Telling Boyfriend?

[CollegeBound]

Hello All!

I am sorry that I haven't been very active lately, but it is almost the end of the semester, and I have done 2 research papers in the past 8 days. I am almost drained. Lol.

As some may or may not know, I have been in a relationship for a little over a month now with an amazing young man. He truly treats me like a princess, and I couldn't ask for more. As I have also mentioned in a previous post, we have a question game we like to play. The rules are simple; one asks a question, both respond. No question is limited, and you have to tell the truth. The only way a person can pass on a question is if it is offensive or too personal. He has asked me before what my biggest fear is. Since I am posting on our lovely forum, most of you can guess what it is. I told hims spiders. I lied. Kind of. I am afraid of spiders, but he said "biggest" fear. Since, he has made "funny" references about spiders towards me. I was not offended, because it doesn't bother me too badly, because lots of people are openly afraid of spiders.

Today, he mentioned that he needed to see the dentist soon for a cleaning and exam. All that I could say was "Oh." and quickly change the subject. Then, I received an email on my phone, so I checked it with him sitting next to me. It was a message from this forum. Normally, I wouldn't care. This time, I freaked out because I was scared that he would see it. I'm not sure if he did, but I am doubting it because he never mentioned it.

My question is.... Do I tell him the truth about my "biggest" fear? The things that are tripping me up are the fact that he has made jokes about my fear of spiders, and the fact that he likes to talk about all of his feelings, and expects me to also. He relives every date, every moment practically, every time he can. He doesn't understand the concept of "not wanting to talk about" something. If I tell him, he will want to talk about it in grave detail. I know he will just mean good, but I don't know if I am ready for that conversation just yet.

Suggestions?

Thanks guys. PM me if you need me.
With Love, CB

 

[ScaredyCat22]

Hello All!

I am sorry that I haven't been very active lately, but it is almost the end of the semester, and I have done 2 research papers in the past 8 days. I am almost drained. Lol.

As some may or may not know, I have been in a relationship for a little over a month now with an amazing young man. He truly treats me like a princess, and I couldn't ask for more. As I have also mentioned in a previous post, we have a question game we like to play. The rules are simple; one asks a question, both respond. No question is limited, and you have to tell the truth. The only way a person can pass on a question is if it is offensive or too personal. He has asked me before what my biggest fear is. Since I am posting on our lovely forum, most of you can guess what it is. I told hims spiders. I lied. Kind of. I am afraid of spiders, but he said "biggest" fear. Since, he has made "funny" references about spiders towards me. I was not offended, because it doesn't bother me too badly, because lots of people are openly afraid of spiders.

Today, he mentioned that he needed to see the dentist soon for a cleaning and exam. All that I could say was "Oh." and quickly change the subject. Then, I received an email on my phone, so I checked it with him sitting next to me. It was a message from this forum. Normally, I wouldn't care. This time, I freaked out because I was scared that he would see it. I'm not sure if he did, but I am doubting it because he never mentioned it.

My question is.... Do I tell him the truth about my "biggest" fear? The things that are tripping me up are the fact that he has made jokes about my fear of spiders, and the fact that he likes to talk about all of his feelings, and expects me to also. He relives every date, every moment practically, every time he can. He doesn't understand the concept of "not wanting to talk about" something. If I tell him, he will want to talk about it in grave detail. I know he will just mean good, but I don't know if I am ready for that conversation just yet.

Suggestions?

Thanks guys. PM me if you need me.
With Love, CB

Hi CB! good to see you
My opinion may not be popular, but here it is. I am all for telling the truth, however this relationship is very new. You have only been together for a little over a month, you are not comfortable talking about this phobia or dental related matters, and you really do not have to share it with him just yet. You are young and might have many boyfriends before you make a commitment to "the one" and this is something too personal that you would not want to share over and over. I would hold off for now. If this goes from a boyfriend situation to a fiancée situation some day in the future then yes I would tell him. But not at this time

 

[FearfulInMA]

I'm in agreement with Scaredy. No need to rush into anything... Whether it's about talking about your fear of the dentist or anything else. This may be a good way for you, even if just in your own mind, to slow things down. If he truly is 'the one', he'll go as slowly as you need him to go in terms of talking about your fears or anything else.

 

[CollegeBound]

Thank you both! He has been good so far with keeping things at a slow pace, physically and otherwise. He tries to stay within his boundaries, but he needs reminded sometimes. I just dread the day when and if we do have to have that conversation. It's hard enough to talk about on here some days, let alone talk in person. Lol.

Have you guys told your significant other about your fears?

 

[ScaredyCat22]

My husband knows that I am a very nervous and anxious patient but I don't think he can truly understand or relate to the depth of my fear because it doesn't bother him to go to the dentist at all. We don't talk about it much. But he knows it's hard for me to make myself go and it's not unusual to come home with flowers or some little gift for me the day after I have an appointment because he knows that I am still stressed over it and that it takes me a few days to have to "get over it" after I have been in "the chair" and he tries to make me feel better.

 

[CollegeBound]

That's a great husband! It's good that he tries to help, even if he doesn't understand.

 

[CollegeBound]

How did you approach the conversation when you initially talked about it Scaredy?

 

[FearfulInMA]

Yay for hubby-cat . I don't have an SO. That said, I'm actually usually very open about my phobia. I find taking about it to be desensitizing in and of itself. Most of my friends and a number of colleagues know that I get very anxious about appts. And, though some of them really don't get it, I'm ok with that. I'm also someone who pokes fun at myself a fair amount so I don't even mind when people joke about it with me (even when the dentist jokes about it)... I find it's better to laugh about it than to cry about it . I think for me I have developed a narrative (CB - look up narrative therapy) to talk about it where I'm detached enough from it that there's not much emotion attached to talking about it. Like, I said, this, for me, has had a really good desensitizing effect. Everyone is different though

 

[FearfulInMA]

And, just to answer the question you just asked Scaredy... I usually make a joke. Something like, 'I have horrible teeth which is especially not so great when you're as terrified to go to the dentist as I am...'

 

[CollegeBound]

Thanks Fearful! I like to joke around about myself also, but haven't found out how to joke around about this yet. I will check out the Narrative therapy you mentioned.

Thank you too Scaredy! You guys are awesome!

I have never had to deal with a man that is so open about his emtions, so this is a new and scary thing for me. Lol. I want to learn boundaries of myself and how far I am willing to go emotionally.

 

[ScaredyCat22]

I didn't so much decide to have a conversation about it, it was more forced on me. I had not been to a dentist in about 15 years. My husband and I had been invited out by a friend of ours who was in a band. He was playing at this not so nice bar that was having a Halloween party. We went and I brought my camera to take a few pics. A few times I got up and snapped pics of our friend and the band. When I did I noticed this really drunk woman giving me dirty looks every time I got up but I paid her no mind. When I was walking back to my table where my husband was sitting she came up to me, drink in hand, took a big manly swig til she drained her drink of everything but the ice cubes, and hit me square in the mouth with her glass of ice. She was under the impression that I had walked by her table not to take a couple pics of the band, but to get a better look at her skanky boyfriend at her table and according to her I had been "hitting on him all night" She chipped 2 of my teeth with the glass. small chips but one tooth was quite sharp and jagged and of course I was afraid to go to the dentist. I lived with it that way for more than a month. It wasn't really me who brought up the dental phobia it was my husband who didn't understand why I wouldn't 'just make an appointment and get it over with" So that was when I had to try to explain how just the thought of calling a dentist to even make an appointment made me literally nauseous and want to cry.

 

[CollegeBound]

Awwwwwwww. That is terrible! Did he respond well?

 

[ScaredyCat22]

Awwwwwwww. That is terrible! Did he respond well?

He didn't make fun of me over it or anything like that, but he did get irritated with me at first that I just wasn't ready to even pick up the phone yet. He tries to be supportive but to this day he really doesn't understand how it can be such a big ordeal to me.

 

[CollegeBound]

At least he never made fun of you. Does he have a strong fear of something? Maybe you could put it into perspective for him. I did that when I first told my bffs about my fears. I knew she was afraid of clowns, so I related her feelings to mine. She now understands and is able to talk me down when need be. Lol.
My boyfriend still jokes around about spiders, which I guess it was good not to tell him the truth yet. It was a test to see how he would react.

 

[FearfulInMA]

I do think sometimes that joking about it is the best 'medicine'. My guess is that if you told him that joking about the spiders is upsetting to you, he would stop

 

[CollegeBound]

The joking around about spiders thing doesn't bother me, it's just that it makes me wonder how he will accept my other weaknesses too. That was the whole reason that I told him about my fear of spiders, because it isn't a big deal, and I knew that I could handle him joking about it. Lol.

Like I said earlier, I normally laugh and make fun of myself a lot. I am not a super-sized at I've person. I have think skin for joking around. I just want to be sure that he knows when to make fun and when not to. I guess maybe after I initially tell him, we can joke about it in private. That wouldn't be too bad.

 

[CollegeBound]

Apparently, my phone is stupid. I was trying to say that I am not an overly sensitive person. I have thick skin, and can joke about myself a lot and I expect people to join me in laughing.

I talked to him today about some of my other "weaknesses", such as my physical oddities that are a result of birth defects. He took it well, and kept telling me that I was beautiful and he loves me no matter what. This was a huge step, but I still don't think that it is time to talk about my fear yet.

Thank you guys for keeping me with some boundaries.

 

[Cactus]

Not an SO, but I have had to talk to friends about this fear. I once had an incident in which some friends were discussing invasive treatment graphically. I asked them to stop, repeatedly, and they laughed it off. It wasn't so funny when I had a panic attack and almost passed out.
Since then, I've found that it can be helpful to set clear boundaries. I've been fairly open when people have started discussing things in too much detail - if I cannot walk away, because I am in the office or another reason, I will explain that I have a strong phobia, and ask them to please, please stop. If they joke, I tell them I have had serious panic attacks. I don't enjoy admitting it, but it beats actually having one.
Weirdly enough, my ability to cope has increased as I've been more open about the fear.

 

[CollegeBound]

Thank you Cactus!
So... yesterday my boyfriend and I were laughing about something, and he said "College Bound, you have something on your teeth" Thinking it was a piece of fish from dinner, I ran into the bathroom to get it out. Nothing was there. I stood there a second, and opened my mouth, and realized that he was talking about my fillings. It made me nervous and panicked.
I walk back out of the bathroom, and my mother sent us to do a chore because we were helping with literary journal reading event at my school and he asked why I has silver on my teeth. I just said they were fillings and intended to move on to other conversation. He then asked me where I got them. I said what dentist I went to, and he went on talking about where he goes and that he has an appointment next week. I just said "oh. Okay" and moved onto other subjects with haste.
How do I avoid this conversation next week after his appointment? It is coming closer now, and hiding this secret is harder and harder.
PLEASE HELP!

 

[CollegeBound]

Well, it's been 2 weeks since his appointment. He talked about it some afterwards, but I kind of shrugged it off. He did say a few thing that caught my attention. He said that the first time he went to the dentist, he had 6 cavities, and was really embarrassed by it. Made me cringe. I just said "Oh" and went on with my business.
The second thing was surprising. I was leading in to telling him about my situation, and asked him a hypothetical question of "If I were to have something that I am embarrassed about, and it is really bothering me, but I was worried you would make fun of me or think I am silly or childish, what would you say to me?"
He said "Our relationship doesn't have shame. I would just listen and talk it out with you the best I can."
Although it was a perfect answer, I chickened out and said one of my friends needed to tell her boyfriend something similar. I just couldn't do it. I have been really close lots if times, but can't find the courage to talk.
So, we are in the same place as we were 2 weeks ago.