P
pjfromny
Junior member
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2025
- Messages
- 7
- Location
- New York
I have been terrified of this profession as long as I can remember. I keep thinking I can make progress if I can better understand what happened to me. I found a kind person to go to, but I still struggle so much. I've not been able to tell him the whole story yet. I am hoping someone here can help me.
My first memory of going is when I was about 5. I had not been until then. I sort of suspect now that, like many kids of that era (late '50s and early 60's) I was allowed to sleep with a bottle with juice or milk. I remember being held down, screaming, not knowing what was happening, being put to sleep, and waking up all bloody and hurting. No one talked to me about what was happening. I was so scared. But, at 67, I still recall that day vividly.
The next thing I recall is that I was about 10, and a piece of something fell out. I still really can't use the words. I was in such trouble with my parents. We went to a person who was so rough and seemed angry. There was so much to fix, and every time, he was rough and seemed angry. It was so humiliating. He used to tell me how awful I was and would never tell me what was happening.
My parents punished me for almost everything related to this subject. I was punished for something that needed fixing. punished for things falling out (when they are supposed to as kids grow up), punished for smiling because it did not look good. My father used to grab my jaw, kind of like a horse and tell me that it did not look good.
I quit going as soon as I became an adult. I just could not deal with the humiliation. I tried once before, when I was around 30 to get through the fear and humiliation. I tried for about 5 years, and tried using valium and even seeing a psychiatrist, but I just could not get to the point of not being terrified of the whole subject. So I quit going again, for about 30 years.
A few years ago, my husband was diagnosed with dementia. One of the essential things for a caregiver is taking care of oneself. I was doing everything except dealing with this area. I finally got up enough courage to start going to a person. Of course, things were pretty bad.
He has been so incredibly kind and patient. It's almost impossible for me to believe that he is not angry with me. I've completed all the procedures so far, despite being terrified the entire time. But I'm not terrified of the procedures; it's still the shame from childhood. I'm in the process of getting all-on-X implants on top, and a couple of individual implants on the bottom. But I am literally shaking even to type this.
I can actually look in the mirror now for the first time in my life and not see ugly.
Is there a way to move past all this? I really did try to take care of things as a child. But can't get past being punished for everything and feeling such shame that things needed to be fixed. The current person is so kind and patient. I want to be able to trust that he will not be angry with me. I want to be able to look at him.
Thank you for reading all this, and for any guidance that you might have.
My first memory of going is when I was about 5. I had not been until then. I sort of suspect now that, like many kids of that era (late '50s and early 60's) I was allowed to sleep with a bottle with juice or milk. I remember being held down, screaming, not knowing what was happening, being put to sleep, and waking up all bloody and hurting. No one talked to me about what was happening. I was so scared. But, at 67, I still recall that day vividly.
The next thing I recall is that I was about 10, and a piece of something fell out. I still really can't use the words. I was in such trouble with my parents. We went to a person who was so rough and seemed angry. There was so much to fix, and every time, he was rough and seemed angry. It was so humiliating. He used to tell me how awful I was and would never tell me what was happening.
My parents punished me for almost everything related to this subject. I was punished for something that needed fixing. punished for things falling out (when they are supposed to as kids grow up), punished for smiling because it did not look good. My father used to grab my jaw, kind of like a horse and tell me that it did not look good.
I quit going as soon as I became an adult. I just could not deal with the humiliation. I tried once before, when I was around 30 to get through the fear and humiliation. I tried for about 5 years, and tried using valium and even seeing a psychiatrist, but I just could not get to the point of not being terrified of the whole subject. So I quit going again, for about 30 years.
A few years ago, my husband was diagnosed with dementia. One of the essential things for a caregiver is taking care of oneself. I was doing everything except dealing with this area. I finally got up enough courage to start going to a person. Of course, things were pretty bad.
He has been so incredibly kind and patient. It's almost impossible for me to believe that he is not angry with me. I've completed all the procedures so far, despite being terrified the entire time. But I'm not terrified of the procedures; it's still the shame from childhood. I'm in the process of getting all-on-X implants on top, and a couple of individual implants on the bottom. But I am literally shaking even to type this.
I can actually look in the mirror now for the first time in my life and not see ugly.
Is there a way to move past all this? I really did try to take care of things as a child. But can't get past being punished for everything and feeling such shame that things needed to be fixed. The current person is so kind and patient. I want to be able to trust that he will not be angry with me. I want to be able to look at him.
Thank you for reading all this, and for any guidance that you might have.
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