The fear of being annoying

[krlovesherkids777]

So no matter how far I come in some of my dental fears , there is always one fear my inner critic is willing to chime in on and that is being annoying.. Did I ask too many questions?, weird questions?, did I call too much ?, did I look stupid in the waiting room or the chair?, did I drool too much in the treatment ? .. or make a funny noise? or too sentimental or crying at the news? or make a weird face or my teeth are too bad . any number of reasons.. even if I brought treats , was that totally annoying someone would bring treats..

Sometimes there is no indication that it is annoying to them, and really they are not , its just my own inner critic. My last dentist I even presented this to him and told him I was afraid of being annoying and he reassured me in very kind way so I felt better with him but would feel I annoyed the receptionist then..

In the past, when someone would be very quick with me, it was taken as oh, yeah they are annoyed and want me out of here and just do not like me at all, or they would make faces, and seem condescending that did not help this factor at all and well, I have left all those offices.

I'm working on silencing my inner critic and realizing that though I might guess things to annoy people, well maybe they are used to it.. maybe they know how to deal with it, maybe they really do care and aren't annoyed at all. It really helps having dentists that are good with anxious patients and know a little what to expect in our actions and mentality and can be reassuring.

Anyways, I just think this is a real fear so wanted to put it out there.

 

[Scared all the time]

So no matter how far I come in some of my dental fears , there is always one fear my inner critic is willing to chime in on and that is being annoying.. Did I ask too many questions?, weird questions?, did I call too much ?, did I look stupid in the waiting room or the chair?, did I drool too much in the treatment ? .. or make a funny noise? or too sentimental or crying at the news? or make a weird face or my teeth are too bad . any number of reasons.. even if I brought treats , was that totally annoying someone would bring treats..

Sometimes there is no indication that it is annoying to them, and really they are not , its just my own inner critic. My last dentist I even presented this to him and told him I was afraid of being annoying and he reassured me in very kind way so I felt better with him but would feel I annoyed the receptionist then..

In the past, when someone would be very quick with me, it was taken as oh, yeah they are annoyed and want me out of here and just do not like me at all, or they would make faces, and seem condescending that did not help this factor at all and well, I have left all those offices.

I'm working on silencing my inner critic and realizing that though I might guess things to annoy people, well maybe they are used to it.. maybe they know how to deal with it, maybe they really do care and aren't annoyed at all. It really helps having dentists that are good with anxious patients and know a little what to expect in our actions and mentality and can be reassuring.

Anyways, I just think this is a real fear so wanted to put it out there.

I can relate to this somewhat, going through my issues in December, I wish I was more like your describing with asking questions. My fear I guess was not annoying them with I think they would have thought were annoying dumb questions. When I mentioned about saying the tooth my dentist just sort of said well the pockets deep and head dentist is going to wonder why no deep scaling was ever done I mean really? Then she walked out and sent the hygienist in to answer some questions. I mean really? Here I sit terrified of this infection that’s not going away and radiating to my jaw and you walk out like I’m annoying you? I guess if I was more like your describing yourself where you “think “ your annoying then I would feel better now about a lot of thing that happened. What I’m saying I guess is I wished I asked and waited for all the answers to all the questions running through my mind until I was satisfied instead of fearing I would bother them with dumb questions. So my opinion to this post is ask away! And if they act annoyed answering take a break from them and walk the heck out. I do wished I did took me 2 months to find this voice had I found it sooner I’d have felt better I was too afraid if I asked a lot of questions they’d get mad at me for questioning them. Seems maybe in hindsight I was right a little but still wished I had more of a voice.

 

[krlovesherkids777]

Scared,

This is SUCH a great perspetive on this.. absolutely.. to not be afraid and ask away no matter what and not fear being annoying but getting our answers and peace. YeS ,on all this!

 

[Judythecat]

This is one thing I am actually good at! I might feel embarrassed or like I am being a pain, but I also know that if I walk out without asking what I need, it will be detrimental to my mental health, and also that I will end up needing to go back, which would be more inconvenient. I am exactly the same with other professionals - eg, we had a plumber doing work a few months ago, our cat has had to have (dental!) treatment at the vet over the past few weeks. I got the impression the vet thought I was a nuisance, but too bad - we paid her £700, so I expected her to take five minutes to talk through everything with me.

In my job, students often apologise for asking things they perceive as silly, for needing to come and see me in my office, or wanting extra reassurance and help. I tell them I would 100% rather they did this than felt lost or unprepared. In that case, I wouldn’t be doing my job properly. I would hope my dentist feels the same.

 

[krlovesherkids777]

Judythecat,

Love this perspective too, great example with your job , absolutely same with mine and I often think of that as I work in the medical field as patient care rep and are not annoyed with questions or fears or anxieties because they are real..

I think that the fear of being annoying comes with the background of domestic and emotional abuse for years and walking on eggshells around people feeling you have to people please , even at a providers office..

I'm getting alot better but the thoughts still come up, its what I do with them that is different.

 

[Scared all the time]

Judythecat,

Love this perspective too, great example with your job , absolutely same with mine and I often think of that as I work in the medical field as patient care rep and are not annoyed with questions or fears or anxieties because they are real..

I think that the fear of being annoying comes with the background of domestic and emotional abuse for years and walking on eggshells around people feeling you have to people please , even at a providers office..

I'm getting alot better but the thoughts still come up, its what I do with them that is different.

For me I’ve always tried to be a people pleaser, I hated confrontation but this last episode is making me see that I need to please myself a little more before things are done to me and I have to learn to live with them. I then have to always wonder “what if” that’s a horrible thing second guessing because you let someone bully you in a way. I’m learning but 50 years is a hard habit to break

 

[kitkat]

I’ve never worried too much about being annoying but I have overanalyzed appointments to death. I used to play them over and over again in my head for sometimes weeks, months, or even years after it happened... what I said, what they said, how they said it, how I reacted to things, how they reacted to me, what they must have thought, how I felt, the body language and what it meant....it was maddening! I don’t do it so much anymore but that’s only been since I started wearing headphones to listen to music and distract me during treatments. For some reason, it just helps distract me so I don’t focus on any tiny details anymore and in turn, remember less about my appointments.

 

[MountainMama]

I have this fear right now. We moved to this new house, in a different state, and at my first dental appointment, they said I needed a new crown. From there, everything spiraled into this mess I am in. So all they know of me is that I am constantly calling and coming in with questions and worries.

I know that with my dentist leaving, and my new dentist overloaded, I am a nuisance right now. Especially since I will be calling tomorrow about this cracked tooth, since it has gotten super painful.

 

[Kns]

I worry about this, too. So much so that I have put off calling when I am in severe pain because I’m convinced that they are annoyed by me having ongoing appointments for these teeth that never stop hurting. I switched dentists about two years ago and I think they probably assume that I have always been like this. I have always been slightly anxious about the dentist, but I never said anything or asked many questions of my previous dentist. Just regular checkups, cleanings, and work when needed. I would just grin and bear it and I am positive that my previous dentist didn’t know I was nervous about procedures. No problems at all. Then shortly after changing dentists I started getting all sorts of problems - crowns, root canals that never settle, constant pain often with no obvious reasons or infection, etc... I just want the pain to go away so I can go back to living my normal life without thinking about my teeth, pain, or procedures. I have to remind myself that other people would be asking for help, too, if they were in this much pain. I have learned to advocate for myself through this but it’s hard not to worry that I’m asking too many questions! I have learned so much about dentistry this past year.

 

[CourageAndBraveryASAP]

Ugh, this resonates so much - not just in the dental world, but even as a relatively young woman working with lots of men. I'm just starting my dental journey and I've been having lots of consultations, which are hard - showing people your mouth when you barely know them, having to find some succinct and not painful way to explain the history that gave me anxiety in the first place, etc.

To try and avoid being "annoying" or labeled anxious, it helps me to say up front something like "I had a poor experience and one of the best ways to manage my anxiety is to be extremely prepared and knowledgeable and for there to be no surprises. I have a few specific questions. Do you/the doctor have ten minutes to talk anytime this week?"

Some things I'm learning:
- Figuring out my questions in advance of a call/consult and writing them down helps me to distinguish what I want to know vs context/feelings I might share, and I can then really focus my questions well.
- The front office is sometimes VERY DIFFERENT than the actual doctor. My endo's front office was so short with me and made me feel very judged. I asked for the doctor to call me back and he was incredible, and never made me feel like I was being annoying.
- Follow my gut, and stop doubting its validity. If I feel like I'm annoying people, it's probably not the right fit for me.

Anyway, I like to remind myself of the notion that I just have to get through it... and if it's without my dignity, then ok. At least it will be done. HA!

 

[krlovesherkids777]

I'm so glad you guys really get this, it feels relieving when there are those "me too " moments , and know you are not alone in something.. Sorry I haven't had time to respond because these posts really appreciate! really good thoughts !!

Yesterday I had to call and change an appt due to my work schedule, I still was a bit apprehensive like , they are going to be annoyed at me resheduling and what is least annoying, calling or emailing? Well I managed to email then call. I did it and got over with and on a rational level. well its an appt reschedule and I do it all day long for my job. . and if they are .. annoyed than , than I don't have to take it personally as I was just doing my business. but. is still hard.

 

[Animalhouse]

Wow. I feel this way ALL the time in so many settings...at the doctor, dentist, vet, mechanic, forums, anywhere really. Part of me feels like I am annoying and the other part of me feels like people don't take me seriously, especially when I describe pain or discomfort. I imagine a lot of medical professionals encounter people who purely want pain meds but I always try to emphasize that I do not want that. I just want the root of my problem to be resolved.

Another part of me wonders if my "youthful appearance" makes people not take me seriously. I know, a good problem to have I guess but at 31 years old, I still have to show my ID for an R rated movie. My voice matches my appearance and people think I am a kid on the phone. Annoying!

I wind up just giving up when it comes to having my medical problems resolved. I have so many physical symptoms and yet to everyone I talk to, I am "fine."

 

[Judythecat]

I worry about this, too. So much so that I have put off calling when I am in severe pain because I’m convinced that they are annoyed by me having ongoing appointments for these teeth that never stop hurting. I switched dentists about two years ago and I think they probably assume that I have always been like this. I have always been slightly anxious about the dentist, but I never said anything or asked many questions of my previous dentist. Just regular checkups, cleanings, and work when needed. I would just grin and bear it and I am positive that my previous dentist didn’t know I was nervous about procedures. No problems at all. Then shortly after changing dentists I started getting all sorts of problems - crowns, root canals that never settle, constant pain often with no obvious reasons or infection, etc... I just want the pain to go away so I can go back to living my normal life without thinking about my teeth, pain, or procedures. I have to remind myself that other people would be asking for help, too, if they were in this much pain. I have learned to advocate for myself through this but it’s hard not to worry that I’m asking too many questions! I have learned so much about dentistry this past year.

I am in a really similar boat. I went years and years with no treatment, just checkups and scale and polishes, then a huge flurry of problems - although all in the same surgery. Two years ago I only thought about my teeth when flossing and brushing. Now they are my specialist subject, and my friends joke I could be a dentist. (No disrespect to dentists.)

Something which was useful for me was one day at work I was saying to my colleague, I am just too embarrassed to ring, my dentist must groan when she sees my name, the receptionists must be so fed up of me, and so on, ad nauseum. He said that if I was one of his children, he would have phoned days ago, and that there was no way he would let them be in pain or worried. I know this sounds very “Oprah”, but I clicked then that I needed to “be my own parent”. He also said “you deserve a pain-free mouth”, which really resonated with me. He is a wise man.

 

[Dg6300]

Well done, kr!

 

[Thephilsblogbar]

I often feel this way, as I been to the dentist lots of times in the past for appointments and asked questions to my dentists.