New Here, Young and ashamed of the state of my oral health.

[Kinndy]

Hi, I'm new to the site, but after reading many posts finally mustered the courage to post my situation.
I'm 20 years old, and after years of neglect to my oral health, I'm just now seeing the rapid damage it's having on my teeth. As a child I was not forced into practicing good oral hygiene, and often avoided it because I thought it was a waste of time. I wish I could kick my younger self in the rear now.

At about 13-14 years old, my father had decent dental insurance, and began to take me to regular dentist visits, the dentist of course was in shock of my condition at such a young age, and was concerned for the health of my gums. He told me then at age 16 or so that my teeth would probably only make it to age 30. This did not help me develop good hygiene though, as it only made me more depressed, and at such a young age I just said, what is the point. In order to begin repairing my damage, I needed braces to straighten the teeth in order to be worked on properly. Getting braces with hurting gums, and decaying teeth was what pushed me into complete anxiety and fear for my teeth. I then had my Orthodontist, and my dentist barking down my throat about my oral hygiene habits, and it made me just want to give up.

I am now 20 years old, out of the house and on my own, and have not been to the dentist since I left my parent's house(roughly 2 years). I drink ALOT Of soda, which is the main contributor to my current state of my teeth. I've been drinking soda everyday since I was roughly 9-10 years old. Even knowing it's a problem, I can't seem to find the strength to stop. My teeth are now beginning to chip, and it's making life harder. I have never smiled with my teeth, and avoid talking to people in fear of them seeing my teeth. I do have a loving boyfriend, who has been with me for two years, but I do not have the courage to tell him my situation and fears, and I don't think he has a clue either. He has however noticed my growing depression and when he asks me about it, I always lie about it.

I guess really what's holding me back from making an appointment is how ashamed I am, my dentist is a decent guy and a great dentist, and I know when he tells me about my situation straight up, he is only being honest, but It's just things I can't handle to hear. I am currently working a part time job, and not making much money, so I'm not even sure I could afford the work I need to have done after I made the appointment for a checkup. I don't want to end up having my teeth pulled at such a young age, and I fear that it will have to be done before I'm age 30.

I look in the mirror every time I pass one, and just want to cry. My gums are still painful, but are doing much better than my younger years, as I now practice decent oral hygiene. The depression and anxiety is driving me under, any advice or others who have survived who don't mind sharing would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Steve In Cleveland]

Hi Kinndy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation-- it is difficult, but it's not unsolvable. As you've hopefully picked up from reading some of the postings here, you're certainly not alone in finding yourself in a bad dental state and too afraid/ashamed to face it.

Probably the best advice I can give you at this point is to try not to get overwhelmed by the big picture. It's so easy to set up these endless chains of events in your head. "If I go to the dentist, that will lead to A, which will lead to B, etc etc etc, and that will lead to me being a friendless, toothless old maid at 30!"

The most important (and hardest, for us phobics) part is to get to a dentist and get an assessment of what you need to get your mouth back to a healthy state. There is no condition that's too severe to start treatment-- even if you can't afford to have everything fixed right away, you can stop the decay from getting worse and start moving slowly in the right direction, no matter how bad your teeth have gotten.

You might also find it easier to search for a new dentist. That's not a knock on your current dentist, but many of us build up a big fear of shame about returning to a dentist we haven't seen in a while. It's mostly not valid, but we worry about what he'll think of us when he sees us returning with worse teeth after all this time away, etc. Sometimes looking for a new, compassionate dentist, and starting with a blank page can be helpful. I'm also not sure what your dentist has said to you in the past "straight up," but it might be that your dentist is a little too direct about delivering news given your condition and phobia.

You'll read this a lot on here, but the truth is, no matter how bad your teeth are, your dentist (any dentist) has seen worse, and won't be shocked or appalled (or angry). When I finally went back to the dentist last year, after decades away, my teeth were falling apart almost in front of my eyes: the molars were all broken and jagged, there were black bits and giant holes and jagged points, etc. I was terrified of even opening my mouth. But when I saw my dentist, she was completely kind and level while she looked around my mouth, and didn't flinch or gasp or lecture me or even ask me what happened. She's been completely kind and gentle with me, and helped me fix my teeth and build up the confidence to start brushing and even flossing regularly. The type of work you need will depend on your individual diagnosis, but you should find a dentist who is compassionate and able to work with you to slowly rebuild not just your smile but also your confidence and trust. Even the people on the forum who have had most or all of their teeth removed report feeling way better physically and emotionally to be on a better path. It's also really common that the actual diagnosis is way less than what your fears are.

Cost can be an issue, but there are options: financing may be available, there are low-cost insurance/discount programs out there that can help lower the cost somewhat, and there are a variety of dental options that vary by cost. (Crowns and implants are expensive, but immediate dentures, partials, "flippers", etc can often be had for much less, and often can be replaced with implants later when you've had some time to save.) But again, the big thing is not to let your brain spin out of control and not to let the cost issue stop you from getting started. Even just getting an exam and discussing treatment options will give you some hope and help you understand that there is a way out, and if it takes a long time to fix everything, well, at least you'll have a goal. It's a little like saving for a car or some other big purchase: it feels a lot more achievable once you know how much you need and can start watching the money add up in the money jar, even slowly.

My other big message to you is that having bad teeth doesn't make you a bad person. You've been dealt a pretty bad hand by not having good dental habits established in your younger years, and not having good dental care either. That's left you in a bad spot, which is really unfair and not really your fault, but you're stuck having to fix this on your own. I tend to think of dental phobia more like a medical condition that you had the bad luck of getting, like cancer or diabetes. Our culture seems to reinforce the stereotype that people with bad teeth are dirty, poor, just generally bad or shameful people, but if you hang around the forum here, you'll see people from all classes, ages, levels of education, etc, who have found themselves suffering from the effects of dental phobia. It's something that happens, and as you described, once you find yourself with bad teeth, it just seems to lead to more neglect and avoidance, and it kind of spirals away from you.

So, you need to find a way to stop thinking of yourself as someone who has done something to be ashamed of, or a bad person, or whatever, and let go of what's already done. Imagine you just woke up this morning in a new body that had a mouth full of broken teeth-- you can't go back and undo whatever made them that way, but it's never too late to start working on fixing them and starting new. Every little thing you can do to move forward is great, including having the guts to post your story hear. Try switching to diet soda: there's all kinds of flavors now, and you can drink all you want without hurting your teeth (it's still not great for you but it doesn't cause tooth decay; I made the switch and still drink several cans a day). Get a soft toothbrush and try to brush a little, and don't worry if your gums bleed-- they'll stop after a week or two.

And, make a goal to search for a compassionate dentist. Maybe that's your old guy, maybe just look around the forums here or on the internet for a dentist with good reviews from their patients. If you have someone who's a really good friend (maybe your boyfriend, maybe a relative or other friend) and a good listener, try to get that person to help you work up the guts to make a phone call and just let a dentist have a look. Remember that just letting the dentist do a visual exam doesn't mean you immediately have to fix everything or anything. A compassionate dentist should be able to have a calm, non-judging conversation with you about what can be done to fix yourself up, and how to start-- that's the dentist's job. That old line about the journey of a thousand miles starting with a single step? It's true about dentistry too. Even if you have a bunch of teeth that "aren't going to make it", you can still start planning and taking steps to get healthy and feeling better about yourself, rather than just sitting helplessly while your smile gets worse.

Good luck and for having the courage to tell your story here. I know it feels impossible but there is a way through, and there's lots of us here who can cheer you along the way.

 

[Davee]

Please do not let shame get in the way of achieving good oral health. You are young, and will one day want to start a family. Did you know that gum disease has been indicated to be a factor in low birth weights for babies? So you need to look at the big picture, that you need to take care of yourself and that means saving the teeth that you have, or letting go of the ones that will hinder your whole body health. This will make the rest of your life better as you need to be healthy.

And as for shame......we all feel it. As a mother, my heart aches for you that you feel shame. You are too young my dear to feel this way. When you are young you count on your parents and others to take care of your health. Young people feel they are immortal and do not realize the consequences of their decisions at a young age. So you really can't blame yourself. You are now more mature, and this is the time to start making decisions for yourself. But don't feel guilt. Please my sweet, don't feel guilt or shame.

I understand how hard it must be to talk to your boyfriend about your teeth. I experienced the same feelings when I needed to tell my husband that my "cute" smile was really just a land mine in my body and that I needed to have a tumor in my jaw removed, three teeth removed (in the front) and have a partial denture at my young age. In fact it was hard to tell the whole family. But I did, and they have been awesome and tell me how pretty my smile is with my fake teeth. They forget I have fake teeth, and dental problems and still treat me like me. It is much harder on us then them so just take care of yourself.

One step at a time is how you need to approach this. I too was afraid after my tumor and teeth were removed and switched to another dentist when I sensed my previous dentist was not getting things right for me. My new dentists told me "You have an active infection (gum disease) but it is not something we can't fix." In then end I think we need to try to fix the things we can. You need to stop drinking soda and get a deep cleaning to stop your gum disease. I am really down and out about my teeth and gums, but my gums do not bleed anymore and my breath is fresh. My first deep cleaning was not done well so I had to repeat it. But even so, with the first deep cleaning my gums stopped bleeding and my breath is fresh. I hate my teeth and gums, but I can lean over and whisper to someone and not fear knocking them out. lol And I actually look better, so my problems are well disguised to the general public.

Take care my sweet. You tug at my heartstrings as I have a daughter close to your age. I just really feel that things are "fixable" at your age and that you can be more confident and not depressed when you get your dental problems sorted out. Please keep us updated, and I am sending you tons of good energy.

 

[Kinndy]

Thank you for the encouraging words. Steve I think you are right about my dentist. I can't seem to remember one visit to him where I didn't end up in tears from the response I got from him. ): I have recently switched to diet soda, and switched to a softer tooth brush about 4 weeks ago, and am liking it much more, it makes cleaning my gums a lot easier.
Thank you Davee for your concern, it's really nice to have someone else actually have concern for me, as I keep all my problems pent up. And I'm glad to hear you are not suffering as you once were. But I am proud to say me and my boyfriend are now looking into dental insurance together so we can make that first trip to the dentist.

 

[Steve In Cleveland]

Hooray, that's great news! Give yourself a huge pat on the back for enlisting your boyfriend as a partner and looking into dental insurance. It's definitely a journey: there will be days when you're feeling great and like you can conquer the world... and then there will be days when you just want to curl up in the corner and hide. And both of those are perfectly fine. Celebrate the little victories and give yourself permission to slide back sometimes.

It's amazing how much a few small word can sit and fester in our minds, even if they weren't mean-spirited in the first place. After I had a round of major treatments (root canals, crowns) about twenty years ago, my dentist told me when I was done, "Now, make sure you take care of these!" And she told me about another patient who had neglected his crowns and ended up with all kinds of decay a few years later. She said something like "don't be that guy!" It was friendly, but years later when I'd slid back into not brushing and avoiding the dentist again, that little story stuck in my head, and I thought, "Oh no, I'm that guy!" A lot of my subsequent phobia came from a fear of the shame of being the guy who had a lot of work and then let it all rot again.

It was SO SO liberating to go to a new dentist and not have her say, "What happened?!?" or shame or mock me in any way. She just was very calm and talked about what we could do going forward, and treated me like I was just a normal person with some dental problems. Which I am... and so are you!!! You may need more work than other people, but in the end you're a perfectly normal person who happens to need some dental work. It's like needing to get your car repaired.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress (or even just share your fears and problems) and we'll cheer you on.

 

[Kinndy]

Ugh I know this feeling way too much! I always feel that I'm the only patient my dentist is disappointed with, I'm the one not making progress, I'm the disaster. I would have kept believing that I was until this site popped up, I had no clue others suffered as I am now. I thought I was such a rare case, and when you feel alienated and out of place, it's hard to make the right decisions for yourself. I still feel the shame of how I got myself to this state, but the confidence is slowly coming back so that I can fix this mess. I hope one day I can post my success here, but that check-up is still haunting me slightly...

 

[worriedmom01]

Can you please help me? You are young like my son, so I'm hoping you can give me advice. My son is 24 and refuses to brush his teeth regularly. He hated the dentist as a young child and always gagged during certain procedures. I know he hated the dentist, so we switched to a nicer one which worked for a long time. As an adult though, he literally walks out for the day without brushing his teeth. When I talk to him about it he gets upset and shuts down and refuses to tell me what the problem is. I have bought every flavor and brand of toothpaste, every kind of toothbrush, nothing works. You are young but took the situation in hand and came on here for help. How can I help my son? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Kinndy]

I don't know the condition of your sons teeth, but for me, I was so ashamed of the state of my teeth I didn't even want to look at them, or touch them. When people tried to help me by warning me of the dangers of not brushing, I acted like your son, got really upset, not because I was mad at the people trying to help, but because I felt like it was bringing out my faults, and I was more upset with myself, but couldn't admit it.

I hated the dentist more than anything, to me it was pure torture, not because I was afraid of pain ( though I was slightly) but because I knew my teeth were bad and I just didn't want to face it. I fought with my dad many times over it.

I came on here for help when I saw my front teeth chipping, and that was finally what broke me I guess. It was no longer hidden in the back of my mouth, and that bothered me more than trying to not face it. I felt alone, and that makes it harder to try and face a problem like this, let your son know that you are there for support, and you don't blame him. Try not to lecture him on what will become of his teeth, he probably already knows and it probably haunts him daily.

Showing him this site may help him as well, if he isn't open to talking to people about it face to face. I didn't have the confidence to say anything to those that loved me, but seeing others posts here let me know that I was not a freak and it was just something that needed to be taken care of. It also helps to talk to people who are struggling as he is, when people with pretty teeth talk to you about your rotting ones, it can sometimes have the opposite effect. He may feel he is being condemned.

And as Steve mentioned on here, having a caring and kind dentist makes the world of a difference. We don't want to feel more ashamed than we already are at the place that is supposed to be helping us. So maybe ask him if he is still happy with how his dentist handles things.

It is still hard for me, and always will be, don't give up on your son, he probably is just struggling to tell you how he feels. Good luck to you.