep her from being scared. i said i'd stay with her the whole time during the appointment even at her side if she needs me even tho she'll be sleeping and for as long as she needs afterwards because it apparently takes some time to wake up afterwards.

things are looking positive. i can tell it really helps to get a supportive dentist to get the ball rolling on things. again, i think it's awesome that he cares so much about making sure she's ok mentally as well as physically.

thanks for listening!

 

[lotus]

Hi Kittie and yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

I'm so glad things look like they are going the right way for you and your friend Amy, both the fact that she looks like she is getting things together with a dentist and the fact that your friendship is on track again! She has shown great trust in you by allowing you to be her support and you should take that as an incredible compliment. Having my partner with me at every appointment has been great for me for a few reasons; just because it's easier to deal with everything in general with someone there on your side and it helps to have someone else there to ask questions and remember things the dentist has said, as it can sometimes be so overwhelming just being there, taking in information is a whole other issue!

It's so great she seems to have found a supportive dentist, they are out there, it's just a matter of finding them! I'm so happy things are looking up for you both, you sound like you are both lucky to have each other!

Lotus

 

[scaredstiff]

Great news to hear that Amy is in control of her dental journey and of course, that you and she are OK. It may be that she was thinkking about it all along, knowing what she had to do, and it may well be also that despite the way it turned out initially after you tried to help, it may have been just what she needed to get her really going in the right direction. So, all in all, I think you did well.

 

[brit]

I have sent you a pm

I have sent you a pm.