Disappointed (in myself)

[shamrockerin]

So yesterday morning I got my last fillings.

You’d think I’d be ecstatic to be done with drills but I’m having a hard time working up any excitement. I spent the better part of a year hearing about all the decay in my teeth, and spending lots of money and enduring lots of needles to get it fixed that even though they are ‘fixed’ now I still pretty much hate my teeth.

I still have to figure out what to do about the un-savable tooth. The tooth with the crown that fell off is what started this whole odyssey. Ten months of treatment and the original issue is still not resolved. There’s no immediacy for this decision, but I know it’s only a matter of time until the crown snaps off again (it was cemented on again, but since the tooth underneath is so decayed it’s only a temp. fix) and then I won’t be able to put it off any longer.

I am relieved that my fillings are over, but I guess I thought I’d be alot happier. Like “YIPPEE! No more needles!” Instead I just feel like “Well my rotten teeth are filled up with composite now because I wasn’t able to take care of them myself”. None of the cavities were really visible to anyone (except the dentist); I was only able to see one of them myself if I looked in a mirror, but I still feel ashamed that I’d let them get so bad. I just feel like they’re never going to be ‘nice teeth’ again.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel as bad if I only had a couple fillings. I still have one from my teen years and that one never bothered me. It was just one tooth. But I spent 10 months getting 16 fillings (because I hadn’t seen a dentist in about 12 years) and now these fillings just remind me of how neglectful I was.

I have an appointment in 4 weeks for a cleaning. I am not looking forward to it. Last time I was there the hygienist told me that I had “beautiful teeth” and all I could think was “Are you kidding me?! There’s no way they could possibly be beautiful with all that decay in there.” So now all the decay is gone (except for the one tooth that has the crown on top still) but I know how awful they are.

I thought most people felt ashamed of their teeth before getting treatment, but I never was, probably because I had no idea I had any cavities, let alone 16. Now the treatment is over and I don’t feel any better about my teeth.

 

[Steve In Cleveland]

Venturing out of Dentalphobialand a little bit, but here's my two cents.

First of all, I'm extremely proud of you for facing your fears and taking care of your teeth this year. Our dental journeys kind of coincided in time, so I'm actually very proud of both of us for what we've done. Maybe for now I'll carry the pride for us both, and maybe sometime when you're ready to accept it, I'll hand over your share.

There's no right or wrong way to feel about finishing your dental work for now. I think it's more positive to focus on what you've accomplished now than to keep beating yourself up about what happened in the past, the decisions of a younger you. But at the same time, don't beat yourself up for not feeling wonderful. Maybe you're not the kind of person who has big happy celebrations. Maybe for you it's enough to just think, "Well, that was dumb, but at least it's fixed now."

I think that you might want to consider seeing a therapist or counselor at some point. I started therapy myself a couple of years back, and stopped a few months ago when I didn't feel I was getting anything out of it for now. A couple of things I learned about therapy:

* You don't have to have some major trauma to see a therapist. You can go just because you're feeling in a bit of a funk, or because you want to improve some aspect of your life (making friends, dealing with your boss, paying bills on time, etc).

* Therapy is really about whatever you want it to be. You might start with some goal in mind ("I want to learn how to be nicer to myself") but there's really no rules. Some sessions we'd just talk about some tiny little even that had happened that morning-- a driver who cut me off, or something-- and that would lead to thinking about other things, like why did that make me so angry, or why did I notice that detail... Sometimes these sessions were the most helpful, because I learned to start noticing little things about my thoughts that I hadn't ever thought to examine.

* A therapist can act as a kind of advocate for you, someone who lets you know that you're a good person. You can go to your therapist after wrecking your car, screaming at your kids, and picking a fight with your husband, and the therapist will remind you that everyone does these things sometimes, and help you figure out how to not feel so bad about them.

* A therapist can act as more of a facilitator to help you work on things you can't figure out. So, for instance, you feel like you should be happier about having fixed your teeth, but instead you still feel guilty for allowing them to decay in the first place. A therapist can help you figure out which of these emotions are valid, and how much weight to give them, and how to work through the negative thoughts and foster the good ones.

As with dentists, I went into therapy with all kinds of notions about lying on couches and talking about my mother, and about the psychologist peering deep into my psyche and speaking with a German accent. But really, it's a lot more like having a conversation with someone who's extremely interested in you, and who occasionally offers brilliant insights or asks questions that make you think about things a little differently. It can be difficult work, and it can be uncomfortable, but you're always in control of how much you want to examine and which topics you do or don't want to talk about.

I mention this all because I think that, like me, you have a pretty active inner dialogue, and are constantly assessing and judging and panicking yourself, and sometimes it can be hard to tell yourself from that stupid little monologue going on in your head. Even though, intellectually, I knew that I got a lot of this from my mother, who was very judging and insecure, it wasn't until I started therapy that I was able to start controlling that voice, and start cutting myself a little slack. I'm still a pretty high-strung person, but I've managed to let go of a few things that have really made me a calmer person inside.

Anyway, it's something to think about. I think people like us tend to think, "I just need to do the right research, read the right books" but really there's something very helpful about sitting down and talking with a human being who's trained to correct unhelpful thought patterns, that you'll never get in a book.

Lastly, I'd like to remind you that in the past year, you've (if I remember these all correctly) faced a major phobia, fixed up your teeth, gotten married, and started a new job. That's a ton of change and accomplishment, and even if most of it is positive, it's a lot for a body and mind to cope with. So, give yourself a little slack, and feel how you feel. If that's just a little exhausted and battle-weary, I think that's a pretty normal response. You can always party later!

Great job on a great dental year, and enjoy your new freedom from the chair for a while!

 

[shamrockerin]

Hi Steve.

You wrote alot (which is not a bad thing) but I'm going to try and respond to all your major points since you were nice enough to write such a thoughtful response.

You have quite a good memory; 2012 indeed held alot of change for me. Facing the dental phobia, new job, getting married. . .in addition to finishing grad school (again), moving to a new apartment, and turning 30. It still feels overwhelming when I think about all those changes happening so close together. Like you said, many of these changes were good, but such a whirlwind is bound to dredge up some muck and toss things around a bit.

I have considered counseling to deal with a couple of different issues. I even went as far as to email and call some local counselors last fall; I never got any responses from them and kind of gave up. It took alot for me to even attempt contacting a counselor, and the lack of response really disheartened me so I haven't quite gotten around to trying again. I did try going to one in college, but it wasn't really a positive experience and it didn't inspire much confidence in the concept.

Getting back to dentalphobia, I guess I am disappointed in my own lack of excitement for having finished 10 months of treatment. I thought when the day finally came, I'd be happy and smiling and posting my story in the Success Stories section of the forum. . .but it doesn't really feel like a success to me. My teeth look almost exactly the same, I still can't stand the idea of going back, even just for a cleaning, and instead of feeling better about myself, I feel worse somehow. I did all that work, and forced myself to keep going back, and it seems like it was for nothing because I can't even feel good about it after it's over.

I I just expected to feel very happy about this, and I am confused as to why I don't.

 

[Steve In Cleveland]

To put it more bluntly, I'd expect that you'd feel much happier about your accomplishment, too. If the fact that you aren't more excited didn't bother you, then no problem. Since you are confused and disappointed by it, though, it makes me think that it might be worth some time exploring that confusion with someone wise and compassionate. (Whether that's a psychologist, a clergy member, a trusted friend, etc).

Not because there's something wrong with you that needs fixing-- but rather, because I think you do deserve to feel happier and more at peace, and something in your worried mind keeps getting in the way.

Hang in there, sweetie. Life's a journey...

 

[Belle511]

I did all that work, and forced myself to keep going back, and it seems like it was for nothing because I can't even feel good about it after it's over.

I I just expected to feel very happy about this, and I am confused as to why I don't.

I wish I had some great advice to offer you, but I don't. I do want to say that I think you should not feel as if it were for nothing. Your mouth may look the same, but there is no doubt that it is healthier than it was. And that is definitely not a bad thing.

I hope you find some peace and contentment about your journey soon. Best wishes.