Severe depression - don't want to be here

S

Stupiddentalfear

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2015
Messages
143
Hello to anyone who is reading,

I just need to vent because I'm not coping again. I'm sure this tooth will be the death of me. I can't cope with the devastation that at some point I will lose my tooth to extraction.

I've done this to myself. The result of ignoring tooth sensitivity, avoiding the dentist due to extreme fear and then the worst part - not seeking dental attention at the onset of toothache which led to abscess whilst pregnant (and then furthermore not seeking help until after baby was born.)

I still have my tooth but it is merely a root canalled shell. But someday the dentist will say it has to go....My life long fear - losing a tooth!! Not the actual procedure; but the empty socket. The feeling of being maimed, of being a lesser person, of being down-right ugly.

To add to this, is the anger. I've always been on top form with my dental hygiene - obsessive even. I don't smoke (never), rarely drink (never been a big drinker), never done drugs, always been cautious about my diet, always chew gum between meals etc. Neither did I give in to pregnancy cravings until my last month before giving birth. (Otherwise, I have four fillings from childhood and nothing else.)

I hate my life, have started regretting my daughter (particularly as she is so naughty - probably because she doesn't understand my mood swings) and really don't know how to live with this anymore. I can't see a future riddled with guilt and hate because of this f***ing tooth!!

Sorry for my rant and thanks to anyone who 'listened'.
 
H

hatemyself

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2017
Messages
80
Hello to anyone who is reading,

I just need to vent because I'm not coping again. I'm sure this tooth will be the death of me. I can't cope with the devastation that at some point I will lose my tooth to extraction.

I've done this to myself. The result of ignoring tooth sensitivity, avoiding the dentist due to extreme fear and then the worst part - not seeking dental attention at the onset of toothache which led to abscess whilst pregnant (and then furthermore not seeking help until after baby was born.)

I still have my tooth but it is merely a root canalled shell. But someday the dentist will say it has to go....My life long fear - losing a tooth!! Not the actual procedure; but the empty socket. The feeling of being maimed, of being a lesser person, of being down-right ugly.

To add to this, is the anger. I've always been on top form with my dental hygiene - obsessive even. I don't smoke (never), rarely drink (never been a big drinker), never done drugs, always been cautious about my diet, always chew gum between meals etc. Neither did I give in to pregnancy cravings until my last month before giving birth. (Otherwise, I have four fillings from childhood and nothing else.)

I hate my life, have started regretting my daughter (particularly as she is so naughty - probably because she doesn't understand my mood swings) and really don't know how to live with this anymore. I can't see a future riddled with guilt and hate because of this f***ing tooth!!

Sorry for my rant and thanks to anyone who 'listened'.

Hey! I 'listened' to what you had to say. I am here for you. I am going through the exact same thing as you. Please don't lose hope - everyone on this forum is so freakin' lovely and we all care about you.

I have depression also (for 3 years, been on meds for half a year). My first question is this - are you doing anything about your depression? Have you visited your doc? Are you on meds? Are you in counselling? Yes the dental phobia is horrible - but all of the above things can help with it. Please don't feel ashamed or weak for doing this. You are strong for taking action, you are strong for posting on here, you are strong for being so honest and open with yourself and with us. So well done to you! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Secondly, you didn't specify - where is the offending tooth? Is it like an incisor? Tooth extraction is always traumatic and horrible to think about because they're literally removing something from your body - something you and others can see. I understand this. Your fear and despair is justified. But things can look differently.

Have you talked to your dentist/ thought about implants? Then you'd have a fake tooth so you wouldn't look ugly at all! (Not that you would anyway!) Please try not to think ahead - I would start slowly, do research first. Take it a baby step at a time. Do nothing you don't feel like you can handle.

I'm sorry the relationship between you and your daughter is suffering because of the tooth. Fucking tooth!! I hate dentistry sometimes because it has the ability to affect relationships like this. If I ever see your tooth in person I will give it a good slap (ok I know that doesn't make any sense at all, I'm just feeling your frustration!!)

I feel like the problems you're having with your daughter are borne from your mental difficulties - so address this first. After you begin to feel better you and your daughter will be happier. Remember the time before you began regretting your pregnancy - when you were excited to meet her and care for her. This won't be forever, you know - things aren't ever forever. Soon things will be better and better, and you will be a loving caring family again.

One final question - I apologise if this makes you uncomfortable but this needs to be said - are you having thoughts about killing yourself or hurting yourself? Please PLEASE don't ignore these thoughts - they are a definite sign something is wrong. I phone samaritans (116 123) when I am in that state and they are AMAZING.

There is hope. Life is about change. Go slow, but move forward. We believe in you!

:bear::bear::bear:
 
C

CanadianBonnie

Junior member
Joined
Jan 19, 2018
Messages
1
Hi, I just want you to know that i’ve read your story. You are so immensely articulate and you have a really big heart. I understand what you’re going through, as I am a lifelong sufferer of depression and anxiety, and I just want to give you courage to go on. We all sometimes feel down on ourselves, you are not alone in this. Your daughter needs you and one day she will be your best friend. I am reaching out to let you know I care. Hey listen, you had a root canal done, that makes you a very strong and brave person in my book!
 
S

Stupiddentalfear

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2015
Messages
143
Thank you both. Your replies mean a lot. I hate confessing this story - 'my story' - I still can't believe it's happened.

The tooth in question is a second upper premolar. No 5 UK or 13!!!! U.S. (I believe! It had to be 13 didn't it!?!!) I tend to naturally smile wide whereby you can see my molars so this tooth really does matter.

You see there is more to my story too. I'm medical phobic and I have had depression prior to this. (But not the suicidal ideation.) I love my daughter so much. She completed my life. A couple of years prior to the tooth abscess I decided to put my fears behind me and get my life in order. I wanted a child so badly. I couldn't get pregnant. I had also a terrible fear of getting pregnant and giving birth. I was so afraid, suffered with terrible anxiety (& pain) but won my first round of IVF. I felt so brave at this point and almost booked a dental appointment. But again gave in because I felt I had been through enough stress and would make an appointment soon. I was adamant I would make appointment again throughout pregnancy. I knew I needed exemption cert and every time I went to see midwife she side-tracked my thoughts. Once toothache started I confessed my fears to my Team Leader in work (a big step for me - talking about it.) She told me to go to emergency dentist. I was all set in my mind, after her reassurance, to go. I spoke to my mum. I wanted more reassurance. She told me not to go 'there' because they would pull my tooth. I know she meant well at the time. She didn't want me getting hysterical as I was pregnant. But that last decision cost me my tooth. The hole in my tooth, in the end, was big but could have been repaired. Apart from the fact that, the infection had softened all the interior!

This on going saga has ruined me. I was elated after giving birth. I was on a high and so in love with my daughter. I was on the road to a good career - I was doing a Masters in Counselling (so I'm all too familiar with mental health.) I had a nice home, a loving husband, a dry sense of humour and loved to laugh and smile.

And now there is me. This shadow of my former self. I never smile, I'm forever tearful, angry and I hate myself and the world.

Sorry for my never ending story. (It really helps though.)
 
H

hatemyself

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2017
Messages
80
Thank you both. Your replies mean a lot. I hate confessing this story - 'my story' - I still can't believe it's happened.

The tooth in question is a second upper premolar. No 5 UK or 13!!!! U.S. (I believe! It had to be 13 didn't it!?!!) I tend to naturally smile wide whereby you can see my molars so this tooth really does matter.

You see there is more to my story too. I'm medical phobic and I have had depression prior to this. (But not the suicidal ideation.) I love my daughter so much. She completed my life. A couple of years prior to the tooth abscess I decided to put my fears behind me and get my life in order. I wanted a child so badly. I couldn't get pregnant. I had also a terrible fear of getting pregnant and giving birth. I was so afraid, suffered with terrible anxiety (& pain) but won my first round of IVF. I felt so brave at this point and almost booked a dental appointment. But again gave in because I felt I had been through enough stress and would make an appointment soon. I was adamant I would make appointment again throughout pregnancy. I knew I needed exemption cert and every time I went to see midwife she side-tracked my thoughts. Once toothache started I confessed my fears to my Team Leader in work (a big step for me - talking about it.) She told me to go to emergency dentist. I was all set in my mind, after her reassurance, to go. I spoke to my mum. I wanted more reassurance. She told me not to go 'there' because they would pull my tooth. I know she meant well at the time. She didn't want me getting hysterical as I was pregnant. But that last decision cost me my tooth. The hole in my tooth, in the end, was big but could have been repaired. Apart from the fact that, the infection had softened all the interior!

This on going saga has ruined me. I was elated after giving birth. I was on a high and so in love with my daughter. I was on the road to a good career - I was doing a Masters in Counselling (so I'm all too familiar with mental health.) I had a nice home, a loving husband, a dry sense of humour and loved to laugh and smile.

And now there is me. This shadow of my former self. I never smile, I'm forever tearful, angry and I hate myself and the world.

Sorry for my never ending story. (It really helps though.)

It sounds like an awful lot has happened to you and I'm so sorry. I suppose in a way it is a 'neverending story' - because our lives go on - but the most important thing to remember is that NOTHING stays the same. Let's see here - you are struggling with dental phobia and this blasted tooth at the moment - which I'm sorry for - but at the same time look at what you've achieved in your life!! A great career, a great home, and a lovely daughter.

It's important to remember that this won't be forever. Maybe this is a dip before another period of elation.

Make choices. Your dental health is obviously very important to you. Make that your priority IF YOU CAN AND WANT TO - if you are not ready then address that first. You're a counsellor you say? In that case you must know how important it is to seek help for your emotions.

It seems you're at a turning point here. You are doing so so well, and it seems to me that you think this dental phobia is like a shadow looming over the success you've had in your life. But this is so not true!! Look at all you've achieved. And look at what you're doing now! So brave. A good life isn't about it being great all the time. It's about how you respond and react. Make choices. Discuss with someone in person how you are to deal with this.

If you want to go ahead and seek treatment, pull out all the stops for yourself so as to make it easy. Ask someone to babysit your daughter. Get a day off work.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's awful. I know. But you will come out of this stronger. Keep hopeful. One step at a time.

It isn't a shadow over your life - it's just something you're figuring out. Please don't let it run your life. You run your life. Not some stupid-ass chunk of bone in your mouth, man, fuck that.

:bear:
 
S

Stupiddentalfear

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2015
Messages
143
Appreciate your input again.

Just wanted to explain that no I don't have the career in Counselling. I'm qualified to pursue it (got to post-graduate level in the end as felt I couldn't do dissertation with a two year old) but I've no longer the desire. It's a career that never got started and didn't even stand a chance. I don't have the confidence anymore. Plus it wouldn't be ethical. I'm too consumed and overrun with my own depression. So it's back to boring office work for me on crap money again!!

I came so near to combatting my fear and that's what I can't let go of. Plus I can't let go of this shadow of a former tooth. I never get another natural one. The loss feels too great. Plus I'm hanging onto to my own pipe dream that there may be some new scientific breakthrough in a few years that'll restore it to it's former glory - who am I kidding!? (I'm obsessed with reading dental research articles too.)

I'm feeling worse because I have an appointment on Monday - 6 monthly check up. My anxiety is through the roof. I've been physically sick this week because of it. I f*ck**g hate the dentist and teeth!!
 
Top