How to encourage my elderly father to go to the dentist?

[PlushieOcto]

Good afternoon all. I hope you're all well. I am mainly posting this about my father as I am worried about him.. I always am. He is in his early 70s and no word of a lie, he has never been to the doctors or dentist in all his life. He is not even registered at either of them, never had antibiotics... nothing. I am not sure whether he is scared or whether he just doesn't feel that he needs to but he absolutely does need to go to the dentist and get his teeth sorted out.

Otherwise he appears fit and healthy, he walks about 10 miles per day, diet is not great but acceptable. He has always been a smoker, especially tobacco and overtime it has clearly done a lot of damage to his teeth and gums. I still remember when I was little (I was born when he was in his 40s), one of his tooth just randomly fell out and I caught itHei remembered it looked black and manky. He looked a bit shocked but doesn't seem like he did anything about it.

I've been to see him after a few months (I don't live nearby) and saw that he has missing his bottom teeth, his upper teeth are badly receded.. all the back of his mouth (I saw it because he was trying to pick something out of it), is full of black stumps. The other teeth are completely rotten... I was honestly shocked to be honest and quite frankly peed off because he hadn't done anything about it.

I said Dad you really, really need to go and see the dentist, are you not struggling to eat? He said for God's sake why do I have to keep going on at him, He is fine so can I just keep quiet about it. This was the FIRST time I mentioned it.. I think my sister must've mentioned it to him as well and he probably got confused, I don't know. I said it's also about your health! He is having NONE of it and I am really getting upset by it. I think he is worried they are going to pull them out and to be honest, they will.... because they are completely rotted.

When he eats he takes ages to chew it.. with care and dentures, I know he will feel much better. I didn't mean to embarrass him but my teeth are healthy and when I had a small cavity that caused me a lot of pain so I can't imagine how much pain he must be in. I know he takes painkillers alot but he says it is because he has a headache. What do I do now? I want him to get treatment and be healthy. I love him and care about him that is why I am posting this

 

[Enarete]

Hi PlushieOcto,

I can tell that you really care for your dad and want to help and also that what you saw as you last time saw him made you really worried. With that being said this is a difficult topic and the fact that each person has an amount of autonomy and can make own choices is the blessing and the curse in it.

As I see things, it may be very difficult to convince anyone on seeing a dentist but even more so a person who has been away from any kind of doctors for 70 years. Your dad will have a reason for it and most likely this reason turned into habit or a way to go about life an I am not sure how you could break that. For people changing old views it needs a breakthrough of any kind -good or bad - and they need to get to that on hir own. Imagining your dad, I can‘t see - from what I believe may be his point of view- any direct advantage on going. On contrary - he would have to put in a lot of effort, making a call, scheduling an appointment, thinking about how to explain not to come earlier - up to several appointments to get things fixed. Dealing with the loss of teeth, adjusting to dentures, being told not to smoke etc. That would be a lot to take!

One thing that definitely won‘t help and will only create more resistance would be to be told to see a dentist. It sounds like while you mentioned that for the first time, there have been someone in your dad‘s life who mentioned that more often. The best idea would be to stop pushing, otherwise even if he wanted to see a dentist on his own, he may decide not to because we don‘t like to do things someone pushes us to.

With this all being said, there is only one way to maybe make things a bit easier or make sure that your dad will feel supported and that‘s acceptance. Non-judgemental way. Just being loving and understanding and respekting the way he is. A lot of dental fear is about shame and pointing out that he needs treatment may make any shame stronger. He knows how his teeth look like. So maybe what he needs more is to know that you love him and support him with of without healthy teeth. I know this is hard, particularly as you are worried, but your dad has been here long before you. He will be fine and so will you. And if he ever decides to make that step, you‘ll be here to help.

All the best wishes

 

[letsconnect]

That sums it up perfectly - I can't really add anything to what @Enarete has said. Older people often find it very difficult to get used to dentures (it's not unusual for people to take them out for eating because they find it easier to gum their food, and only wear them for social occasions). Getting used to dentures takes persistence and determination. So if he doesn't perceive the pain as bad enough to push him into action, he may have little motivation to get things seen to.

That is not to say that it's not a good idea to offer him help. If you do know of a kind and caring dentist who'd be willing and able to help and support your dad, then by all means give him their contact details, and explain to him that this dentist is very gentle and will not tell him off, and only wants to help. Of course, you need to make sure beforehand that that IS the case - there's nothing worse than having your trust broken.

Please let us know how you get on. Wishing you a very Happy New Year !