Extremely embarassed and ashamed of myself

[Tinella9610]

I know that for many it might seem stupid to dump all of my worries in a forum filled with strangers instead of talking to people who are actually close to me but i honestly don't know what else to do, my anxiety, depression and shame are eating me from the inside and i don't know what else to do.

I am a 22 years old girl, currently unemployed and living with my dad and desperately trying to go through many training courses and holding out CVs to companies like candy in hopes to find a job as soon as possible. As you might have guessed i am deadly afraid of the dentist, but that's not my only fear.. there are many that just keep piling up with each other and they ovewhelm me so much every single day that i can't take it anymore. I haven't been to the dentist for a decade now and it's been taking a toll on my teeth as well as my mental health, both my bottom first molars are completely messed up and i get anxiety every time i am forced to look at them in the mirror when i brush, not to mention my wisdom teeth are nearly fully erupted and they're still sitting there. One of them honestly looks like something out of an horror movie.. a crater with a huge piece of what seems to be redd-ish flesh ( i googled it and i read it's called pulp polyp but i can't be sure since i am not a dentist. ) While the other one is just a black crater that seems to slowly be developing the same thing as the other. I am gonna be honest, for all these years of having my teeth like this they have never caused me any significant pain.. sure, they do bother me a bit when i eat but any annoying pain that i've ever had was never bad enough to keep me from sleeping or woke me up in excruciating pain, if anything the anxiety from having my teeth in this state is what keeps me awake currently. However i do understand that just because there is no pain it doesn't mean there's no issues.

Having my teeth like this feels horrible every day, i can never enjoy a full day without worrying about my teeth, i have had many major depressive episodes in the past months and i feel like i can no longer just cope with this. Another big issue that keeps me from speaking up about it is my poor parents, they are divorced but despite this they care about me a lot and i know they would do anything to keep me happy and healthy but instead of being glad this just makes me feel so bad.. i feel horrible for keeping this from them, they always tell me to speak to them whenever i need anything but my fear constantly holds me back. My mother works every single day and comes home stressed and tired and while my dad doesn't work as long as she does he's got his own issues to worry about already. To top it all off, their divorce was not at all a pleasing one and to this day they still fight whenever they see each other and it makes me so scared to tell them anything because i'm afraid it will just become another yelling contest topic between them.

I am tearing up as i write this, i don't know what to do or where to start in getting better, i don't want to live with this burden who knows for how many years more and i don't want to watch my mouth worsen. I try to talk myself into telling my dad first since he's had teeth problems in the past too ( he wears upper dentures ) and prehaps he would understand, but then i think he wouldn't want me to go through the same thing he did. My mom would be the most difficult person to confess this to because being so stressed from work tends to make her feel really frustrated and dramatic at times. I am so scared they will both yell at me for not telling them sooner, for not trusting them, and for not caring enough for myself.

Sometimes i just want to tear these teeth out myself or wish they'd magically go back to normal on their own but that's unfortunately not possible and the only way i could ever get out of this is telling them. So sorry for the long post but i could really use the support..

 

[Dg6300]

Hi! Welcome.

I’m sorry you are suffering. I am glad you posted here, and one thing is certain: you are no longer alone.

You are facing a difficult dental situation, to be certain. The good news is that there is a big world out there, with resources we may not yet know about, and this is a great place to start.

This off-topic, but may I ask if your avatar is of anime? I don’t know much about animation, but I enjoyed a movie called “Howls Moving Castle”.

 

[Tinella9610]

@Dg6300 Thank you so much for your reply, it makes me feel a little bit better to know i am not alone. And my avatar is from a videogame called Splatoon 3

 

[NervousUSA]

@Tinella9610 Hey I am sorry to hear all this, it sounds very rough. I think it is actually good to talk about this kind of thing on this forum, people here understand. No one in my family understands what I go through with dental things and they are all tired of hearing from me about it. People on this forum have dental issues too, and are here to give and receive support, so I would say this is the right place for you to come with this stuff. Of course you do not have to answer, but if you want to answer, do you feel like you might want to see a dentist about the dental issues you are having? Or do you feel more like you want to talk to your parents about it? Or something else? BTW I didn't see a dentist for 19 years, and when I had to finally get into serious dental treatment because of all the problems that I had built up, I had serious mental health issues to the point where I had to seek counseling, something I had never done before. It might not be something you would be interested in, but if you would be interested in something like that, it might help you too, I found it kind of helped, though this forum was almost better in some ways. The forum was better for support and understanding for sure, the counseling for kind of analysing what some of my issues were, both were equal for strategies of how to deal with the issues.

 

[Enarete]

Hi Tinella9610,

I just replied to your other, shorter post, but wanted to comment here as well. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. There seem to be so many difficult things to deal with at once - trying to get a job and becoming independent, dealing with mental health problems, the divorce of your parents and their overwhelm which makes it difficult for you to voice your needs and then of course the dental stuff. I was wondering whether there is any other person you trust, maybe another family member? Also, do you need your parents to be able to tackle the tooth or is it necessary for them to know?
The problems you described with your teeth are not unusual if you haven't seen a dentist for a while. If a tooth breaks, the gum can grow over it in a way, I've seen people where a part of the tooth or all that is left was entirely covered. Also, any other struggles in life make you more prone to worry about your teeth if you've got dental fear anyway. I can't even imagine what this is doing to your self-confidence and certainly doesn't make it easier to apply for jobs.
By the way, as NervousUSA mentioned, it may be much easier to talk about this to strangers on this forum, after all this is what we are here for and we understand. If you feel like writing it all out is helping, feel free to start a journal in our journal-part of the forum.

All the best wishes

 

[Tinella9610]

@Enarete This is something i have been struggling with by myself for a long time, i haven't told anybody except the people on this forum and i don't think i'd ever be able to voice my needs without the fear of being a disappointment and freaking my friends or other family members out. I am not financially indipendent yet and still rely on my parents for most things so i highly doubt i'd be able to see a dentist without them knowing considering how expensive they are where i live. It's a lose lose situation for me.. i either let my teeth problems become worse or let down my parents and put yet another burden on their shoulders while they are already struggling so much. I don't wanna live like this. I do trust my parents, i love them with all of myself and to let them down like this? I can't do it to them.. not to mention if the rest of my family learns this as well i will become the most idiotic and shameful member. What options do i even have at this point.

 

[Beckjayne]

@Tinella9610 Hi hon, i wanted to comment. Because you sound so like me at that age. Growing up, i didnt take good care of my teeth. My folks both had dentures, and didnt really think about our teeth health. By the time i was 11, i had several cavities. My Dad demanded that i go to his dentist. Who was a monster He would yell at me, pull my mouth around, start drilling before my mouth was numb. In my early 20s, i tried going to another dentist, but he was pretty mean too. I then gave up. By the time i got married at 26, i was very close to losing all my teeth, i had constant toothaches. My late husband had very good teeth, and wanted me to as well

I found a wonderful dentist. Very understanding and caring and gentle. He and i discussed my dental phobia, my inability to pay large amounts of money all at once. We figured out a schedule and a payment plan. I went to him about twice a month for over a year. And my teeth were in much better shape

But i started having kids in my 30s, and I slacked off. A lot :\ Now im 60, and trying again. To get things taken care of. Ive had 4 extractions in the past 2 years, i need several crowns redone, and some other work that needs doing

Id like to see you find a very understanding and kind dentist and hygienist to work with. You'd all be on the same team. They wont shame you or try to embarrass you. But just tell you what needs to be done, how it can be done, and the finances of it. There are so many people, who struggle with the high cost of dentistry. I think just sitting and talking to a dental team would give you so much hope that your teeth are worthy of saving, and that you deserve to have healthy teeth and beautiful smile. Because you do