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Is it Being Unreasonable To Not Go To The Dentist? (Im unhinged and anxious)

  • Thread starter Thread starter Stewart
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Stewart

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Joined
Jan 6, 2025
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Birmingham
Hello Everyone

Im looking for honest opinions on whether im being unreasonable when I say im not going to the dentist. Period.

With phobia and anxiety, its a hell on earth experience I dont want, ever.

This is my reasoning why:

1) I hate going. In the lead up to any appointment, im an absolute mess. I always have been, I always will be. Nothing has changed it. Psychology. Swapping dentists. Going regularly. Nothing. I dont want to be a mess. I want to enjoy life and I think having to go to the dentist is probably the single most physical and mentally pain inducing and all round miserable parts of my life. I dont want to be miserable life is too short.

2) Going doesnt make me any happier. I dont care when I leave what theyve done to me. Its just an anxiety cycle waiting for the next thing thats wrong. I dont leave empowered after having anything done. I dont feel any less phobic. I dont feel "proud" or any of that.

3) I dont care about the end result. Slightly crooked or discoloured teeth havent stopped me getting a masters degree, getting a job i like, having lots of friends, or getting married with children. In fact the opposite is true, when i talk about my phobias with work colleagues and friends, several of them will openly say I dont even notice your teeth. or why be worried, no one cares either.

4) It hurts. I dont want needles and power tools shoved in my mouth. Needles do hurt. They sting, theyve made me cry, theyve made me shout in agony when nerves have been hit. I also dont want to hear the whirring of a drill, ever. I also dont want to listen to people pretending it doesnt hurt. Yeah it does. Ive been to maybe 6 dentists, and yes, it hurts.

5) I feel fine. I dont go to a doctor when i feel fine, so why am i expected to go to a dentist when i feel fine? Id rather go (if ever)when i dont feel fine. otherwise its just a reason to feel miserable for weeks thinking about going and then at best ill walk out and have to go back in six months.

So on this basis im totally cool with not going to the dentist.

Is this an unreasonable viewpoint to take?

Please be honest, I can handle constructive criticism.
 
Hello @MagicDuck12 - please check the forum rules and guidelines - we don't allow multiple accounts/usernames on here, so it would be appreciated if you could post under your original username. If you would like to change your username, let me know and I'll change it for you.

Of course, as has been pointed out here before, dentistry is not mandatory. You are an adult and free to make your own decisions. There's nothing inherently unreasonable about your opinion. I'm not sure why you feel that you're being forced into anything, this is just a website with info that you can take or leave. If you feel that the content on this website does not apply to you, feel free to ignore it.
 
No, it's not unreasonable. And neither is your fear, by the way. Preventative medicine is rough: it's bad enough when you have to go for something causing you pain or struggles of some type. But to go when you feel perfectly fine, all for something that could potentially be wrong but usually isn't? Now that's cruddy.

It's also inadvisable to forgo doctors' appointments when we feel fine because there are prevention/early detection screenings that are extremely important IF you want to catch diseases early. Many are what they call "silent killers" which is a very sensational way to say that they can progress with no symptoms at all until a late stage. At that point, treatments can be less effective because it's just like treating a mouth full of problems instead of staying on top of things now and then (even if it means not twice per year).

I think perhaps because you post this kind of thing you want to be talked into going, because you actually do desire some part(s) of dentist appointments, but the anxiety/fear is keeping you from doing so. I don't mean to assume, I'm just guessing because this is what I did (and do) about all kinds of things all the time. I want the prevention of future pain and struggle, and I don't want my teeth to look as yellow as a phone book page. That's basically it. I simply hate that there's such a battle to obtain that outcome.

Give yourself a bit of compassion. Humans in general hate going to the dentist. Then a bunch of us are cursed with crippling fear around it. I always feel a little bad for dentists because they have to deal with so many anxious and sometimes angry people. But I have to remember to feel a little bad for myself too because fears/phobias are no joke. They're hell! Offer that validation to yourself.
 
Hello @MagicDuck12 - please check the forum rules and guidelines - we don't allow multiple accounts/usernames on here, so it would be appreciated if you could post under your original username. If you would like to change your username, let me know and I'll change it for you.

Of course, as has been pointed out here before, dentistry is not mandatory. You are an adult and free to make your own decisions. There's nothing inherently unreasonable about your opinion. I'm not sure why you feel that you're being forced into anything, this is just a website with info that you can take or leave. If you feel that the content on this website does not apply to you, feel free to ignore it.
In response to this message firstly, im sorry that ive used different usernames.

I want to be a part of the forum, but ive previously been blocked from posting which i personally feel is very harsh. You pride yourself on being an inclusive welcoming forum, but you have blocked me previously and youve blocked things ive tried to say, almost as if to say youre welcome here IF your experience tallies with what we expect you to post, i feel that is quite harsh.
No, it's not unreasonable. And neither is your fear, by the way. Preventative medicine is rough: it's bad enough when you have to go for something causing you pain or struggles of some type. But to go when you feel perfectly fine, all for something that could potentially be wrong but usually isn't? Now that's cruddy.

It's also inadvisable to forgo doctors' appointments when we feel fine because there are prevention/early detection screenings that are extremely important IF you want to catch diseases early. Many are what they call "silent killers" which is a very sensational way to say that they can progress with no symptoms at all until a late stage. At that point, treatments can be less effective because it's just like treating a mouth full of problems instead of staying on top of things now and then (even if it means not twice per year).

I think perhaps because you post this kind of thing you want to be talked into going, because you actually do desire some part(s) of dentist appointments, but the anxiety/fear is keeping you from doing so. I don't mean to assume, I'm just guessing because this is what I did (and do) about all kinds of things all the time. I want the prevention of future pain and struggle, and I don't want my teeth to look as yellow as a phone book page. That's basically it. I simply hate that there's such a battle to obtain that outcome.

Give yourself a bit of compassion. Humans in general hate going to the dentist. Then a bunch of us are cursed with crippling fear around it. I always feel a little bad for dentists because they have to deal with so many anxious and sometimes angry people. But I have to remember to feel a little bad for myself too because fears/phobias are no joke. They're hell! Offer that validation to yourself.
Thank you for your post.

Im not sure how to respond really. Im definitely phobic, nothing removes that phobia. So maybe im actually NOT phobic, im just "normal", a normal person with a hate of going to the dentist?

The range of emotions that going to the dentist brings to my life (NONE of which are positive) has me questionning everything. The main emotions range from:

  1. Total hopelessness - I cant sleep, eat, or take an interest in anything KNOWING I have to go to the dentist and that could result in further treatment i do not want

2. Boiling, visceral anger - A boiling, horrible anger at listening to people saying "youre fine" WHEN YOU ARE NOT FINE, a boiling, visceral anger about being gaslit that nothing hurts, with the implication of the statement being either youre less of a human that it hurt you and not someone else, or YOU must have done something wrong because YOUR experience isnt the norm. I also get a boiling, horrible anger at times walking out, where i feel ive had the most miserable experience forced on me for NOTHING when there is nothing wrong, which is such a crazy paradox because obviously thats the desired outcome

3. Guilt and Regret - Whilst feeling so much happier in life GENERALLY, there is a nagging regret, like you mention, that not being responsible now could mean a problem down the line, even though i can say with complete honesty that there is nothing anyone could do to my teeth that i care about (in a positive sense - i mean theres no improvement that you could make to my teeth that i would appreciate, like, or be grateful for. I simply do not care about teeth....beyond the most basic of basics...like having teeth. What they look like, dont give a f**k)

4. Nausea, headaches, lowest of low mood - That messes severely with other aspects of life hugely

5. Feeling sorry for dentists - I dont feel sorry for them at all. Not one iota. Why should I? they could have done something else, they could act differently, its not my fault they do the job they do and have to listen to phobic people. Tough. Lets not pretend just because they are dentists they are angels with hearts of gold, regardless of what this forum makes you believe.

There are others.

I think youre probably right in wanting to be sort of "convinced" into going, but I really dont see a reason why. There are people close to me who sort of "get me", and i think you are close to "getting me", but the only way I can explain it is this:

The effect of having slightly nicer teeth will NEVER outweigh the physical, mental, emotional damage of having to go to the dentist.

That mindset is one i simply cannot get over or out of.

If anyone with an endless supply of patience can actually help me get over that, youd be a genius.
 
@Stewart Many years ago when I was deeply phobic I worked with someone who said, and I quote, "I'm all for leaving the buggers alone unless they cause me a problem" which I thought then and still think now was a reasonable approach. The corollary of course is that yes, it IS unreasonable not to go when you DO have a problem - why suffer unnecessary pain ? The bigger issue is finding a dentist who who will accept you as a patient if you don't go for regular checkups.
 
@Stewart Many years ago when I was deeply phobic I worked with someone who said, and I quote, "I'm all for leaving the buggers alone unless they cause me a problem" which I thought then and still think now was a reasonable approach. The corollary of course is that yes, it IS unreasonable not to go when you DO have a problem - why suffer unnecessary pain ? The bigger issue is finding a dentist who who will accept you as a patient if you don't go for regular checkups.
This is really interesting because I think youre right.

"Having" to go to the dentist forces me to live with a never ending fear that either something is wrong or i require a deeply unpleasant "fix" to that problem. Its a bit like having a clock or egg timer in my mind, it doesnt matter how many times I go for a check up, this feeling WILL NOT LIFT because you will be back there in six months ANYWAY, REGARDLESS. And if something is wrong, I get a needle, I get a drill, hence even if you tell me im fine.....well im not, because when the check up is over, youve turned the egg timer over again and the sand gradually runs out to the next time when I have to come back.

I dont want to suffer unnecessary pain and hence, if im in pain, ill go to the dentist, because that will fix my pain.

I dont want to subscribe to the "ignorance is bliss" theorem, but if ive got no physical pain, why consign myself to an absolute never ending lifetime of mental and emotional pain that im not exaggerating or being melodramatic to say wrecks my life, when I can just not go. I feel fine!

But yes youre right in the sense you HAVE to go to have a dentist in the first place, so youre basically forced to go in a sense.

I think dentistry itself is a big source of phobia (for me at least)

  1. Theyre working on your face, theyre very close to your brain, theyre in a highly sensitive area of your body, their fingers and hands are all over the place around that area
  2. The tools do not compute with that area. Sharp things. Needles. Drills. Things that are loud, menacing, pain inducing....no thanks
  3. The dentists THEMSELVES havent got a clue how YOU feel. No point pretending, youve no clue. Youve no clue what im feeling physically, or mentally, at any point of your treatment.
  4. Its all a giant waste of time. I felt fine, and then you told me im fine. In the process you subjected me to weeks, maybe months stewing over the fact I might not be fine, and i felt absolutely fine
  5. I hate being treated like its a matter of fact. Like you deliver the news i need an extraction/filling/whatever like its normal. Yeah, its normal to YOU, its not normal to me to be given the news i need a tooth taken out. This is way, way, way more fear inducing and anxiety inducing than being told i need an MRI, or a physical treatment, or something else like that (for me)
  6. Past experiences have been overwhelmingly negative. Good experiences are still negative
 
Honestly, for me, the solution has been IV sedation. Most posts I saw here encourage people to face their fear and work with their dentist, but I didn’t feel like that was an option for me. While I still go through many emotions around my visits (some not as intense as you), I feel like that I have options and support to get over that stuff.

I also had close people who would have those “just get over it” attitude, but I felt like I could get over their closed off mindset and ignore them.

I certainly wish you can find a way to make this less of a terrible experience.
 
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