NEED IDEAS to get step dad to see dentist

[Concerned Daughter]

My step dad has a very strong aversion to the dentist and anything related to dental hygiene. My mom and I have never seen him use a toothbrush or go to the dentist in the last 10 years. In every other way, he is a very put together person.

When my mom has broached the topic about his fears of going to the dentist he abruptly ends the conversation. We do not know his history or how to help him.

It is obvious he is in pain right now, but refuses to seek help. His front teeth have broken off and are now spikes. It is obvious eating has become a challenge for him. How can we get him in to the dentist if he refuses to acknowledge any problem?

I thought about doing an intervention with friends and family, but not sure if this would backfire. I'm hoping to get some ideas from people who understand his fears. I love my stepdad and don't want him to suffer or get a life threatening bacterial infection. Please help with any suggestions.

 

[mikey]

It might help him if you could send/give him a link to this site, it might help for him to know there are other people like him. My mind is not giving me ideas right now so I will most likely add more in the morning after I have slept... tired from band practice.

 

[drummerswife]

As I read through your post, several thoughts ran through my mind.
As is true for most of the people on this site, I understand the fear you speak of that your step-father seems to have.
I avoided the dentist for many years because the terror was so overwhelming I just could not face it. The turning point for me was when I married my husband and he kept lovngly yet persistently talking to me about it and trying to persuade me to go. He promised to go with me and promised he would not let anything bad happen to me. Just like you, he did not know or understand why I was so fearful of the dentist, he knew nothing of my history in this area because this was one thing I had not shared with him. Why? Part of it was enbarrassment. For my husband, going to the dentist is simply a routine activity and I felt embarassed and a little ashamed that, for me, going to the dentist represented a terror so intense that I would rather let all my teeth fall out than face the dentist office.
My husband finally managed to convince me to try just one time. THat appointment was a disaster as I became competely hysterical. Fortunately, the dentist recognized I had acute dental phobia and referred me to another dentist who specializes in working with people like me. Looking back on it now, it would have been really helpful to my husband if he had known my history in this area, if he had known what had happened to me that made me so terrorified.
That said, I am wondering if your step-father is unwilling to talk about his fear, to share what has made him as frightened as he appears to be, is there someone in your family who may know this or is this there someone he is especially close to that he might be willing to share his concerns? Also, as you will see in the recommendations section, there are a number of excellent dentists out there who are very sensitive to this issue. However, as the dentist I was referred to told me "The very best way I can help you is if I know what happened to you" The first meeting I had with her involved nothing more than conversation. She didnt come anywhere near me. There are a number of dentists, particularly those sensitive to this issue, who will meet with someone like your step-father to do nothing than talk. This can often times go a long way towards bringing down the level of terror and anxiety that people with dental phobia feel. It can be the very first step towards reducing that fear. In my case, I felt a certain reassurace, however tentative it was, that all I had to do was talk to this person. Once she knew what had hapened to me in the past, she was able to tailor her approach accordingly.
I applaud you for being such a loving concerned daughter. I encourage you to continue to be lovingly persistant, as my husband was, and continue talking to your step-father. Reassurances can be helpful as advances in dentistry has made dental work virtually painless and some dentists, like mine, are trained in the use of sedation which makes going to the dentist no more threatening than taking a nap.
Hope this helps

 

[brewer734]

hey
The truth is this will only really work in 2 ways i know it took me 10 yrs to get my teeth sorted out. The only way yr stepdad will accept help or go to the dentist is when he's ready if he's not he just wont listen trust me anytime anyone mentioned the dentist i went cold and changed the subject quick no-one could tell me or help me untill i decided enough was enough. All you can do is try and let him know how much you love him and that you are really upset seeing him in pain at least that might make him think about it because im sure he doesnt want to upset you dental fear is horrific and its something only you personally can overcome. The 2nd way this might work is if the pain becomes worse not that you or anyone would want it too but when i was pacing the room at night in agony unable to lie down because of pain thats when i decided i'd had enough and had to get help thats when i came on this website.
Try and show yr stepdad this website if you can we have all been there and we can help if he wants to talk about it to someone else no one on here knows him so that takes away part of the horror of admitting it.
If and when he's ready he will know yr there for him you and yr mum with the right kind dentist he can get the help he needs but only when he decides the time is right.
all the best
Emma

 

[Concerned Daughter]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write with support and suggestions. I am going to share this website and forum with my step-dad and hope he will open up to the idea to getting help. I think I'll do some searches for dentists in my area who he could meet with to just talk to about the situation. Maybe that would take some of the pressure off if he knew it was just a consultation without an exam.

 

[drummerswife]

You are entirely welcome and I wish you and your step-father the very best. Clearly, he is blessed to have you in his life and I hope he is able to get the help he needs.
I am living testimony to how much your life can change when you can find your way through the terror. And in the wonderful community of support this forum offers, I am by no means alone.
Blessings to you both

 

[vict4ia]

Welcome to the forum. As others have said, it is nice to see that you are so concerned about your step-dad.

You've already been given lots of good advice by other posters. There is something that I want to mention, though. You said that you wondered if an intervention would be a good idea. I'd definitely stay away from that approach. Those of us who suffering from dental phobias tend to be quite embarrassed about the problem. Many people suffer from dental phobias and, yet, we perceive that our phobia is a major taboo. To bring others into the mix will likely make your step-Dad feel unsafe and immediately defensive.

When you do bring up the subject, I would suggest doing so in a way that will make your step-dad more likely to open up. I would avoid anything that sounds accusatory. I also wouldn't start off by mentioning anything about teeth or dentists directly. The words "teeth" and "dentist" make many dental phobics shut down immediately.

You could try something like, "I notice that you seem to be having some trouble eating. Is your mouth bothering you?" (Or whatever you think would work with your step-Dad.)

It is also helpful for you to think of something you are ashamed of or that you are afraid of - something you really wouldn't want other people to know about. How would you feel if somebody brought that subject up with you? How would you want them to approach the subject?

Don't push it too much all at once. Take baby steps. Let your step-Dad know that you love him and that you will continue to love him, no matter what. Let him know that he's not alone and that when he's ready to make his move, you'll be there to support him. Be sure to let us know how it goes.

Thanks for caring.

(I merged your threads so that answers to your questions will be in one spot and easier to find.)

 

[odette]

I definitely have to say that it would be better to broach the subject when he is alone, and although it is you who wants to help, remember that you might not be the best person to actually talk to him. It really has to be a buddy.

As “rude” as it is to go behind someone’s back (well, I felt it rude but then again, I was pissed at the time when a close friend confronted me….and that person was the only person in the world I would ever listen to regarding this, so chose the person well), I suggest trying to find out what his background is regarding the dentist thing as very helpful. Once I got over the fact that, “people were talking about me behind my back” it made me calmer not having to go over every horrific detail as to why I’m afraid since the person who confronted me already had the background story, so it took the pressure off me having to re-tell everything.

I remember at the time, I felt embarrassed and sad and angry (shocked, full of righteous indignation) for the first two minutes but then I calmed down because the person talking to me about it was steadfast and calm and showed a calm, steady concern for me. One thing that I didn’t like (and I’m very much like a guy with my emotions and behaviour from like the army) is being touched – even a reassuring pat on the shoulder. I just wanted my own space at that moment. And I didn’t want, well, I felt like they were staring at my mouth when they were speaking to me, even though they weren’t, I felt they were, probably from the embarrassment.

 

[justine1984]

There were a lot of great advice before me. All I want to add is that it is crucial that he doesn't feel pressured or forced to go. That is the scariest thing of all. That you HAVE to go. Let him know he doesn't HAVE to anything, make sure that message gets to him, that it's ok with you, you don't judge that (if he senses you do, that will only trigger a defensive reaction). I have been forced to see the dentist until I was 20 and I always felt like I had absolutely no choice, almost as if it was not about me and my mouth and my teeth. I felt objectified. I think that might be the actual main cause of my acute phobia now.
It is great that you are so concerned, I wish you patience and good luck !

 

[fradie cat]

I just had my first appt in 20 years. The only thing that got me to the dentist for the check up was his complete kindness. When my husband made the appt I told him to cancel... i wasnt going. The dentist himself called. We talked for a while and he listened to all my fears and had called me a couple of times since then. You need to find a dentist that is sympathetic to phobia's and fears like this. Your father being a man may be apprehensive to share his fears but a good dentist will make him feel at ease.
This dentist was the only reason i went. Even not to check his teeth but to get him to just get in the door the first time is a big step. Start there and work your way forward.
And this forum really helps alot.

 

[christel]

Welcome to the forum. As others have said, it is nice to see that you are so concerned about your step-dad.

You've already been given lots of good advice by other posters. There is something that I want to mention, though. You said that you wondered if an intervention would be a good idea. I'd definitely stay away from that approach. Those of us who suffering from dental phobias tend to be quite embarrassed about the problem. Many people suffer from dental phobias and, yet, we perceive that our phobia is a major taboo. To bring others into the mix will likely make your step-Dad feel unsafe and immediately defensive.

When you do bring up the subject, I would suggest doing so in a way that will make your step-dad more likely to open up. I would avoid anything that sounds accusatory. I also wouldn't start off by mentioning anything about teeth or dentists directly. The words "teeth" and "dentist" make many dental phobics shut down immediately.

You could try something like, "I notice that you seem to be having some trouble eating. Is your mouth bothering you?" (Or whatever you think would work with your step-Dad.)

It is also helpful for you to think of something you are ashamed of or that you are afraid of - something you really wouldn't want other people to know about. How would you feel if somebody brought that subject up with you? How would you want them to approach the subject?

Don't push it too much all at once. Take baby steps. Let your step-Dad know that you love him and that you will continue to love him, no matter what. Let him know that he's not alone and that when he's ready to make his move, you'll be there to support him. Be sure to let us know how it goes.

Thanks for caring.

(I merged your threads so that answers to your questions will be in one spot and easier to find.)

I agree 100 %.......I haven't seen a dentist in 30 years...........( went for the first time last month )..........if y daughter in law suggested " intervention"..........I don't think I would talk to her ever again..........

 

[aizamudio]

I was also scared if the dentist for years and put off treatment. my teeth looked terrible and my gums were starting to be red and swollen. I was certain I'd need surgery.

Well, nope! I just decided enough was enough and went in to see the dentist last week! I'm posting because technology for cleaning teeth has gotten so much better it's really not unpleasant at all! Try to find a good dentist that uses an ultrasonic scaler (there are you tub demonstrations of how one works). if he's anything like me, it'll help your dad to see what to expect. the ultrasonic scaler gets nasty calculus and stains off really fast, with no scary scraping tool/ annoying mirror combo. things have really gotten better in the past few years, I promise! my dentist also had a numbing mouth wash for me to use so that helped too.

 

[farmerjeanh]

An overlooked cause of male dental phobia is childhood sexual abuse, have you also considered seeing if he responds differently to the idea of a female dentist?

 

[ZENSMILES]

My step dad has a very strong aversion to the dentist and anything related to dental hygiene. My mom and I have never seen him use a toothbrush or go to the dentist in the last 10 years. In every other way, he is a very put together person.

When my mom has broached the topic about his fears of going to the dentist he abruptly ends the conversation. We do not know his history or how to help him.

It is obvious he is in pain right now, but refuses to seek help. His front teeth have broken off and are now spikes. It is obvious eating has become a challenge for him. How can we get him in to the dentist if he refuses to acknowledge any problem?

I thought about doing an intervention with friends and family, but not sure if this would backfire. I'm hoping to get some ideas from people who understand his fears. I love my stepdad and don't want him to suffer or get a life threatening bacterial infection. Please help with any suggestions.

It would be a good idea for someone to sit down with him and ask what exactly is he scared about? Is it the "dental process", is it the site, sounds, needles or the "dentist" himself in his white coat that scares him, once the causative factor is found, a plan can be made to manage it and get him the dental care that he desperately needs.

 

[gamergirl123]

There could be many reasons he's avoiding the place. Fear of the unknown is a major cause. Be it the first appointment or the final result, its enough to keep people away. Then when it comes to living w/ the final result, its not all sunshine and rainbows for some. And just don't force it since it'll just cause him more problems.

You have to trust me when I say if I knew the position I would of been in now, I would of just stayed a dental phob where at least I was happy. Last year I started the first step of the journey on march 31st which was under my will power, a day i later marked as "my biggest regret", mom then forced me into the dental work through him instead of finding a place that uses i.v. sedation. Why? Well, between the " your aunt might not be willing to pay the extra cost" argument that basically turned into a screaming match between us and the dentist using the "periodontal disease" scare tactic on her, I was screwed.

End result? I have uppers that don't function for eating, lowers that barely function for eating(outside of a few select meals, I avoid eating w/ them), I'm so tramitized by this whole fiasco that I can't even go back in to try and get at least the lowers sorted out, even the one day a week I wear them sucks the life out of me, and I'm still unsure if I should eventually go in for a cleaning or not.

 

[blewis53]

Hello,

I hope the situation with your step-dad has improved? and he has made the most difficult of leaps......the first leap/appointment. I did this back in March 2011 and have never looked back since.

I too avoided the dentist for 12 years, my teeth got to the point where I had 4 teeth recede to the gum line, constant pain and sleepless nights for weeks, I won't go into it but the pain was just awful at times. My teeth were in my thoughts everyday, I constantly thought about how bad they were!

I agree with many on here, you need to understand why he won't go. Until then it will be pretty much impossible to figure ways to persuade him. I am not being mean but please do not nag at him! or do an intervention as this will push him further and further into a lonely place he feels he cannot come out of plus embarrass him massively!, trust me I have been there and it's not nice! You need to be smart with this one.

If he is an older gentleman, he may have memories as a child of the school dentist coming into visit, lining up all the school kids on the stairs, a dentist demanding "open!" followed by "tut tut tut, that's not good now is it" followed by lots more negative comments, followed by a letter to mum demanding he goes to the dentist. I have this memory happening to me once at my primary school and I am only 28, so I only presume he could have had this experience or similar? It didn't help me at all.

Did he ever serve or did his father/mother serve in the forces? again, a little while back dentistry was a very different ball game, especially in the places such as the forces! although I'm confident this has changed and moved on with the times? could it be a possibility?

I myself am terrified of needles, I'll admit I have gotten better over time but I still hate the blo*dy things! despite this, I have two teeth to be surgically removed and a filling under IV sedation tomorrow at 09:30 22/08/2015.

I had 4 teeth surgically removed under IV sedation in 2011 - this was my first dose of treatment in over 10 years!

Am I scared of going this time?? yes of course I am, this is a normal natural human response to uncertainty, this isn't the first time I felt scared and won't be the last! but something is different this time, I accept the situation for what it is, I surrender to it, I am not fighting it anymore as I know that the tiny amount of discomfort I will feel tomorrow, will remove all the pain I currently feel in the two teeth that need pulling! Only with my mind in this state am I allowing myself to get on with it!

The point I'm trying to make is that you need to ascertain what is preventing him from even speaking about the dentist first of all, once this is known you can look at ways of helping him. Dentists nowadays are excellent at treating nervous patients for example, and they have genuine interests in helping people overcome their fears whatever your stepdads may be.

I think I may just be typing due to my nerves for tomorrow! but I hope you found this post of some use.

All the best to you and your family

 

[Jainus86]

My step dad has a very strong aversion to the dentist and anything related to dental hygiene. My mom and I have never seen him use a toothbrush or go to the dentist in the last 10 years. In every other way, he is a very put together person.

When my mom has broached the topic about his fears of going to the dentist he abruptly ends the conversation. We do not know his history or how to help him.

It is obvious he is in pain right now, but refuses to seek help. His front teeth have broken off and are now spikes. It is obvious eating has become a challenge for him. How can we get him in to the dentist if he refuses to acknowledge any problem?

I thought about doing an intervention with friends and family, but not sure if this would backfire. I'm hoping to get some ideas from people who understand his fears. I love my stepdad and don't want him to suffer or get a life threatening bacterial infection. Please help with any suggestions.

Hello

I've just been trawling the web as I'm in a very similar situation and come across this! I wondered how you'd gotten on? Did anything in particular work?

My dad hasn't been to the dentist in over 15 years, as a consequence of a painful wisdom tooth extraction (which he's never spoken about to me, that's just what I remember my mum telling me) he's now got barely any teeth left, the ones left are brown and rotting. He can't really eat very well so his quality of life isn't great.

My mum says she's suggested dental appointments but he doesn't respond so I don't think it's necessarily the right approach. I do understand that he's terrified but really at a loss as to what I can do to help. Any advice about even getting him to have a chat with a dentist would be massively appreciated!

Thanks

 

[carole]

Hi Jainus86 to the forum.

You could enquire from your dentist or your mums if they have any places for new patients first. I am presuming that you both go, and are happy with the dentists you see.

You could explain to your dad that all treatment is pain free now compared to the last time he attended. You could direct him to this site and there are plenty of us on here that can support and encourage him.

Explain to him that on a first appointment no treatment is done, they would like to have a look into his mouth with out the probe if he wishes and maybe take an x ray to assess the condition of his mouth. He has to give permission for a dentist to even look into his mouth and he is the one in charge now.

It used to be that we went and sat in the chair and they just did whatever they considered needed doing. Now they have to discuss with us what they recommend is needed and how best to plan the treatment to be done. If after this consultation he doesn't feel comfortable he doesn't need to go back. Or if the dentist doesn't put his mind at rest that they understand his fear then he can go elsewhere or not.

If he feels that he could work with the dentist starting with really small stuff first to build up a trust then he could over time get himself out of pain and orally healthy.

The trick to getting treatment is to find the right dentist for you. I did go to the dentist but I have had a lifetime fear which only the last couple of years has gone, because I have found a lovely dentist that has extracted a tooth, done a filling, placed a crown and a bridge and done cleans. All pain free and comfortable, the injections are also pain free. There is a lot of difference between then and now. If your father could be encouraged to attend a first appointment where nothing will happen if he doesn't want it to I am sure he would be on the road to getting the treatment he needs.

Do you know what he is afraid of, injections, pain, judgement or even getting a telling. The dentist will not judge him they have seen worse than any problem he may have with his teeth.

I wish you all the best

 

[Jainus86]

Hello Carole, thank you so much for your speedy reply and words of wisdom! Massively appreciated. Well done on overcoming your fear and for sharing your experience - helpful to know.

I'll make some enquiries at their local dentist, and maybe search for some ones that specifically say they help with nervous patients. I don't live too near them anymore, and my mum also hasn't been to the dentist for an age (are you sensing a theme?! Ironically my dad used to be the one to make her go!) since she got a full set of dentures. I've been overcoming my own dental fear so I've been talking to him a bit about that, about how it has changed and dentists (in my experience anyway) don't tend to do the tutting or the telling off that they used to do. Trying to not rush him as I think the decision has to be his, not mine. But we'll see how that goes - currently not too well!

Hadn't thought about explaining it by saying that he's the one in charge, I think that will help put him at ease. I'll also suggest he signs up here, I read through the forums a lot when I decided to start going back to the dentist after a number of years so hopefully it'll help him too.

Thanks so much again

 

[carole]

Your are welcome. I am nearly 60 years old and I know where he is coming from. Maybe the fact that someone older knows what it used to be like will help him to believe it really has changed. Not to say that you don't but he may feel that you didn't experience the same things he did.

In a clumsy way I am just trying to say as parents we don't always listen to what our children have to say, no matter how old or experienced they may be.

All the best to you and your dad

If he wouldn't want to join the site he could come on using your membership and introduce himself, he might feel safer doing it that way and if later on he wants to branch out and get really brave he can join himself