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The hardest post i've ever written.

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Charlibeau

Junior member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
5
Location
Lancashire
Hi everyone, this is my first post here and the first time I've ever confided in anyone about my phobia. I don't really know where to start, I'm really suicidal and for me to write this is me trying to help myself basically ask for help I think.
I'm so mortified as there is nobody I know who can relate or if they do have a phobia their teeth aren't anywhere nearly in a bad state as mine are (I'm cringing just typing this).
I'm 36, married and have three children, my husband loves me no matter what but my brain constantly tells me it's rubbish and he will one day be so revolted by my appearance he will leave. I have never had a perfect smile, crooked teeth as my mouth is very narrow my dentist as a child refused to give me a brace, and did dental work without pain relief as he told me I was a small percent of patients who pain relief doesn't work for. I grew terrified then but it really stems from my anxiety as a child, my mother is a narcissist and growing up with her as her target out of two other younger sisters was horrific, she would tear me down constantly, terrify me about all sorts, she would laugh with my sisters if they said I had put on weight, she never once in her life told me I was pretty, beautiful even as a person and she couldn't be bothered to teach me about oral hygiene or help me with anything like that, her life revolved around her and my youngest sister, I met my husband when I was 18 and he showed me there was another world out there other then the one she trapped me in, which was terrifying as well as exciting, she disowned me for being with him and kept me away from my family with smear campaigns, it broke my heart. I got pregnant and she tried to rule my life again once my son was born, I ended up nearly taking my own life at 22 with a baby and a partner who was out his debt with all of this ( I can't blame him he was only 23 himself) I went to counselling and then I was shown that the problem wasn't me it was my mum, after that I felt like I could see for the first time, like the scene in the movie the Truman show when everything clicks into place, what he thought his life was, was in fact lies his family had deceived him. I then started with severe anxiety and this is when the self loathing started badly, no matter what my husband said to me I wouldn't believe him, he told me I was beautiful, I didn't believe him, I stopped taking care of myself, I started to suffer insomnia which having a child led to extreme tiredness, I would make up for it by drinking high caffeine drinks like redbull and then coke to keep me going, I got addicted and that with the neglect was like a permanent vicious circle, It got so bad I was in pain with my teeth and went to a emergency dentist who said I was in such a bad state they would sedate me so I went and had teeth removed, they asked me to come back for treatment but I would never come, only in sever emergencies. I've had infections in my teeth for months (not painful just lumps) and my teeth are falling out, have huge holes, rotting and the lady straw was the other day I bit something and part of the middle of my front tooth fell out, I now have a gap at the bottom of them. I keep saying to myself I can't do this anymore, I am a embarrassment to my kids, to my husband, my friends don't see me anymore as I make excuses, I keep thinking I've crossed the line and it's too late to go back, life is over and it sounds so shallow but I grew up hearing nothing but negativity said to me and I'm sure it's my mum's voice I really here constantly. I'm too embarrassed to ask for help, I was raised to not bring shame, I was also told that people will smile at you and pretend to listen to you but deep down they are judging you. I feel like the loneliest person in the world even in a crowded room. I'm absolutely mortified writing all this down as my stomach is in knots but after trying to dial Samaritan's and not having the guts to speak to someone and not dare tell me gp, I don't have a clue how to get off this vicious circle of hell. My grandad committed suicide when he was in his 40s and other people in the family did too, I'm terrified this will catch me too. I'm so sorry for this incredibly long rant. I just have no idea how to get help.
 
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Gfan

Member
Joined
Oct 4, 2017
Messages
22
I am so very sorry to hear all you are going through. You are in the right place here. So many of us are dealing with a lot of the same feelings and emotions that you are
This is a great support system, as we really do understand.
I relate to you in so many ways and I would be more than happy to be an ear to listen because you ARE worth it and you can get through this! If you would like I can give you my email and we can talk?
 
Enarete

Enarete

Super Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Sep 18, 2017
Messages
2,532
Dear Charlibeau,

welcome and thank you so much for having the incredible courage and the trust to share your story with us, I know how hard it must have been. You are in the right place, you are not alone and you have just made the first step in seeking help.

Have sent you a pm.
 
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Charlibeau

Junior member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
5
Location
Lancashire
Thank you so much, that's so nice to hear,
You really do go it alone when your in our position don't you, I've done it for years and I have always thought to myself it's like being in a crowded room and feeling like the loneliest person on the planet. I've had a little cry since I wrote that and realised I can't go on with my life this way anymore, I'm missing out on what others are experiencing, especially having kids too, I found myself hiding away and they were asking me to take them places but I can't leave and their dad has to go, I feel so guilty. I look back at old footage and see myself when everything looked fine and think what I would do to be back then, then that awful despair hits. Please send me your email, that would be lovely x

I am so very sorry to hear all you are going through. You are in the right place here. So many of us are dealing with a lot of the same feelings and emotions that you are
This is a great support system, as we really do understand.
I relate to you in so many ways and I would be more than happy to be an ear to listen because you ARE worth it and you can get through this! If you would like I can give you my email and we can talk?
 
C

Charlibeau

Junior member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
5
Location
Lancashire
Thanks so much x

Dear Charlibeau,

welcome and thank you so much for having the incredible courage and the trust to share your story with us, I know how hard it must have been. You are in the right place, you are not alone and you have just made the first step in seeking help.

Have sent you a pm.
 
Dg6300

Dg6300

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2017
Messages
637
Location
US
Hey! Thanks for posting. You did a very good job.

You're going to be okay. You're going to make it.

You got it all out, and everyone here is glad you did.

I'm very pleased you are considering calling the Samaritans. I emailed them when I was struggling terribly, and they really helped.

After a quick googling of "Lancashire crisis", I found this:

http://www.lancashire.gov.uk/benefits-and-grants/crisis-support-scheme.aspx''

I'm not sure what the UK version of 211 is, but I encourage you to find that number, call it, and tell them what you told us.

I also encourage you to google "Lancashire crisis"; not because I want to burden you with tasks, but so that you realize how many people want to help you, are waiting to help you.

Also, and this has nothing to do with anything, you're the first person I've ever met from Lancashire. I hope you'll forgive me for immediately thinking about 4000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.

Now I know two things about Lancashire: how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall, and that there is a brave person there.
 
M

MissJoy

Member
Joined
Feb 1, 2018
Messages
22
Charliebeau,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You are amazing for sharing your story with us. It can be so hard and painful to open up and talk about our problems. You have made a great first step to come here. You are not alone here. Everyone has a different story, a different history and unique set of experiences that has lead them to where we are today.But we are all here to support each other and right now we are listening and offering support to you.
 
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Charlibeau

Junior member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
5
Location
Lancashire
Thanks so much for your lovely reply and taking the time to google for me as my brain is like a cloud of fog at the moment, I can't think straight to even get dressed!!! I'm going to have a look at that site and be brave and speak to someone, that comment about the holes made me laugh so much!!
I live in Preston so it's not far and I know Blackburn well lol
Thanks for the kind words, means so much x
 
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Charlibeau

Junior member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
5
Location
Lancashire
Thanks once again, you don't know how much it means to me, when you say things you've never told anyone your whole life and let it out it is so terrifying and leaves you feeling vulnerable, so thanks again for the lovely support it all means more than you can imagine x
Charliebeau,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You are amazing for sharing your story with us. It can be so hard and painful to open up and talk about our problems. You have made a great first step to come here. You are not alone here. Everyone has a different story, a different history and unique set of experiences that has lead them to where we are today.But we are all here to support each other and right now we are listening and offering support to you.
 
G

Gfan

Member
Joined
Oct 4, 2017
Messages
22
I pm'd you my email address ?
Thank you so much, that's so nice to hear,
You really do go it alone when your in our position don't you, I've done it for years and I have always thought to myself it's like being in a crowded room and feeling like the loneliest person on the planet. I've had a little cry since I wrote that and realised I can't go on with my life this way anymore, I'm missing out on what others are experiencing, especially having kids too, I found myself hiding away and they were asking me to take them places but I can't leave and their dad has to go, I feel so guilty. I look back at old footage and see myself when everything looked fine and think what I would do to be back then, then that awful despair hits. Please send me your email, that would be lovely x
 
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