How do I tell friends and family ... !!??

[misslulu]

Hello everyone,

well I have finally started treatment and I fell like I am on the road to recovery. but.... I still havent talked to any of my friends or family about my phobia, and how I am now overcoming it.

I was just wondering if anybody else had to go through the same thing, ie not ever talk about it and then eventually having to tell people? I want to tell people, especially my parents. I dont even live in the same country as them anymore, but always ask if I even go to the dentist (of course I always dodge this question), and now I am due back home in a few months time for a holiday and they keep saying they are going to book me an appointment with a dentist back home. I want to say that I am already seeing one here, but then I know this will lead to a lot of questions and sooner or later they are going to know about it all. Its stupid cause I know I should just tell them, but you know.. its harder than you think!

Also after my first treatment session the other day, I felt so happy I just wanted to tell everyone. But then my fear got in the way. I still think my friends will judge me if I tell them!

Would love some advice!

 

[Starlight25]

hey
I know how you feel but yr parents are going to be so so proud of you!!! Trust me it sounds as if they might know that you are very nervous about dentists but they probably dont know the true extent i say that because them keep asking you about having a dentist is exactly what my parents used to do. My mum knew i was scared but had no idea of my true phobia so she would always say so whens yr dentist appointment due ? I like you would dodge the question quickly. When I was in pain and needed to see a dentist thats when i told her she already knew how scared I was and was just pleased i was finally admitting to it and getting help. Now ive finished all my treatment and can finally say im no longer terrified in fact if its just a check im not even nervous !! My mum told me she always knew i would get there and she'd always known i was scared just not quite the extent of my phobia!!!
My point is yr parents probably have some idea and they will be really really pleased when you tell them that your getting this sorted yrself it will be one less thing for them to worry about and when your all done you will be able to trully hold yr head up you've already started yr incredible journey and yr parents are going to be very very proud!!!
Start off simply just say casually when you speak to them my new dentist is really nice im glad ive found one i like then when they ask you questions just answer them honestly its better you've chosen yr dentist than them help to pick one its you that needs the work done not them.also you've already taken the first step so your actuallly proving your already getting sorted not im going to ...
Hope this help they really will be proud honest!!!!
Let us know how it goes
Emma

 

[olivacs]

Gosh I felt just like you. I avoided the dentist for years and my mom especially would always ask me when my appointment was or tell me I should go to the dentist and just get a cleaning. I avoided all of her questions or would answer her with "Oh, I already have been". just to get her off of my back.

Well now that I have had so much treatment done I have told my family and friends bits and pieces of it but only what I have wanted to share. I don't feel like sharing all of my treatment at least as of yet but they do know the basics.
The point being your parents will be proud you wnet and like Emma said wording it where you tell them you have found a compassionate dentist is really the key. I think your parents will then leave you alone about it because they will know you are at least going now.

You share the details you want with who you want because you are in control of what goes on.

 

[drummerswife]

Hi there Lulu,
As I read through your post, I was particularly struck by the line "I am still afraid my friends will judge me if I tell them"
People who are truly your friends will be understanding and supportive if you chose share your story with them and, in my opinion, if they are not, if they in fact do judge you, then they are not truly your friends because thats not the role of friendship.
I have a dear friend who has no dental fear. For her, going to the dentist is simply a routine activity like going through the car wash, buying grroceries, doing laundry, etc, its just a part a living. Knowing me has been a real education for her as she has learned a lot about fear, that there are many people, like us, for whom going to the dentist takes enormous courage and is a very big deal. She watches her two young children carefully for any sign of fear when they go to the dentist because she has learned from me that this kind of trauma has long lasting effects.
On the subject of family, I agree with Emma, your family probably already knows you are scared and no doubt they will be very proud. In my case, my mother knows about my phobia because, sad to say, she helped crerate it. It wa my mother who sent me to one of the dentists who traumatized me so badly I will never forget it and even when I tried to tell her and became hysterical when she said I had to go, she paid no attention to my fear and took me back there over and over because the dentist was covered under their insrance so it cost them very little. And yet the price I paid is enormous.
When I was dating my husband, I flat out refused to speak of it. In my orevious posts, I have written about how he finally convinced me to go see someone and took me to his own dentist and I became so completely hysterical that the dentist could do nothing with me and my husband was dazed and frightened because he had no clue what was going on or why. Like my friend, he has no real fear. I didnt tell him because I felt embarrased and a little ashaned about my phobia. He has also learned a lot anf has been by my side through every visit I have had with my lovely dentist.

 

[vict4ia]

You raise a really good question. I think many of us felt/feel the same way. I struggled a little bit with the question, too - who to tell and how much to tell?

I think that the reason so many of us suffer in silence for so long is that we're ashamed of our fear. For some reason, it seems to be taboo to talk about fear of the dentist. Because of that, we sit in silence and let our imaginations carry us away and let our fears grow out of control. We feel like we will be ridiculed if we admit to our fear. And, so, instead of asking for help or looking for support, we hide.

Here's the thing, though. I learned from my dentist that at least 25% of the population has some degree of dental phobia. After learning that, I decided that I would make it a mission to try to save other people from the same shame and do my part to make the topic of dental phobia a little less taboo.

No, I don't go up to random people and tell them about my dental phobia. I also don't make a big deal about it. However, if the topic of dentists comes up and the opportunity presents itself, I casually mention that I struggled with dental phobia. I'll say something like, "I used to be pretty terrified of the dentist but I've found a great dentist and have dealt with that." It hasn't come up a whole lot but when it has come up, the response has always been either compassion or relief.

I've been amazed at the number of times that people have said something like, "Oh! Me too! I'm terrified of the dentist! I just don't go." And, right in that moment, there's an opportunity to help. I usually just tell the person about this website and let them know that there are lots of people who suffer from some form of dental phobia.

Aside from possibly helping another person, talking about dental phobia has other potential positive side effects.

First, when you are more open about dealing with your phobia, you send yourself positive messages. You allow yourself to feel the pride that you deserve to feel for dealing with or working on your fear.

Second, you begin to loosen the hold that the fear has over you a little bit at a time. I found that when I was able to mention the fear fairly casually, the fear itself gradually started to diminish. When you think about it, the fear that we work to keep inside is pretty darn toxic. There's something freeing about exposing something that you worked so hard to hide for so many years.

Finally, you open yourself up for compassion and support from the people who matter to you. Sure, there may be a few people who just don't get it - and that's OK. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised, though, to find that people are much more understanding and compassionate than you may think.

From the sounds of it, I bet your parents will be very proud of you.

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

 

[Snowball]

I found it really hard to tell my husband but the minute I did he was so supportive. Then I never really thought I'd tell anyone else but as time has gone on (over a year has gone past now since I had all the work done, and have been to have check ups, hygiene appointments and a root canal earlier this year), have found it really easy now. Am very 'out of the closet' - I say I was phobic for years but found a fantastic dentist that specialises in phobics and now I don't mind going. My kids know I use a phobics forum, as I tell them.

I became a lot more 'out' about it when my niece said to me in casual conversation, her boyfriend (in his late 20s and a nice enough looking bloke) is terrified of dentists and refuses to go. I thought if I started dropping info about dental phobia it might help someone else. And that was a big step - once you are through and out the other side. The reason I come here too to help. If I could just help one person go for treatment and come away feeling they have their life back, I'd be so thrilled!

So yes, am a bit of an evangelist about it! I don't bore on, but I will chat about it if dentists comes up in conversation and I have been pleased at the positive response from all - many who didn't realise I had the phobia, and would have helped me if they had!

It gets easier to do with time and now to me, I can say I used to be really phobic about dentists which is probably easier to say than *I AM phobic*!

 

[drummerswife]

Well done Poodleo! It is indeed amazing to me how life can change once you find your way through the fear.
Your quest to help others is a perfect example of what one of my favorite writers, Maya Angelou, was saying when she wrote "Never under estimate your power to change the life of another"

 

[jenjen]

I haven't been brave enough to tell all friends yet but I will talk about going to the dentist and not just go red and put my head down when the subjects mentioned. Funny thing is others have told me about their phobia, so there are more of us out there than we probably all think.

I told my husband first, and he was great! Tell one person who you feel you can trust. My mom now knows and one other person who has really bad teeth and who I am guessing is phobic (he hasn't confirmed as such though).

Something funny too, I thought my husband wasn't scared and last night he told me that before each appointment he has a drink of vodka which the dentist can't smell but it calms him down AND he told me the only reason he picked our dentist for himself was that there was a Dr's downstairs so if he collapsed the Dr could resuscitate him!!!

So, don't think people are judging you, if they are decent people they aren't, and lots of people might actually be as scared as you are. One of the worst things about dental phobia is that you take elaborate steps to hide it which just makes it worse.

Good luck

 

[fernbrook]

When I first told my mom and Nana I wanted to go, I burst into tears. I still do, because of the embarassment and shame. They understand and it breaks their hearts to see me so sad, but they are mostly so proud I'm finally going

 

[jenjen]

When I first told my husband, I sobbed as well. I had just broken a tooth and realised I had to go to the dentist, it felt literally like the end of the world and that I couldn't cope with it. I too felt disgusted with myself, embarrassed and ashamed for leaving it so long. 9 months later after going, I just feel proud of myself for going and that the fear is lessened. Very very best of luck on your journey.