In pain and don't know what to do

[ace]

Hello
I have just found this forum today, and am hoping it will help me.
As a child I would go to the dentist every 4 months, and then every 6 months as an adult. I have always been frightened of going to the dentist. As a child the dentist I had was very experienced, and good at his job, but he was also quite impatient and had no time for my screams and crying when I was in pain during a filling. He retired when I was 15, and I was so pleased to see the back of him.
A new dentist then came and wasn't as bad, then he left and was replaced by a much younger dentist who was very friendly and patient. Perfect for me in fact. The trouble was, my childhood memories still haunted me, and I got to the point where I was told at an appointment I needed a filling. Just one filling, and a small one at that. I was really scared, and when I went to have it done, as I left I didn't feel the usual relief of knowing it was all over, but only a thought of I'd have to do it all again in 6 months time.
A month later, I then bit into something and became aware I now needed a filling in a tooth. This was the first time that had ever happened. Previously it was always a mystery as to what I may need doing, but now I knew. Then the same thing happened again with another tooth. So now 2 fillings that I knew about months before my next appointment. I was really scared at this point and also in some pain, but now there was no way I could face going to the dentist again. When my appointment card came, I rang and cancelled and never re-arranged. Consequently I haven't been to the dentist for 15 years now. My teeth are in an awful mess and I am in pain much of the time. My wisdom teeth are also overgrown and need removing, but I am so scared now I can't even think about doing anything. I am too scared even to tell anyone, family or friends, let alone try and find a dentist.
I haven't even thought about the cost element, which will be another problem, only the pain and the fear.
I don't know what the solution is in my case, but if anyone can offer any suggestions I would be grateful.
Many thanks.

 

[anna9]

hi,
i understand hiw you are feeling. i am mega scared of the dentist until may just gone i had not been for 8 years but lately i have been in agony with my teeth everyday day and night to the point of not sleeping and not eating because i was in sso much pain. i lastrd around 3 years in pain on amd off and in the end it took me a lot of thought and courage and i made an appointment i went and he told me i needed 3 fillings and 8 extracions and i just wanted to die i never ever imagined having to have anything done!!!! so i went for my fillings and honestly it was a breeze the injections didnt hurt atall and was not anywhere near as ba as in my head. last week i had my first extracion and i didnt have a great time but it wernt that bad eithee.
i know its easier said than done just do it. the thought of me sitting in a dentist chair having god noes wat done in my mouth made me so scared but i just had enough ofthe pain i thought once its done its done there will be no more pain. it really is nothing trust me find a nice caring dentist that will take things at your pace and understand your fears and concerns.
i hope you can find the courage to see a dentist you will feel sooo much better believe me. good luck private message me if you have any questions or you want someone to talk too.

 

[Steve In Cleveland]

Hi ace. I completely empathize with your problem. It's embarrassing and frightening how such a small event like avoiding a filling can snowball into worse and worse problems, and more and more fear. But it happens, and you're definitely not alone here. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, "Just go get the filling! It's just going to get worse if you don't do anything!" But the nature of the phobia is that it's really hard to listen to that rational voice, and the crazy irrational fear part takes over.

I think you've taken a brave first step in posting here and sharing your story. It may seem like a small thing but it's a step forward and it takes a lot of courage, so good job. I'd encourage you to read some of the success stories and journals on this forum, to help you know that you're not alone. My teeth have broken and rotted from years of neglect, and I got to a point where I would rather have died than facing the dentist. My problem seemed unsolvable and all-consuming. I'm happy to tell you that when I finally faced my fears, I found a compassionate dentist who didn't judge or lecture me, and she's been working with me to slowly restore my smile-- and I can now go to the dentist calmly, and I know firsthand that even complex procedures are completely painless or nearly painless. There's a ton of people here who have been where you are and are now working towards fixing their teeth, and can echo my experience that it is possible to get through.

Unfortunately, there's no easy set of instructions I can give you to get from here to there. Everyone's journey is a little different, but here's some general themes:

• Keep posting and keep reading on this forum and site. It's a very supportive, compassionate group, and all of us know what you're going through because we've been there ourselves. Telling your story and reading others' stories will reinforce the fact that you're not the worst person in the world, you don't have the worst teeth in the world, and that you can beat the phobia.
• Try to avoid looking up dental stuff on the general web. (I'm not affiliated with or compensated by dentalfearcentral, just a fellow phobic who enjoys getting and giving support). It's easy to stumble on articles or videos that end up scaring the @#$@ out of you, and most of the time they won't pertain to you anyway. All of the posting here is done by phobics or people who are sensitive to phobics, so the posts tend to avoid graphic descriptions or horror stories.
• As you post, try to describe your fears in as much detail as you can, and ask lots of questions. You can't get a diagnosis online, but the members here can share first-hand experience with how they deal with your particular phobia, and again can give you hope that you can have a certain fear and still get help. I know it probably feels like the problem is so big that the answer is "everything!" but see if you can describe the monster so we can help you slay it.
• When you're ready, a lot of people here have had luck calling or emailing various dentists and describing their fears and condition. Some dentists are much better than others at dealing with fearful patients, and providing a compassionate, safe environment. Sharing your deep dark secret with the dentist ahead of time, and knowing that they aren't going to berate or lecture you, can really help you feel safe about going into the office. There are a lot of dentists out there who are really good at putting their patients at ease, and finding one who will work with you and treat you with compassion will make all the difference.
• Don't feel like you have to fix everything at once, or get overwhelmed by the amount of work you need done. You can start by scheduling an appointment with a compassionate dentist to just do an exam, and if you can tolerate it, x-rays. This will allow the dentist to see what needs done and work with you on priorities. I was certain that the minute they got me in the chair, the dentist would freak out and start demanding to fix things. The reality, even with a mouth full of really horrible teeth, was that we just talked about what could be done and what was a priority, and then it was my call what to do and when to schedule it. Some people just want it over with; me, I prefer to do a little at a time-- it's all I can tolerate and all I can afford. But I always tell my dentist what work to do-- never the other way around.

Most of all, I can just tell you that however horrible you think your teeth are, and however all-consuming your fears are, there are treatments and techniques out there for restoring your smile, and eliminating your pain. And you won't believe it, but really there's almost no pain at all involved in getting dental work done, even major procedures.

What's done is done, and you can't go back and un-neglect your teeth. But you can start moving towards fixing and restoring them (and most of the time, the diagnosis is nowhere near as bad as you think it will be!), and you can get back to the point where you have decent healthy teeth. Hang in there, and lean on us here, and breathe deep, and take baby-steps, and so on.

Great job getting started, and here's to day one of changing course and moving a little tiny bit towards getting better.

 

[JayCee]

Ace
I'm so glad you have found this forum. I first posted on here a bit over 3 years ago and asked for suggestions for a sympathetic dentist near my home. I had been phobic for over 40 years and had visited a dentist maybe 6 times in all those years. I spent a lot of time reading through other people's stories and advice. You find the same comments and fears appearing in everyone's posts, we are ashamed, embarrassed, think we are the worst patient the dentist will have ever seen. A lot of us worry about loss of control and taking the big step to put ourselves in the hands of someone else. I knew that the only way I could take back the control was by going to the dentist at the time I chose rather than getting into an emergency state which had happened when I was a teenager. (Also I did not want to become an embarrassment to my granddaughter as my mother had been.)

So after a long, long time of putting off taking the first step, finding every reason under the sun do do something much more important, I finally composed a very lengthy email telling my story, with all my fears in great detail and sent it off to a suggested dental practice.

I received a very reassuring reply and rang for a quick appointment (I knew that if it was left a long time I would chicken out). Well, long story slightly shorter, 7 months downline I have had almost all the work done that was needed (much less than I could have imagined). The feeling of relief is immense. I still can't join in with the chit chat with others about going to the dentist etc, but I can now tolerate walking into the dentist's. I hope you take heart from others' comments and advice on here. I don't know where you live but hope you ask for suggestions of dentists in you area (there is I think a separate section on the website for recommendations).

Good luck.

 

[ace]

Thankyou very much to all of you for your replies.
I am in tears reading through them, such is my pain both physically and mentally about all of this.

How any dentist will react to a 38 year old man behaving this way is impossible to imagine, but today I'm going to start the process of finding out.
I live in Manchester, England, so if anyone knows any good dentists round there I'd be glad to hear.

Thanks again for your help.

 

[Kim]

Hi Ace

Have you checked out this site for recommendations? If not, have a nosey, and see what you can find.

You will know when you have found the right dentist for you, and any good, kind and compassionate dentist will treat you like you deserve to be treated and certainly won't judge you. Don't go in with the thought of the first person you see will be the right person just because their website look good etc. You will get a 'feeling' for the dentist, and go with your gut instinct. I had three consultations before I settled with my current dentist, and believe me, initially I certainly wouldn't have contemplated that one when I started out. It was because I (eventually) heeded advice given to me on here, and reflecting on what and how the first two dentists had been with me, that I went for my third consultation, and I am so glad I did, as Lincoln and his nurse Jean plus all the other staff have been fantastic with me.

I hope you can get the ball rolling soon, for your own peace of mind. Take care, take deep breaths and go for it.

Kim x

 

[1iora]

Sorry this is a book, I wanted to include some first hand experiences in case that will help you at all.

My dad recently went to the dentist for the first time in 30 years. He hates them. He ended up having to get a root canal for an old cavity, but he says it wasn't that bad. He'd had one way-back-when and says that one was awful- that may be why he hasn't been back in so long.

But everything's different from the last time you went! You can even find a dentist that uses completely different tools - rather than the traditional scraper and brush thing they have them that use a little hose to clean you with water, etc.

I just got my wisdom teeth out, all four. I was supposed to get them out last year but I had an awful experience with the first oral surgeon and left in tears without having anything done. I finally got up the nerve to do it. I was harsh with the oral surgeon as a defense-mechanism. I explained why my attitude was bad, and he wasn't pleased or super-compassionate, but he did answer all of my excessive questions and so I left at ease, though feeling like he had the personality of a wet rag, and embarrassed with myself. You should try to treat people well all the time, but if you're really struggling with something and it's reflecting in your attitude, then if you explain why, the dentist is going to understand. With my being like, more or less, "listen here, I expect you to answer my questions and I expect you to answer honestly and to the point. I know you're busy, so anything complicated that I don't understand I'll write down and look up." I felt more like I was being listened to. I told him I was sorry for freaking out and thanked him, but that was as polite as I could muster at the time.

When I went in for my procedure I felt like I knew everything to expect as the result of my caustic request at the consultation, and that helped a lot. I'm sure he would have answered my questions if I'd been more pleasant too, but... like I said, it's a defense. People understand that you're human. The surgeon acted like I hadn't been difficult the last time I was in, but kept on fully answering my questions past the layman extent.

People are right about it being important that you go to someone you trust. You'll feel more in control of the situation and more comfortable with the procedures. You can go on Yelp or sites like that and read reviews for dentists. The oral surgeon I picked was nice to someone's little kid, and his 5 other reviews were perfect-scores too. That made me feel more at ease. Another thing you can do is schedule a consultation (you can find places that offer them for free) or ask to speak to the doctor on the phone before you go to an appointment. Don't go in expecting the doctor to be absolutely perfect, but do expect that they'll understand where you're coming from and help you feel like you're in good hands. Take it one step at a time. First go in for a consultation, and see what needs to be done. Inhale, exhale, be proud that you've accomplished that much. Go on from there.

Another thing to keep in mind is there's a decent chance you won't need as much work done as you think you do. Cavemen didn't have dentists, but they did have teeth. If our bodies fell apart without maintenance we would have died out a long time ago. The pain might be associated with those two existing cavities and not with new problems. I started getting a sharp pain in a tooth by one of the ones I was having extracted, and I thought that because I didn't get them out when the dentist told me I should I'd caused damage to the nerves of the other tooth and would need a root canal. The oral surgeon told me that the good tooth's nerves were most likely just inflamed and it would settle down once I had the bad tooth out.

The cost thing sucks - I know exactly how you feel. You can find places that are less expensive and good quality at the same time. But don't put it off, the costs will just get worse as your conditions get more complicated and that'll just give you more to be anxious about. Something to consider is going to a dental clinic at a university, but dentists-in-training might not have great bedside manner, and although they're close to the end of their education it still might add to your anxiety to have a student working in your mouth. Another thing is sometimes medical will cover part of these procedures, and sometimes you can find special programs eg if you're low income, or clinical trials. My school had a free wisdom tooth extraction (sadly before I needed mine out - that's a place I trust so it would have been easy) if you used a mouthwash that they thought might prevent complications. Stuff like that is out there. You may prefer to go to a private place that will let you be asleep for even basic dentistry. It might help to make a list and weigh the pro's and con's of different options, including not getting it done at all. That might help you convince yourself to bite the bullet.

And one last thing: Think how good you'll feel when you get it done. You'll probably have some pain at first, yeah. But it will go away, unlike the current pain. Not only will you no longer have this nagging worry and nagging pain, but you'll have accomplished something to be proud of. Lots of people are afraid to go to the dentist (look at this forum!) and it's not something to be ashamed of; it's a natural reaction to potential pain and to something that you don't fully understand. When you have a fear and you're able to bring yourself away from it, and get something done that's so frightening for you that you've been living with pain for 15 years rather than doing it, that's an extraordinary accomplishment. And I bet you anything when you tell your friends and family they'll be supportive of you. They love you, and they'll have wished you'd done it sooner, but they'll be so happy and proud that you're doing it now. Promise. (plus, one or two of them probably go to a place they love!)

 

[JayCee]

I wouldn't call it a book 1iora , ok not short, but full of relevant stuff!! Particularly the last paragraph. I am delighted to say that I no longer have bad dreams connected to teeth/dentists etc, even on the night before an appointment, and I was having quite a lot before I took the plunge. The weight off your mind is HUGE. At the risk of sounding like a stuck record, it will never be as bad as you think it will. Good luck Ace.

 

[letsconnect]

I live in Manchester, England, so if anyone knows any good dentists round there I'd be glad to hear.

I don't know of any personally, but a few days ago I came across this really interesting looking website:

Dentists

The Dental Health Centre offers leading dental care in Didsbury, Heatons, Withington and Cheadle. Contact our dentists for treatment.

www.didsburydentalhealth.com

It's in Didsbury, Manchester, and the dentist (Nicola Owen) used to be scared of dentists herself and is also trained as a counsellor.

Thought I'd post this here in case you're still reading and looking for someone .

 

[ace]

Letsconnect, thankyou very much indeed for that link.
I may have heard of this centre but not known anything about it. Some of these places I'm a little wary of as sometimes their answers are such as hypnosis, etc, which wouldn't be right, but that doesn't look like the case here.
To be able to speak to a dentist who has actually experienced their own fear of the dentist would be fantastic. It would be interesting to hear how she herself overcame her fears and how she could help me, so I will look into this.
I did look at a local one to me which would have been an ideal location, but it seems they are out to exploit nervous patients. They say they have a dentist who specialises in nervous patients, but they quoted ridiculous prices for sedation and seemed to be pushing it as the only answer. I think there are a few places like this, so something to look out for if it happens.
Anyway I'll look into this one and see what, if anything, they can do to help me.
Many thanks again.

 

[brit]

Thankyou very much to all of you for your replies.
I am in tears reading through them, such is my pain both physically and mentally about all of this.

How any dentist will react to a 38 year old man behaving this way is impossible to imagine, but today I'm going to start the process of finding out.
I live in Manchester, England, so if anyone knows any good dentists round there I'd be glad to hear.

Thanks again for your help.

The North West dentist finder is here: https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/forum/forums/north-west.30/
Good luck.
If you could get to Liverpool Andrew Healey comes highly recommended and he prefers TLC and trust over sedation and also gets rated as painfree.