Called for an Appointment- Now I'm freaking out!

[shamrockerin]

It's kinda funny to me that my parents forced me into going to the dentist my entire childhood, and scolded me whenever I 'misbehaved' (aka was terrified and panicked) there, yet they never seemed to care what I did w/ my teeth after I turned 18.

They never really asked if I was still keeping up w/ appointments, or if I even knew any dentists in whatever area I happened to be living in at various times. My mother recently said casually to me on the phone that I should be "taking advantage" of my dental insurance (which is free from my school job). . .she has no idea what just hearing her say that did to me.

I don't think they ever understood that I was actually terrified, and that I did have some terrible experiences, and that I'm not able to just 'get over' it.

I have never told my parents that I still struggle with this phobia because if they didn't understand then, I doubt they would now.

 

[kitkat]

It's kinda funny to me that my parents forced me into going to the dentist my entire childhood, and scolded me whenever I 'misbehaved' (aka was terrified and panicked) there, yet they never seemed to care what I did w/ my teeth after I turned 18.

They never really asked if I was still keeping up w/ appointments, or if I even knew any dentists in whatever area I happened to be living in at various times. My mother recently said casually to me on the phone that I should be "taking advantage" of my dental insurance (which is free from my school job). . .she has no idea what just hearing her say that did to me.

I don't think they ever understood that I was actually terrified, and that I did have some terrible experiences, and that I'm not able to just 'get over' it.

I have never told my parents that I still struggle with this phobia because if they didn't understand then, I doubt they would now.

I was also forced as a teenager by my mother and after I turned 18 she stopped micro-managing my appointments. Then again I force myself to go regularly now ...not sure how she'd react if I stopped . Knowing me, I'd likely just tell her I'm still going and not really go just to keep her happy and off my back or just completely avoid the subject and hope it never comes up but at the moment, we see the same dentist and I'm on her insurance so that could be challenging!

My mother doesn't know about my fears either. I think she just thinks that I just dislike going and does not recognize the full extent of the terror I would experience every time she told me I had an appointment. She has had her fair share of dental work but has always gone regularly without a problem. In her defense I never technically tried to tell her or I would express my terror with "I'm NEVER going back there!!!" And if she couldn't read between the lines then that's too bad but that's the best I could do at that time to get my point across... not that it ever worked. If anything, it only made matters worse because she started making appointments and not giving me any advance notice about them so I could not find an excuse to get out of them. During my mid-teen years she became a dental nazi! After all of that time she actually tried to take credit for being the reason, I choose to seek regular dental care now...as if she was some saint or parent of the year for instilling great habits in me ...I see a dentist regularly now because I had a very kind and compassionate dentist work through my fears with me once I was forced into the office...the only thing she did was violate my trust and by luck of the draw, chose the right dentist. End rant.

Good luck with your upcoming appointment. Sending all of my positive vibes your way! You deserve a really positive experience with a really good dentist!

 

[griffinej5]

My parents stopped forcing me to do things when I could drive. At that point I took myself to almost all of my doctors unless there was something serious to discuss, or I had to go into the city, which did mean serious discussion. I made my own appointments, if I needed a note out of school I wrote it and they signed it for me so I could be let out. Well, actually, at that point I did have a therapist, and he helped me make appointments because for a while I was very phobic of telephones, and I was phobic of doctors as well. So yeah, I wasn't going to make a phone call, a very traumatic thing, to do something that traumatized me, unless someone made me do it or the situation was really serious. At least I did know why I was phobic of phones, and that did make some sense as to how it happened. I mostly just paid the copays myself, and after we had spent so much for the year, we had none anyway. I don't think my parents knew how much I had avoided it until the broken tooth that forced me to deal with the whole thing.

 

[kitkat]

In my area, doctors and dentists would not see you without parental consent and a parent present so I could never go by myself until I was 18 and could legally sign for myself. If I had the option, I certainly would have though.

 

[shamrockerin]

Unfortunately, it's pretty impossible for me to avoid regular doctor visits (believe me, I've tried).

I've had a hypo-active thyroid since I was about 3 years old, and it requires medication and regular blood tests to see if the TSH level is okay. If I run out of medicine, they will often require a visit to the office or at least a blood test before they refill the prescription. Luckily, I got used to blood tests a long time ago, but any other needle will cause me to panic.

My parents always had to drive me to appointments (I didn't get my license until I was 19). But my mom rarely came into the dental office w/ me b/c she was in the office next door, doing her own appointment. I always felt so alone in there, and it felt like no one was ever "on my side".

My husband is very supportive though, so even though I have terrible memories of doctors/dentists, he always reassures me that he's on my side. And for the past few months I've had an understanding therapist who also lends me support when I need it (impending medical/dental appointments as well as a few other things that are related to them).

Sometimes I feel ok about this upcoming meeting w/ potential new dentists. I feel like I am just going to go in there and say "Look, I know I'm a bad patient to work with. I am nervous and phobic and not into small talk or joking. If you think you can deal with that, then I'll give this a shot, but I don't want to you tell me that you're willing to work w/ me and then lose patience with me someday."

And then other times just thinking about going makes me want (insert something destructive here).

Maybe this weekend I'll drive by the new place, so i can see what it looks like, and bring myself a step closer to dealing with it all.

 

[Tink]

shamrockerin, there's a lot in your recent posts that I can relate to! You're not alone

It's kinda funny to me that my parents forced me into going to the dentist my entire childhood, and scolded me whenever I 'misbehaved' (aka was terrified and panicked) there, yet they never seemed to care what I did w/ my teeth after I turned 18.

They never really asked if I was still keeping up w/ appointments, or if I even knew any dentists in whatever area I happened to be living in at various times. My mother recently said casually to me on the phone that I should be "taking advantage" of my dental insurance (which is free from my school job). . .she has no idea what just hearing her say that did to me.

I don't think they ever understood that I was actually terrified, and that I did have some terrible experiences, and that I'm not able to just 'get over' it.

I have never told my parents that I still struggle with this phobia because if they didn't understand then, I doubt they would now.

My parents really don't get it either - they have no idea what's going on now with me and dentists. When I was young I was always taught to "be good" at the dentist, which basically meant shut up, do what you're told don't make a fuss. I pretty much managed it as a child, since the stuff that caused my phobia came much later, but it left me with that background feeling of "it's supposed to be horrible, and what you are supposed to do is suck it up and deal with it. Do not under any circumstances make a fuss" that I'm still trying very hard to shake.

I had a very bad experience with a dentist a couple of years ago (very short version: the local anaesthetic failed, but he bullied me into having a deep filling anyway with the tooth not numb). After it happened I told my Mum, who said sympathetically "it's not traumatic if they're not wiping blood off the light at the end!" Later on, once I'd found a good dentist and realised just how out of order things were before, I made a complaint about the bully. My Mum's response to that was "How is you being mean to him going to help? Two wrongs don't make a right you know!"

I think there are sometimes things where your parents are the last people who can understand. Even if you have lovely parents who you get on well with, which I do! Happily my husband gets it, as does my new dentist. I'm glad to hear your therapist is supportive too - I've come to the conclusion that it's best to discuss this stuff with the people who Get It, and not with the people who don't. They can bring you down, even if they don't mean to...even if they are your parents (come to think of it, especially if they are your parents!)

I don't want to you tell me that you're willing to work w/ me and then lose patience with me someday.

I can really relate to this bit too! This is exactly what the bully did to me, he switched personalities on me and suddenly became grumpy and impatient. This means that I'm still waiting for my new dentist to do the same, even though all the indications are that that will never happen and two different people who have known him for years have assured me that he only has the one personality...

Last time I was in I actually managed to tell him that, which helped a lot, and I'm gradually starting to feel that I really am safe this time and I really can trust him. He's been very supportive over the stuff about my previous dentist too, which also helps. It's a long process, and I guess it can only really be achieved by sticking around long enough to prove that it's really not going to happen.


Um, not sure how helpful I'm being here! I think I just wanted to say that I understand and you're not alone ...and also to encourage you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, with the right dentist and the right support these things really can improve. I know because I'm in the middle of that process now.

The good dentists do exist, they really are out there, and they really are on your side! I hope this one will turn out to be yours

 

[shamrockerin]

shamrockerin, there's a lot in your recent posts that I can relate to! You're not alone My parents really don't get it either - they have no idea what's going on now with me and dentists. When I was young I was always taught to "be good" at the dentist, which basically meant shut up, do what you're told don't make a fuss. I pretty much managed it as a child, since the stuff that caused my phobia came much later, but it left me with that background feeling of "it's supposed to be horrible, and what you are supposed to do is suck it up and deal with it. Do not under any circumstances make a fuss" that I'm still trying very hard to shake.

Exactly. I am really grateful that there are so many people on this forum that GET IT. I still have this behavior ingrained in me- even if I hate something or am in pain or having a panic attack, instead of crying or telling them to stop, I just keep it all inside because I don't want to cause a scene. That's how i developed my SI tendencies like scratching and gouging myself- it simply a way to cope with it all while still being 'tough'.

This is exactly what the bully did to me, he switched personalities on me and suddenly became grumpy and impatient. This means that I'm still waiting for my new dentist to do the same

Yup. The last dentist I had said specifically on his website that he was good with very nervous patients. At first, he did seem very understanding and nice. But he lost patience w/ me as my phobia persisted and I remained anxious/miserable. . .they don't seem to understand that one or a couple OK experiences are going to make the phobia magically dissipate. It is going to make many appointments that are pain-free and do not make me feel totally ashamed of myself to help the phobia lessen. . .

I have already convinced myself that this dentist is going to follow the same path because I have become so cynical about everything dental-related.

 

[Tink]

Well, if it helps at all, earlier this year I finally cracked and did Make A Fuss. And you know what? Nobody died, the world didn't come to an end, and instead of getting annoyed or laughing at me or just telling me to go away and stop bothering him, the dentist actually offered help. Real help.

(For what it's worth, I didn't make my fuss during the appointment, I seem to be physically incapable of that and I get the impression you might be the same. In the end in mid-meltdown I sent a desperate email to the dentist which basically said, "look, this is how it really is" and my husband made me send it.)

6 months later, he's still patient, still helping and I really am starting to believe that he's going to stay patient. In fact, he keeps reminding me that it will take a while and be a slow process.


So this new dentist you're going to see might not be the type to lose patience at all, he might be like mine!

I know it's easier said than done, I'll be thinking of you!

 

[shamrockerin]

Thanks again, everyone who has been commenting.

My counselor has been helping me deal with the upcoming dental 'meeting' (not exam or anything, just meeting the Dr.)

We have been trying to focus on things I can change/control (what I allow him to do/see in my mouth and when) rather than things I cannot (the chair/instruments/needles/etc). . .

And yesterday I made a list of things I think I can already cope with, even if it's not in the nicest ways. For example, I can cope with their attempts at small talk simply by saying "i don't like to talk during dental appointments. It's not the most polite thing to say, but it will hopefully let me feel a little more in control of the situation. . .

I'm still not convinced that this meeting is going to go at all well, but whatever. . ..

 

[tamlyn]

Thanks everyone. I can honestly say that i am terrified, and the appt is only for a MEETING. I don't even have to sit in the dental chair! All I have to do is meet the Dr and talk with him a little bit about my dental history, if I have any concerns, etc.

It's just a meeting but every time I even think about it I start to panic.

I know my fear makes me look like an immature child, and I know I have alot of fillings and I know I have a crown that is hanging on for dear life and I know I'm a horrible patient to deal with because my attitude towards all things dental-related is so miserable. . .

Just writing down what I'm thinking now is making my heart and my mind race- I guess I'll have plenty to talk about w/ my counselor on Friday

This is such a great site because it's a reminder that you're not alone. I had to make a dentist appointment the other day and I kept putting off, putting it off because it was a confirmation that I actually needed to get in there and get work done. I was SCARED to make and appointment! I literally had to take a deep breath and just do it. It was horrible. I totally feel for you! As scared as I get, the one thing that I keep trying to focus on is the feeling I get when I actually make it through a dental procedure. I feel SO victorious and like I can do Anything, lol. I brag and brag for days, lol. Its such a good feeling

 

[shamrockerin]

This is such a great site because it's a reminder that you're not alone. I had to make a dentist appointment the other day and I kept putting off, putting it off because it was a confirmation that I actually needed to get in there and get work done. I was SCARED to make and appointment! I literally had to take a deep breath and just do it. It was horrible. I totally feel for you! As scared as I get, the one thing that I keep trying to focus on is the feeling I get when I actually make it through a dental procedure. I feel SO victorious and like I can do Anything, lol. I brag and brag for days, lol. Its such a good feeling

Hi Tamlyn. Yes I AM very grateful for this site! Even if I just come on here to complain and vent and express all my fears (again and again and again) it is good to know that I'm not alone.

Scheduling this meeting took me a long time, and it's taking alot out of me to cope with it. Even though I know it's just a meeting and I don't even have to do anything except talk, it's still terrifying.

It's nice that you feel good afterwards, but I cannot say the same. I always feel worse about myself and dentistry after an appointment. No one has ever made the effort to actually alleviate my fears (they just try to deal with me, and they usually lose their patience). I already feel bad that my avoidance made my teeth horrible, and then I feel worse about the phobia as well.

I think it will be a miracle if I ever find a dentist that 1)doesn't lose his patience with me 2)doesn't cause me any physical pain and 3)actually makes me feel better about my teeth