I Have A Cavity And My Father Is My Dentist And I Just Can't

[kaciee]

Someone for the love of God please HELP me!I just found this website through a Google search and I'm hoping to find some help.So my father is my dentist and I know a lot of people would say "oh my God you're so lucky you never have to be afraid",but I'm afraid.I had a filling fall out about two weeks ago and due to fear I waited a week to inform my father of such and the next day I reluctantly and nervously (on my part) saw him in his dental office and after numerous x-rays and an exam,he informed me that there was a rather big cavity underneath the tooth and if I didn't let him fill it right then and there then I'm going to have to get a root canal.I DO NOT WANT A ROOT CANAL. and I'm pretty sure that my father knows this and he was trying to use such as a type of scare tactic in order for me to allow him to fill the cavity.Well it worked and I'm scared.My father wanted to fill the cavity at this appointment and (without consulting with me first) he started calling in an assistant into the room and told me that he would be right back.I,in the midst of fear,did not put two and two together until my father reentered the room and started to recline the chair and when he said " hold your chin up" I knew exactly what he was doing-he was going to give me anesthestic with a needle.Completely acting like a five year old (I'll admit it),I sprung up out of the chair and said "why?!" (louder than I intended to and I noticed my voice was shaking). My father's words of comfort were along the lines of "you're not going to act like this.lie back down and open your mouth.". I blurted out a " no,I don't want to.you didn't say you were going to fill it (my cavity) right now."-on the verge of tears.My father had a look in his eyes that struck a little fear in me,but I wasn't about to back down.I think he could tell that I was on the verge of tears and that quickly brought out the father side in him and he softened up a little and his next words were along the lines of "let's take care of this cavity before it gets any bigger" in a much more gentle tone being sure to refer to me as "doll baby".I argued (nearly in tears) " it doesn't hurt" and he argued back "it doesn't matter if it hurts right now or now" and long story short I talked him into allowing me to postpone my appointment until Monday.Well,it's Saturday night and my stomach is already hurting in anxiety and fear.I have always had fears of anything dental related and medical related (yes,even though my father is a dentist) and the last time my father did a filling in one of my teeth I wasn't completely numb-this happened because I never really received any "shots" in a dental chair of which I could recall so when my father numbed me and asked me if I could feel anything (after prodding my gums with a sharp pointy tool) I didn't realize that I was supposed to not feel anything at all and I told him that I was numb while I wasn't numb-I didn't fully realize that I wasn't numb.So my father starts drilling and it HURTS and I whimper and try to squirm away (I know I act like a five year old) and my father just says "sit still"," I'm almost done",etc.-I was actually afraid to say that it hurt-I just felt like I would be in trouble for lying or something. After this incident,I'm afraid that Monday will be a repeat episode and I can not handle that .Please help me.

P.S.I'm sorry if any of this is hard to read,I'm shaking while typing it and it's just all coming out.

 

[kaciee]

I know I posted this in two different sections-I'm desperate for answers

 

[letsconnect]

Hi @kaciee, I'm not surprised that you're so nervous after your previous experience, when you weren't properly numb. So sorry you had to go through this. If it had been anyone else but your father, I would have said "ask your parents to switch dentists", but I suppose that's not possible for you without majorly upsetting him (also, I'm not sure what age you are, I think in the US parents are allowed to make healthcare decisions on behalf of their children until they're much older than in the UK)? It's never right to just continue on when someone says they can feel pain . That's one way of making sure people develop a phobia of the dentist. Sure, he may have been in a rush, wanting to get finished because other people were waiting, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm not sure what your relationship with your father is like, but can you talk to him about this at home, away from his office? Is he aware how much pain you felt that time, and how much it has affected you? It might be useful not only for you, but also for his other patients, if he realises the effect that just "getting on with the work" can have on people. What do you think?

 

[kaciee]

@letsconnect Hi.Thank you for responding to my post and I'm in my twenties,but I have Aspergers Syndrome (a form of autism) and a diagnosis of mild cerebral palsy (and slow processing disorder and sensory processing disorder) and my father has adult legal guardianship over me so he has the final say in my healthcare decisions.

My father isn't a heartless person and he's actually a really good (and even often typically a gentle dentist).I don't think that he realized that I wasn't numb-I didn't exactly come right out and tell him that I was in pain (and in hindsight I now realize that was my fault). I'm sure he would have stopped drilling.I think during that particular appointment he just thought that I was being uncooperative (I have a history of being that way during dental procedures).I do not think he realizes how truly terrified I am of being on the receiving end of dental procedures-I think that he knows that I have anxiety and he has made attempts to comfort and console me during past dental procedures,but I think he also thinks that I'm sometimes just being stubborn and uncooperative. There were some instances in my childhood that have fed into my dental fears and anxieties-from being restrained in chairs as a small child to even having my teeth brushed against my will.

I don't know how to describe my relationship with him.I still live with him and my mother passed away less than two years ago.He can be overprotective of me.I feel like he sees me as being more mentally disabled than what I really am.He doesn't understand at all what it's like to be autistic and to have sensory issues- I'm bothered by the sounds,the smells,the textures of dental offices.I can try to talk to him I guess,but I just feel like he often talks to me like I'm still a young child...

 

[letsconnect]

Hi again, thanks for explaining, it’s all falling into place now! So sorry to hear about your mother passing away, that must have been really tough (and I imagine it still is).

I‘m really surprised about the legal guardianship situation considering how bright and articulate you are, but nevermind .

So it sounds from what you’re saying that maybe you could discuss this with him away from the dental office… but maybe it would be even better to send him an email to express your feelings? It can be difficult to find the right words when you’re put on the spot, but you‘ve got a real flair for writing so maybe you could write to him instead and explain what is going on?

 

[kaciee]

Yes,I miss my mother.I was very close to her.She was the only female figure that I had in a childhood household of my father and three older brothers so I miss her presence a lot.I know my father misses her as well because they were married for over thirty years and I think her passing may have even caused him to become even more protective of me.

Yeah,the legal guardianship is kind of a touchy subject for me I just mentioned it so it would be more clear on why I still rely on my father so much.

I do like your suggestion though.I may try to write him a letter.I have to get on it soon.Tomorrow is the day of which I am supposed to get my filling refilled and the hours are ticking away .I know my father loves me and that he cares about me and I know he would never do anything to intentionally cause me pain.I think he truly does not realize that I'm genuinely scared and that he intimidates me-not only as a patient lying in a dental chair but with him also being my father.If that makes sense.

 

[LittleLynnie]

I think that writing him a letter is a very good idea too. Maybe, you could even just let him read this thread. You've really explained everything very well here.

 

[kaciee]

Okay so like I said previously,the hours to my next appointment are really ticking by and I have constructed a letter of which I plan to give my father.I tried to sound really "adultish" when writing this letter in hopes that my father would take me seriously,but I do not want to say anything that might hurt my father's feelings or upset him-I know he misses my mother as much as I do.I'm going to post a copy of this letter.I tried to make it short and to the point,but I wanted to express my feelings.Obviously letsconnect,you do not have to read it,but if you want to and if you want to give me any feedback you can.

This is what I wrote:
"Daddy (yes,I still refer to him as " Daddy"),I'm sorry if I acted immaturely at my last dental appointment,but I promise that I wasn't trying to be uncooperative.I really was scared.I'm afraid to have my filling filled-like really afraid.I don't want to be afraid,but I am.I don't really know how to come out and say that I'm afraid because you intimidate me a little-I know you probably don't mean to,but you do.Do you remember the last cavity of mine that you filled?You asked me if I was numb and I thought that I was,but I wasn't and getting the filling really hurt.I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I wasn't numb.Please don't be mad.I do remember that you told me that the sound of the drill was "just noise", but it really bothered me.Do you think that maybe I can wear a pair of my headphones while you do my filling tomorrow?I really am so nervous and worried that my stomach hurts and I haven't been able to eat.Please take this letter seriously. Please.I really do mean every single word in it.I really do love you and I appreciate everything that you do."

 

[kaciee]

LittleLynnie,thank you for the reply.I wrote out a letter to give to him and I posted a copy on this thread.You can read it if you want to and let me know if you think it sounds good.

 

[kaciee]

@LittleLynnie I replied to you.Thank you for the reply!

 

[kaciee]

letsconnect and LittleLynnie,so I took a few deep breaths and gave my father the letter

I just kind of handed him the letter and asked him if he would read something that I wrote.I couldn't look at him while he read the letter and I kind of hung around the doorway of the room in which he was in and I slowly kept wandering in and out of the room,but I could tell that he read the letter and he re-read two or three times and he even flipped the sheet of paper over to make sure there was nothing else written on the back.Well,I was kind of hoping that he would read the letter and I could go back to my own room and the conversation would be over and everything would be okay-my worst fear was that there would be confrontation (I cannot handle confrontation)
Well,there was no confrontation, but after he read the letter two or three times he asked me how long I had felt that way and he asked me if I was scared of him.I told him that I'm not scared of him and that I am scared of the sound of the dental drill and needles and pain (all of the while that I'm saying all of this to him my voice is shaking and I'm having to work really hard to fight back tears ).He told me that he had no idea that I wasn't numb when I received my last filling and he asked me why I didn't tell him and so I started talking but before I could even get a word out I started crying.My father cannot stand to see me cry (I have gathered that from twenty plus years of being his daughter) so he tells me not to cry and gets me to give him a hug and he tells me that everything will be okay but that I have to tell him when I'm in pain because he can't read minds (and I guess he's not wrong).He did say that I can wear headphones tomorrow during my filling being filled.

So another long story short,so far the advice to write him a letter seemed to go very well and I would like to thank both letsconnect and LittleLynnie for encouraging me to write such a letter and giving me the advice to do so. Hopefully,my anxiety will allow me to get some sleep tonight and everything will go good during my appointment

 

[LittleLynnie]

@kaciee That sounds like a really great outcome. I hope that your father's loving reaction will help you to sleep tonight. You were very brave to give him the letter, but I think that it has probably helped you both a lot. Congrats - I'm sure that your experience tomorrow will be so much better, now that your dad knows how you feel.

 

[letsconnect]

Sorry for the late reply due to the time difference…. That’s a great outcome - well done you !! So glad to hear that it all worked out. Hope you managed to get a good nights sleep. Wishing you all the best for today, please let us know how you got on

 

[kaciee]

I survived my appointment

So I was able to eat breakfast this morning and I'm glad I did because my appointment took awhile and that was one of the worst parts (I felt like I sat in the chair for over an hour).Before I went to bed last night,my father kept asking me if I was okay and he kept telling me that I didn't have to be worried about anything and he continued doing such all of this morning (even during my appointment) and honestly he said it so much that it started to get on my nerves and make me a little more anxious ,but in his defense,I think he truly thought that he was making me feel better.So his assistant (who has worked for my father since I was a young child so she knows me really well) is really kind and sweet and friendly and she knows how to talk to me so she helped me feel more comfortable as well.Well,my father asks me if I wanted "laughing gas" and I told him "no" (because my sensory issues keep me from being able to tolerate things like those types of masks over my face and I once had to have "laughing gas" during a dental procedure at his office when I was a young child and I didn't want it then either so I remember crying during the whole procedure) and he asked me once again if I was sure that I didn't want "laughing gas" and once again I told him "no" and thankfully he dropped the subject.So my father numbs my mouth referring to the needle as "medicine" and I had to hold my chin up which I expected for that portion.A minute or two later my father used a dental tool to see if I was numb and this time I could not feel anything at all (I didn't even feel the tool) so I told him that I was numb and he asked me if I was sure and I told him that I was numb again.My father did allow me to wear my headphones during the drilling part,but I wanted to wear my headphones that go over the head because they muffle out more noise,but I had to wear a pair of my ear buds because he said that he would probably end up accidentally knocking my headphones (that go over my head) off severval times while he was working on my teeth,so I had to wear ear buds and I heard more noise than I wanted to . Anyway my father starts drilling and he just keeps drilling and drilling -everytime that I thought he would be done with the drill because he kept taking it out of my mouth my hopes died a little each time because he just kept drilling.There were a couple worst things about the the drill and that was that he kept drilling and I felt like he would never stop and I was beginning to think that I couldn't possibly have any tooth left,but I trusted him and kept my mouth open AND apparently my cavity was on a very back molar on the upper half of my mouth so I had to hold my chin up ("all the way up" as my father said) the entire time that he was drilling (which felt like hours) and it was not a comfortable position for me .In the midst of drilling my teeth,he would periodically ask me if I was okay and if I needed any more "medicine" and I was still numb so I told him that I was okay.At one point during the drilling,I must have shifted in my chair or wrung my hands because his assistant ask me if the sound of the drill was bothering me and she told my father that I was wringing my hands.My father told me to remember that the drill was "just noise".Well,after the drilling,he put some Vaseline on my lips using a cotton swab because apparently the drilling made my lips dry.It wasn't until after the drilling that I got even more nervous ,my father wasn't even talking to me (he was talking to his assistant) and I could tell that he was attempting to keep his voice low so that I wouldn't overhear but I could hear a few words-I could hear him tell his assistant that he had to drill deeper than he wanted to and that he would have to do a pulp cap (whatever that is-I don't like to look up dental terms because it gives me even more anxiety) and that I was bleeding (it did not even occur to me that you could bleed from having your teeth drilled and I had already convinced myself in my head that if I could make it past the drilling that the worst part would be over).I do not think that I was supposed to hear that I was bleeding and it scared me (a lot) and I wanted to leave.I was done.I kept seated though and my father put what he called "medicine" within the freshly drilled hole in my poor tooth and he had me bite down on a cotton roll for a few minutes and he stayed in the room with me and talked to me and rubbed my shoulder and I nodded and shook my head "yes" and "no" when I needed to (just talking about random things,he was attempting to make me smile).He never came out and told me that I was bleeding and I never asked (I didn't really want to know) but I assume that I stopped because after a few minutes the cotton roll was removed and my father started working on my tooth again.Well,I'm still very anxious once again and my father has to remind me a few times to hold my mouth open wide and his assistant suggests placing a bite block in my mouth and my father agrees and he makes a statement along the lines of "She (me) was doing so good earlier holding her mouth open big and wide.I think she's getting tired." and so a bite block was placed into my mouth and I was told to rest my mouth on it.The bite block didn't hurt,but I felt like a small child who wasn't old enough to keep their mouth open,I felt a little humiliated and that's when I started to cry .My father responded with a "no, we're not going to cry" (he didn't say such in a mean way,but in an attempted reassuringly way) and he started drying my face with a Kleenex that his assistant handed to him.My father asked me if I was in pain and I shook my head "no" (I wasn't in physical pain) and he told me that he was almost done.So my father proceeded to do my filling and he had to remind me to hold my chin up a couple of times (after saying such twice,I could tell that his patience in his voice was wearing thin,but I couldn't help it-I don't know why I couldn't keep my chin up).Towards the end of my filling,my father used "Mr.Thirsty" (a name of which he has had for the suction piece since I was a young child) and I must have been fighting the suction tip with my tongue or something because he said "Mr.Thirsty isn't going to hurt you." He" just wants all of that spit and water" (he thinks I'm still a child,but honestly during times like this,I feel better when he talks to me like that).So after the filling,my father is checking the smoothness of the filling or whatever and I have to bite down and "chew" on that little piece of paper.Well,to my dismay,he has to use the drill once more for a few seconds and he reminds me that the drill is "just noise" .Well,I obviously survived all of that.

Just when I think everything is over and my tooth is fixed and I can breathe and eat normally again,I get some potentially more bad news .My father sits me back up in the chair and he rolls his stool in front of me and he asks me "are you sure that your tooth wasn't hurting you?", I'm a little surprised by this question and a little worried as to why he's asking it,but my tooth really wasn't hurting so I told him that my tooth wasn't hurting. He takes a sigh and closes his eyes for a second like he has something that he doesn't want to tell me.I wring my hands some more (this nightmare was supposed to be done by now).He then proceeds to tell me that my cavity was slightly bigger than what he thought it was originally and that he had to drill more deeply than he wanted to.I'm thinking in my head "okay...well it's over isn't it?" but I don't say anything out loud.He then proceeds to tell me that if my tooth hurts for a day or two that it's normal,but if it hurts for longer than that than I need to let him know.I'm sitting a little stunned and shocked and thinking in my head "what's wrong with my tooth?".Then comes the really,really (at least in my head) bad news ,my father tells me that I may need a root canal if my tooth doesn't stop hurting. He says that he can do root canals,but apparently this particular tooth has two roots and he doesn't want to mess with it.So he told me that if I do end up needing a root canal,he'll take me to an endodontist.Okay,so a couple of things a)I was previously led to believe that I wasn't going to need a root canal if I got this filling and b)I don't like to have procedures done by my father-much less a stranger.My father claims that if I do end up needing a root canal that everything will be okay and that it's no big deal and that the procedure isn't much different from a filling-I don't know how much of this is true (like I said before,looking up dental procedures gives me anxiety),but I do know that I'm not looking forward to receiving anymore fillings or similar procedures anytime soon.So now,I'm hoping and praying that I won't need a root canal

 

[kaciee]

Sorry that my above post was so lengthy,I had a lot to say.

 

[LittleLynnie]

You should be really proud of yourself (I am!). It sounds like your dad really tried to make things as good for you as he could. I will cross my fingers and toes now, hoping that you don't experience any pain after the next couple of days, and don't have to get a root canal done. On the root canal front though, I have had 19 of them, and they were all very easy. There was some pain afterward for a day or two, but it wasn't a very big pain at all. Congrats for being so brave.

 

[kaciee]

@LittleLynnie Thank you for the kind words and yes I think he put a lot of effort into making me feel better. Just out of curiosity (you don't have to tell me if you do not want to),but how old were you when you received your first root canal?I'm only in my twenties and another one of my fears of needing a root canal is that I'm "too young" (I hope that none of that sounded insensitive-I didn't mean for it to).

 

[LittleLynnie]

I'm in my 60's now, so it was a very long time ago. My best guess is 16 or 17, and all occurred before I was 40.

 

[kaciee]

@LittleLynnie Thank you for the answer .Your reply made me feel a little better about the whole situation.

 

[LittleLynnie]

Happy to help and it's so nice of you to say that I did.