W
Whyohwhy12
Member
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2024
- Messages
- 76
- Location
- United Kingdom
It's funny, I've been stoic throughout many things in my life, my mother passing suddenly at 57, for one, just as much as I was when I found out the news. I haven't really, if ever, cried in my adult life that I can ever remember. But for the first time in my adult life as a guy (and I'm 35), when it clicked progressively over the last couple days when I realized the likelihood of how bad things would have been had I carried on trying to fight, I just totally broke down today when checking my mouth thoroughly. As I sit here typing with a giant 4 day recent fallen out bottom 1st Molar filling, with the yellow pulp visible, seemingly the entire tongue side missing (I still have the old metal filling actually) and constantly being aware of it being there no matter what I do, with a 12 hour shift tomorrow in just a few hours. Not pain exactly yet, just...awareness.
What's confusing to me about all this is the rapidity of everything, which seems crazy considering the obviousness of the time it would have taken to reach to this point. I don't even know where to start, but once you hear the extent of my dental issues, it would be surprising actually to learn this is the most ''irritated'' I've been by a Tooth constantly. I assume that's because it's actually one of the only times I had something so alive before it died, maybe, with all of my other dental work being either as a kid or so long ago it's all out of memory, back when the dental phobia started and as teen and I still remember the guy saying vividly ''wow all this is just falling apart look at this on a 14 year old...".
In other words it doesn't mean I must have okay teeth, on the contrary, I've got a cracked bottom pre-molar on the other side and, outside of noticing when I lost it 4 years ago because I felt the crunch in my mouth (painless), I never had pain from it once, and there it stands still today. For all I know it was an old emergency filling I got as a kid, and the decay half crept under it ten odd years later, so it was dead long before then. My last adult appointments were in 2009, and that was only very, very reluctantly, and honestly I was in such a blind panic I have no idea what was even accomplished, outside of my mouth full of metal fillings. I get the regular sharp when drinking cold things going on at the top, but I'm never seeing what's causing that.
Regardless, I say it's come about so fast because I've been married (separated now 8 months, a lot bought on by my codeine use which made me numb. surprising) to someone anal about oral hygiene, yet she never once mentioned issues with me. In fact to the extent when I fell face first off my bicycle 3 years ago and chipped my front top tooth slightly, she noticed it within 5 minutes of me walking in the door, and I had plenty issues then, but that is probably testament to how well I kept everything hidden, as she absolutely would have done, not only just for me, but also never seeming bothered around her friends when I'd see them. But, fearing the worse about this recent ''issue'' in my mouth being ever-present every waking hour, I - for the first time like 10+ years believe it or not - really checked my mouth.
And...wow. I turn my head literally 45 degrees off center on top, look both ways, and use a finger to open each cheek and...every single tooth between the gaps is black. I don't think that's just surface level black, I stopped smoking 10+ years ago too, it's ''I can fit floss right in there" black. My front tooth is chipped as mentioned, but it's discoloured on the bottom edge like 1-2mm now too. One of my top incisors has a decent sized, easily visible gumline dot of dark decay from the front, which I knew about and always hid, but the back shocked me more because...it appears just an old, what from memory was a white filling, is taking up a good amount of that tooth, keeping it it in place. Bottoms? Well crap, as I said, if it's not cracked in half already it's filled with old metal, and my bottom front 4...there but are stained on the back, with superficial tiny cavities, but then again the rest of my teeth aren't immune from that either, to add insult.
So in other words the denial, never really checking or having any abscesses or prolonged aches, and kicking the can down the road was so powerful. I actually often brushed (never flossed - fuck), but I never looked really when I did, I just did the fronts I could see, and jammed it down my cheeks to do the rest thoroughly enough until my toothbrush buzzed at me to stop. Never looked into my mouth like this before today, believe it or not.
Why is it so hopeless? One, I can't take time off work. Really, I work strict fixed 12 hour days around childcare of my 3 year old. Since moving out proper 3 months ago, I've had a handful of days ''off'' with just me...and they're all weekends, mostly Sundays. I work exclusively Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (with one Saturday a month) and have her Tuesday and Friday. No flexibility. I do Saturdays I don't have her the weekend. It would be bad enough for one day off.
Two...I have no family up here available (I moved across country to be here), and while my mother in law is great with me, she also works full time and has her one day she's off....when me and the ex are at work. Even if she was always free, I'd still feel reluctant to admit to these issues to her.
Which leads to Three, I can't bring myself to admit to my ex even how bad it is, because no matter how cordial we are, it would not change anything as again, her schedule is around mine.
And Four, I'm in the UK, and no local NHS dentist within 50+ miles exists, so I'm having to do this Privately locally, I can't travel here there and everywhere either to various teaching places even they had places (because of the above) and just the cost alone for 3 implants is the entire budget...for a multi year commitment (yay for low wages too!), and I'm still at the age where as vain is it is, which seems stupid considering my mouth, I absolutely do not want to encourage bone loss.
So how the hell do I even begin to navigate this? Massive issues with multiple procedures, can't take time off work short notice, even if I do take time off work for a few days here and there, I'd still have to have my daughter and no childcare to rectify that, limited funds and a 5 year commitment just to raise what to a layman is the bare minimum....
I can't juggle this for a happy outcome, can I?
What's confusing to me about all this is the rapidity of everything, which seems crazy considering the obviousness of the time it would have taken to reach to this point. I don't even know where to start, but once you hear the extent of my dental issues, it would be surprising actually to learn this is the most ''irritated'' I've been by a Tooth constantly. I assume that's because it's actually one of the only times I had something so alive before it died, maybe, with all of my other dental work being either as a kid or so long ago it's all out of memory, back when the dental phobia started and as teen and I still remember the guy saying vividly ''wow all this is just falling apart look at this on a 14 year old...".
In other words it doesn't mean I must have okay teeth, on the contrary, I've got a cracked bottom pre-molar on the other side and, outside of noticing when I lost it 4 years ago because I felt the crunch in my mouth (painless), I never had pain from it once, and there it stands still today. For all I know it was an old emergency filling I got as a kid, and the decay half crept under it ten odd years later, so it was dead long before then. My last adult appointments were in 2009, and that was only very, very reluctantly, and honestly I was in such a blind panic I have no idea what was even accomplished, outside of my mouth full of metal fillings. I get the regular sharp when drinking cold things going on at the top, but I'm never seeing what's causing that.
Regardless, I say it's come about so fast because I've been married (separated now 8 months, a lot bought on by my codeine use which made me numb. surprising) to someone anal about oral hygiene, yet she never once mentioned issues with me. In fact to the extent when I fell face first off my bicycle 3 years ago and chipped my front top tooth slightly, she noticed it within 5 minutes of me walking in the door, and I had plenty issues then, but that is probably testament to how well I kept everything hidden, as she absolutely would have done, not only just for me, but also never seeming bothered around her friends when I'd see them. But, fearing the worse about this recent ''issue'' in my mouth being ever-present every waking hour, I - for the first time like 10+ years believe it or not - really checked my mouth.
And...wow. I turn my head literally 45 degrees off center on top, look both ways, and use a finger to open each cheek and...every single tooth between the gaps is black. I don't think that's just surface level black, I stopped smoking 10+ years ago too, it's ''I can fit floss right in there" black. My front tooth is chipped as mentioned, but it's discoloured on the bottom edge like 1-2mm now too. One of my top incisors has a decent sized, easily visible gumline dot of dark decay from the front, which I knew about and always hid, but the back shocked me more because...it appears just an old, what from memory was a white filling, is taking up a good amount of that tooth, keeping it it in place. Bottoms? Well crap, as I said, if it's not cracked in half already it's filled with old metal, and my bottom front 4...there but are stained on the back, with superficial tiny cavities, but then again the rest of my teeth aren't immune from that either, to add insult.
So in other words the denial, never really checking or having any abscesses or prolonged aches, and kicking the can down the road was so powerful. I actually often brushed (never flossed - fuck), but I never looked really when I did, I just did the fronts I could see, and jammed it down my cheeks to do the rest thoroughly enough until my toothbrush buzzed at me to stop. Never looked into my mouth like this before today, believe it or not.
Why is it so hopeless? One, I can't take time off work. Really, I work strict fixed 12 hour days around childcare of my 3 year old. Since moving out proper 3 months ago, I've had a handful of days ''off'' with just me...and they're all weekends, mostly Sundays. I work exclusively Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (with one Saturday a month) and have her Tuesday and Friday. No flexibility. I do Saturdays I don't have her the weekend. It would be bad enough for one day off.
Two...I have no family up here available (I moved across country to be here), and while my mother in law is great with me, she also works full time and has her one day she's off....when me and the ex are at work. Even if she was always free, I'd still feel reluctant to admit to these issues to her.
Which leads to Three, I can't bring myself to admit to my ex even how bad it is, because no matter how cordial we are, it would not change anything as again, her schedule is around mine.
And Four, I'm in the UK, and no local NHS dentist within 50+ miles exists, so I'm having to do this Privately locally, I can't travel here there and everywhere either to various teaching places even they had places (because of the above) and just the cost alone for 3 implants is the entire budget...for a multi year commitment (yay for low wages too!), and I'm still at the age where as vain is it is, which seems stupid considering my mouth, I absolutely do not want to encourage bone loss.
So how the hell do I even begin to navigate this? Massive issues with multiple procedures, can't take time off work short notice, even if I do take time off work for a few days here and there, I'd still have to have my daughter and no childcare to rectify that, limited funds and a 5 year commitment just to raise what to a layman is the bare minimum....
I can't juggle this for a happy outcome, can I?