telling family

[truly_terrified]

Hi, I'm new to this board, but I just had a question about how people have managed to tell their family and/or partner of their dental phobia. I feel like it's a great big secret that I keep to myself but I wonder if I should tell them so that they will be able to support me.

I have a dental appointment next week, which I am really worried about and haven't told anyone about.

What do I do?! I think they will think I am being completely stupid as I believe I am intelligent person and shouldn't be acting so irrationally.

 

[Nat]

Hi, I totally know how you feel as I have only just told my husband the extent of my fears, I still wont show him my teeth (silly im sure) as although I have managed to pluck up the courage to tell him I am still very embarrased about the state I have let my teeth get into. He thought I was just scared of the dentist, that couldnt have been further than the truth! I have just got back from a chat with a new dentist who I hope can help me and the meeting went very smoothly, although I couldnt speak through the tears! He was very patient and calming and expained everything he will do to help me overcome my phobia. I think the best way is to just find a quiet time with your family and tell them, they will understand im sure, if that fails then perhaps write a letter? This may seem silly at the time but I find I can explain more when I am writing it down rather than speaking about it, hope this helps you?

 

[truly_terrified]

Hey thanks,    It's nice to hear from someone else who understands what I feel.  Sometimes it feels like I'm the only person that feels this way.  But reading some of the other posts it seems that I am not, indeed it seems there are some that I have more fear than I do.

I am hoping one day to be able to pluck up the courage to tell my partner, as I think he will be more understanding than family at the moment.  We also have a 11 week old son and I don't wish to pass my fears onto him.

I wish I could find a sympathetic dentist who understood how frightened I am. (if anyone knows of any in the Brighton area then please let us know!!)  I have emailed the dentist I am supposed to be attending next week to tell him that I am nervous, but I haven't had a reply.  I'm afraid if he doesn't reply soon and reassure me I may be chickening out from going.

 

[happydancyfeet]

Hi truly and

You will find that everyone on here will understand how you are feeling, as i'm sure we've all been there.. i know i have. I didnt have the choice of hiding my fears from my new partner, as i had an infection which started off panic attacks, so he could see how petrified I was. Another thing that helped me to really explain my fears, was to let him read the messages on here. Maybe that would be an option for you?

As for e-mailing the dentist and not having a reply yet........... could you maybe phone them just to check their e-mail address and explain that you havent had a reply to your e-mail, (and why you sent it in the first place?) They may still be catching up from xmas /new year.

 

[Nat]

Your cetainly not alone in your fears! I think that sometimes but then come to this board and get so many reassuring replies that it makes me feel better, I to am worried about passing my fears onto my 8yr old and although she is very nervous about the dentist she does sit in his chair and let him look, which is more than what i can do!

As for finding a sympathetic dentist I am sure someone here can help you, I had a very bad visit recently and although it made me feel like i had taken one step forward and 12 back I havent given up home... yet anyway! I think I may have found the one today! He was so patient and caring and he also offers sedation which makes me feel at ease a whole lot! Please dot chicken out of going as you may find that this dentist can help you more than you know. I am the last person who can give advice though as i am petrified of the dentist but feel like i may have the courage to overcome the fears with the dentist i met today, there is hope trust me!

 

[letsconnect]

I wish I could find a sympathetic dentist who understood how frightened I am. (if anyone knows of any in the Brighton area then please let us know!!)

Is that Brighton as in Brighton & Hove, UK?

 

[truly_terrified]

Yes it is, Brighton, East Sussex, UK.

 

[truly_terrified]

Do you have any suggestions of any decent NHS dentists in this area?

 

[Julie]

Dear Truly,

yes you are entitled to free treatment on the NHS.
Carry on your search for an NHS dentist as there are many out there who are worth their weight in gold. A kind and gentle dentist is down to his/her own nature, regardless of where they practice.
Let me know how you get on

Julie
xx

 

[Nat]

a kind and gentle dentist is down to his/her own nature, regardless of where they practice.
Let me know how you get on

Julie
xx

I can vouch for that statement, the dentist I saw today treats both private and NHS and he was soo understanding about my fears! he has agreed to take me on as NHS which was a very kind gesture as I know there NHS books are full right now but he wanted to help me and understands that private treatment really isnt an option for me. Like Julie said they are who they are and if they are kind caring and compassionate then thats a bonus, especially for us phobics!

 

[truly_terrified]

Thanks for your support. It feels such a relief just to tell some other people. I have never told anyone about this before!

 

[lotus]

Hi t_t!

It took me a long while to tell my partner about my fear of the dentist, as I'd never told anyone it was a huge event to tell him! It's funny now though, I can't actually remember how I told him in the first place, I remember many tears, and little bits of information I gave him over a period of time, but now that's it's all out in the open, I can talk freely to him about it, it's such a relief, like a giant heavy weight off my shoulders. I've got someone to back me up you know, like if I'm having a bad day with something worrying me, I've got someone to back me up you know?

The thing I really wanted to tell you though, was not to be so ashamed of telling someone you trust. When I told my partner, he told me that his brother also has a dental phobia after a very bad experience as a child, but his brother has told no one but my partner either! So, our fears are probably more common than we think! Don't feel alone!

Hope you find a good dentist you can see soon!

Lotus

 

[vicki]

Hi

Like you, I haven't told anyone about the dental phobia yet either - and it's something that's affected me most of my life. I was a 'lurker' for about 3 months before posting on the board because I was so convinced that it was just me who was being completely irrational - and because I was scared that maybe I was in some way nuts, I kept quiet (and still have so far - the only people who know are those who read this board). But the thing is, as I'm sure you've seen by reading the posts on here - there are plenty of people out there who are just as scared as you are - and for all sorts of reasons.

Once you realise that there are other people who have the same fear, it somehow makes it more 'real' - a real problem which does have a real solution (the trick lies in finding the right solution for you). For all we know, the people around us could be going through exactly the same thing - and not telling anyone either because they're scared too.

It is a recognised 'problem' - not sure about the exact figures but I think it's something like about 3% of the population that have dental phobia. Reading this has helped me quite a lot actually, because somehow it makes it a more acceptable thing to have.

Your partner will probably be more understanding than you think . You could perhaps start by saying something like "You know my dentists' appointment next week.... Well, I'm really scared about it..." (or something similar). If you find you're stuck for words - you could print out a few pages from the info section of this site maybe? Have you had any luck in getting a reply from the dentist you emailed?

 

[truly_terrified]

No sadly I haven't had a reply from the dentist I emailed, which is making things more difficult in my mind.

If I am honest I feel a bit of a fool emailing him in the first place, cos I reckon if I manage to make the appointment.  I think I will be brushing the email aside and pretending everything is ok, whilst inside I will really be feeling scared out of my mind  

Thanks for the info that 3% of the population has the same fear as I do.  That is kind of reassuring that I am certainly not alone.  Perhaps I am not the nut case that I sometimes feel inside for the feeling the way I do.  Maybe even my partner is scared too, the reason I say that is because once I went to a dental appointment with him last year and he said that he was scared.  Trouble was I was even scared to be in the waiting room that I just smiled and pretended everything was ok.  It's as though in my mind, if I say anything he will ask me questions about how I am feeling and I can't handle even talking about anything dentally related at the moment.   Is that crazy!?

The other thing is I have no idea where my dental fears have come from.  I don't have tons of dental problems at the moment, but it's almost got to the point of obsession about learning about oral health and being fastidious about maintaining my own, so I don't have to go through any treatment. I could almost start a chemist on the amount of dental products I have bought  

 

[vicki]

No sadly I haven't had a reply from the dentist I emailed, which is making things more difficult in my mind.

It could be that they didn't get the email - sometimes people can have firewalls installed which can often stop some emails getting through. I've lost count of the number of times someone has emailed me and I've not replied simply because I haven't received anything! Maybe try sending it again, or if you're feeling brave enough - you could phone up and ask if they got your email?

If I am honest I feel a bit of a fool emailing him in the first place, cos I reckon if I manage to make the appointment.  I think I will be brushing the email aside and pretending everything is ok, whilst inside I will really be feeling scared out of my mind  

You've probably read my post 'The Letter', where I've actually managed to put the situation down in writing. Part of my plan is to hand this letter over before my next appointment (or failing that, during it) so that they know the full extent of my fear. I also (along with being completely terrified ) feel a bit of a fool to be handing it over because I've had 3 appointments with the current dentist and so far I've managed to put on a pretty good act to cover up my nerves. I'm sure he'll wonder what the hell is going on when he reads it.

But unless you let them know that you're terrified, nothing will change. If you're good at pretending that everything is OK when it's not, then the chances are that they will see exactly what you want them to see - i.e. that everything is OK and that you're not scared, when in reality you're probably extremely anxious and would rather be anywhere in the world but sat in "the chair".

It's as though in my mind, if I say anything he will ask me questions about how I am feeling and I can't handle even talking about anything dentally related at the moment.   Is that crazy!?

No it's not crazy . This *thing* affects people in all sorts of different ways. Talking about anything dental related just reminds you how scared you are of it and that then in turn can produce all the emotions that go with it. A few months ago, I could never have posted on a site like this about dental phobia because it's a constant problem which I don't really want reminding of. But thanks to this board, I've managed to work through my fears and pin down exactly what scares me and what things I can try to make it a bit better. Although I'm still completely and utterly terrified of *the dentist*, I've now got a battle plan to try and sort out something that has haunted me for well over 20 years.

Because I've made the decision to try and sort it out, I do find it a bit easier to talk about dental related stuff now - so you might find that things may get a bit easier for you as well.

The other thing is I have no idea where my dental fears have come from.

Not everyone does - for some people, it's not always clear cut, whilst for others it is. What matters, is what your fears *are* and what can be done to sort them out - you may or may not be able to recognise where they originated once you know what they are (if that makes any sense?).

I could almost start a chemist on the amount of dental products I have bought  

Nothing wrong with a 'thorough' oral health regime ! Everytime I go to the dentist, he always makes some comment about my teeth being spotlessly clean - too right they are - I don't want him thinking they're dirty and deciding to clean them!

 

[truly_terrified]

Hi vicki,

Thanks for your post.  I just wanted to say well done for confronting your fears, a very brave thing to do. I really hope everything works out well for you    I know it is not easy.  It seems like the first step is recognising that there is a problem in the first place.  I have almost been too embarrassed to admit this to myself let alone anyone else.

I have to say it does feel a huge relief to tell someone who understands.  I feel people that don't have a dental phobia don't have a clue that sometimes it's all that I think about.  I can spend weeks worrying about an up and coming dental appointment. This has been going on since I was child.  I'd almost hope something would happen to me before the appointment so that I wouldn't have to go.  I think that my fears became even greater because I didn't tell anyone.  So it just made me build up such an awful picture in my mind of what is was going to be like during the appointment. I would be having nightmares about things that could but rarely did happen.

You're right that talking does help.  Perhaps because I feel it is out in the open and written down.  I can see what I am scared of and this gives me a way of dealing with the issues that I have.

I have emailed the dentist again and told him that I didn't receive a reply.  So I will wait and see what happens.  The reason I picked him was because it said on his website that they deal with phobic patients, although I don't know if they just say that to get more customers!    It would just be helpful to know that the dentist knows my fears because I would feel more confident about attending and hope that he would treat me more gently.  For every other dental appointment I have attended I have just put on a brave face, which has not helped me to overcome my fears.  Also, if there is a big gap between appointments I find my fears build up even more.  I'm especially fearful now because I don't know this dentist and he doesn't know me, plus I don't know how much time he will have to help me.  I know that dentists are under alot of pressure to patients quickly because they have so many. I think that I may have to go private just to get the time and reassurance I need.

 

[Nat]

I think that I may have to go private just to get the time and reassurance I need.

Please dont think that as I have recently thought the same, my 1st visit yesterday with a private dentist did go extremely well as he sat me down in an office and spoke to me about what was happening with me, the reason I say dont give up looking for an NHS dentist is although the dentist I saw yesterday is mainly a private dentist he does take on NHS patients if he has the space for them, he has agreed to take me on as an NHS patient which was very kind of him as I know that his books are full. There are some good ones out there, I thought I was a lost case until I saw this man yesterday and I will never forget the kind and understanding way in which he treated me

 

[truly_terrified]

Hi,

I just a reply back from the practice manager of the dentist that I emailed yesterday.  They apologised for not sending sooner, but the practice manager had been holiday.  Anyway, she said that the dentist is very approachable and understanding man and is willing to discuss my fears with him when I see him next week.

Things are looking up, at least I feel reasurred that he is aware and I'm not going to have to put on a brave face like a usually do.

Anyone got any advise as to how you tell the dentist your fears, because I haven't told people before, I don't know where to begin explaining to him.

 

[vicki]

That's fantastic news! With a bit of luck, the practice manager might have told the dentist you're nervous - if so, that's half the battle won .

Anyone got any advise as to how you tell the dentist your fears, because I haven't told people before, I don't know where to begin explaining to him.

You could start off by saying something like "I don't know if [name of practice manager] has told you, but I'm really nervous of..." Or something similar. If you think you'll be lost for words, you could make a list of everything that scares you and hand it to him - that way you've told him about your fears and you can take things from there.

 

[Julie]

Hello Truly,
Thats wonderful news  
I think a good way of telling him could be to write or type out a letter at a time when its quiet and you can think clearly in your own suroundings. Write down your thoughts, what makes you fearful. Give him as much history as you can on paper so you do not have to verbally re-live past visits. Make a note of what treatments you have had done so he has a rough guide to go on. I am presuming here but some people do not like the dental language for things like 'extract' Maybe the more gentle word of 'remove' or 'take away' instead. You could also write what you are comfortable with, however much it doesnt matter, so it comes accross as not all negative. I know that one side will outweigh the other but I have heard that when people read a letter, if it finishes on a compliment or more up-beat note, it is the positive that stays with them (always a good point to remember for complaint letters - let rip then thank them profusly for their patience and time in reading your letter hehe) Take it with you and either give it to him to read before you start chatting or use it as a reference guide. Sorry I've elaborated on what Vicky has just put but then you cant have too much of a good thing! 
Hope you get on ok!

Julie
xx