Losing tooth - fear and shame

[jbkb]

Hi, this is my first post on this site. I went to the dentist about a year ago after avoiding it for years due to fear. I take good care of my teeth and basically thought if I kept brushing and flossing I could avoid going back, indefinitely. I was basically forced to go, as an old filling broke. I psyched myself up and went. My dentist took a look, said it was easy to repair and went ahead. It was actually okay. I then promised myself I'd go regularly. And thought I'd gotten over my fear, to some degree at least.

Six or so months later, I go back, genuinely expecting things would be fine. Dentist decided to take an X-ray to check on a 12 year old crown I have on my front lower left molar, which he said looked a bit dodgy. Even then, I just thought the worst he could say was he'd have to replace it. To my shock, he casually told me the crown was 'buggered' and it would fail in the not too distant future, and the remainder of the tooth would have to be removed. I asked what my options would be then, and he said 'ah, most people just get used to it. You can get an implant, but it's really expensive. You probably won't even miss it.' I think he was trying to be reassuring in his own way, by acting like it was no big deal. So I was too embarrassed to make a fuss. But I was horrified at the idea of it, both at having the treatment and at having people know I'd lost a tooth. He said we'd leave the crown for now and see how long it lasted.

Months and months later, I have since built the whole thing up in my head to be this huge and terrifying ordeal I'll have to go through. I am the sort of person who everyone thinks is effortlessly confident and in control. People rely on me; financially, at work, emotionally. In fact, one of my friends enlisted me to go with her to get her wisdom teeth out as she trusted me to be calm about it all and calm her down ... I am so ashamed of this fear and anxiety I have, I've not told anyone. I feel like I'll be judged not only on skipping the dentist and on losing my tooth but on being so scared.

Back to the tooth... The crown is now slightly loose and the gum around it sore and sometimes bleeding... I've lost half a stone in about a week as I'm too scared to eat properly and panic it'll come out and I'll have to face what's underneath... I had a panic attack at the thought of going to my 'normal' dentist and having to act like it was all no big deal, whilst freaking out inside. So I found a private dentist who specialises in phobic patients and made an appointment for next week. Even though I think this dentist will (obviously) be sympathetic, as she actually specialises in dealing with frightened patients, I still can't relax. I can't sleep and feel constantly on the verge of tears. I don't want to go through it alone but I don't feel there's anyone I can tell. The fear and shame of it is overwhelming. How do I get through this???

 

[littlething]

Hi and welcome! Try not to be ashamed, it happens to the best of us. You will even find many people who have had to get teeth removed through no fault of their own (because of an accident, or a fracture, lots of reasons).

I get how you feel though, because I am having 4 teeth extracted in April, because of decay, and it is embarrassing. I also hate showing weakness, so I always try to put up a front that makes it seem like I have it all together. I am also getting braces, and when I tell people that I have to get extractions, they just assume it's just to make space in my mouth, but I have to admit that, well, that's part of the reason, but the real reason is that those teeth are hopeless and need to come out. Even talking about how many fillings I had to get (12) is embarrassing. I always feel like I'm surrounded with people with "perfect" teeth, so to admit that I let things get so bad is embarrassing and I'm always afraid of what people are going to think, but I've found that most people don't care (or they sympathize and tell you about how much work they're had done themselves). If it's not even a visible tooth, people won't know unless you tell them, anyway.

Finding a dentist that will work with you and your fears will be half the battle. It sounds like you've found a good one. A good dentist won't judge or make you feel bad. My mouth was a giant mess when I showed up to my first appointment in 20+ years, but my dentist didn't bat an eye, and assured me that he wasn't there to judge and all he wanted to do was help me. I just had a consultation this morning with the oral surgeon who will be doing the extractions, and he didn't bat an eye either. I have been really nervous about these extractions, but he has assured me that it is a pretty simple procedure. Most of the time you are there, you will just be sitting there waiting to get numb. You will read countless stories on this board about how terrified people were for their extractions, but it was no big deal. So, yes, I'm still nervous about them, but I feel a lot better about them then I did 6 months ago when I started getting back on the path to dental health.

Good luck and all the best to you

 

[AsaGohan]

I totally get the sadness part. I'm still sad that I lost one of my molars at 29, but I also realize that the tooth that used to be there was decayed and looked awful, and was one bite away from falling apart. Right now I have the implant screw in, but I'm waiting on the crown to be put on. Honestly, it looks better. it sucks to lose a tooth, but more people has lost their teeth than you realize. My former boss has an implant tooth, right in the front! I had no idea the 5 years I worked for her! Even lately, I've noticed that people don't notice unless I open my mouth and cheek to show them the implant. It's nothing to be ashamed of, your leftover tooth is just being stupid. You'll also be able to eat better too! I had problems eating too.

 

[jbkb]

Hi and thanks so much for your reply. I didn't get an email alert telling me about the message so I've only just seen it to reply to

I know what that is like, feeling as if everyone around you has perfect teeth! Via various random comments, I have come to realise that most people I know with really nice teeth have had work done - either veneers or braces/whitening. And I am really lucky to be able to afford private treatment. It'll eat up much of my savings, but it's worth it!

I am trying to keep your words in mind, particularly that most people either don't care, or have had work done themselves. I am a big believer that bad experiences can make us more sensitive and caring people, as we can empathise with others. It's one way of putting a positive spin on it. So I'm hoping that I come through it more able to help others in the same situation.

Good luck with your extractions and braces! A girl I went to college with (so 10+ years ago) finally had braces in her twenties after years of dental phobia and her teeth now look amazing! So I'm sure your smile will look great in the end

Thanks again very much )

 

[jbkb]

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. Yes I recently found out a friend of mine fainted in her teens and snapped her front two teeth right off... She has had crowns since and I never even knew, in fact I thought her teeth were naturally very nice and straight! So there you go.

I do hope an implant is an option for me once I've had it removed and it's healed. You must be so excited to get the crown done and have a tooth there again

I've been reading others' stories of losing multiple teeth, or all their teeth, and feel lucky to only be losing one. It is especially sad how tooth decay seems almost arbitrary in some cases, even when people take care of their teeth. My older brother and I have a few fillings each - and I obviously a crown. Our younger brother doesn't even floss and he's never had a filling, his dentist says he's just blessed with super strong teeth..! Hard not to be annoyed, when you've always taken such care! Ah well

Thanks again and good luck with your implant... May we all achieve healthy happy smiles