M
MagicDuck12
Member
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2024
- Messages
- 97
- Location
- West Midlands
Hello Everyone
Im sorry this is a long post, and its a bit dark, its not specifically about dentistry which is perhaps my bigger worry now. And typing this makes me sound like a horrible person, if you met me i sincerely hope im not and i dont think youd find me that way.
I had been preparing for an appointment in mid August. I had not had a check up in over a decade, and only (very naively) gone to the dentist when i felt i had a problem rather than being conscientious. Ive pushed my luck for far too long with my dental health.
Despite huge phobia, I had decided that at 38, I have to make a commitment to my dental health, fear or not. Its something I have to try and overcome.
Last friday, the anticipation of my checkup was making me so upset, i was quitting all my activities, my work productivity had fallen off a cliff to the point very friendly, very supportive colleagues had taken me to one side and asked if they could help in any way, not knowing my issues, and i wasn’t sleeping.
I called the dentists and asked if there was an appointment i could have sooner, as i couldnt function as a human being in my current state.
Luckily they said you can come on tuesday (which is today), and i plucked up the courage and said ok, ill come in. I want to be proactive and make a statement to myself that I can do it. I was scared to death, but it gave me a *little* boost doing that.
So i go to the appointment. This is what im considering is a *modicum* of success.
Everyone is great with me. They are treating me just like any other person, embracing my fear, settling me, no hint of judgement or anything.
Except the moment they tell me what’s wrong with me, I’m back to square one. I need deep cleaning, root planing in part of my mouth, i also need 2 fillings. Lets be honest I’ve got off lightly…..but im gone, im just back to an incoherent panic state.
My happiness level has gone up precisely zero. My phobia has decreased precisely zero.
Being distraught, i make an appointment for mid september to commence with the cleaning. Id have to check my phone i wasn’t absorbing what was going on really. I sat in the car and broke down. Im ALREADY thinking about the NEXT appointment in however many days time. 10 Seconds after i leave the door of my what should be my “first step” appointment.
Im ALREADY thinking about needles. Im ALREADY thinking about drills. Im ALREADY thinking about a pointless rinse and repeat cycle over and over and over of having needle after needle after needle in my mouth, every 6 months or more, forever, as inevitable damage is constantly repaired until my crap little life is over.
I was hoping my “road to damascus” moment would come, that a friendly dentist would set me on a path to at least feeling “this is manageable”….but rather than be manageable from a “youll see the benefits of coming and have a beautiful smile” angle, all i can see is the “lets give you a thousand needles and umpteen drillings until youve had that many you no longer care” side.
And i just totally broke down in the car. It feels like im signing up to something akin to a prison sentence.
The “rational”, “sensible” part of my brain is telling me im doing the right thing, yet people who care for me deeply and i confide in can’t understand. They are saying things like….youve never been in any pain or had problems. Youre losing your personality and its awful seeing you like this…youve invented a reason to be upset…forget it and enjoy yourself again. They mean well but i can’t accept their well wishing advice because id thus not go to the dentist again.
More sensible advice has been to suggest “try and forget about it, only think about the appointment nearer the time”…. im afraid this doesnt work. Ive tried. Some have suggested occupational therapists at work. A good suggestion which id like to explore.
Im beginning to think this goes far deeper than dentistry, as the thought of needing these appointments forever is making me question many, many things, and i may need to explore the possibility im in depression, and i need to sort that out first, because frankly, (sorry if im coming over naive or cold), my mouth doesnt hurt so for now i dont care. and i dont care one jot about a prettier smile either and I never will. People aren’t my friends or my girlfriend for a prettier smile. or slightly whiter teeth. They are my friends for how I’ve treated them as they’ve treated me, socially interacted and found common ground with them, and always been there for them as they’ve been for me.
So i feel stuck. I feel very helpless and emotional. I felt like I was doing the right thing, but as i sit here typing this, my happiness level is at an all time low. And even just typing all this out makes me hate who I am and how i sound.
Ive never felt my life fall apart so rapidly as it has over the last few weeks. I feel like other things in my life have been bubbling under recently, and this has ended up being a trigger for me. no amount of cleanings and fillings you can shove in my mouth will change the fact that, unless i better myself as a person and understand WHY these thoughts of dentistry have sent me down hill so rapidly and badly, and i can get a grip of other parts of my life, I have to win THAT battle before dentistry will make any difference.
Sorry everyone
Im sorry this is a long post, and its a bit dark, its not specifically about dentistry which is perhaps my bigger worry now. And typing this makes me sound like a horrible person, if you met me i sincerely hope im not and i dont think youd find me that way.
I had been preparing for an appointment in mid August. I had not had a check up in over a decade, and only (very naively) gone to the dentist when i felt i had a problem rather than being conscientious. Ive pushed my luck for far too long with my dental health.
Despite huge phobia, I had decided that at 38, I have to make a commitment to my dental health, fear or not. Its something I have to try and overcome.
Last friday, the anticipation of my checkup was making me so upset, i was quitting all my activities, my work productivity had fallen off a cliff to the point very friendly, very supportive colleagues had taken me to one side and asked if they could help in any way, not knowing my issues, and i wasn’t sleeping.
I called the dentists and asked if there was an appointment i could have sooner, as i couldnt function as a human being in my current state.
Luckily they said you can come on tuesday (which is today), and i plucked up the courage and said ok, ill come in. I want to be proactive and make a statement to myself that I can do it. I was scared to death, but it gave me a *little* boost doing that.
So i go to the appointment. This is what im considering is a *modicum* of success.
Everyone is great with me. They are treating me just like any other person, embracing my fear, settling me, no hint of judgement or anything.
Except the moment they tell me what’s wrong with me, I’m back to square one. I need deep cleaning, root planing in part of my mouth, i also need 2 fillings. Lets be honest I’ve got off lightly…..but im gone, im just back to an incoherent panic state.
My happiness level has gone up precisely zero. My phobia has decreased precisely zero.
Being distraught, i make an appointment for mid september to commence with the cleaning. Id have to check my phone i wasn’t absorbing what was going on really. I sat in the car and broke down. Im ALREADY thinking about the NEXT appointment in however many days time. 10 Seconds after i leave the door of my what should be my “first step” appointment.
Im ALREADY thinking about needles. Im ALREADY thinking about drills. Im ALREADY thinking about a pointless rinse and repeat cycle over and over and over of having needle after needle after needle in my mouth, every 6 months or more, forever, as inevitable damage is constantly repaired until my crap little life is over.
I was hoping my “road to damascus” moment would come, that a friendly dentist would set me on a path to at least feeling “this is manageable”….but rather than be manageable from a “youll see the benefits of coming and have a beautiful smile” angle, all i can see is the “lets give you a thousand needles and umpteen drillings until youve had that many you no longer care” side.
And i just totally broke down in the car. It feels like im signing up to something akin to a prison sentence.
The “rational”, “sensible” part of my brain is telling me im doing the right thing, yet people who care for me deeply and i confide in can’t understand. They are saying things like….youve never been in any pain or had problems. Youre losing your personality and its awful seeing you like this…youve invented a reason to be upset…forget it and enjoy yourself again. They mean well but i can’t accept their well wishing advice because id thus not go to the dentist again.
More sensible advice has been to suggest “try and forget about it, only think about the appointment nearer the time”…. im afraid this doesnt work. Ive tried. Some have suggested occupational therapists at work. A good suggestion which id like to explore.
Im beginning to think this goes far deeper than dentistry, as the thought of needing these appointments forever is making me question many, many things, and i may need to explore the possibility im in depression, and i need to sort that out first, because frankly, (sorry if im coming over naive or cold), my mouth doesnt hurt so for now i dont care. and i dont care one jot about a prettier smile either and I never will. People aren’t my friends or my girlfriend for a prettier smile. or slightly whiter teeth. They are my friends for how I’ve treated them as they’ve treated me, socially interacted and found common ground with them, and always been there for them as they’ve been for me.
So i feel stuck. I feel very helpless and emotional. I felt like I was doing the right thing, but as i sit here typing this, my happiness level is at an all time low. And even just typing all this out makes me hate who I am and how i sound.
Ive never felt my life fall apart so rapidly as it has over the last few weeks. I feel like other things in my life have been bubbling under recently, and this has ended up being a trigger for me. no amount of cleanings and fillings you can shove in my mouth will change the fact that, unless i better myself as a person and understand WHY these thoughts of dentistry have sent me down hill so rapidly and badly, and i can get a grip of other parts of my life, I have to win THAT battle before dentistry will make any difference.
Sorry everyone
