• Dental Phobia Support

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Trying to get up the courage to go back for fillings

E

Eiana

Junior member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
1
So, I went to the dentist about 4 months ago, for the first time in 5+ years. I went in for a cleaning and check up first, and was told that I had a lot of cavities - kinda what I was expecting. One tooth was so bad that it needed to be extracted, another one may need a root canal, but I was told the rest should be fine with fillings. I got the extraction out of the way first, since I was actually having pain with that one (which is what got me to finally go back to the dentist in the first place). I had intended to follow up and get the rest of them taken care of fairly soon after, but obviously have not done so.

It's not really the dental work that I'm afraid of, that doesn't bother me all that much. It's the shame of having bad teeth and of having not taken care of my teeth properly, and the fear of being judged and lectured that keeps me from going. The dentist I saw back in high school (I'm in my 30s now) was terrible about lecturing and shaming me for eating/drinking too many sugary things, which is a big part of why I avoided the dentist for so many years.

I'm autistic, and I struggle with depression and anxiety, along with trauma issues from parental emotional abuse. I'm very sensitive to criticism, or even perceived criticism. I take it to heart and often make a bigger deal out of it than I should. Basically, I end up feeling like a terrible person and going into some sort of panicky self-destructive loop or another until I can manage to calm myself down and look at things more rationally. (For example - even though the dentist I saw 4 months ago was really nice and understanding - after my extraction site had healed up, I was so anxious about possibly eating something that was bad for my teeth, that I tried to more or less avoid eating altogether unless I felt really hungry. I was fully aware of how irrational I was being, but it still took me a while to break myself out of that loop.)

I struggle to take proper care of my teeth. I'm trying to figure out why exactly, but I'm still not totally sure. Depression likely plays a factor, as well as autism-related executive dysfunction. I used to be so good about brushing my teeth twice a day as a kid, now I'm doing good if I manage to brush once a day. It's embarrassing to admit, I know it's gross, but sometimes I'll go for a week or so without brushing. :redface: I don't even have a reason for it that I can figure out, I just...don't do it. (I'm sure there has to be a reason, if I could just figure out what it is that's keeping me from doing it, maybe I could fix it! I'm so ashamed of my bad dental hygiene, I don't understand why I can't just keep up with it - it seems like it should be so simple!)

I know I shouldn't eat and drink as much sugary stuff as I do, and I'm trying to cut back (I did switch from regular to diet pop most of the time - I know it's still bad, but at least it's something), but I struggle with disordered eating off and on, and restricting my diet at all tends to trigger that, so I don't dare tell myself that I can't have certain foods at all. At some point I'd like to work on eating healthier, but right now I'm still working on trying to actually eat 3 meals a day, so if the only food that sounds appetizing to me is unhealthy or bad for my teeth, well, at least I'm eating.

Like I said before, the new dentist I saw 4 months ago was really nice and understanding. I did tell him that I struggled with anxiety and hadn't seen a dentist for quite some time - however, due to my autism, I wasn't really able to communicate or explain properly the specifics of my anxiety - that it was not about the dental work itself, but the fear of judgment over bad teeth and bad dental hygiene. I am verbal and communicate quite well through writing, but often struggle with meaningful spoken communication. The majority of my speech is scripted, and growing up in an emotionally abusive household, I learned pretty quickly to follow along and say what people wanted to hear. As a result, my spoken communication makes sense, but is not always accurate or truthful, especially in situations where the other party is an authority figure. It's an automatic reaction, and I often don't realize it's happened until I'm reviewing the conversation with myself later on. So when the dentist encouraged me to get an electric toothbrush, floss and use mouthwash daily, switch to diet pop, and avoid sugar as much as possible, my response was basically, "Okay, I'll do that!"

And I've tried! I did go out and get an electric toothbrush, and that's what I use to brush my teeth now. I've switched to diet pop for the most part. I occasionally floss and use mouthwash, and have somewhat tried to cut back on sugar. But overall? I've failed at most of it. After the dentist appointment, I wrote in my journal, "I more or less agreed to do a bunch of stuff that I know I'm not going to be able to do consistently...All good things to do, and mostly changes I'd like to make, but right now I'm still working on brushing my teeth every day! I'm doing pretty good with it, but it's still something I have to consciously work on!"

I'm ashamed to go back and admit that I haven't done most of the things I said I would do to improve my dental hygiene. And while the dentist was nice, the hygienist that did my cleaning was, well, kind of insensitive/tactless (despite the fact that she also was made aware that I had anxiety and hadn't been to the dentist for years). The first thing she did was take x-rays, and when she looked at them, she commented, "Whoa, you have a lot of cavities! You must not be flossing!" (Yeah, thanks, I know. Considering I'm so ashamed of my bad dental hygiene that this is my first time at the dentist in over 5 years...) I was so embarrassed. Hopefully I'll get a different hygienist next time, but who knows?

I know I need to go back though, soon. I know my cavities are getting worse - there's one on either side of the space where I had the tooth extracted, and I can feel them with my tongue. Tonight I was actually flossing my teeth, and had a few tiny bits of tooth fall out between two others, which freaked me out enough to come on here and actually register for the forum to write a post of my own instead of just reading through other people's posts, which is all I had ever done before.

I'm thinking this time I might go in with a better explanation of my specific anxiety issues written out that I can just hand to the hygienist and dentist, so I don't have to worry about messing up with the spoken communication again.

Sorry this is so long, but any advice, encouragement, or reassurance would be very much appreciated!
 
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I often recommend writing down your needs on a piece of paper even to people who don't usually have trouble with communication. It can be really hard to say the necessary things in the heat of the moment when you're nervous and overwhelmed! So that's a good idea and you should do it. :)

Don't beat yourself up for not changing entirely overnight when it comes to dental hygiene. It's no small task! Dentists recommend that stuff knowing fine well that many patients won't follow it to a T.

It sounds like dental hygiene never became a habit for you. That is the reason it is simple for some people - it's a habit and it takes next to no mental energy to perform. But it does take a lot of mental energy to form a new habit, and when you're low on spoons it can seem insurmountable.

You can try popping a sticky note on your bathroom mirror, saying something like "remember to brush and use mouthwash". It takes about 21 days to form a new habit as long as the thing in question is not complicated. As for flossing, buy a couple of extra floss packets and leave them in places you relax, like your desk or couch. You might find yourself picking it up and absent-mindedly having a floss while watching TV.

You're not a failure. You're doing your best to make positive changes. Many people struggle with things like this. It's normal!

Hang in there :hug4:
 
Look at you! Going to the dentist and facing your issues with courage and dignity. Bravo bravo!

I don’t have much advice, but this definite recommendation: next time you are at the dentist, get a referral for a periodontist. Then ask the periodontist for a session on flossing. I found that very helpful.

Good luck! Keep us posted. You got this.
 
It is so hard to create new habits when you aren't brought up with them. My family didn't care much about oral hygiene so I never really knew it was an issue until I was older. By then the damage was done and I was so afraid and embarrassed to see the dentist because I knew that I was partially to blame. Depression and anxiety are definitely an issue too. I have struggled with both for many years and sometimes it is a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning let alone take care of myself. Like Sevena mentioned, it might help you to give yourself a reminder to do the things you need to do. Try to make it a part of your schedule every day and stick with it day after day. I too am definitely guilty about making false promises to the dentist. I want to take care of myself but sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth the effort.

Anyway, you will feel so happy with yourself after getting through your appointment and getting those fillings taken care of! You've already conquered the hardest part :)
 
Dear Eiana,

you are doing amazing. Managing to see a dentist, getting a cleaning and even an extraction is a huge achievement. You are also obviously trying hard to keep going with brushing which is great too. As Sevena wrote, this may take some time and that's fine, the most important part is that you are trying.

Your post sounds very reflected and clear, you seem to know yourself very well and be great at writing, so your idea about handing your dental team a letter is great. I remember my initial visits at my current dentist - letters were the only way of me being able to ask or respond to questions or explain things. As soon as hitting the treatment room I would just stare at my dentists shoes talking in one-word-sentences. Once you know your dentist better and feel more confident during your visits, the communication will get easier.

What I see when reading your post is a courageous person who tries her best to face her fears and improves gradually with every step. Even your consideration to get back for the fillings and prepare the letter shows your commitment and willingness to go on, which is great. Progress with dental fear is not linear and things might feel overwhelming at times, but the only thing that counts is that you go back again and again. And I can promise you that things will eventually get better. So while it's good to be clear about where you can get better, give yourself a pat on the back and keep rewarding yourself for the small victories also.

All the best wishes and keep us posted:)
 
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