Yeah, it still makes me mad when I think of the way my parents dealt (as in, didn't deal with) my fear. I know that I cannot blame them forever, and I know that they have no idea how much it impacted me or how much I struggle with it now.
As soon as I was out of my parents' house, I decided I was never going back to a dentist. I was tired of being poked and tortured and reprimanded; of course, that plan only worked for about 12 years before I had to go back. But at least now I'm at a different office, in a different state, and my husband tries really hard to understand my fear and help me through it whenever it flares up. Plus, if I ever have children, I am going to bend over backward to make sure that they have positive experiences with dentistry, and if they are afraid of something, I will know how they feel and comfort them.
I couldn’t agree more with this.
My own childhood experiences had a distinct pattern to dental appointments.
The reminder card would arrive in the post and mum would start to stress about the upcoming appointment saying she was afraid to go. My father, who has never seen a dentist during my lifetime and when asked used to tell me that (a) only women go to dentists and (b) he doesn’t like them and when you are an adult you can decide not to go, would get exasperated and shout at her saying that she was making too much fuss and should either put her mind to going in which case she shouldn’t complain, or, if it were too stressful, decide not to go at all. Black and white. Easy as that!
Of course, I realise that both my parents were, and probably still are, dental phobic and my dad was covering up and projecting his own feelings onto my mum. I should also note that neither have ever been difficult or abusive and generally had a very loving relationship but dentistry brought out the worst in our family.
So mum and I would trudge to the nasty dental office and would always go into the room together. My mother would go first and as soon as she sat in the chair would start to shake and often cry. Here’s the thing; I remember the dentist being really quite to her and talking her through everything to try to relax her. Unfortunately I was witness to some horrific looking fillings, injections and other procedures with massive scary instruments being used whilst me mother writhed and cried. Then it would be my turn and I would try everything to avoid getting near that chair and going through the same. You would think my mother would comfort me but no, by this time she would have gone into the same defensive projecting mode as my father and would get angry at my misbehaving. Rather that offering me the same comfort (which was obviously stored for adults only) the dentist would take cues from my mother and tell me I was naughty and every time would end up with me being wrestled and pinned onto the chair to threats of “
wait ‘til I get you home/tell your father” from my mother and being mocked and told I was being silly by the dentist. There was never any empathy or comfort. When I was 14 I decided to take a stand and demanded to see the dentist on my own on a different day from my mother. I was terrified, of course, but determined to let it be a turning point in taking control of my fear. All went well until my father, of all people, turned up at the school gates to announce to all my classmates that they knew what I was planning and couldn’t be trusted to attend the appointment alone, so frogmarched me to the office in tears. That was my last appointment for 13 years and when I refused to go back my dad just told my mum that given his example, I couldn’t be forced.
I have tried to talk to both parents about their fear over the years but they see it as a personal attack and deny that they would ever be so
weak-minded. The strange thing is that although I am now pretty much dentally healthy and have been seeing a fantastic dentist for 6 years, I still feel I have to keep this a secret from them as it is better for them to think I am avoiding dentistry then nervously attending appointments. Yep, people are strange. My fears are grounded in reality though – just earlier this year we had a family meal where my brother mentioned he had given blood that morning which gave both parents an opportunity to single me out and recount all the times I had been
pathetic, screamed the place down during injections and even continued this kind of behaviour into adulthood. Certainly no chance of ever getting sympathy or comfort from them.
I do have a real bee in my bonnet about the way some parents do not empathise with children over dental anxiety and like Shamrockerin would bend over backwards to comfort any child in my care who displays the kind of anxieties that I did – and still do – as a child. More annoying still, are the people who instil a sense of fear
before the poor kid has even entered the office. Even the best destists hardly stand a chance in these situations. I remember when my nephew had his very first appointment, he was quite nonplussed until his parents, grandparents and other family members started mocking him in that patronising sing-song way “
Oh poor little boy” “
never mind, it will be over quick” or the horribly ominous “
you’ll know all about it now…”. Then there were the well-meaning “
don’t worry, it won’t hurt” or the misguided threats of “
just remember to sit still, behave and do what the dentist tell you so that you don’t make him angry”. I tried to redress the balance by talking to him about making a new
friend in the dentist and how much fun(!) it can be to ride on a big moving chair and how the dentist would count his teeth and clean them which would feel really nice afterwards but my FiL roared in saying that the dentist is no-one’s friend and I wasn’t doing the boy any favours by shielding him from the truth. By the time the appointment came around the poor little guy was in floods of tears because he didn’t want to go.
I also still see far too many parents and carers who seem so involved in ensuring their child is happy and free from pain or trauma in every other walk of life, refuse to comfort them after a dental procedure or discuss their fears with them in advance because there is still a prevalent feeling of dentistry is
painful but a necessary evil and we all just need to get used to it. The idea of changing to a more sympathetic dentist probably never occurs. I think many people also believe that every child finds these things scary but most grow out of it in adulthood, whereas the truth is that if more dentists treated children with more respect and parents offered more support also, the fear would not have the chance to take hold.
.
Her way of approaching the appointment overrode and contradicted all possibility of understanding anyway. On the brightside, that appointment kind of made the dentist seem like the "good" person and my mom more of the "evil do-er"! 
So I saw the dentist in more objective, neutral/positive light because she really had nothing to do with the conspiracy and I was open to receiving comfort/support from her (mostly because I had no other choice) which she thankfully provided! 
I know exactly what you mean by this! I often experience a whole spectrum of emotions during a single appointment even if it's only 30-45 minutes in length. My anxiety has a few different patterns, sometimes it starts off small and gradually builds til my nerves are completely shot by the end of the appointment, sometimes it peaks at the beginning and calms down slowly, sometimes it goes up and down like a rollercoaster...rarely is it actually subdued the whole time and it never starts off with no anxiety. I hate the waiting room and the initial moment of sitting down and reclining the chair. Once that's over, there is a chance it will simmer down or escalate...it all depends on a variety of factors that I have yet to fully identify. 
