This is my first time on here. I have had so much success in my journey but now I'm terrified.

[Belphagor]

As my title states this is my first time posting anything here. I really hope someone reads this and responds. I wanted to share my story of mostly success in exposure therapy but a roadblock I've hit now. I'm sorry if this is long.
I'm a 20 year old girl and ever since I was little I've been scared of the dentist. I remember not liking the dentist when I was 6 but I don't recall being scared? I guess maybe I was because when my dentist found some cavities in my molars they sent me to a special pediatric dentist. I didn't mind it there and I remember almost nothing of my fillings appointment. I'm told I may have been on laughing gas at the time. But I have a single small memory of crying at that appointment because I suddenly felt something sharply cutting into my lip. Whatever they were using to keep my mouth open felt like it was cutting me and I started crying really hard because I couldn't remove it. But the only response I got from the dentist was "Oh! If you're crying we can't fix your teeth!" in a stupid, happy condescending voice. Like she couldn't believe a child would cry at the dentist.
As I got older it seemed like I would get more and more scared at every appointment even though nothing bad ever happened to me at the dentist? As of this day I've never had another filling since I was 6 I've only had cleanings. When I was 11 my mother suffered a dental emergency. A simple x-ray showed that a wisdom tooth was stuck in her jaw bone in such a dangerous way that she needed an urgent surgery to have it removed and basically had a massive portion of her left jaw removed. She wasn't allowed to eat solid foods for an entire year and was told if she did her jaw would shatter. I remember her having to eat all her meals blended it was awful. My mom has since assured me that what happened to her was very rare but It still terrifies me. I didn't think much of it at the time but now I realize that this was the start of my dental phobia. By the time I was 12 I was officially scared of the dentist not just nervous. about a year after that happened to my mom she had a horrible experience at that dentist in a routine cleaning and after that we stopped going there. That was when I was 12 and I haven't gone to a dentist in 8 years.
From the time I was 12-16 we did not have a dentist and I didn't ever think about it. Then when I was 17 my parents found a dentist and booked all of us appointments. My dad picked me up from school one day and told me he made us all appointments and I instantly blurted out "I'm not going". I had just decided that the dentist was something I could never do again and the thought of going made me scream cry into a pillow later that night. I eventually cancelled my appointment being very clear that I would never go back to a dentist again and from ages 17-18 I continued to avoid it whilst still constantly worrying about it in the back of my mind. But when I was approaching age 19 I started to feel wisdom teeth growing in and it devastated me. Because now I really couldn't ignore it. When I last went to the dentist when I was 12 they told me I had 2 cavities and I know they're still there. I have a cavity in between my front teeth, a huge cavity in my upper back molar, my lower back molar is very cracked and I seem to have many cracks and cavities all over my mouth. Not to mention my 2 bottom wisdom teeth coming in slowly. I took very bad care of my mouth between ages 12 and 16 and the longer I put it off the worse things are getting and the more scared I am to go in. I'm scared I'll need all my teeth root canalled and I'm only 20. I finally brought up the topic in therapy in spring of 2024 and soon afterwards exposure therapy began.
I'm very happy to say that my exposure therapy has mostly been a huge success. I have an amazing therapist who validated for me that fact that phobia's shouldn't be faced head on like regular fears. Slow exposure therapy has benefitted me so much. I also have the help of a nice young woman from my local youth help center who's offered to go to actual appointments with me (I'll just call her Brooklyn) and I feel very safe with Brooklyn an advocate. in April of 2024 when I started my journey, I couldn't even talk about the dentist without crying. Since then I've watched videos, sat in the parking lot at the dentist, sat in the waiting room, wrote a letter about my phobia to give to my dentist and hygienist, had a tour of the office space, met my future dentist just to say hello, handed in my new patient forms, practiced sitting in the chair! I even practiced lying down in the chair this week and practiced opening my mouth and letting Brooklyn look inside. I'm so proud of myself for doing all this. I've been really brave and come a long, long way this year. The rest of the exposure plan would have been too meet my future hygienist next week and Brooklyn booked an x-ray and a cleaning for herself on October 8th so I can come and watch. After that I would book the same thing for myself and try my best to get through it. My biggest fears, top of my list are diagnosis and procedures. I'm terrified to hear what needs to be done and I'm not sure I can handle it. I have always told myself that's the very last step and that's so high up on the fear list that I don't have to get to that for months. But now something has come up.
My upper back molar that has the big cavity is killing me. It hurts so bad I can't eat on that side and it's making my other teeth around it hurt. It comes and goes but lately it's actually distracting me from everything else. I can barely sleep and I don't want to eat. I have cut out almost all sugar since I started experiencing this toothache and obsessively brushing, flossing, rinsing with warm saltwater and using OraGel. I am so fucking scared, this is not how the plan was supposed to go. I am not ready for an emergency appointment and this will throw off all of my hard work. I'm scared this isn't a cavity anymore I'm scared I need a root canal or need it pulled. There's so many kinds of dental problems I don't even know about and I'm terrified to go through what my mom went through. After what happened to her, the dentist felt like the grim reaper to me. I'm afraid of how scary the numb feeling is, even just using OraGel causes my sensory issues to flare up, it must be so much worse at the dentist. And I have no pain tolerance and I'm terrified of needles. I don't want to sit through it because I'm afraid it will push me into a nervous breakdown I'm afraid the procedure will traumatize me. But I don't want Ativan or laughing gas because I'm afraid the dentist will do something terrible to me. And I never want sedation because I might not wake up again. I haven't felt suicidal in a long time and I don't ever want to feel that way again. What if I'm traumatized by a procedure and it pushes me into a bad headspace? I'm not ready for this but ever part of my body is screaming at me to get help because the pain is so bad. I feel sick my head hurts and I'm afraid of dying if I don't get this treated. I'm so angry at myself for letting things get this far. I was so proud of myself for all my hard work but now I'm so ashamed that I'm risking making myself very sick which would hurt my parents so much. I don't know what to do. I guess I just want some support. I don't know how much longer I can stand this pain. Please be gentle your comments and responses. I am desperate and terrified and I'm afraid to tell Brooklyn or Jessica. I think I might need to call the dentist tomorrow.

 

[gemcool16]

I just read your post and I can relate to quite a lot if it. I noticed it is a year old! How are you now? I really hope you got some support.

 

[Belphagor]

It’s really kind of you to read what I wrote here and respond. I appreciate it It sucks because I read so many stories and scenarios here and I still feel very alone. It makes me wonder how any of us even manage with this fear. It's awful. A lot has happened in this past year and I made a lot of great progress but a lot is yet to come and I still don’t feel like I’m going to be able to handle it. When I made that post I was in a serious amount of distress and pain and nothing ever really came of it in the end? The pain just eventually went away and it’s never come back that badly again to this day. I did eventually tell Brooklyn and Jessica. I ended up calling the dentist in tears after I made that post and I jumped a big step ahead on my exposure therapy by getting an x-ray and meeting my hygienist Tami. I had the type where you stand up while biting something. It was weird? My aunty went with me to that appointment. But I was still too scared afterwards to hear the diagnosis so they let me go without talking about it. I was proud of myself for taking that step. The toothache eventually tapered down and went away soon afterwards and it hasn't come back at all since then. It’s crazy because it was so bad. I know it’s stupid to ignore it but what can I say I’m not brave at all.
After that everything basically went according to plan. I went to Brooklyn’s cleaning appointment to watch and see what it was like. That felt okay. It took me 3 tries but after 2 unsuccessful attempts, in November of 2025, I got my first cleaning in 8 years! I was really really proud of myself and I told everyone the good news. I didn’t even cry but Brooklyn cried because she was so proud. The only thing is, I didn’t allow the dentist to come into the room because I was still too afraid and I wasn't able to go through with any scaling. So of course I felt guilty over that. Throughout the next 6 months I mostly just practiced sitting in the operatory room chair in the operating room at the dentist with Brooklyn there to support me and occasionally my aunty. At my dentist procedures are done in a different room than cleanings and I really don’t like that set up because it feels so much more foreboding. I couldn’t just pretend I was going in for a cleaning. This year back in June I had my second cleaning appointment which went well enough. This time I did let my hygienist do some scaling and I did let the dentist examine my teeth but I cried the entire time the dentist was in the room. I’m really scared of her. I finally heard my official diagnosis which is not as bad as I thought it would be but still not great. I have 8 cavities but they're all small and surface level enough that they aren't cause for terrible concern. I don’t need any root canals or teeth pulled. I unfortunately have all 4 wisdom teeth, 3 of them are growing straight but the one on my top left is crooked. I don’t remember if they used the word impacted. I can see them coming in on the bottom but nothing up top yet. It’s possible the intense pain I had was from my crooked wisdom tooth on the upper left.
My issue now is all that’s left to do is get cavities filled and even after all the amazing success I’ve had I’m still more scared than I’ve ever been. I don’t think I can do it and I don’t trust my dental team enough to let myself be sedated or on Ativan. I’ve done so much but I can’t seem to move forward now. Then again a lot has happened. Brooklyn was my rock through all of this and I never went to a single appointment without her. She promised me that she would be there for me through it all. She said “I promise you I will not leave because I can’t imagine how hard it would be for you if suddenly I wasn’t there as your support person.” Now practically overnight she is no longer working with me and I’ve been assigned to a new support person who I barely know. So while I’m mourning this loss of relationship I have to explain 3 years of work to a new person and I don’t see how that's possible. Plus my aunty and I have gotten in a few fights, she has too much going on in her life. She told me she’s happy to help me but I don’t believe her. I haven’t been to the dentist in 3 months or done any exposure therapy in 3 months, not since June. I feel like I’ve lost all my progress, I don't know why. I’m so demoralized and depressed over Brooklyn. She was the first person I really fully trusted with all of these deep feelings. My parents and friends are all people I cannot go to for this kind of vulnerable help. Now I’m 21 and still absolutely cannot go to the dentist by myself. Plus who even knows if the receptionist or hygienist or dentist will be the same. I don’t have it in me to start from scratch with new people it's so frustrating. Brooklyn did all the work and the dentist office doesn't even have my phone number on file because Brooklyn did all the communication. Not only am I crushed because I miss her but without her help on this fear I feel like I’m back at square one. I wish I could feel more connected to people on this forum and not this alone. All anyone ever says to me is "Everyone is scared of the dentist!" Which isn't true and also invalidates a phobia. I feel like the biggest burden to my dentist office. I've never heard anyone in that office has cry as much as I have. I’m supposed to have a conversation with my new peer support worker next week to talk about next steps with the dentist. I don’t know one year later everything is a mess again. At least I’m not in serious pain. If only I had posted an update when I had my first cleaning because I was really proud and happy then lol. I guess I just pictured myself much, much farther along by now.