First step: talking

[BreezyCoral]

This feels like the one place where I don't have to feel ashamed, so I'm just going to let some things out.

The details, the history, those aren't important. But I know it's not a good situation, and not sustainable.

I know, in the broad sense, what I need to do. But I don't know how - I don't know how to reach out, I don't know how to explain my needs, I don't know how to find a compassionate care team. (I had one, once, someone who believed in me and was super patient with my fear and avoidance and celebrated the successes we did manage to get - but they left that practice, and the practice never got in touch with me other than to text generic reminders, and I don't think it would be ethical to try to find that specific provider again. And it makes me cry to think of what I lost with that.)

I don't feel like I can just call a place and make an appointment - I want a conversation with them. Can you do that? Can you say I'd like half an hour to just talk about my situation and I understand that's not really billable to my insurance, maybe just charge me the fee for a missed appointment, because I know their time is valuable? I can't just say I need a cleaning and let them imagine that this will be a routine encounter. I've drafted some emails because it doesn't seem fair to bombard some poor receptionist with all my concerns, but hitting send is as scary as making a phone call. I don't know why. Maybe something about the idea about the way it commits me to a course of action.

I don't know precisely what I'm afraid of. I know about discomfort and inconvenience, and that's unpleasant but I don't think that's what I fear. I know about costs, or at least I have the understanding that they may be very high, but I can figure that out - I'll feel guilty that my carelessness and fear is costing so much, but that's not what paralyzes me. Being treated with disrespect, that's in the fear mix for sure. I don't want to be lectured and shamed over past inaction that can't be changed - that is a big one; I know I've messed up and making me feel bad about it is not productive or helpful - I want a provider who would be able to understand that me being in their building at all is a victory to be celebrated. I'm afraid that if I cry or act like a little kid, I'll be looked down upon, thought of as difficult. Not knowing what to expect - am I salvageable? If so it's not going to be easy; if not I don't think that'll be easy either. And either way, it's not a one time thing and then it's over with - it'll be a series of visits, being afraid over and over again, and then a whole lifetime of not falling back into old habits.

And I'm so tired of being afraid. Tired of this being top of my mind from the minute I get up.

I don't want to be forced or frightened into taking action - I understand, in fact, that my choices have been poor and that they can have real negative consequences. Saying so will only scare me more, and I need to be as calm and unworried as possible when I finally take action.

I just want to know that I can do this. And how to start.

I'm turning off email notifications for this for right now, so I don't have to look back to it at unexpected moments - but I will be checking in regularly and reading other people's stories when I'm feeling brave.

 

[MagicDuck12]

This feels like the one place where I don't have to feel ashamed, so I'm just going to let some things out.

The details, the history, those aren't important. But I know it's not a good situation, and not sustainable.

I know, in the broad sense, what I need to do. But I don't know how - I don't know how to reach out, I don't know how to explain my needs, I don't know how to find a compassionate care team. (I had one, once, someone who believed in me and was super patient with my fear and avoidance and celebrated the successes we did manage to get - but they left that practice, and the practice never got in touch with me other than to text generic reminders, and I don't think it would be ethical to try to find that specific provider again. And it makes me cry to think of what I lost with that.)

I don't feel like I can just call a place and make an appointment - I want a conversation with them. Can you do that? Can you say I'd like half an hour to just talk about my situation and I understand that's not really billable to my insurance, maybe just charge me the fee for a missed appointment, because I know their time is valuable? I can't just say I need a cleaning and let them imagine that this will be a routine encounter. I've drafted some emails because it doesn't seem fair to bombard some poor receptionist with all my concerns, but hitting send is as scary as making a phone call. I don't know why. Maybe something about the idea about the way it commits me to a course of action.

I don't know precisely what I'm afraid of. I know about discomfort and inconvenience, and that's unpleasant but I don't think that's what I fear. I know about costs, or at least I have the understanding that they may be very high, but I can figure that out - I'll feel guilty that my carelessness and fear is costing so much, but that's not what paralyzes me. Being treated with disrespect, that's in the fear mix for sure. I don't want to be lectured and shamed over past inaction that can't be changed - that is a big one; I know I've messed up and making me feel bad about it is not productive or helpful - I want a provider who would be able to understand that me being in their building at all is a victory to be celebrated. I'm afraid that if I cry or act like a little kid, I'll be looked down upon, thought of as difficult. Not knowing what to expect - am I salvageable? If so it's not going to be easy; if not I don't think that'll be easy either. And either way, it's not a one time thing and then it's over with - it'll be a series of visits, being afraid over and over again, and then a whole lifetime of not falling back into old habits.

And I'm so tired of being afraid. Tired of this being top of my mind from the minute I get up.

I don't want to be forced or frightened into taking action - I understand, in fact, that my choices have been poor and that they can have real negative consequences. Saying so will only scare me more, and I need to be as calm and unworried as possible when I finally take action.

I just want to know that I can do this. And how to start.

I'm turning off email notifications for this for right now, so I don't have to look back to it at unexpected moments - but I will be checking in regularly and reading other people's stories when I'm feeling brave.

Hi BreezyCoral

I must say that for all my phobias relating to dentistry, no one has ever made me feel inferior or judged me over my teeth. I can say that very honestly that everyone ive dealt with has wanted to help. Particularly more so as an adult as well actually. I dont think this will be an issue at all, and if it is an issue and anyone does give off those vibes, definitely dont go to them.

I do totally agree with the situation you describe that its not a one time thing, like a surgery to fix something and its done. Its a long term commitment that you keep having to go back over and over again. Ive described it akin to a prison sentence, thats how it feels to me. I hate it to be honest and ive said so in other threads.

As much as id like to just never go, the sensible part of my brain recognises i have to. So i console myself and tell myself its for the greater good.

Unless youre in unbearable pain, I dont think there will be any pressure into immediate treatments, if in fact any are needed. They may not be. Is there any reason to think there will be?

I do think many dentists will accomodate a chat with you initially, that should be a bonus.

I think you CAN do this. Please let us know how it goes. I think the initial discussion is one thing that i think reading your post, youl will do fine with. If theres any treatments needed after that, lets take it from there and come up with a strategy to get through that

 

[letsconnect]

I had one, once, someone who believed in me and was super patient with my fear and avoidance and celebrated the successes we did manage to get - but they left that practice, and the practice never got in touch with me other than to text generic reminders, and I don't think it would be ethical to try to find that specific provider again. And it makes me cry to think of what I lost with that.

Hi BreezyCoral, what makes you think that tracking down the dentist you liked would be unethical? If they haven't moved too far away, that would be the logical choice, no?

Of course, if you cannot track them down, it's not the end of the world... any dentist who has a true interest in helping people with dental fears will be happy to offer a meeting just for a chat (most dentists would charge for this, but you mentioned that you'd be happy to pay that, so no problems there).

You can find lots of tips for finding a dentist here:

How to find a dentist for nervous patients

Discover how to find a dentist who is good with nervous, scared or phobic patients - and who to avoid!

www.dentalfearcentral.org

You may also find this patient form which helps to convey your fears to potential dentists helpful:

https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/media/patient-form.pdf