I still feel a bit embarrassed which stops me from trying to go straight back. I also don't feel ready. But it's difficult isn't it because I'll probably never feel ready so am I just stalling to put off trying again? Probably. I feel like I need a few days to recovered and get my head together before I think about trying again.
Needing few days to process and recover is fine as soon as you don't get into the state of avoidance.
I totally get your feeling of embarrassment, but here is the point: when beating dental fear, it's about not getting overwhelmed since every negative experience you have can make your anxiety worse. If you don't feel able to go through a procedure, it's essential to stop. It feels weird and it feels like a failure but is the only right thing to do. From this perspective you did good.
My last experience at the dentist, it's just about one week ago: I should get numbed and get something painted on my tooth. The numbing wouldn't be necessary but we decided to do it anyway to desensitize me since I get panic attacks from the numbing sensation. So the aim is to get numbed as much as possible in a controlled way to get used to that. My dentist was running late and I suggested to make it quicker to be out earlier to save some time. How it went: he just tipped me back and I asked him to stop and put me up again, which he did. I was, frozen, felt dizzy, my mind was foggy. I knew the injection would be the next step and I would have to get through somehow so I decided to just force myself to get through and gave my dentist the go to tip me back again. He didn't even manage to react yet and I was asking for just one more second. I had this dilemma of not feeling ready physically and mentally but not having any other choice than to go on since that was why we were there on that day. So I sat there a minute or two, frozen, not saying anything, trying to figure out what should I do.
My dentist asked me what was going on in my mind. I told him I didn't look forward to the numbing because I had all the memories of my panic attack last time and also feel afraid of the administering, which was ok last time but now in my mind feels like a real danger. He offered me to just paint the tooth without numbing and he also offered me to stop for today altogether. He explained that progress was not linear and the ability to go through a treatment can vary from day to day and from minute to minute and the most important thing when treating dental fear is to keep making positive experiences and not letting the fear to get over. This explanation gave me a huge freedom and made me feel better instantly.
I suggested to only do the numbing, without painting the tooth so that I would have just one trigger, without having to get through the procedure. We had a further chat about what I was worried about and how my dentist could help me with it. He explained to me why numbness feels so scary: because the only time you would feel like this naturally would be if something would get swollen which would only happen if your were poisoned. For this reason our bodies sometimes panic when we get numbed. He reminded me that we were inducing this feeling by purpose and that this was the thing to keep in mind. So after 10 minutes of further chat I was calm enough to let him numb me. I kept concentrating on my feet during the whole time and the time after that to get distracted from the feeling. The whole experience was much better than the numbing we did the session before - I had no panic attack and I didn't even care much about the numbness this time but I felt upset because I didn't get through the planned treatment and made my dentist run even more late than he already was and while I didn't worry about the numbness, I indeed felt like a loser and a failure and like my dentist must be really angry with me. This was bothering me so much that I emailed my dentist in the middle of the night to check how embarrassing this all was. (Didn't put the real issue into the email, just thanked him for his patience and asked some questions - I would, on the reply, notice if he was angry or not).. I got a reply and it was very friendly, he didn't sound upset at all so I got calmer again.
So this is why I quite get your feelings about the last experience. I feel embarrassed after every visit and always feel like not being able to come back and like they probably either hate me, or don't even know I exist, but on a logical level I believe that nobody there thinks of me like this.
You did cbt, you went there, you tried and you recognized your limits. You learned your triggers a bit better, which is very important and will serve you on your further journey. This is all progress, keep it in mind. And stopping a procedure when you notice you are getting overwhelmed is a very important part of the process.
I wish you will find the courage to try again soon. My next appointment to get numbed is in 10 days. The plan is the same again: get numbed and get the tooth painted. I will see if I can make it this time.
