help me help my husband

[mego5dzgrc]

Hello! Im new to this site and I am seeking advice. I am hoping that this site can give me some insight to my problem. I am about to get married in 3 weeks to a wonderful loving man with a horrible fear of the dentist. We have been together 5 years and all the while I have tried to encourage him to do to the dentist. His problems are very extensive, most of his teeth are brown and black with decay, some have broken off and now there are black stumps. I have tried to be supportive of his fears while encouraging him to go, but it seems like every time I bring it up he becomes defensive and angry at me. He throws my weight problem back in my face and tells me I am a hypocrite. I am very worried about his health and I am afraid that he will get a horrible infection and land himself in the hospital. The quality of his teeth has declined tremendously in the last month and I want to just make him go, but I know its not possible. I get so angry at him because I have always taken care of my teeth and it was always a very important thing to me. I find myself being embarassed of him when he forgets to cover his mouth when he smiles....and it makes me feel horrible and guilty for being embarassed. How can I encourage him to go without a fight? How will I ever pay for it all? Please help me!

 

[letsconnect]

Hi and ,

please don't beat yourself up over feeling embarrassed of your husband. It's a perfectly natural reaction and it says a lot about your relationship that you are getting married *despite* your reservations. And please do let us know if you're ever planning to show him this forum so that we can edit these two posts beforehand .

There was a thread here a while ago about how to help a friend with a dental phobia, and much of what was written there will apply to your own situation as well.

I hope that others will chime in with their suggestions and experiences !

 

[melp]

Hi i can see how you and your husband feel as i have not been to the dentist in about 15 years myself and i have let my teeth get in a terrible state,but the fear got in the way of my embrassment for a long time,that was until i found this wonderful site.

I do understand your embrassment i would feel the same,but i was very defensive about the condition of my teeth,i would avoid anything being mentioned in my house about the dentist.

I cannot be much help really apart from if you can get your husband to read some of the posts on here about other peoples lives it does really help.

I have discovered that i am not as phobic as i thought i have once i have found the right dentist the rest was quite okay as long as i feel in control of the situation

good luck and best wishes

 

[Mary]

Hi and a big
Being afraid of the dentist is so hard on everyone...I don't have alot of suggestions but....If he is afraid of going to the dentist....Maybe you could schedule yourself for a cleaning and ask that he comes along(for whatever reason)and maybe he will see that...it is possiable to walk into a dentist office and not leave in pain.
You could also tell him that the first appointment is just a friendly chat with the dentist...he doesen't even have to sit in "THE CHAIR" until he is ready...and then if and only if he is comfortable some x-rays.
Has he shown any desire to have his teeth looked after?
It's hard to tell someone to go to the dentist...for me I would get embarassed and defensive because I allready knew that my teeth we're bad and then I would be mad at myself for being so afraid that I took it out on the person who recognized the problem!
The thing that drove me to finally go was my health...and I coulden't have done it without this forum.
We are here to support you and your soon to be husband
and if I get any more suggestions I will surley let you know...good luck and you are in my thoughts.

heres an idea....you could leave this website on your computer and leave the room....and maybe he would sit down while no one was looking and have a looksy...reading this forum and all the sucess stories is a huge help.

 

[mego5dzgrc]

Just a little more information to help you get an idea of what I am dealing with. He has made two trips to the dentist since I moved in with him 4 years ago. When I first moved to Philly, I kept on him about going. I called around to find a dentist, I explained the situation with the person on the phone and I made the appointment for him. He did end up going in for his first cleaning in years and an assesment of what needed to be done to stablize his mouth. He came out feeling ok, but hated the dentist. He said the dentist didn't even acknowledge his fears at all and treated him poorly. His assesment came out totaling 15,000. We were both very deflated. At that time, neither of us had insurance and the cost was not in our range. We simply could not afford it. About a year later I heard about a dentist in our area that was going to do free dental work for uninsured for one day. I suggested that he go and get a tooth pulled that had been causing him pain. He went and got it pulled. He ended up really liking this dentist and wanted to go back to him. Fast forward another year and he finally got a good job with insurance, but the dentist he really like does not cover his plan. So, I emailed them to see if they would do a payment plan...they dont. He wonlt look up other places to go...I have forwarded this website to him and he either never looked or just chooses to do nothing. I dont know what else to do.

 

[brit]

Not totally hopeless then...I would say you need to find a similarly nice dentist who is covered by his new insurance....maybe one with sedation options if the work required is extensive. It could just be that he is using the insurance issue as an excuse to avoid getting further treatment.
Since he has coped with treatment twice recently what are his actual fears..is it embarrassment at state of his teeth, fear of pain or what and what does he think caused it?

The other option is not to speak to the front desk staff about 'paying as you go' with the dentist he liked but to approach him directly. Is it not possible to pay a bit more for an insurance plan to allow you free choice of practitioner? How good is the insurance he's got anyway...willit cover everything or just a thousand dollars which is more maintenance mode?
Is your dentist not an option for him with you holding his hand?

By the way your weight and his dental health are not the same thing although maybe you could make some kind of pact?

 

[mego5dzgrc]

I tried asking him tonight if he had a chance to look at this web site (I emailed it to him last night). He answered yes and immediately changed the subject to our wedding. I waited a little bit before bringing it up again, telling him that he should really look though the forums and that I think it will be helpful. He said that we went though the website last night and walked out of the room. I hold in what I want to say to him so much...I hesitate because I don't want to upset him...but I also feel like saying nothing just enables him to do nothing. I really worry, and I have no idea how to approach this. I think the biggest parts are his embarrassment and the cost. The dental insurance is not great. It only is carried by 3 dentists in Philadelphia. We aren't that far from New Jersey, but I'm not too familiar with the area over there, and most of the dentist that carry this insurance are in North Jersey. I think because his company is out of New York. I don't have any insurance yet, and won't until after we get married, so I'm not sure of the details. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells here, but no one else will say anything to him and he just gets so upset and angry. I understand the fear, but I don't understand living your life full of pain and embarrassment when it can be fixed. I tried the compromise that if I loose 10 pounds, then he should make one visit to the dentist...but he won't do it. He says that he doesn't take anything I say to him about his teeth seriously because I am just as embarrassed about my weight and I do nothing so why should he listen to me.

 

[letsconnect]

The other option is not to speak to the front desk staff about 'paying as you go' with the dentist he liked but to approach him directly.

Agree with Brit... also, does he maybe participate in CareCredit?

Is it not possible to pay a bit more for an insurance plan to allow you free choice of practitioner?

I was wondering the same thing... sometimes you can upgrade the plan (depending on what type of plan it is). It sounds though as if it would be difficult for you to find out?

Of course, at the end of the day it's his decision whether he wants to take any action or not, but seeing how he has already found a dentist he likes, the first thing to do might be to explore all the options which would enable him to go to the dentist he likes?

 

[mego5dzgrc]

I looked into the insurance tonight and there is no other option but the one he has. Its not that great...high deductible and it doesn't cover much except the basics. The dentist he likes does do the care credit option, but if he needs 15,000 worth of work, the care credit doesn't seem like the best option. You have a certain amount of time to pay it off and the interest is just like a credit card. We just can't afford it. Or am I understanding it wrong?

Though, I did end up talking about it with him tonight. I asked him what I could do to help him along the process. I basically said that we could either try ato find someone he likes that is lised under the insurance, or screw the insurance and find someone he really likes and trusts and just pay over time. The money is a huge issue with him and he doesn't feel like we can afford it now. I told him if we can save over a year for our wedding, we can surly save money to fix his teeth. He AGAIN brought up my weight, and I tred to explain the difference. He got angry, but I told him that he wasn't angry at me...and I told him that I'm not going to give up on him and I won't be silent about urging him to go. I told him that I would help him however he needed me to. I don't know if it helped. I said that in 3 months if nothing has changed, we will talk again. He did agree to join the forums...we'll see if he actually does. I know everyone here would help...there is so much helpful info on here and so much support.

 

[brit]

I looked into the insurance tonight and there is no other option but the one he has. Its not that great...high deductible and it doesn't cover much except the basics. The dentist he likes does do the care credit option, but if he needs 15,000 worth of work, the care credit doesn't seem like the best option. You have a certain amount of time to pay it off and the interest is just like a credit card. We just can't afford it. Or am I understanding it wrong?

It doesn't sound like the insurance would be much use until he is dentally fit and healthy so maybe go for CareCredit but stage the work at a pace you can realistically afford....the original quote was probably all singing and dancing and included lots of restoration/cosmetics maybe. There must be parts of it which can be done now and other stuff which can be left for longer.

Is he aware of the health risks of bad teeth/gums....how unpleasant maybe it could be for you to kiss him .....how finances aren't a very good excuse because the longer it is left the more it will potentially cost?...if he is an adult in employment he is in a position to sort his teeth out...he just has to decide that this is important to him in the scheme of things.
Your ultimate bargaining card is postponing the wedding until this is sorted out.....if it is a grand wedding not a simple one you have planned, I'd even suggest that restoring dental health is a better use of your limited funds.

It could be that he is afraid about you losing weight precisely because he will then have no excuse not to sort out his dental health problems....
Male posters on here are in the minority....you may find it useful to choose a couple of threads for him to start with....and if you want us to hide this thread so he can't see it.....just let us know as Letsconnect said.

 

[scaredstiff]

Hello mego5dzgrc and a big welcome to this site. I must say this is a really difficult position to be in when a poster writes in not about him or herself but about a partner. So often when one has a phobia it is those nearest and closes to whom the person concerned cannot confide in. However, you have brought the problem out in the open and there is now no getting away from it. Forgetting about dental costs for the moment, I personally feel you have done as much as you can for the moment and the fact that he has actually looked at this site and probably without your knowing is doing a lot, a hell of a lot more thinking about his dental health, and is quite likely moving in the right direction, and preparing himself mentally. So, I think if I were you, I'd back off for the moment because if you really keep on and on and on, he will get more and more defensive and it could harm the good work you've done so far. I am sure that he will surprise you and be the first to bring the subject of dentists up and maybe say to you that he wants to make an appointment and ask if you could help him. This is such a difficult situation and I think we have had something a little similar on this forum before. I just hope, and I am sure, that one day soon your fiancé will wake up and know that today is the day he has to do something about his teeth. We all get to that point whether its from embarrassment as a tooth falls out, or from the pain but in your partner's case, he has such a good motivation with the wedding coming up. Of course it doesn't leave that much time left to get actual treatment but even if he can get to the point of making that first appointment, well what a wonderful wedding present that would be for the pair of you.
So best of luck to the pair of you, and do keep us posted.

 

[vict4ia]

Hi and

I have to say, I agree with ScaredStiff - she usually offers great advice. I think that your best bet is to back off for now. You can't force somebody to do something they're afraid of doing without risking really alienating them. Facing the prospect of marriage and planning a wedding is a lot to take in, in and of itself. It may be that your fiancé has enough on his plate to deal with at the moment.

To help your fiancé, try to relate to his fear. What is the thing that frightens you the most? Maybe you're afraid of snakes. Now, think about how you would feel if someone told you that you have to go into a room full of mostly benign snakes but that somewhere in there, there are a few poisonous snakes. Oh, and by the way, you'll have to pay $15,000 for the privilege. Sound appealing? To a non-phobic, that scenario would sound like an over-exaggeration. I can tell you, though, that the dental phobics on this website would probably tell you that they'd just as soon or maybe even rather take their chances with the snakes than to visit a dentist.

Dental phobia is not really a matter of willpower. Certainly, it takes willpower to get in through the door but there is often a host of emotional issues that need to be dealt with (consciously or sub-consciously) before a person can even contemplate going through with dental care. As ScaredStiff said, for most of us, there is some precipitating event that gets us to finally visit a dentist. It really does have to be something that your fiancé eventually decides to do for himself.

Brit has offered some great advice, too. However, I wouldn't look at your wedding as a bargaining chip, as such. Utimatums can really backfire...especially if he thinks that your love of him is contingent on his getting his teeth fixed. Dental phobia isn't usually the sort of thing that a person says, "Oh, well in that case, I'll do it." At the same time, I agree with Brit's suggestion that you could ask him if he would feel better if you postponed the wedding and use the finances to take care of his dental health. But, even this is a slippery slope and is a subject you should raise carefully - making sure to stress that your love and your desire to get married have nothing to do with his teeth.

I applaud your efforts to help your fiancé and your willingness to look for compromises, such as your losing ten pounds. However, unless you are terrified of losing weight for some reason and you think it will cost you $15,000 to lose the weight, it's not really likely to be an exchange that will prove to be particularly motivating for your fiancé.

Weight loss and overcoming dental phobia do have something in common - both are much less about willpower than they are about dealing with emotional issues that keep us in an unhealthy holding pattern. In both cases, the individual has to come to the conclusion that they are no longer willing to stay "stuck". Most people, however, don't reach that type of conclusion on anybody else's time table. You may be ready to lose weight right now but it sounds like your fiancé is not ready to face his fear yet.

The best way you can help your fiancé isn't through bargaining, threats, or badgering. Rather, let your fiancé know that you love him no matter what his teeth look like. You can tell him that you're concerned for his health and well-being and that it saddens you to see him embarrassed by his teeth and the toll that embarrassment takes on his self-confidence. Set a good example with your own oral hygiene. Tell your fiancé that you'll be with him every step of the way when he is ready to face this challenge. Bring up the subject only occasionally. Other than that, be compassionate and patient and remember all of the wonderful qualities that made you fall in love with this man to begin with.

Your fiancé is a very lucky man to have such wonderful support available to him. Given your support and the fact that he has had successful experiences in the past, I think that in time your fiancé will eventually be ready to face this hurdle.

 

[freakout]

Hi & A couple of things have come to mind while reading your post. In the US, dental insurance not easily obtained and most plans really don't cover alot. Another option might be to see if the dentist he likes, participates with any discount dental plans. It is not insurance but a discounted plan. There are mutiple plans out there, so he may participate with one. Basically you pay a small (in comparision to dental insurance or dental work tiny) fee and you can have savings up to 70% off of the cost of treatment, depending on the plan.

If he does not participate with one, perhaps you could discuss a treatment schedule that will fit your finances. Many times dentists will outline the entire cost that needs to be done, which can be very daunting to say the least. A good dentist with take things at your pace, be it emotional or financial reasons. Perhaps he could simply have the things that need immediate attention done and save up for the rest.

I know you care very much and want to help him, but be careful not to push too much. Sometimes that causes us to back away from the dentist even more. I know from personal experience My father would push and push the subject on me, making me feel horrible. I was determined not to go, because no one was going to push me into a situation I did not like. Luckily I found this board and finally worked up the courage to discuss things with Letsconnect (my savior) It did not happen overnight, but I finally came to the realization that I needed to get back to the dentist. Finances were an issue for me as well, but we took things at my pace.

I hope this helps

 

[mego5dzgrc]

Thank you all for your help. We did end up having a good talk about it last night, more productive than it ever was really. Unfortunately, its really too late to use the money that we saved up for the wedding to pay for his teeth...we would have a lot of angry people on our hands if we did that. Plus we are looking forward to it too much! But I know that we CAN save a good amount if we work hard and save like we did for this wedding, which is what I said to him last night. I told him that I would do anything he needed me to, even hold his hand in the chair. I told him I would run down the street naked and yell "DAVE IS AWESOME" if he wanted me to. He laughed...it lightened the mood. I don't plan on saying anything else for a while. We are moving a month after our wedding and we will be busy with all of that. I figured that we would get settled in our new apartment and get familiar with the area and then maybe bring it up again then and try to get him in to another dentist that he feels comfortable with and get a new assessment of cost...seeing as the 15,000 was to try to save his teeth and it was also from 3 years ago...I'm sure its changed since then. I told him last night if we can just get an outline of what needs to be done, then we can start to plan the process and start to save the money. He said that he really wants to go, but he just has to get his head in the right place. I can understand that fully. I really think that the moment when he decides to go is when one of his front teeth will break off...which will be soon. He can sort of hide it now because he still has his front teeth which are still white on the bottom, and you can't really see the decay on top. To be honest, most people don't notice his problem unless he smiles, which he almost always hides with his hand. I think that has been a big factor as to why he has not gone, because most people don't notice it. But one one of those front teeth go, he won't be able to hind it anymore. I don't know. I love him even if he had no teeth at all...I just want him to be healthy.

 

[aintreallyme]

Hi there,

I am pretty worried about how much money I'll have to pay when I finally work up the nerve to go to the dentist, but it's not what's stopping me (other issues prevail!) because I know the financial investment would pay off in only a few years. I know I've not applied for better-paying jobs because they might involve having to speak (and smile!) in front of groups or socialize with clients. I'm sure I could be making at least $10k more per year if I moved into a better job. Even if it's $50k worth of treatment, in 5 years, I would be even. Maybe you can help your husband figure out how his teeth may be impacting his job or career goals - he might be limiting his options due to embarrassment or turning off customers by seeming unfriendly. I bet the investment would pay off financially in only a few years.

You might also want to look at some tax deductions for major medical work too - that could help take away some of the financial burden.

Now if only I could solve my other fears with a financial equation...

good luck!

 

[mego5dzgrc]

Well, its March now. We have been married since July and a lot has happened since I started this thread. We moved to a different state (although onlt 25 minutes away from our other place) and because of the wonderful economy situation, he lost his job. Along with his job, he lost all health and dental insurance. We are now in a place where nothing can be done until he gets a new job...and he has been unemployed since October. I wanted to use part of our tax return to send him to get some work don, but again he refused. He is very interested in sadation dentistry, but I have no idea how much that costs. Basically, I need help to try to figure this out. I think this is starting to effect his health.