Parent won't go to the dentist, any advice would be great

[frostgirl]

I don't think my mum has been to a dentist in over 16 years, she stopped taking me to a dentist when I was only 5 or 6 years old (I'm 22 now). And thanks to this forum, I took myself for the first time in a long time last year. Luckily, I had no problems.

My mum on the other hand, has a lot of visibly broken teeth. She's got quite a few teeth broken at the gum line. Tonight she's asked me to order her some veneers/fake teeth off Amazon, which I really can't condone. She's never seemed bothered about it before, but now she's asked me to do that.

When she's mentioned in the past, the reason she doesn't go to the dentist is because the smell makes her pass out, but I think she might be scared. She doesn't seem scared and she can talk about teeth and dentists fine. But I think she might be a bit scared.

I've seen her suffer with an abscess or two in the past 5 years or so, that she's gone to a GP to get antibiotics and not to a dentist, and all I want her to do is go to a dentist to get things sorted out. But I know she's a grown woman and she can do what she likes, I'm just concerned about her. She likes to make soft things to eat because she doesn't have many teeth that she can chew with. I don't know what to do. She can be quite an aggressive person and I want to say to her that I won't order the veneers/fake teeth off Amazon for her because she needs to go to the dentist, but I'm terrified she's going to smack me (she has done on a few occasions).

Any advice would be greatly welcomed.

I know it's down to her, just I want some advice on what I can do to help her.

 

[Sevena]

I totally understand wanting to help your mum - anyone would. But in my experience it is nigh-on impossible to force people to do something they don't want to do.

If the smell really made her pass out, there would be ways around that. She could rub some nice-smelling oil or cream under her nose for instance, and ask the dentist to allow her to reapply them during the appointment.

But she probably is scared. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is tell her that her fears can be addressed (many dentists are trained to work with nervous patients), and let her know you would be happy to go with her and support her if she ever decides to try. But unless she does decide, you probably can't make her, as she is an adult. It's not your responsibility to force her either. Sometimes we have to accept that our loved ones will make bad choices to their own detriment. It sucks.

It's not right that she hits you though! If you don't live with her, you should let her know it's not acceptable and go for a period of lower contact if she ever does it. If you do live with her, then I would suggest trying to rectify that if possible. No one deserves to be hit, ever!

Hope this helped

 

[frostgirl]

Thanks Sevena, your words have helped

I think I'm just going to leave her be for the time being, if she brings it up again, I will kindly suggest that she might want to think about making a dentist appointment. I would never try to force her to do anything, she's quite stubborn and I don't want to push her over the edge and set her off into a bad mood.

I know it's her life and her decision, so I'll leave her to it. If she does mention it, I will say I will go with her if she wants me to, when she's ready.

I do still live with her, but she hasn't smacked me in a few years, I'm just terrified she's going to lash out and smack me if I suggest something to her. Problem is I can't really afford to move out.

Thanks though Sevena, your words have helped

 

[frostgirl]

I caved. I ordered them for her. I didn't say anything. I feel sorry for her. I asked her if she was okay, but she said she's fine. I couldn't even mention it to her.

 

[Sevena]

It's okay. It's not your responsibility to fix your mum. She will be alright. Maybe the veneers she bought will bring her some joy and confidence back. Real life is shades of grey and sometimes the best result isn't what we get.

If you ever feel the moment is right, you can try say something like "if you ever want to go to the dentist, I'd be happy to find you a good dentist for people who have issues going, and to go with you too" and leave it at that. Real casual, just so she knows the offer is there.

 

[frostgirl]

Thanks Sevena, I'll try that if I feel the moment is right.

I hope they do bring her a bit of joy and confidence back.

 

[tazey]

I know what you mean my dad has pretty bad/broken teeth its noticable+is a concern,he did see a dentist a while back (like a mobile unit)+they gave him some numbers of surgerys he could go to/join if they had room but his other health issues have kinda taken over at the mo. The issues I'm having at the mo prob don't help+im not trying to put him off just got to hope when the other things settle down he'll go again.