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Hit the panic button and there's still a week to go

T

Tink

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Not a good day, both the counsellor and I were in tears at the end of today's appointment which made me feel worse.

Feel like eating my body weight in chocolate but then I think "best not or I'll get cavities"

Urghhhhh
Oh no, can I ask what happened?

One small bodyweight of chocolate in an emergency won't hurt, you can always brush your teeth after! ;)

Hugs :XXLhug:
 
The1701

The1701

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Oh no, can I ask what happened?

One small bodyweight of chocolate in an emergency won't hurt, you can always brush your teeth after! ;)

Hugs :XXLhug:
Thanks for the hug, it was very much appreciated.

It all went wrong when we were going over some of the stuff that led up to me being attacked. I was finding it really difficult as I've never spoken about any of that with anyone else since the trial so I was pretty raw, part way through I noticed the counsellor was starting to well up so I asked if I'd said something wrong and she got all choked up, I felt dreadful. She then apologised and said it was ok, that I should carry on but I felt awful and still do. Not my finest hour I have to say.
 
T

Tink

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Joined
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Messages
755
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Thanks for the hug, it was very much appreciated.

It all went wrong when we were going over some of the stuff that led up to me being attacked. I was finding it really difficult as I've never spoken about any of that with anyone else since the trial so I was pretty raw, part way through I noticed the counsellor was starting to well up so I asked if I'd said something wrong and she got all choked up, I felt dreadful. She then apologised and said it was ok, that I should carry on but I felt awful and still do. Not my finest hour I have to say.
Here's another one :XXLhug:

You definitely haven't done anything wrong! There's no need to feel bad - sounds like she just got moved by your story, excess of empathy maybe - or possibly it pushed some of her buttons, who knows. You really didn't say anything wrong!

This is not your fault, at all, don't let your head tell you that there's something you should be beating yourself up for. Sometimes I've found that once you start dealing with stuff, your head fights back even harder as it's way of thinking starts being challenged. Mine certainly does that, I had a huge battle with myself earlier this week!

Counsellors and the like usually have their own support network and therapy sessions to help them cope with the job, she will have some sort of support - or at least she should, if they're any good.

Maybe have a conversation about it with her, tell her how you're feeling about it and figure out together if she is in a position to provide the help you need? If you feel that she's not the right person for you, then you can always move on.
 
The1701

The1701

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Messages
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Here's another one :XXLhug:

You definitely haven't done anything wrong! There's no need to feel bad - sounds like she just got moved by your story, excess of empathy maybe - or possibly it pushed some of her buttons, who knows. You really didn't say anything wrong!

This is not your fault, at all, don't let your head tell you that there's something you should be beating yourself up for. Sometimes I've found that once you start dealing with stuff, your head fights back even harder as it's way of thinking starts being challenged. Mine certainly does that, I had a huge battle with myself earlier this week!

Counsellors and the like usually have their own support network and therapy sessions to help them cope with the job, she will have some sort of support - or at least she should, if they're any good.

Maybe have a conversation about it with her, tell her how you're feeling about it and figure out together if she is in a position to provide the help you need? If you feel that she's not the right person for you, then you can always move on.
Thanks Tink, I do know you are right and she did make a point of reassuring me before I left that I had said nothing wrong. She said she just felt bad about what happened to me and the fact that I have been dealing with it alone for so long and that made her sad. She apologised to me for causing me to be upset and asked if I would be ok to return to work or if I would rather go home; I said I would get my lunch break and then go back to work which I did but I was rather off my game the rest of the day.

I was quite taken aback by her reaction, I really didn't expect that. I know it will sound daft but I walked out thinking, crikey it really was that bad then wasn't it? I've never really had a frame of reference before I guess, I just got by as best I could with what I had as I didn't know there was anything else to do.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on nonsensically, it has actually helped clear my head though and I feel quite a bit better now.
 
The1701

The1701

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Thank you, I even kept off the chocolate! Well almost - I had one wee cube of dairy milk in the end. Feeling better this morning, I get it now - she had a purely human reaction and that's OK.
 
T

Tink

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Messages
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Thank you, I even kept off the chocolate! Well almost - I had one wee cube of dairy milk in the end. Feeling better this morning, I get it now - she had a purely human reaction and that's OK.
Yes, it is OK :XXLhug:

Hope you're OK too! Take good care of yourself today x
 
The1701

The1701

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Thanks again Tink, feeling a bit better about it now. I think this has probably been the reason behind my reluctance to send that info sheet to the Dentist so it may have actually been a help in a way as I think I've now got to the bottom of what was holding me back.


I did manage to forget about all of itfor a few hours on Friday as I had the makeover photo-shoot afterwork and it was a total hoot. I was very well looked after by twolovely young men - G did my hair and make-up and H took thephotographs. I even got a few lessons in make-up techniques which was really good as with me being brought up mainly by my Grandparents I bypassed the usual teenage girl phase of experimenting with make-up and listening to boy bands, I preferred to watch Star Trek or David Attenborough documentaries and read Gerald Durrell instead of “Just Seventeen” and “Jackie”. G asked me if I wanted him to do some contouring on my face to highlight my cheeks and if I preferred a tight-line on my lids, I just stared at him like he had spoken to me in a foreign language (which he pretty much had). My friend then said, tongue in cheek, “You'll have to forgive The 1701, she was brought up in a cave in some back-water town which was cut off from the rest of civilisation so she is a bit behind the times.” Glaughed and said, “Welcome to the 21st century darling,let me introduce you to some products.” And thus began my crashcourse in the art of make-up. I have to say though that it's not just Dentists that have scary instruments of torture – eyelash curlers anyone? I mean seriously those things are VERY scary!


Once I was done being made over we moved onto the studio and this is were I got a bit nervous as I was on the “wrong” side of the camera but H was lovely and made me feel relaxed quite quickly and he was soon snapping away. My friend shouted at me to stop grimacing and smile properly as she rightly pointed out I had spent a lot of money getting the teeth sorted so I should show them off and I realised I had forgotten that I no longer have to hide my teeth. After a while my friend suggested I change into a shorter dress which I wasn't very keen on as I have scars on my legs but G offered to dab some “fairy dust” on them(concealer) and I went for it. Before I knew it I was twirling around and giggling like a mad thing.


After that we went to look at the images on H's laptop and I was blown away, they were wonderful! Istarted to well up a bit as I said, “oh! You've made me look PRETTY” H got a bit confused by this and said, “Is that not a good thing?” My friend then explained to him that sometimes women cry when they are happy and the poor lad looked even more confused by this but was relieved I was happy with the pictures. We also had a look at the difference having the teeth fixed has made – H put up a picture of me “grimacing” next to one of me smiling properly and I have to say the difference is incredible, it really does change everything and I do look better for it. I realise now that the hard work has been worth it, not just for being healthy again but for feeling better about myself and I am going to keep it up even though it isn't easy.


H gave me a copy of all the pictures on a CD so I can get some prints made from them and G gave me a list of all the products he used as well as links to some You-Tube tutorials on eye make up. In return I agreed they could use the pictures for marketing material when they start their own business in the next year or two - they are planning to open a studio dedicated to luxury makeovers which I think is excellent and I am sure they will do really well.


All in all it was a fabulously fun 2 hours during which I was able to let go and have some fun for a bit. I would definitely recommend doing this to anyone looking for a way to celebrate having had some dental work done as it is not only a lovely treat but also let's you see the difference of having the work done.
 
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The1701

The1701

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So I had another counselling session today, it went a LOT better than last time. The Counsellor explained what happens to the brain after a trauma which was really interesting, it feels a bit more reassuring to know the science of what is going on rather than just feeling like you are going mad. Still a lot of work to be done but I feel a bit more positive this week than I was last week.
 
The1701

The1701

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Messages
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Anyone out there that can offer some words of support?

I haven't quite hit the panic button yet but with two weeks to go till my next cleaning appointment I am finding the doubts are creeping in again. I've been feeling fairly positive and confident up until now as I figured that if I survived getting the filling done without having a melt down then I will be ok with another clean. The important thing is that I really want to get it done - I'm quite excited by the idea of having nice clean teeth in time for Christmas. The problem is I keep hearing the voice of anxiety saying, "why are you bothering? You know you'll screw up again - you always do".

I've been trying to remind myself how far I've come but it doesn't always work, I have very little faith in myself I think.
 
Sevena

Sevena

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These moments are probably gonna reoccur for a while - but they should start to get sparser. I know I had moments like that a lot while getting over the worst of my health anxiety and agoraphobia. I still get them now - moments of doubt. "I don't want to go outside today, I feel like it will be bad and I'll regress right back to the beginning" and "Why am I bothering trying to get a degree, I'm probably going to fail like I always do." Even people without traumas and mental health issues suffer periods like these. They're human.

You just gotta talk yourself out of that mindset the best you can. Remind yourself that last time was fine, and so logically, with this being an easier procedure, it will be fine too. Remind yourself of the goal: squeaky clean for christmas. Remind yourself that no, you don't always screw it up. Look how far you've come. Nothing can *undo* that progress. You've done all these things, got that tooth fixed, told your story to a counsellor. The voice of anxiety can't change that.

At first, you might not really believe what you're saying. But keep at it.

And have a hug :hug4:
 
The1701

The1701

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Messages
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Edinburgh
Thanks for the hug Sevena, it's good to know someone else understands what it's like! My partner is lovely and all but he doesn't get why I'm so worked up over a cleaning appointment and it's impossible to explain it to someone who doesn't understand what anxiety is like, he just tells me to stop worrying so much.

I keep trying to think logically - as you said another round of cleaning is not going to be anywhere near as stressful as the filling was. I've also tried reminding myself that I've had more successful than unsuccessful visits to the Dentist but the memories of the unsuccessful ones keep derailing me.

Thanks again for listening to me ramble, it helps a lot.
 
T

Tink

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Joined
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Messages
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I haven't quite hit the panic button yet but with two weeks to go till my next cleaning appointment I am finding the doubts are creeping in again. I've been feeling fairly positive and confident up until now as I figured that if I survived getting the filling done without having a melt down then I will be ok with another clean. The important thing is that I really want to get it done - I'm quite excited by the idea of having nice clean teeth in time for Christmas. The problem is I keep hearing the voice of anxiety saying, "why are you bothering? You know you'll screw up again - you always do".

I've been trying to remind myself how far I've come but it doesn't always work, I have very little faith in myself I think.
Hello -

For what it's worth, this is completely normal! x

It's a long road, and it's hard sometimes. It can feel like two steps forward and one step back. I ended up having a sleepless night last night over an appointment to just sit in the chair and chat to the dentist today - just a chat, that was it. We're all on that road somewhere - keep at it, you are doing so, so well!

Anxiety does this - it magnifies all your worries and "failures" (including distorting some things that aren't actually failures at all…) and dismisses the successes. I find it helps to write things down - an online friend of mine has appointed an inner "department of propaganda" who she tasks with writing the positive spin on what she's achieved - I tried it a couple of weeks ago when struggling, it works :D

FWIW I have faith in you and plenty to spare, would you like me to pop some in the post?

Here's another hug to add to Sevena's :XXLhug:

Tink x
 
The1701

The1701

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Messages
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Edinburgh
Hello -

For what it's worth, this is completely normal! x

It's a long road, and it's hard sometimes. It can feel like two steps forward and one step back. I ended up having a sleepless night last night over an appointment to just sit in the chair and chat to the dentist today - just a chat, that was it. We're all on that road somewhere - keep at it, you are doing so, so well!
Thank you, I am really determined to keep on going but yes it does get really hard at times.

FWIW I have faith in you and plenty to spare, would you like me to pop some in the post?

Here's another hug to add to Sevena's :XXLhug:

Tink x
Thank you! I wish it were possible to buy self confidence, I am so lacking it right now.

On the plus side I do trust the Dental staff, I just wish I could get my badly wired subconscious to accept this fact and then I would be a lot less likely to go into meltdown mode.
 
The1701

The1701

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Well that's the one week reminder text arrived today, I felt a bit sickly when I saw it but nowhere near as bad as last time. Still wobbling away but I am challenging the negative thoughts when they occur albeit this is tough at times as sometimes they do make sense and it can be hard not to succumb to the belief that I am a screw-up.

I am also treating this as a positive step forward for me as a person though. I used to think, "Hah, I'm still alive so that means they didn't beat me altogether" but actually it's been a hollow victory as I've not really been living a full life. So I'm seeing this whole overcoming the dental phobia thing as a step in the right direction towards taking my life back and really living and that makes me feel so much more empowered to keep going despite the worries.
 
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Sevena

Sevena

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That's a really good way of looking at it. Sometimes we don't realise we're not really living life until it hits us out the blue and we're like, oh. Nothing changes overnight, but just realising that there's things you can improve on is good, it gives you something to work towards.

Well done for challenging the negativity! I know how hard it is. You're doing brilliantly though. :)
 
T

Tink

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I am also treating this as a positive step forward for me as a person though. I used to think, "Hah, I'm still alive so that means they didn't beat me altogether" but actually it's been a hollow victory as I've not really been living a full life. So I'm seeing this whole overcoming the dental phobia thing as a step in the right direction towards taking my life back and really living and that makes me feel so much more empowered to keep going despite the worries.
Wow. That is genuinely awesome :D
 
The1701

The1701

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Totally gutted, my appointment was meant to be tomorrow evening and I got a call to say that it has been cancelled. There is a totally unforseen and legitimate reason for the cancellation but I am still totally gutted as I had finally got myself into a good place ahead of the appointment and I now feel like the rug has been pulled from under me.

What's worse is that although I have managed to get the appointment rescheduled to take place before Christmas it is literally right before Christmas and at a time of day that requires me to take a half day off work.

The alternative was to wait until next year but I really had my heart set on completing a round of treatment before the year ended and I would like to enjoy the festive break without worrying about an impending appointment so I am going to take it despite the fact that it isn't ideal.

On the bright side I am finding it somewhat amusing that I am gutted to have an appointment rescheduled given that only a few months ago I couldn't even consider the idea of making an appointment so I guess I can chalk this up as having made good progress.
 
The1701

The1701

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Well I've had a full-on meltdown today, my appointment has had to be reschduled again and is now not going to happen until mid-January. I know it seems stupid to get so upset over a reschduled appointment but I hadn't been sleeping well in the run up to the original date and when I got rescheduled the first time round the distrubed sleep just continued, I have now gone almost a month with an average of 3-4 hours sleep a night so when the call to reschedule again came in I lost the plot and burst into tears the minute I hung up.

I'm actually starting to think that I just shouldn't bother anymore as the fates seem to be against me making any progress just now. Hopefully it is just lack of sleep feeding my paranoia but I really did think that they were trying to get rid of me despite the fact that the receptionsit gave me a genuine reason for the need to reschedule - and not one that someone would lie about so I feel terrible for doubting her.

My main problem is that the longer I leave it before going again the less likely I am to go at all, I am really worried that I will slip back into my old ways of avoiding going if I don't get back into the habit sooner rather than later.

Can anyone offer some advice to keep me going?
 
The1701

The1701

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Hey everyone just wanted to stop in and wish you all a Merry Christmas.

I'm feeling a lot less wobbly after applying some logic to the situation and getting some sage advice from a young Padawan. I also managed to avoid Meltdown part II after I got a very pleasant reply to an email query I sent to the booking office at the Dentist Surgery. Still feeling a bit like I am trying to scale mount impossible but want to keep trying rather than give in at the half way stage.

Anyway I hope you all have a lovely festive break, whatever you decide to do and I will hopefully provide an update on a successful appointment at some point in the New Year.
 
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