seeking advice for making an appointment

[flowerya]

hi i was wondering if anybody has any advice on how to make an appointment? also apologies for this being a little all over the place i’m not the best at explaining and i’m quite nervous. i am 22 and i don’t think ive been to the dentist since i was 16 due to mental health issues and a lot of anxiety i have around dentists and teeth in general.

unfortunately for me, a couple days ago my teeth started to hurt really badly, and i mean most of them not just one or two. i try not to look at my teeth often i just try to brush them twice a day and use a fluoride mouthwash at night but i’m seriously freaked out by teeth in general and anything involving dentists/orthodontists plus i was trying to avoid facing the reality of my dental health. i finally decided to take a good look at them and i have significant gum recision, discoloration, and i can see a couple chips + the teeth pain and sore gums. i struggle with alcoholism (been sober for about a year now) and didn’t really eat that often so i was very underweight and neglecting my oral hygiene because of my drinking that started at 16. i still have issues making sure i eat enough and am still underweight because i have arfid and i think that’s also why my teeth have gotten so bad.

i really need to make an appointment because i can’t think about anything other than the pain. i told myself that i need to make one tomorrow with the dentist i used to see growing up. im very scared because i do have autism and growing up i used to throw huge tantrums because i was so scared of going to the dentist and looking back i was acting pretty dramatic but i was scared and the dentist (that still works there) used to make fun of me a lot (im not mad about this, im really ashamed because i wasn’t aware that i had autism until i was 19 so i doubt they knew either) anyways im just really nervous to go back there and if ill be met with ridicule because of my tantrums as a child, and then i stopped going as a teenager because i was struggling with my mental health, and now my teeth are in bad shape.

i’m not sure what to say when making the appointment and i’m terrified of the damage being worse than i think it is. im super freaked out by teeth so im scared im going to need oral surgery or something and im deeply ashamed of how bad i have let my teeth get. i know i need to do this but im terrified and don’t know what to expect or say and i don’t want to talk myself out of doing this.

 

[flowerya]

okay i pussied out lmao what a surprise and they close in 5 minutes so i’m gonna try and make one this monday.

 

[Enarete]

Hi flowerya ,

thank you for sharing your story with us. I have to say that after all that happened to you, there was a part of me that got a bit scared and uncomfortable at the thought of your returning to that dentist who seems not to have been helpful in any way in the past. I do not think that your tantrums were any dramatic - I am imagining that in the panic you have been experiencing, that was how you were reacting. It's painful to read that you have been ridiculed and most likely not the best step to beat your anxiety either.

Is there any chance of finding a nice dentist? Maybe contacting them beforehand and sharing about your anxiety to see how they react? I am aware that the time is tight as you have been in pain, but would still wish for you to have someone kind.

Here is an article about how to find a dentist which also includes some ideas on how to contact them.

All the best wishes and please keep us posted as you get on

 

[flowerya]

@Enarete
hi Enarete,

thank you for responding! i’m very nervous about seeing my former dentist but because of insurance my only options are either her or another dentist that has multiple reviews that verbatim refer to his practice as a “chop shop”

my childhood dentist isn’t terrible compared to my old orthodontist (he is a whole other story and a big reason why i completely avoided dentists/hygienists for years but i wrote my post at around 4am and didn’t go into depth about my story but i may start a journal thread) i really appreciate your support and encouragement, it means a lot but unfortunately my tantrums were practically full on screaming episodes(when i was a child and that changed to noticeable anxiety that she would kind of poke fun at when i was a teenager). so i understand how after dealing with that for years she would get tired of it but im just hoping she won’t be annoyed by my anxiety as an adult as well. i’m just nervous because as far as i remember she is judgmental about oral hygiene and health, and my teeth have reverted after not wearing my retainers for years + now my teeth are in pretty bad shape.

thank you for the link! i might have to pursue a payment plan with a dentist that works specifically with patients that have intense dental phobia so that will be helpful. depending on how the call goes i will update on monday.

the problem is i start hyperventilating and feeling like im going to pass out when i think about calling. and the anxiety ill have leading up to going if i do make an appointment will be debilitating. i am thinking of calling and asking if they are accepting adult patients with dental anxiety that haven’t seen a dentist in over 5 years and then seeing what they say and going from there.

sorry for the rant, i’ve never actually spoken about my dental anxiety with anybody and i didn’t know how common my situation is. it’s nice to know that there is a forum for people like me and that im not the only person that struggles with this.

 

[Enarete]

Thank you for clarifying and explaining how you feel about the dentist and also the orthodontist who was so awful. I still wished you'd find someone kind as being judgmental does not sound very helpful either. With that said, you are in pain and it seems to be the only option so I see how nothing can be done much

I like your plan with calling and asking them. Is there any chance of asking them via email first? It sounds like even the call is too much for your anxiety at the moment.

Believe me, there are more people scared of the dentist than not and for those who are scared, everything you describe is really common. Research says that about 10% of people suffer from anxiety so severe that they cannot see a dentist at all and about 36% are somewhat able to go but are still scared.
It is also good to remember that you are not scared just like that, without a reason, but rather have been given reasons by past dentists who did not do a great job at making you feel heard and comfortable and safe.

Good luck on Monday, looking forward to read your updates

 

[flowerya]

@flowerya about to make the call…. so scared and anxious i tried to do this while being exhausted to see if they would help my anxiety but it hasn’t. i am so scared lmao

[time break] okay this is an hour later after small panic attacks lol but i finally got the courage to call and had a whole script ready. they’re booked out for months and told me to call another office all that anxiety and vulnerability to be told no lol lol lol idk what to do i cannot afford 5K to fix my teeth

 

[flowerya]

@flowerya phone call went like this:

me: Hi, good morning. im a former patient at (office name), i used to go when i was younger but i can't remember when my last appointment was. and it's been over 5 years since i’ve seen any dentist or dental hygienist elsewhere.

i’ve been struggling with my mental health and bécause of that i’ve seriously neglected my oral hygiene and health over the years. i’m pretty ashamed of how bad it's gotten but last tuesday, i started experiencing pain in multiple teeth. i know that i have visible tooth decay and gum recession on multiple teeth, but i’m honestly anxious about having a cleaning done because of how sensitive my teeth are right now. i was wondering if i could schedule an exam and possibly doing a cleaning if it feels manageable?

receptionist: currently we are booked out for several months so if you’re experiencing pain i would recommend finding a different office

me: oh okay thank you

receptionist: mhm *she hangs up*



bruh that was humiliating took me mad long to figure out wth to even say and it got me absolutely nowhere

*edit*
she wasn’t crazy rude but my god is it humiliating to say all that and be that vulnerable with a stranger especially regarding dental work. but i’m gonna send out a few emails to other offices because i can’t do that phone call again man like that was terrifying. but i’m honestly kinda proud that i called even if it didn’t go how i wanted

 

[flowerya]

@Enarete hi,
thank you. i’m trying to tell myself that feeling shame over something i personally can’t change is counterproductive. and that the only way i can deal with this is by doing it.

also i made the phone call! i made some updates explaining it didn’t go that well and ill have to find a different dentist :/

i’ve decided i will need to email instead of calling so i will be drafting some emails today to send to 3 other practices that include sections on their websites about nervous patients. reviews aren’t the best but i live in a small town so im honestly surprised there are even any dentists that know of/accept dental phobic patients. just gotta see if they take my insurance.

thank you for your advice, support, and encouragement! i seriously appreciate it

 

[Enarete]

Oh, so sorry to read that they told you to seek someone else.. after you were so vulnerable and open about your fears and plucked up the courage to call in the first place. I see how that did not feel good and I would feel a lot of shame as well. But remember: you have done everything right, you have been brave, open and honest and you did the right thing. That shame is a liar. Btw. I am shocked that a practice can turn you down when you are in pain. Where I am based there is a legal obligation for a doctor to accept you if you are in pain.
Anyway, love your dedication and how you are dealing with it - sending emails instead of calls sounds really good and it allows you to check how the practice communicates without having to get in touch over the phone straight away. Let us know how you got on

 

[flowerya]

@Enarete thank you for continuing to respond and the encouragement! yes i’m not sure why i was turned away either, maybe because there is only 1 dentist there so they can’t take new emergency patients? not sure. also im in the US so healthcare standards here aren’t the best :/ i ended up getting a response from a different practice that accepts patients with intense dental anxiety. i have an appointment tomorrow at 11am and i am trying my best not to think about it.

 

[flowerya]

@flowerya
idk if i have to give content warnings but i will anyways: CW i’m gonna talk abt why i’m nervous for tomorrow and i mention being put in a chokehold/ having my arms held down + dental trauma stuff


alright. appointment is tomorrow at 11am. i stayed awake until 4am for the past couple of days just stressing. i thought id never have to do this again lol i don’t know the name of the dentist i am seeing which is stressing me out a lot to be honest. i got an appointment on short notice so i think it’ll be whoever is there that day. all the dentists on their webpage seem okay i think its just the not knowing that’s getting me + i am stressed about having a male dentist because the last time i had a cleaning when i was 17 (and at an inpatient psych ward and the hospital scheduled me for a cleaning bc it had been years since my last one) the dentist there kept trying to touch my arm (he kept rubbing my arm and shoulder and i was scared to tell him to stop bc i was scared he would get mad at me and hurt me while cleaning my teeth but after the third or fourth time of him doing it i finally asked him to please stop touching me and the look on his face was weird. he looked mad and like he couldn’t believe i would say that) he stopped touching my arm but part way through cleaning my teeth he put me in a partial chokehold (his arm was in a triangle and was under my chin and i could feel a little pressure but not enough to pass out and he didn’t enclose the triangle with his other hand. but he would tighten it when i tried to get his arm from under my chin) i have no idea why he did that because i wasn’t moving or doing anything prior to warrant him trying to keep me still and i even asked the woman (staff member at the ward that took me to the dentist) that was in the room with me why he did that and she said that she didn’t know and that she’s never seen him do that before. i’m just scared. ik logically that it most likely won’t happen again but the fact that it even happened once is terrifying. i also had my gum cut open during that cleaning (don’t know how this happened i just felt a really really sharp pain and then i started tasting blood and felt it pooling a little bit in my mouth and they had to get a suction thing and put gauze on my gums and apply pressure to make it stop). really bad experience and i don’t know if i can handle having a male dentist again but idk if i have a choice. even having someone else in the room wouldn’t help bc the staff member that took me didn’t say or do anything the whole time she just sat in the room and played on her phone while this man had me in a chokehold i also had a different female dentist (not my old one, i had to have a different dentist perform this because she refused to deal with my screaming) when i was a child (<10) hold my arms down while giving me shots to numb me for getting a couple cavities filled. ahhhh idk idk im just really scared of either of those things happening again. trying not to psych myself out tho also i paid a deposit and i don’t wanna lose that or get blacklisted

 

[Enarete]

I am so sorry you had to endure these horrid experiences. The situation with the male dentist sounds so traumatic! Starting with the fact that you just have been scheduled without having any say in what will happen and on which terms and then the dentist being so intrusive first and frankly violent afterwards. And of course you couldn't do or say anything because of the power disbalance - not only between the dentist and yourself, but in the context of the ward as well. What an awful experience. No surprise you are scared now.
When it comes to a male dentist, I see how you are scared. On the other hand, if he is nice, it may be a very profound good experience that may help you to gain trust again.
Do they have pictures of their dentists on their page? It may help to look at these to get a sense of familiarity so things feel less strange.
A couple of things that may help that may be worthy of discussing with your dentist today:
1) can you agree on somthing that would make him stop immediately when you do that, such as raising your hand? You could try that out somewhere in the early stage of the visit and check whether he really stops.
2) Could he make sure to only touch your mouth with his hands and to limit any further physical contact? (Which a "normal" dentist would do anyway, but agreeing on that explcitly may give you some reassurance)

Also anything else that you feel may help - shall they tell you what they are doing and talk you through or would you prefer not to get much information? Shall they let you have a breather now and then or would you prefer to ask for a break when you need it? etc..

You are doing a great job so far. It is not about not being anxious but about pushing through and you have been doing exactly that.

 

[flowerya]

okay update. it’s 9:59am and i didn’t fall asleep until 6am and was researching step by step procedures for what i’m getting done today. i’m exhausted yet full of anxiety. very scared not only to find out how bad my teeth have gotten but about the comprehensive exam + x-rays. i made it clear that im not comfortable with a cleaning so they won’t be doing that but the idea of being in that chair again makes me want to cry and ik im gonna end up crying when i get there. ill update again after its done and im back home.

 

[Enarete]

Best of luck, you got this!

 

[flowerya]

@flowerya late update ik but i needed some time to mentally recover lol anyways nothing crazy bad happened but this is how it went:
first visit (1hr cleaning is tomorrow )

• x rays were kind of painful, having to bite down in awkward positions and having plastic/metal press into the roof of my mouth/under my tongue and i realized that any sort of pain is a major trigger for me (shocker ik LOL) i immediately start to feel panicked and start sweating :/
• i wasn’t aware that checking gum recession would involve a metal tool and poking and that freaked me out and i had a quiet semi-panic attack and cried silently after she was done (i doubt the hygienist knew but she didn’t comment on it and she was facing the computer behind me while i was trying to get myself to stop lol) when the hygienists were checking my gum recession and letting the other know which ones were bleeding + the taste of blood in my mouth (really wasn’t much at all but enough for me to taste copper) was incredibly triggering like i started disassociating and crying/ breathing pretty fast and just stared at a wall for a good 5 minutes afterwards. it sucks that bc i neglected my teeth so much they’re gonna bleed whenever i do the things i have to in order to fix them. also the hygienist was super super nice and said sorry multiple times and tried to be gentle
• dentist was nice and he didn’t touch anywhere other than my mouth! yay!
• i have 8 cavities (no root canals needed!! all will be resin and they said 7 of them weren’t even really preventable on my part because they are in areas that flossing and brushing can’t reach? one 1 of them was in between my teeth and i think that’s bc i haven’t flossed in 6 years) + my gum recession isn’t that serious and they said i won’t lose any teeth/ i don’t have any bone loss. + I DONT HAVE WISDOM TEETH LETS GOOOOO like i don’t have them at all not even roots or anything. i was so scared i did have them and that id need oral surgery…both the dentist and the hygienist asked if im sure i never got them removed….. trust and believe i would remember that for the rest of my life if i did ever get them removed i don’t think that’s something i could forget
• cried when i got home and was still feeling out of it/like numb but panicked at the same time
• super super scared for the cleaning tomorrow bc of the tools + possible pain and the taste of blood in my mouth since it will be a 1hr cleaning so i’m assuming it will be a deep clean and the flossing as well. i decided to floss tonight because i would rather spend an hour doing it VERYYY slowly on my own than have a stranger do it in 20 minutes when i haven’t flossed in years. flossing freaks me out. gums are so sensitive and teeth having all those nerves freak me out so bad ahhhhh
• i have 5 more visits scheduled (first one is tomorrow for a cleaning and then the rest will be for filling the cavities with resin) idk why i made it for tomorrow maybe bc i just wanna get this done i can’t deal with the anxiety while waiting i am not sleeping bc all i can think abt is the possible pain i will feel throughout this
• super scared for the cleaning and having sharp metal objects touching my gums + any scraping freaks me outtttt
• i’m genuinely surprised at the outcome of only 8 cavities. i was 1000% convinced i had at least 15, and that i was going to need oral surgery and multiple root canals + that i had bone loss.
• i think tomorrow i will try to explain to the hygienist about my specific fears with cleanings. i tend to not be able to speak at the dentists because of fear and once i feel pain i just space out completely but also feel panicked and sweaty wild 3 emotions to experience simultaneously and i end up not being able to voice anything or think rlly. idk what that’s about but i will try and talk to her before the cleaning if im not already shaking when i get there again. i hate how much i react even tho i try to tell myself im fine my body just doesnt understand and ik its bc of past experiences but i hate going into fight or flight just by thinking about someone flossing my teeth
• also i wanna say that nobody there judged me at all. i don’t think i realized until just now how much that helped. i definitely was not expecting it but it made everything a lot easier now that im thinking back

 

[flowerya]

@Enarete hi,
thank you, it was a pretty traumatic experience. i felt completely powerless and knowing that a dentist could physically harm me when they want and there is nothing i can do about it has done irreparable damage to my anxiety about dentists.

also you were right the dentist today restored my anxiety a little (for now…). it also made me realize that the dentist at the ward was definitely abnormal and that i’m not being dramatic for being afraid. you have also helped with that, thank u. and yes they have photos! i googled him after the appointment lol he seems nice.

and im gonna take your advice about the stop signal tomorrow for my cleaning. i don’t wanna push myself so hard and then repeat the cycle of never going back.

i also might ask him to agree not to touch anywhere other than my teeth. part of me is still afraid he’ll get mad like the other dentist but today was a good start.

i didn’t know that i could explain all of this to them without seeming like a burden or being laughed at like my childhood dentist did. i wasn’t able to advocate for myself today but i will try again tomorrow

 

[Enarete]

Hey @flowerya,

first of all so very well done for the visit! you have done the worst part. From now on everything will be a bit more familiar and as you learn what is difficult, you'll be able to figure out what can help too. In my experience, the more often you've been, the more confident you get, provided that the staff and the dentist are nice, which sounds like yours were. I understand that this was not easy though.

It is normal to need some time to recover. You may find yourself tired, maybe even sad or emotionally moved, maybe feeling a bit low. That would be all the result of the mental strain the visit put on you. Being very scared is hard work for the body.

• x rays were kind of painful, having to bite down in awkward positions and having plastic/metal press into the roof of my mouth/under my tongue and i realized that any sort of pain is a major trigger for me (shocker ik LOL) i immediately start to feel panicked and start sweating :/

This is a good realization. If you find yourself needing x-rays the next time, you may consider talking to the staff and share this experience. They often have holders in different sizes or may try to place things in a more comfortable manner.

• i wasn’t aware that checking gum recession would involve a metal tool and poking and that freaked me out and i had a quiet semi-panic attack and cried silently after she was done (i doubt the hygienist knew but she didn’t comment on it and she was facing the computer behind me while i was trying to get myself to stop lol) when the hygienists were checking my gum recession and letting the other know which ones were bleeding + the taste of blood in my mouth (really wasn’t much at all but enough for me to taste copper) was incredibly triggering like i started disassociating and crying/ breathing pretty fast and just stared at a wall for a good 5 minutes afterwards. it sucks that bc i neglected my teeth so much they’re gonna bleed whenever i do the things i have to in order to fix them. also the hygienist was super super nice and said sorry multiple times and tried to be gentle

Sorry to read this. Bleeding gums are very normal if you have not been for a while. It should stop when you had the cleaning. The tool they use has a little ball on the end and is not sharp. If you feel like it would be of help, feel free to ask them to show you the tool next time. Also, if blood triggers, sharing that with your staff may be helpful as well - they may be able to use suction as soon as something bleeds to make sure you don't taste it. They may also allow you to rinse or take a break if you freak out.

How amazing that you do not need so much work. Isn't it crazy how the anxiety makes you almost believe you need dentures while you only need a few fillings? You must have been very good with your eating habits and care during these years too.

• i have 5 more visits scheduled (first one is tomorrow for a cleaning and then the rest will be for filling the cavities with resin) idk why i made it for tomorrow maybe bc i just wanna get this done i can’t deal with the anxiety while waiting i am not sleeping bc all i can think abt is the possible pain i will feel throughout this

I am glad to read that they will be spreading the treatment into more visits. In this way you can take it one step at a time and the length of the appoinments will be manageable. I am always worried when I see US practices scheduling people for super long visits doing all at once.
Having the next apt tomorrow will also help you to stay in touch with the memory of them being nice and non judgmental. It may be a bit easier to come back today instead of waiting further weeks.
Would it be an idea to have discussion on what worries you regarding pain and allow the dentist to tell you how they can make sure you won't feel any?

• super scared for the cleaning and having sharp metal objects touching my gums + any scraping freaks me outtttt

For the scraping, please talk to your dentist/hygienist. There is an ultrasconic scraper that vibrates a lot and makes a lot of water. Usually that is used to clean the most things. For the rest that stayd here, they sometimes use hand tools which can feel odd. You may ask them to use it as less as possible or even be given a mirror to see that what they are doing is in reality much gentler than what it feels like.

• i think tomorrow i will try to explain to the hygienist about my specific fears with cleanings. i tend to not be able to speak at the dentists because of fear and once i feel pain i just space out completely but also feel panicked and sweaty wild 3 emotions to experience simultaneously and i end up not being able to voice anything or think rlly. idk what that’s about but i will try and talk to her before the cleaning if im not already shaking when i get there again. i hate how much i react even tho i try to tell myself im fine my body just doesnt understand and ik its bc of past experiences but i hate going into fight or flight just by thinking about someone flossing my teeth

This sounds like a great plan. You may want to make some notes before you go to read them. It helps if your thinking gets too foggy with anxiety.

• also i wanna say that nobody there judged me at all. i don’t think i realized until just now how much that helped. i definitely was not expecting it but it made everything a lot easier now that im thinking back

Yeah! Sounds like a good practice. Maybe a place you could stay for regular checks once this all thing is done?

Talking about the breaks sounds like a great idea. There are two ways of doing it: either the hygienist can stop herself after a couple of teeth and take the tools out for a second so that you can close for a moment. Another way would be the stop sign that you can do when you need a break. This is best done if you feel able and confident to actually use the sign (instead of overthinking and feeling like a bother and rather toughen it out).

i also might ask him to agree not to touch anywhere other than my teeth. part of me is still afraid he’ll get mad like the other dentist but today was a good start.

i didn’t know that i could explain all of this to them without seeming like a burden or being laughed at like my childhood dentist did. i wasn’t able to advocate for myself today but i will try again tomorrow

You are not a burden. You are a customer and the better they can accomodate you, the higher chance that you will stick with them. It is a gift for any provider to voice clearly what you need. It will be not a problem for them to do that and will altogether lead to the treatment being smoother and you being happier. It's a win win for everyone and nervous patients are the most loyal lovely grateful people

If they were judgmental people having a tendency to get annoyed by requests, you'd have noticed by now. The experience you describe does not sound like they would be able to get mad of laugh at you.

Good luck today and keep us posted

 

[Lioness]

Could he make sure to only touch your mouth with his hands and to limit any further physical contact? (Which a "normal" dentist would do anyway, but agreeing on that explcitly may give you some reassurance)

Hi @Enarete. Do you really think it's OK to ask a dentist to not touch me anywhere except my mouth? My previous dentist was in the habit of patting my arm. And, in my feeling, his hand was very heavy! I didn't like it so much! It was supposed to be reassuring, I guess... But it was very uncomfortable to me.
Yet, I didn't find my courage to tell him to stop...

Good luck with your next appointment(s), @flowerya. You were so brave already!

 

[Enarete]

Hi @Enarete. Do you really think it's OK to ask a dentist to not touch me anywhere except my mouth? My previous dentist was in the habit of patting my arm. And, in my feeling, his hand was very heavy! I didn't like it so much! It was supposed to be reassuring, I guess... But it was very uncomfortable to me.
Yet, I didn't find my courage to tell him to stop...

Good luck with your next appointment(s), @flowerya. You were so brave already!

Yes, it is absolutely okay! Dentists are generally trained to only touch the face (the mouth actually, but they may have contact with the cheek, come across the nose or other parts of the face as they do the work) and they are aware that they already occupy a lot of your personal space. There are some people who find a hand on the shoulder reassuring, but many don't and they do not even have to be phobic to dislike that.

Telling your dentist that you would like not to be touched on your arms shoulders or anywhere besides what is absolutely necessary for the treatment is normal and helpful for both of you.