i really need some words of encouragement!

[clownbaby]

hi everyone,
i will be seeing a dentist for the first time in over a decade in the near future, and i'm having a really hard time facing that reality. here's a little backstory:
i'm one of four kids. my parents had a difficult time making ends meet when i was growing up. i remember visiting the dentist sporadically up until the age of ten. i never required any treatment during those previous years. on that last visit for what would be several years, i remember the dentist saying i had like eight cavities. my mom seemed frustrated on the ride home. she didn't take me back to get the fillings. the next time she took me to the dentist, i was fifteen. on that visit, i was petrified. a black mark had appeared in one of my teeth where i knew the cavity had gotten a lot worse. i was worried about the treatment i would need, and i was embarrassed. i don't remember much about the dentist i saw, but the hygienist was not kind to me. she seemed disgusted with me and told me i had a lot of cavities so i should pay attention to her instructions. i felt so defeated and frustrated. shortly after that visit, a section of my tooth with the black mark broke off. i was horrified. i tried to work up the courage to tell my mom i needed help, but i couldn't. she ended up randomly taking me back to the dentist for a filling a few months later. i was so worried and embarrassed about my broken tooth. he ended up giving me a filling in one of my other molars, and i remember my mom told me later i needed to have the broken tooth "yanked out of my head". that was the last time she took me to see a dentist.
fast forward to now, my boyfriend of almost nine years recently inherited a decent amount of money. he also has semi-neglected teeth, as the last time he saw a dentist was about five years ago. he needed treatment at that time, but he didn't complete it. anyway, he decided to use part of the money to fix his teeth. as he started to proceed with his treatment, i really started to freak out. i thought " i know i need to do this too, but how will i ever afford it?". i started having these intense crying/panicking episodes every day, and finally i told him my secret: i haven't seen a dentist in almost 13 years". now he's offered to help me pay for my treatment, so i made the first appointment for december 28th with his dentist who i've heard great things about. at first i was feeling optimistic, but the feelings of panic, embarrassment, and shame keep returning. i'm just so worried about how bad, expensive, embarrassing, and time-consuming it will be. i'm worried about having to miss work and tell them why. i'm worried about what the hygienist and dentist will say when they see my teeth. i'm worried it will be so expensive that the amount my boyfriend has offered will not even be close to enough (he's offered around $3000, and i do have ppo dental insurance). my teeth have caused me so much anguish over the years, i've seriously thought i'd rather be dead. i know i can't go on living like this, but i'm just so afraid. please help me! thank you so much for taking the time to read this, i really appreciate it.

 

[carole]

Hi welcome to the forum.

First thing is CALM DOWN, you are building this whole thing up in your head. It will not be the way you are thinking at all. Don't be worried about being judged that is not the dentists job, they are there to help you. Things have changed a lot since you last saw one, as for the hygienist, she should not have spoken to you in that manner or made you feel bad. Hygienists do seem to be a law unto themselves and a lot of people seem to have a problem with them. So forget about that side of it for now.

The first visit will be a check up, explain to the dentist how you feel, you can write to them before you go either by email or in letter form. That way they can read about you when they have time, they will be able to help you feel better and assure you that nothing bad is going to happen. They will look at your teeth and maybe take an x ray to see how your roots are. If you can't cope with an x ray they can do it later but if you can manage to do it, it would be better that way they have a complete pic of the condition of your mouth and can advise you on any treatment you may need.

It is very rare that things are as bad as we think they are going to be. The dentist will not judge or scold you and if they did or made you feel uncomfortable then you will leave and find another one. I think you will be surprised at how understanding they are and they will do all they can to help you get the treatment you may need.

A lot of parents found it very hard to be able to afford dental treatment and still do so it isn't anyones fault about what happened. You are in control and in charge of what treatment you have. You have to give informed consent to any and all treatment and you also have to go at a pace you feel you can cope with. Also remember without you the dentist would be out of work pretty quickly if we all had perfect teeth. We all have problems and things we don't like about our teeth so you are not on your own in feeling how you do.

Try not to worry and let it build up. Enjoy the time of year and try to put it to the back of your mind for now. The way you are feeling is normal and we understand how you feel. You can do this when the time comes and no treatment will be given when you attend that first appointment.

All the best to you, you will be fine

 

[Dr. Daniel]

Hi,
Part of the reason you have so many worried thoughts is the fact you have not been to the dentist for so long. It looks like a huge mountain to be conquered and I am certain that after the first appointment you will see the difference between what your mind is building up right now and what how it actually is.
I would suggest you write an email to the dentist before the appointment and give some background and useful information (actually your post was great for that purpose).
I do hope things work out well with the new dentist. All the best.

 

[Suzannah99]

I wanted a free consult first but I had a broken front tooth in my gum.

I've had teeth issues since my adult teeth grew in.
Only ever one filling but I have had gum disease since I was 16 and twisted teeth plus bad braces which always slipped down.

Can you get a free first consultation at this dentist where you can lay everything out here and also sgow yor nerves?
I wanted one - but yeah I had a big problem and was in a lot of pain so agreed to a £60 check up also.
But after all I told him he asked me if he could have a look.
I was a mess - shaking like an idiot - crying - and when he had the mirror in my mouth - utter panic!

I had briefly seen a post on here before I joined tonight which mentioned anti- anxiety drugs.

My second appointment with my dentist he suggested I get some from my doc - I read his mail wrong and thought he would speak to my doc. I realised so had a friend take me to my docs surgery and she spoke for me when I broke down like a child in the docs reception.

I got 5mg from the doc - but in the meantime the dentist had prescribed me 15mg!
So I took 3 tablets.
I had my front tooth out that day and he glued it back to it's buddies.
I got through it because he already knew my story, he was great and also he poked around after I had had 6 injections and I felt one pin prick - so he gave me another injection too.
I didn't know he had taken the tooth out.

Today was a big appointment for me - more to be done and I took 20mg and again - I was OK and could do it.

You need a cushion to rely upon.
Your history is history but history affects us.

Give in, go to see your doc - tell him/her all and get yourself some help to get through this.

And yes - I have no shame in saying I also took 15mg of diazepam to literally go to collect a prescription for anti-biotics from the dentist building! I am not kidding!

If you know you have a buffer a lot of your daily/constant anxiety will dissipate and you can hold off and keep it out of your mind until you need to cope with it - and then you have that cushion - something that will calm you on the day you need it.

You must tell the dentist and doc but also let them SEE how anxious you are. They will help you.

I too have had both hygenists and dentists be no less than rude to me - but I was too scared and felt in their hands - so I did nothing.

 

[clownbaby]

thank you everyone for your encouraging words! ughhh i am trying to keep telling myself that i'm just building this up in my head, and that it will be okay. when i made the appointment, the receptionist did ask me how long i'd been since i'd seen a dentist, and i was honest. she asked me if i had any pain, and i said no but i did tell her that i have a broken tooth and visible cavities on other teeth. her response was "that's okay, we'll take care of you". at first that made me feel very encouraged, but my thoughts keep turning toward, "oh well she just doesn't realize how bad it is. once they see, who knows what they'll say". i like the idea of giving the dentist more information about me prior to the appointment via email or something, but i'm worried about seeming too needy or like a bother. i also like the idea of seeking anti-anxiety medication, and i may pursue this. it does comfort me to remember that i'm in control of my own treatment and that i can do this at my own pace. i'm just really trying to stay optimistic, but it's hard for me.

 

[Dr. Daniel]

Writing a letter or email before the first appointment is not only useful but also shows seriousness from the patient. As long as the letter is to the point and contains practical information I am certain the dentist will see it as a mean to save time and make the first appointment more productive.

 

[FearfulInMA]

Hello and welcome.

First, congrats on making an appointment - that's a HUGE first step. If you like the idea of the dentist having some information beforehand, definitely send an email or a note before your appointment. I know you're worried about being needy or a bother (this is always one of my biggest fears), but if the dentist doesn't respond well s/he is likely not the right dentist for you. I often worry about this myself - that I am a huge pain in the rear because of my dental anxiety (and previously huge phobia). Now (I've been going to the same dentist for 8 years), I like to joke with my dentist about how I'm his worst patient... and I often bring them treats (chocolate or something like that) when I go and joke it's so they'll hate me less. In terms of what they'll say about your teeth - mine were in very rough shape too 8 years ago before I started going to the dentist after many years of not going. At my last cleaning a few weeks ago, I was telling the hygienist how bad my teeth were when I first started going there (she's only been there about 4 or 5 years) and how grateful I was that the dentist never made a big deal about it - just said what the receptionist said to you - that they would take care of fixing my teeth. He gave me tips on how to brush and floss better, but never made me feel bad for the state of my teeth. Again, if the dentist you see makes you feel badly or shames you s/he is not the right dentist for you. Also, what I've learned from others on here is that no matter how bad your teeth are, the dentist has seen worse... always. I know you mentioned worries about money to fix your teeth in your original post. Since you aren't in pain, the dentist should work with you on a treatment plan that works within your financial constraints - so getting work done as you can afford it and/or applying for Care Credit (basically a credit card that can only be used for medical/dental stuff). If you're working, you can see if your employer offers flexible spending (FSA) - money you put away pre-tax out of your check for medical/dental/glasses/etc. The great thing about FSA is you have it taken out of your check each pay period, but it's all available to you on 1/1. Best of luck to you!

 

[Deck2015]

Writing a letter or email before the first appointment is not only useful but also shows seriousness from the patient. As long as the letter is to the point and contains practical information I am certain the dentist will see it as a mean to save time and make the first appointment more productive.

I did this when I began my dental journey 2.5 years ago. Compiled a brief but comprehensive list of all of the dental procedures I've had as far back as I could remember them (as well as any follow up concerns or how I responded to each treatment) and I gave teeth numbers on each for reference. I also noted what what my top priorities and biggest concerns were. The dentists and specialists that I shared this information with were all thankful for the background and have tailored my treatments while considering my dental history. Of course a good dentist can give you an exam and be able to tell what you've already had done, but it helps to have the personal notes from the patient.

If you have insurance and you've satisfied all of their ridiculous waiting periods to have your necessary work done, be sure to get an accurate quote of your co-pays for each treatment.

If you can't afford some/all of the urgent dental work, consider using your credit cards or applying for Care Credit. I normally wouldn't recommend anyone go into debt, but consider this: If you need 2 fillings that are small, one surface cavities today and your co-pay is $80 for each of the 2 cavities after insurance pays their portion, it's a lot cheaper today to put $160 on your credit card to treat the two small cavities before they get worse and become a crown or a root canal (Or both) or an extraction when all else fails. Also, if you have a PPO insurance, note that you'll save more if you choose a provider from their preferred list. You can save quite a lot this way but always, always research your providers. A dentist is bound to have one or two negative reviews online for various reasons but look for more positive than negative. Then, ask friends/family who they see and trust and check with your insurance to find out which of the researched or recommended Dentists are in your preferred list. And I hate to say this because I fully understand how unaffordable and expensive dentistry in America can be but resist the urge to seek care from a "cheap" dentist or worse, a chain dental clinic who offers "Free" Cleanings, Xray and Exams....there's a reason they offer those services free...some people do fine with these clinics, but the complaints and reviews online for several of them are ...overwhelming, to say the least.

Try not to assume the worst - I've heard family members go in after not having cleanings in DECADES and ending up having no cavities. Genetics and our diet and home care of our teeth are huge factors. Also, even if you need several treatments, don't feel too overwhelmed. Tackle them in the order of priority (based on dental advice) and pay as you go along. Are you having any spontaneous pain or pain while chewing?

Remember, take this one step at a time to avoid feeling overwhelmed. If you can manage to have the exam, xrays in one visit and have a treatment plan set up, you've accomplished a LOT!! You can do that...I know you can. If you're like me, you have to trust your dentist..build a relationship with a dentist you trust and it will help with your dental anxiety, too. Good luck...you're a lucky girl that your boyfriend wants to help you. He's a good guy

 

[clownbaby]

wow, thank you again everyone. i am feeling a lot better after reading all of your responses. i decided i am going to work on writing an email to my new dentist before the appointment. if he does not respond well to it, i'm not going to see him. i can't really provide a treatment history though, since i've only had the one filling. i am really set on going through with the full exam, x-rays, and cleaning on the first visit. i am just hoping that after i get through that first appointment, i will feel better and not worse. my boyfriend keeps saying i will feel better. i don't have pain while chewing, but i do get little twinges sometimes when i first eat something or if i swish ice water around in my mouth. it never lasts more than a few seconds. unfortunately, i know i am not one of those people who will be pleasantly surprised and have no problems with their teeth. i also know this dentist is in my ppo network so that's good. my boyfriend has similar insurance, and he has saved a ton of money on his treatment. however his plan's maximum is $2500 while mine is $1500. i wish i had decided to start this sooner so i could take better advantage of my coverage before the year ends, but the appointment i have is the soonest they could see me. i did look into care credit, but i am a little confused by it. i am worried that if the treatment is super expensive, i won't be able to pay as much monthly as they want me to in order to avoid the high interest. i have decent credit so i'm going to look into other credit cards. i just don't make a lot of money at the moment, so it's tough.

 

[FearfulInMA]

You're doing great! I was like you - only had one filling before starting my journey. I was able to get through a cleaning and X-rays in my first appointment (the dentist had a family emergency that day so I didn't have the exam). It sounds like this is your plan and I'm sure you can do it! I didn't write a letter or email to my dentist, but it probably would have been helpful. I couldn't really talk at all for the first few years, I was soooo anxious. Luckily my dentist is pretty chatty. I told him I didn't want to know anything about the work he was doing, that I absolutely didn't want to see any needles and that I just wanted to close my eyes and pretend I was somewhere else. When he was working on my teeth, he did a great job to distract me by talking about anything else but teeth and also joked around. In your letter, if you can write some about what you're most anxious about and also about what might be helpful, that will go a long way. I'm nearly 9 years into my journey.... if you think it would help to read about, here's a 'success' story that I wrote:

A Long Time Coming

I've worked on this 'success story' for quite some time now. I've been anxious about posting it because it is so incredibly personal. I've told bits and pieces of this story in different parts of this forum, but putting it all together somehow feels different. This forum has given me so much...

www.dentalfearcentral.org

Keep coming back here for support, we're all here and have been where you are

 

[clownbaby]

thank you for sharing that. i feel like i can really relate to your story (i hope eventually i can relate to the happy ending too). i know as the appointment gets closer the anxiety is going to be absolutely crippling. i know i won't sleep the night before or maybe even the week before. i was sweating profusely just when i made the appointment. i did take one big step today by applying for care credit, and was approved with a $2000 limit. that did help ease my anxiety a little.